I have been looking into groups for both myself and my H to attend when he gets back. I am still seeing an IC, but she doesn't have much background in SA.

I am a little worried about my H not getting help. I don't know if he would attend or not. If not, is it time to call it quits?

Milk, does your H still have an active addiction? If so, how have you coped with it? Is it something I will have to have him search out on his own, or is there anything I can do to give him a little push to counseling? I think I am on the right track with how I am handling things, but I am in need of a little encouragement...

smartcookie, thanks for the names. I plan on doing a little reading this evening after my DS soccer banquet.

Just want to put a big "THANK YOU" out there to everyone who has helped me through this. I know there are tough times ahead when H actually gets back home, but you all have given me an opportunity to regain my self-esteem and drive for life.

Thanks again,
JJ

JJ,

H claims the last time he smoke pot was June 2004. But he admitted that he still watches some porn. He said "not as nearly as much as before", but who knows - and this is very hard to gauge. So does he still have an active addiction? I do not know what the answer is. Also because now he lives alone, I really do not know what he does when he has free time.

I guess the only good thing is that he continues to go to group counseling, so he keeps hearing similar stories from others as well as advice on his SA from the therapist. So I haven't pushed him into anything. If he was not in counseling, I might have suggested, but that is only if I sensed that he would be open to my suggestions.

In your case, since you two do have civil conversations and relationship, your mentioning of counseling might work, but make sure he does not interpret your suggestion as your accusation of him being "screwed up". If you two can attend such counseling sessions or meetings together, that would be the best. To start with, can he visit the recoverynation.com website?

All the best...
Milk

Well, it has been almost a whole week since I last talked to WH. Our last convo left him with me going to get an STD screen and telling him I still loved him (see previous post for details). So maybe he is just mad?

It has been so long, I almost feel as though I am in Plan B. I have started looking around me, opening my eyes to all the possibilities that are out there. My job is awesome, I'm getting lots of "guy" attention, I have a wonderful son, and life in general is going well... As long as I forget to think about H.

Is it normal to feel like you want a divorce just to get on with your life? I keep waffling between wanting H back and loving him dearly to just not caring at all and really looking forward to getting out and dating someone "normal".

Does that make me a hypocrite? At MB we are supposed to want to work on our marriages, but the more time that passes by without H in my life, the better I am feeling! I am confused. Is this a stage?

Thanks,
JJ

How come when you are thinking/feeling the least about your WS, that is the time when they choose to contact you and stir everything up? lol

I talked to H both yesterday and the day before. Both conversations were pleasant, just general chit chat. I can not talk about "us" or "the R" or he clams up. So it is like I am talking to him while looking around the big white elephant.

Yesterday I started boxing up his stuff. Why?? It made me feel better, and now I am wondering if it was a good idea. I love him, but I almost feel like it is gone. Will I be able to bounce back? Can I find the love again?

I keep sitting on the fence! (Ha, a BS fence sitter!)

I suppose everything will change once H comes home, but my anxiety level is growing in proportion to the number of days till he gets here.

This is so hard. Can I do this?

Because the WS in him wants to inflict pain to you. Is it working? There are ways to minmize or stop that from happening to you and your family. Get MB smart.

L.

I guess I thought I was getting pretty MB smart.

I just needed a little support today, someone to say I am on the right path...

JJ,

U r on the right path. It is just hard to stay on it, when the WS is trying sooo hard to keep the BS and family 'unbalanced'. Hard to believe that the very one who s/b protecting you and your family is your worst enemy. That's why it is important to pray for a clear mind, calm heart and lots of patience.

Hugz to you and your family. Don't lose your focus and don't give into the WS' demands.

take care,
L.

Just a little update: a whole lotta nothing!

Visited IC today, made a plan for getting some sex addiction treatment centers set up for when WH comes home. Hopefully he will choose his marriage over his addiction!

I also need to call out Orchid for being a good sport when I was having a bad night! Thanks for reminding me why I am here!

Good to see you got your wits about you today, JJ. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Good t/b prepared but don't be too disappointed you won't be able to use that stuff until he stops being a WS in action and not just word.

I find there is humor in reverse babbling the A. After a while it is hilarious. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> I used to look at the Ws when he would come over and just laugh. Before I used to cry, then when I saw how stupid he was being....well it just got funny. Then I 'demanded' he be happy. LOL!! Boy did his face get wickedly twisted LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

The inlaws have gone dark...

I knew it was coming, but it still hurts. They haven't talked to WH, but went from supportive and helpful to almost non-existant. At least they are still nice when we do have contact.

I am not pushing anything anymore. They said they would write to him and let him know what an @ss he is being, but I guess I now know where WH gets his problem avoidance problems from!

Jennifer - This is completely expected. I was always very close to my in-laws. They all agreed that I was the best thing that ever happened to my WH. After he cheated, they still sided with me. However, they gradually started avoiding me. The whole thing is an embarrassment to them.

My H and I had a good talk yesterday. Nothing important came up, of course. We started talking about my job and all the extra money floating around. I then told him I was thinking about upgrading to a new vehicle. To this he said "Why don't you go for it? Get yourself something really nice, even."

I don't know if he is so detattched that he doesn't think my expenses will effect him or what. That is so confusing! He knows I probably won't be able to afford a car payment after the D. (Or does he?)

I am just so confused when it comes to him.

May 10th, I guess, I'll get all my answers! (When he will be home!)

Hi JJ,

I haven't posted in a while - I have been really busy and also wanted to make sure I stayed busy, so that I did not have to think of all the craziness I am going through.

You sound good. I can see how you go back and forth with conflicting ideas - working on M or getting D to move forward with your life. I think this is completely normal that you are going through this. I still do the same. The best outcome is for my H to get healthy and work on our M. But then again, I have seen enough to know that recovery is hard, even if you did no have any adictions. So I feel hopeless and feel, just like you, that "okay, I'm done, I want to be surrounded by 'normal' people".

So I really do understand your feeling. And I think you are doing great.

Your WH contacts you when he feels you are gone - he does not want to lose you - but then again, when he thinks you are there and still care for him, he goes back to WH and may not contact you. All WHs are so selfish!

Focus on yourself and try not to over analyze his actions - if you want to get a car and think you can afford the payment, go for it! Although keep in mind, whatever you purchase now, will be considered marital asset so you may have to split it with WH in case you guys end up getting D.

Milk

I am a little stressed out today. H graduates from his military school and will go back to his apt and all his temptations. He will also finally be able to pick up my packages I have sent him that included some SA books and a letter telling him that I am willing to work with him to build a NEW marriage.

Don't know how it will all play out.

I also recieved a warm fuzzy letter (not!) from the IG saying all of my complaints were unsubstantiated and they were dropping the investigation. Fun! It makes me so mad to know that the Army willingly is employing a sex addict and refusing to make him seek treatment. GRRRRRRRRRR....

Ok, deep breaths.

Look, it appears you werent able to give them enough proof. Thats okay though. You know why? Because they are still watching AND you have exposed. Which means that relationship will always be out in the open. That is VERY good.

Relax. Let all of this work, okay? This is a process. Take this one step at a time (before you drive yourself crazy!).

In His arms.

Hey MM, I am really doing better than I sound on here! I hope I'm not coming off as being nutzo about this whole thing. The truth is, I am doing awesome. My job rocks, by boy is my angel, and I feel like my whole life is ahead of me.

H's stuff is all packed for when he gets home. If he can't seek treatment, he can't have a family. Simple as that. I love him, but I'm not dwelling on our M any more.

I don't care one way or the other what the army says. I know what happened. WH will have to get help for himself, whether the army makes him or not. I just have a horrible bias against them right now, and that is pretty sad considering I was a soldier at one time too.

The times I get on here, it is usually to rant and rave when I can't bring it to anybody else. Most of my friends and family can't believe I've put up with it this far!

So really, I'm doing well.

This is excellent! But be prepared as many times, it is easy to feel this way when he is NOT there. Once he gets there, your heart may pull you in a different direction. So, just be prepared.

Anyway, I am glad to hear that you are where you are at.

In His arms.

Well, I just couldn't force myself to stick to Plan A yesterday. I wrote WH an email full of complaints. He is home from school and has gone back to making excuses for not calling us. The last straw was a 1 sentence email on friday that said we wouldn't be able to call until monday.

This means he misses Easter. No call even to our little boy? What kind of father is that? Anyway, here is my email (and I know it was SOOOOOOO wrong):

Him:
Hey, I work all weekend, so it will be monday before I can call again.
WH

Me:
In other words, you are back to just calling us once a week with no mails or anything? You can't call Jacob or I on Easter? If you find that we are just an inconvienience for you, then just don't bother. I'm not mad, just really dissappointed. I was hoping for a little more respect from you, or at least a "thank you" for the packages.

I am really sad right now. I thought things were getting better. I would like a status report. Maybe it would be easier for you to write one, since you can't face me on the phone.
JJ

Anyway, big oops. Oh well, done is done.

JJ,

It is okay to express yourself. It is okay to enforce boundaries in Plan A! Noe this statement:


That was a love buster. Always use "I" statements! Okay? The rest of it is fine. Plan A does NOT mean you are a doormat. It means you are trying to meet ENs, without love busting. Learn what the love busters are. Enforcing boundaries is not one of them.

I know you feel down. It is a rollercoaster. Hang tough...this is a long haul thing. You're doing okay!

In His arms.