Hi everyone,
I know it has been awhile since I posted here, I have been talking with some MB friends off-line this past month and they have encouraged me to come back to MB to get a fresh perspective and Plan A advice from a more expansive and perhaps more objective group of people.

Well as you can tell from the title, I had the baby in the beginning of February - absolutely beautiful, unbelieveably wonderful. My WH was there the 3 days I was in the hospital for the most part he was there for me, but also not. He was excited to see the baby and excited that she is here, he loves her very much and cries frequently as he looks at her or holds her becuase as you can also see from the title WH filed for divorce when she was 2 weeks old. I didnt find out about it until she was 3 1/2 weeks old, I had to call the circuit court and ask if papers had been filed, then I hired one pitbull of a lawyer to protect me and my 3 wonderful children.

Through all of this I still love my H emensley, and I still have a strong desire to save my marriage...I know I am not the strong person that I need to be on a day to day basis, its harder some days than others, its hard to not be sad about what is happening sometimes. But saving my marriage and restoring the relationship with my WH is of utmost importance to me. I dont feel I ham in danger of losing my love for my WH yet, but I often fall victim to his meanness, and I need help with doing the best Plan A I can.

My WH does not hear my words at all, and he does not hear words from MC or IC either (which I knew he wouldnt but MC was his suggestion so I thought we should atleast try) He actually told MC that he wasnt going to listen to what she had to say, thinks she is on my side and that we are ganging up on him, and that we are not working ont he real problem and instead just focusing on him and this "A" which he admits to me he is having an EA but will not admit to anyone else, sacrastically he will admit it to MC but thats it.

I have talked to WH Grandma (MIL's mother) and exposed to her as well as WH Uncles and Aunt (MIL's brothers and sister) they are all shocked and disturbed by WH's actions and IL's involvement (despite my plea's to IL's for support and help they gave WH money to hire his lawyer).

I also spoke with Rabbi again several times, and after the divorce papers happened, she was in utter shock and could not believe that active members and people that sit on the board for the congregation would take such a position and something that is very against our religion, and morally wrong as well.

I am going to keep seeing MC but as my IC, I have an appointment with her today. She called me becuase she was worried about me from the last session that WH and I had with her, where WH blew up said he filed for divorce cant work on our marriage anymore, and that he only came to see if MC could act as a mediator and he wants to discuss child custody. She said she could not act as a mediator. WH told her that he filed for sole custody, and she asked him if he knew how morally wrong that was, he told her that he really didnt care what her opinion was and that he was going to believe his lawyer over her, he was actually kind of hostile towards her. Then he got up off the couch next to me and moved to a chair on the other side of the room and started demanding that I answer him as to if I am going to fight him on custody or if I will give him the shared custody that he wants. I was just in utter shock, and the MC saw that, and asked WH if this was the first time I heard this about divorce and kids, and he said yes. She told him that it was unreasonable to demand answers from me right now while I am still in shock from what he has said. He said he deserves an answer now, I didnt answer him.

When MC called me the other day, I asked her if she felt that I was irrational in regards to WH and the way he acts and the A. She said no, that it is obvious that WH is trying to hide something, and that he is being mean to me and recreating events to try and protect himself.

At this point WH tells me that he needs to divorce me and that he sees this as his only solution to his happiness and that this will be better for him and for our kids. He re-writes lots of history and says lots of horrid things...I know it is all babble so I wont bore you with the details.

I have told WH many times that I will work on our marriage with him whenever he is ready to do that, but I WILL NOT work on divorce with him, I do not want a divorce, I do not think it is a good idea for any of us. I tell him that I love him and that I want our marriage to work, and I am willing to work on our marriage whenever he is ready to.

WH tells me that he is willing to give me everything in the divorce, all he wants is the kids 50% of the time. Every time he talks to me he adds more and more things that he will give to me in the divorce becuase he says that he loves me so very much, that he will always love me and that he wants to always take care of me and make sure I am protected and safe. He also tells me that he only loves me in his memories, and that our marriage and I died to him a year ago.

Although I have gotten suggestions to move to Plan B I am not sure that it is the right decision, I have also gotten advice to keep at Plan A that I am not done with Plan A and that I havent done the best Plan A that I can, which would make Plan B not so great of an idea.

So here I am looking for advice, suggestions, that ever elusive miracle that I know doesnt exist, and some hope that there is still a chance for WH and I to recover and have the marriage that I hope we can.

Lost, Confused, and Angry....

TB - first allow me to say that he being a total a$$.

There are good men out here who cringe when we hear such stories.

No matter the state of your Plan A, I vote for Plan B without even going back and reading your prior posts (I will after this).

With a new baby you need to be separated from his crap and plan B may do that for you.

Also, I suspect he's getting pressure from outside to hurry the divorce. Can you elaborate on what this might be - other than the obvious > OW?

Turn your pit bull lawyer loose to go for the jugular. He needs to feel some consequences.

WAT, she is also getting extreme pressure from her IL's. This is a very hurtful and difficult situation. I agree that it may be time for plan B. However, I think we need to be sure she leaves her WH with a positive memory of her.

To do what?

Sorry I'm not up to speed on this.

WAT

Foggy up to his eye teeth and rolling out of his ears!



Your IL's are unbelievable! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I'm glad you've protected yourself legally!

You know part of Plan A is exposing and I don't think you are done with that, yet. You really must expose to the people at the office. Since the OW works at the office with WH and his parents (the eveil inlaws) this really, really needs to be done.

Put pressure on them where it hurts the most.

I believe he was given advice from his attorney to stay home more than he had been and not to move out. I don't believe she should move out as I think that he should have to support her and the kids in the manner they have been accustomed. I don't think she can start and effective plan B until he decides he's had it being his idea of 'good' and wants to move out himself. I doubt she can force him out before he wants to go.

Prior to this week he had been going out most nights of the week and basically abandoning her and the kids. Then when he's been home sometimes cries and tells her how much he loves her but can live with her and hates their house. He said he doesn't have any intention of moving out. If the DV drags on for a couple of years he might change his mind.

WAT she is getting pressure from her IL's to give up on her WH and to give up breastfeeding the baby so her WH can have the baby 50% of the time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

OW, is a "favored" employee of the IL's. WH works for IL's as well.

Something that might change IL's mind with re: to how much they support the A is if texasbeauty's WH owns any interest, whatsoever, in their business. Texasbeauty would be entitled to 50% of his interest in their business as it should be considered an asset of the marriage. Are the IL's going to be able to prove how much of the business is "theirs" vs "his" and are they going to want texasbeauty owning an interest. Their tune might change if they find out they're going to lose some of the income, too!

Regards,

BB

Congratulations on the new baby. I think the best response to any of your WH's demands right now is something like, "My attorney and I will discuss it and he will get back to you and your attorney."

One of my co-workers was abandoned by her H for another woman during pregnancy. Against her wishes, he brought the OW to the hospital to see the baby. I cannot for the life of me figure out what was going through that woman's mind. Why would anyone want to get involved with a man who is abandoning the mother of his newborn baby? Even if you think the man is your soulmate, hmm, your soulmate is a man who'd abandon the woman he got pregnant. Let's dwell on the implications of that for a moment.

So happy to hear about the baby! When so much ugliness is staring you in the face, it's comforting to have a sweet little soul in your arms who is . . . perfect.

My opinion is that your kids deserve to grow up in a home where their mom and dad love each other. As long as you feel like there is a chance for that to happen, you should go for it. I don't know how to do a Plan B if your WH is still in the house, so you're probably left with Plan A. A Plan A would probably make for a more pleasant home environment for your kids, too.

WAT - WH is for sure an A$$. I havent any clue why he seems to be in such a hurry.

BB- WH does not own any of the company at this point.

Elspeth - love the comment, I dont think OW cares about morals obviouslym she has to many $$$$$$$ in her eyes.

CSJ - you are so right - she is such a precious gift I absolutely treasure. She and DD and DS have been such a life saver for me, I just cherish them daily.
Also, I cannot legally throw him out of the house, so he has to go willingly.
__________________________________________________________

I went to IC tonight - it was great for me, IC was MC she has met and talked with WH and I. I asked her tonight what she thought about WH, if she thought he was having an A based on what she has seen and heard from him, she said yes it does seem to be that way. She is practically in tears several times talking to me, becuase she just cannot believe he would do this, and that IL's would be helping. At any rate, she helped me to see that it is not me, and what he is doing, it was very validating for me to hear this from her, because she has met with both of us. She told me how she sees that WH is hiding something, and that he is changing things on me to protect himself. She also said to me he admitted to the A once, it doesnt matter how many times he now denys it, the fact that he admitted once is all you need, becuase he wouldnt have done it that time if it wasnt really true, and now he just denys becuase he regrets that he admitted it to you.

You haven't really updated on the exposure you had as part of your plan.

I think it's important to further expose at the office. Get in other woman's face at least once. Let her see that you are a real woman with a beautiful new baby...that you are sweetness and light. Maybe she might get a clue if he could do something so horrible to a sweet person like you that he could do the same to her someday.

When you are healed and spring starts to show itself more in your area plan to get out and do fun stuff with the kids. Plan to go to the park, hands on science center, and the zoo on the weekends...tell WH he is welcome to join you...if not then just go yourselves.

I've read though some of your previous posts but not all of them. I'm very sad to see the way you've been treated. It's just awful that human beings can be so mean-spirited and cold to one another. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Gaslighting the BW is a common theme in OW forums. If you've never read in any of them...NOW is probably NOT the time to start! OW forums are places of twisted logic. Rationalizations which attempt to justify really rotten human behavior are the order of the day. In a scientific way, it's illuminating to watch...but not at all recommended for the weak of stomach. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

It's not at all unusual for the affair partners to intentionally keep the lid on their adultery in order to put the WS in a better position upon settlement. Even in no fault states this is done, because as someone posted to you earlier....judges are human beings. THIS IS A COMMON TACTIC.

I never noticed if you had hired a PI and acquired irrefutable evidence. If not, I think I would most definately do so now. There are REASONS for a WS to hide his dirty laundry. He's afraid of something. He's got something to lose. The most logical thing to do in that case is.....to EXPLOIT his fear. He'll lose his composure when you start poking holes in the fantasy bubble.

I probably wouldn't bother with any more 'exposure' at WH's workplace though. It would most likely only be viewed as harrassment at this point.

That said, I think there is room for further exposure at church *IF* you can provide definative proof. In that case, you could be viewed as looking for spiritual guidance rather than harrassing your WH and his extended family.

Most religious organizations have a hierarchy, and while I don't know much about Judaism...I expect they would have a similarly structured environment. If so, that means that your Rabbi has a BOSS. Should you provide conclusive proof that you need counseling and assistance for your marriage to the Rabbi and then be turned away... maybe you have a means for appeal?

I think that if I were in your shoes...I'd be working closely with my attorney at this point. Your WH has been maneuvering you toward divorce for a long time now...and there's NO REASON to comply with his wishes if your goal is marriage and WH is working only towards divorce.

I think I would pay particular attention to the family business, much as Brit suggested. And if there is any way possible to find evidence of conspiracy or collusion in the hiding of marital assets...I would take legal action against any and all involved, including the in-laws.

I don't see any reason why you can't continue to Plan A away in terms of displaying a pleasant demeanor...but it's time to play HARDBALL. I honestly think you're going to have to prioritize protecting yourself and your children ahead of the marriage just now. The interference by the in-laws is probably helping to FUEL the affair, and I'm not sure that the MB plan can effectively combat it in the short term. Over the course of time.....Yes. But for right now, your WH is getting too much approval and assistance from his family and friends. If and when he ever escapes the fog, I think the damage could very well be catastrophic beyond marital recovery.

It's probably time to concentrate your efforts on 'circling the wagons'.




p.s. I hope you're still breastfeeding by the way. That really peeved me to see that WH wanted you to bottlefeed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Not "harass" the infidels? Why not? So the "fantasy" can continue? I don't think that Ladyjane realizes that your husband works with his parents and the OW...that this is a FAMILY business...I believe that EVERYONE at that office needs to know what is going on...YESTERDAY!!!

Mrs. Wondering

What!!!! really???? why do you say that????

And of course I am still breastfeeding <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

All of our WS's A's caused them to display damaging behavior to the BS's. We all have our horror stories. They almost always act either passive aggressively or pyschologically abusive one way or the other. They can change back to be honorable people again. Your's is no different really except the added horror that he's doing this while you were pregnant and continued with a newborn to the point of filing for DV.

One difference is your H went ahead and filed for DV. I think that was aided by your IL's approval and aid. That adds another element of disgust to your sitch.

It isn't insurmountable if you both have the opportunity to rebuild your marriage. You may have to get will into DV or it may even go all the way through it. You will need to mentally prepare yourself for whatever out come and protect your self as you already are trying to.
It's bad but he is still redeemable. It will be up to you whether or not you can forgive his current behavior.

Thanks Trix,
I am trying to be prepared no matter what the outcome, but I am still activley persuing my marriage, and certainly NOT a DV.

That is why I think blowing up his facade with proof of the A and exposure at the office as well as you showing up at the office with the baby.

Beauty:

I absolutely disagree with LadyJane. "If and when he ever escapes the fog, I think the damage could very well be catastrophic beyond marital recovery."

No marraige is beyond recovery. My FWH left me 2 months after our #2 daughter was born. He came back when she was 9 months old and the affair finally ended (multiple dday stuff - I didn't know the A was still going on when I let him come home) in May of last year. In June our youngest will be 2.

Our pregnancy and infant children simply coinside with an affair. I think your marriage can be saved, but do all that you can to remove yourself from his drama and not protect him from the drama he creates. WS are dorks.