Someday you may find that you no longer especially WANT marital recovery. It happens. When an affair becomes protracted in length, it's difficult to preserve love and respect for your WS.

I'm not saying that you should necessarily go to Plan B. I don't really know. But part of Plan B is designed to stop the BS from taking on additional damage....to preserve their love for their WS. And I don't see why it wouldn't be possible to start "preserving love" now by deflecting any preventable damage by legal means.

The continuation of conflict allows opportunity for anger and resentment to grow unabated. In your situation, exposure hasn't been particularly effective in mounting pressure to stop the affair. Rather, your WH seems to be drawing support from his inner circle. That is likely to increase the duration of the affair, thus the amount of damage it causes to the marriage.

Protecting yourself and your children will allow you to proactively repell at least some of the damage. You don't have control over your WH's choices, but you might have at least some minimal control over how much takes from you. That's why I think it's important that you work closely with your attorney.

Everything that mounts up now in terms of anger and resentment will have to be resolved at some later date. Your WH is emptying your love bank day by day. There will have to be an accounting for that eventually. Best to not allow him to take more than you can afford to lose.

I'm sorry....I'm having a hard time getting my thoughts into words today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

What I mean is that I suspect, sadly enough, that this will eventually end up in court. TexasBeauty might want to make certain that there can be no claim of deliberate harrassment from her WH. In that way, she'll make the best impression on the judge.

I'm not a lawyer, but I think she'd do well to prevent any misunderstanding of her motives for later on.

If the principal parties that can apply pressure to the affair partners have already received full disclosure and haven't already offered support, I can't imagine what can be gained by exposing to the underlings at work. Unless she's exposing to people of REAL influence, I think there's a possibility that it could be viewed poorly by the court at some later date.

Ladyjane...

There is NO judge in the country that would EVER take that point of view...Texas Beauty is the MOTHER of 3 CHILDREN whose lives will be irrevoccably damaged should this affair result in the divorce of their parents...Texas Beauty could take out a billboard in front of the office regarding the affair if she so chose...remember, judges are HUMANS too...

Btw, Mr. W, who is an attorney, has advised TB to do all office exposure verbally face to face...then if the infidels wish to file harrassment charges each one of their employees would have to be called to testify...not gonna happen...

Mrs. Wondering

Ladyjane -

I dont even know what to say. I am at a marriage building website looking for support and advice on things I can do to SAVE MY MARRIAGE. I have a lawyer, do I want to have a lawyer NO. My WH filed for DV, do I want to have a DV, NO.

Honestly the advice I need is how to save my marriage, not how to prepare myself for it to never be again. For it is easy to sit back and unleash my lawyer on every aspect of my life and tear it to shreds, and get me everything and leave my WH in the gutter, and then continue to better myself and move on in life. That however is not the path I am trying to travel on, and am trying despartely to get my WH to switch tracks from the destructive OW path that he is on.

I cant get out of bed in the morning trying to be strong for me and my kids thinking negative thoughts about the potential outcome of all of this. I have to be able to hold on to something positive or I will never be able to have the strength to keep trying. The best possible scenario for me and my kids is to keep trying, to be able to restore our family to what it was and the wonderful marriage that I know it can be. That is what I need help with.

The lawyer part that is taken care of already, if things come down to the worst possible ending you suggest well then I can deal with that when it is brought upon us, but I sure cant live by that today. I hope that you have some helpful advice to offer me on how to save my marriage as that is what I am really looking for.

Thanks so much for sharing your opinions with me.

As I said earlier, I seem to be having some trouble making my language clear today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
It's not my intention to say anything to you that would cause you more anguish. I wouldn't have posted at all if I wasn't particularly sympathetic.

It's possible that I've misunderstood your situation. I haven't read ALL of your posts...only about 20 of them. It looked to me as if your husband was maneuvering you into downsizing your family's lifestyle in preparation for divorce. My thought was that if you prevent that from happening...you might be able to prevent some of the resentment that might be accumulated.

For example, say you agree to sell the family home, move into a smaller one, and then really HATE it. You don't like the neighborhood, or the schools aren't very good...you feel resentment from being maneuvered out of your old house. This could cause trouble regardless of what phase of the marriage reconciliation you're in, because it gives you cause for additional anger. Little things add up.

My other thought was that there STILL might be avenues available through your church, particularly if you can provide evidence of adultery.

For example, in the Catholic Church you can't continue actively sinning and be eligible to receive the sacraments. The possiblity exists that an unrepentant sinner would be excommunicated. Since Marriage is a sacrament, a Catholic who is not in good standing with the church couldn't receive it.

Introducing reality into the situation is never a mistake. Your WH might not be able to set you aside and then remarry within his religious environment. Wouldn't THAT put a few wholes in the fantasy bubble?

Anyway, as I said...I have no wish to cause you any discomfort, so I'll bow out of the conversation now. I do think there's hope for your situation. I just think that in light of your WH's support structure, it might be awhile before you see progress.

Hey. Was wondering about you. Glad you came back.

My sitch is not going well, but I see a lot of hope in yours, because your WH seems to care about your well being in his weird way--giving you everything. And he wants the kids 50/50. to me, that shows he hasn't checked out of his family permanently. And has probably helped you maintain your love for him.

At this point, might I suggest Love Must Be Tough by Dobson. It has helped me immensely coupled with the MB principles. And with your sitch being so much like mine, I think he it might help. It hepled me regain respect for myself and understand how my marriage needed it. It has shown my WH that I am a strong person. And along with plan A, it helps you not get into the doormat trap.

Congrats on the baby! What were her stats? My Elliot will be 2 months tomorrow and I canhardly believe it!

'Love Must Be Tough' by Dobson, helped me a lot and pushed me to get stronger too.

Thanks Intexas

She was 7lb 5oz and 21 inches - absolutely wonderful of course.

Last satuday I did some major exposure, I called OW, and had an hour long chat basically telling her I am not going away ever, and that I will have WH back one day, and that she should be a real woman and walk away. I also talked to OWH, and OWH father, and OW mother, and again to IL's who FIL finally admitted that he knows about the A and that he said it has been very obvious and he will not ask WH to stop having the A.

Needless to say WH was very upset by all of this and moved out of the house that afternoon.

On Sunday I exposed to a few ppl while I was at temple talk ing to DD's sunday school teacher. This apparently greatly upset my IL's and my WH.

It has been a hard week now that he is gone, I thought it was going to be easier, but it is not. I miss my H so very much, and I just wish that WH would vanish once and for all.

He still calls me sometimes for rather mundane things, I cant imagine why since he told me he was so excited to get out of this house and never be with me again. But oh yeah lets be friends. HAHHAH what a joke. He calls the kids each night before bed to say goodnight and ask them what they are doing with their day. Has not seen our baby but for 10 minutes since last saturday when he left.

The kids and I are doing great, I am so lucky to have my mom here with me helping me through all of this each day.

I really hate this.

Good for you!!!! Exposure is the best thing to end the affair. The WS is always extremely angry, but they do get over it.

Your best action now is to do nothing, and continue making a nice life. It often takes a couple of months for the affair to die.

Thank you Believer,

Well I am trying to do just that, and a bit more exposure in the works.
Trying to be strong, trying to be a better me, trying to make a beautiful home for me and the kids, trying to survive this A.

And Beliver - i hope you are right about the A dying.

Texasbeauty-
If you need support--I am two months ahead of you in the newbaby and wacked out/moved out WH saga. And our children are the same agaes basically. And--I'm in Texas.
Where in TX are you?

It gets easier. I have bad moments and pity-party weekends (this being one), but I CAN assure you it gets better. Continue working on you. Make a plan for you and the three blessings. Show your WH that you'll be okay. And hopefully when he is ready to return and be the man he is supposed to be, you'll be stronger than ever already. Either way--you are still strong.

I can't imagine calling OW. That must have been so hard. Shows you have lots of strength. I'm proud of you, too!

And WH calls you for mundane things because he still needs you. That's a good sign I would say (at least that is what everyone here tells me!)

The best thing you can do now is realize that your husband and his family are not going to do much to help you through this. You will have to help yourself and take care of yourself.

Your family needs you to get strong. Making your home a warm and welcoming place is a good plan. I did all kinds of cleaning, rearranging, painting, organizing. It kept me busy, and gave me something to think about and feel good about. It helped me get my self-esteem out of the toilet.

By the way, what did the OW's husband say?

Texas,

I will say a prayer for you and your children tonight.

Your WH is a total a$$!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I think this is great news! Now your WH will really have a taste of what life is like without you and his children. I predict he will quickly learn that his little fantasy isn't as satisfying as he thought it would be.

Be strong and focus on you--surround yourself with the things and people that you love. You will make it.

God bless,

-CSJ

Hi everyone...I havent posted here in a few, life is busy with 3 little ones, but I love it. Being a mom is the best.

So this is what happened today, I thought id post it here and get some input from the masses.
____________________________________________________________
WH called.....he was calm sounding.....he said he was up all night upset and couldnt sleep, that he was mentally exhausted from all the crying last night, he was thinking about me, he said he didnt go to work today.

He told me when he got up his lawyer called him and he had some papers, so he went to pick them up. It was my counter-petition. He said he wanted to talk to me about it.

He said I never wanted or intended to take the kids and introduce them to anyone, he said all I want to do is protect them and keep them safe. (petition says NO envolvement with OW until after divorce is finalized). Second he said he will give me any amount of support and maintenance that I want. Then he says will I let him have the kids 50% of the time. (petition says Sole custody)......

I said WH, I think you should be with the kids all the time, I think that you should be part of the kids lives everyday, I think that you should be here with us all the time like we planned when we decided to have kids. I said I think that we can have such a good life together just like we planned. I told him we have such great kids, they are so beautiful, so wonderful, so amazing. I said Lexi is so wonderful and you should be here to spend time with her, you've been missing it. He said I know I never get to see her, I never get to hold her. He starts crying again.

This is when things get strange:

I told him that I know that he loves me, he said yeah I really do (I know that was H talking and not WH) then I told him that I love him and I think he knows that too, he said yeah I know you do.

We talked for an hour and a half

I went on and on about how good we are for each other, and reminding him of things about us, and that any problems that we have we can work on and be great for one another and be great for the kids, that the kids are worth it and we are worth it. He was crying and agreeing with me.

He asked me what we can do to get back together.

I told him that there is a lot we can do, it will take a lot of work, and we need to sit down and talk about it.

Then WH showed up and spewed off a ridiculous plan where we get divorced he gets an apartment and we start dating and then work all the way back up to getting married again.

I told him this was not a plan that works for me, I will not divorce him. I said that we love each other and care for one another, I dont see why divorcing is necessary to prove that to one another. I tell him that I will not divorce him as a means to work on our marriage.

I asked if he could come over tonight so that he can visit with the kids, and we could talk if he wanted to. He said he couldnt tonight and gave me some lame excuse, whatever, he asked if he could come over on thursday night so we could talk.

He asked me to think about a plan for us.

He also said and how do we deal with the situation that you created, (LOL I created, as if I said OW this is my H please invade my life and make my H insane and want to divorce me) He said the situation that you are making much more out of than actually exists. (What does he think im stupid, he is living with this woman) ok anyhow....I told him that we need to sit down and discuss a plan. I told him that he means the world to me and I hope I mean the same to him, he said you know you do you always have and you always will. I told him I hope he meant that.

An hour and a half we were on the phone, longest we have talked in forever, and last night we talked for 30 minutes or longer.

Ok so I am freaking out now.....I was not expecting this at all, hoping for it but not expecting it. So now I am not prepared, I dont know what to do.

Clearly he wants to have his cake and eat it too, and that is clearly not an option. I dont want to make him think that I am rejecting him by rejecting his idiotic plan, but make it seem like more of a negotiation, but a negotiation that is totally about me and getting rid of OW. Hmmmmm I dont know if I am explaining that well.

He will not respond to me telling him what to do, and completely disgarding his suggestions. Somehow I have to make it seem like I have taken his suggestions and mine and made a plan best for both of us.

Ok so he is coming Thursday nite....and I need a plan.

So life with OW wasn't quite as blissful as he thought it might be. What a surprise.

The first order of business is to get him out of the OW's lovenest. As long as he is living with her, she is in a position to meet at least some of his needs and make deposits into his Lovebank. He needs to come home so all of his needs are being met by you and his children.

His "softspot" seems to be the kids, doesn't it? From what you described, the time he has missed with his new baby daughter has particularly hurt him. Maybe you could approach it from that angle--explain to him the difficulties the kids have had in adjusting to him not being around. The baby doesn't recognize her own father, etc. Has your WH missed something big, like a dance recital, a ball game, school program, anything like that? Point out ANYTHING specific--anything to drive it home that he has missed opportunities with his children because of his living arrangements--and that his children have been hurt by his absence.

If you made the case that his kids need him at home, maybe he would come up with the idea to move home--all on his own?

Another thought I had was his employment. And this is probably a consideration for down the road. But it leaves a bad taste in my mouth that your in-laws have SUPPORTED his A. That is sick. He shouldn't be working with them and maintaining a daily relationship with them. Didn't you say in one of your previous posts that your FWH had looked into being a paramedic or something like that? Maybe it's time for a change of profession--so your whole family can cut a few of the ties with his parents.

Good luck!

-CSJ

Yes most definately I am having a hard time with the thought of my IL's as well. And have also been trying to figure the recovery road and his current job.

And yes my WH used to be a paramedic, he had thought to go back to it, but it would take alot of work to get back to that now. I have some thinking to do on this one. Thanks.