This book really spoke about my situation.

I realize now that my particular scenario may have been a lot different than others. However, there are others who may have had this same pattern or experience.

First of all, the thesis of the book:

"...wives need love and husbands need respect...the Love and Respect Connection is the key to any problem in a marriage...How the need for love and the need for respect play off of one another in a marriage has EVERYTHING to do with the kind of marriage you have.

..the wife needs love just as she needs air to breathe..the husband needs respect just as he needs air to breathe.

"...respect is a man's deepest value"...

I know that this may be a controversial viewpoint TO SOME..

I was hesitant to post about this for that reason BECAUSE YOU NEED TO READ THE BOOK and LIVE THIS TO REALLY UNDERSTAND...

My story is this:

Before his A, my H SHOWED ME LOVE. Dr. Eggerichs gives practical suggestions on how a husband should show LOVE to his wife and my H did ALL of THOSE THINGS for me to the tee for many many years...I took his LOVE for GRANTED and thought that he would LOVE ME FOREVER....

To the contrary, I FAILED TO SHOW HIM RESPECT. RESPECT..this is the word that he has used OVER AND OVER AGAIN to describe his dissatisfaction with our marriage.

I AM DEFINITELY NOT EXCUSING HIM FOR HAVING AN AFFAIR!!!

However, on p. 68 of this book, what happened in our marriage is described perfectly.

Dr. Eggerichs states:

As one wife shared after her husband strayed into an affair:

I realized that my husband had cheated with this woman, not because of her looks or her personality, or because she was anything so great, but rather because she was his captive audience. She thought he hung the moon. Every remark he made to her was witty; everything he did was perfect. In her eyes, he was the most handsome, intelligent, funny man in the world. He needed an ego boost, and she was ready and willing to be that for him.

OMG..this is almost exactly what my H says attracted him to the OW...

He states a realization now that it was ALL BS but this is what she did....

Now, my H is back to LOVING ME AGAIN like before..what's different now is how I have learned to SHOW HIM RESPECT...

It's a CIRCLE..the more he LOVES me..the more I RESPECT him..the more I RESPECT him..the more he LOVES me...

Hope someone finds this to be helpful...

Mimi,

As I read that I saw myself and my husband....


This is how it was for us..... Exactlly described this way



My WH had said these to me almost in the exact same words a few months ago.... She gives him the admiration, affection and respect I had let fall to the wayside.....

I will have to get this book and read it.... Thanks for bringing to my attention ...


Hurting

Mimi,

This scenario on pg 68 also describes my situation...I let caring for our children come before caring for my husband...The OW was single, 25, and looked up to him, catered to him, etc...She didn't have the responsibilities of the household, kids, etc. to distract her from taking care of 'her man'...

My H thought I just didn't care for him anymore because I failed to give him the admiration, affection and respect that he needed...I took it for granted that he knew how much I loved him...That was my mistake...But I realize that I am not to blame for his A...I just wish I had known all of this before it was too late...

I will definitely get this book. Thanks!

I just picked up this book (and the study guide for it) earlier this week. It caught my attention because our counselor had shown us the "Crazy Cycle" diagram early on in our counseling.

In my case, I'm guilty of not showing my wife love - at least not in ways that she could recognize. I have a harder time with the "respect" thing, but I think that ties more into men (or me, at least) with not realzing what it is that shows us respect.

I hope to use it jointly with MP to start rebuilding our marriage. If not, I'll use it alone and keep praying.

I loved the book. My new H and I also went to one of their weekend seminars recently and that was even better. Anyone who has the chance to attend their seminar - it is well worth it.

One comment that Dr Eggerichs made at the seminar, a couple of times, was something to the effect of "if you are doing all the right things, and your spouse is not responding, then something is wrong. Most likely, your spouse is having an affair".
I don't remember his exact words, but the way he said it had a profound impact on me. it made complete sense, and I also felt like the program was similar to MB.

Mamafish:


Your situation as you describe here is like mine EXACTLY...



It is not too late for you to have the MARRIAGE OF YOUR DREAMS...

RUN..DON'T WALK..AND GET THIS BOOK!!

Follow his advice..

He gives specific instructions to HUSBANDS AND WIVES...

I guarantee you that you will be amazed at your FWH's REACTION...

I'm not doubting that the paragraph describes your marriage, or that having a woman treat him the way described would be a real turn-on for a man, but to me, the paragraph is describing love, not respect. I respect my boss, but I don't think she hung the moon and that her every remark is witty and everything she does is perfect. I'm not sure I think my H is perfect, either, but I do think he's adorable and witty and he makes a terrific martini, and I like having him around. (My boss, not so much. I work better without her underfoot.) I can't imagine treating someone the way this paragraph describes merely out of respect. I'd have to be in love with the dude.

Elspeth...

Buy yourself a copy of the book...

According to his theory, MEN FEEL LOVED WHEN THEY ARE RESPECTED....

Ask your H what he thinks...

Mimi, that's a non sequitur. I didn't say that men don't want to be respected. I'm sure they do. I said that the paragraph you cited described love, not respect. People need Vitamin C, too, but if I read a description of something that said, "a fat soluble vitamin that helps in the absorption of calcium", I'd know I was reading a description of Vitamin D, not Vitamin C. Doesn't mean Vitamin C is not important, too.

It describes *over the top* ADMIRATION to me...(moreso than love or respect)

Mimi, what you and the book describe sound far more like "Admiration" than "Respect".

Admiration is my WH's absolute #1 emotional need and unfortunately, he also confuses it with Respect. He would get roaring mad when I would do outrageous things like, oh, you know, think I should be invited to his own off-site birthday party, thrown by his co-workers at a very nice restaurant. "But I need the chance to get these people's RESPECT!!!"

That's not Respect, honey. That's Admiration. It's not always the same thing.

Oh, but his office bimboes just Respected the h*ll out of him, too. Nothing shows respect like accidentally bending over and shoving your *ss in the boss's face right in front of everyone -- unless it's avoiding his wife like she's got the plague and sneaking out with him to the parking lot so they can go out and Plague Wife won't know.

He has NO concept of the difference between Respect and Sucking Up (which, in my opinion, is Unhealthy Admiration.) To him, any sort of attention and admiration is "Respect." No, it's not. Some of it is just plain sucking up and manipulation of the boss to get what THEY wanted from him, and he fell hard for it. He's still got the hook sticking out of his mouth.

You should have seen the look on his face when I told him that if his starry-eyed little gal-pals and his married enablers had really "respected" him, they would have told him to get his head out and start taking care of his OWN marriage instead of ignoring that, letting it starve to death and causing complete misery and chaos in his own home.

It was obvious that this had never occurred to him before.
Mulan

I see it as ADMIRATION too..but Eggerichs has a Biblical reference for using the term RESPECT...

Really, guys, read the book if you choose and then we can talk..

OMG, I can't explain it as well as he does...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

The Biblical reference on which Eggerichs bases his approach is this one:

Ephesians 5:33: "Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband" (NIV).

He is speaking of a "LOVE and RESPECT CONNECTION".

My H (prior to his A and now) did and does deserve my RESPECT and I freely show it because he demonstrates his LOVE for me.

More later....

Mulan:

The author is speaking of the LOVE and RESPECT in the forementioned Biblical passage. Paul is referring to LOVE and RESPECT between a HUSBAND and a WIFE. This is on a different LEVEL than other relationships...

You say this:



Please forgive me if I'm wrong. Of course, you can't conceive of RESPECTING your H. If it is as you describe him above, HE DOES NOT SHOW LOVE towards you. My H did and does. Eggerichs, for example, recommends for Hs to show LOYALTY towards their wives. One of his specific recommendations of how a H can do this is this on p. 172:

include her in social gatherings when others may leave their spouses home.

I'm not wanting to boast, Mulan but my H does do this. I think you and all women deserve this treatment.

Tonight my H's business is having a dinner and other men are not bringing their wives. My H is insisting, though, that I go. He says that he wants me with him.... Get it? A demonstration of his LOYALTY and his LOVE.... I RESPECT him for that....In the past, when he has done this..and this has been my H's pattern (that's why I love this book), I have not gone. I'm thankful that I have the chance to redo this...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

mimi

my H did show love to me also and i EXPECTED it-instead of RESPECTED him for it

thanks for the love lesson...hopefully i'll get a chance to show my H that I've learned from my mistake

i'm so happy for both of you that you've gotten the chance to make things better

Mimi,

Thanks for the encouragement...I just requested this from my town library==they had 2 copies available...I will pick this up tomorrow with some other books I ordered (the 5 love languages was one I've seen recommended here).

I hope that this will help us break the vicious cycle that we have started to go back to now that things have somewhat settled down...

I'll let you know what I think after I read it --I'll put this one FIRST on my list...

This is an excellant book. Another one that is great is Covenant Marriage by Gary Chapman. Also, Love Life for Every Married Couple by Ed Wheat.

All great books.

K