I can't find your thread. How are you?

Confused -

I was wondering the exact same thing.......I don't think I've seen her post in quite some time.

Kim

Hope you are doing ok, been wondering what in the Sam Hill you are up to! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Bump, bump, bumping for shattered05

What's up?

Bump - hope you are doing OK

psssst.....bump

Shattered, check in with us please!

<bump>

maybe she is off with eav...I haven't seen her post in a while either.

bump

once more to the top ^bump^

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />Hi! Thank you everyone for checking on me. It feels good to be noticed. I've been feeling like I'm living an invisible life and was even starting to feel like maybe I don't belong on these boards - since I'm already divorced.

Are you ready for a long winded update? Seems I don't know how to do it any other way. I started a new job last week - hooray! After d-day my work performance flatlined and I didn't get my contract renewed. That was a double whammy. H dumps me and I become unemployed at midlife. NOthing like kicking you when you are down. I had been in high anxiety mode over the what if's. I got a job working for a hospital in a satellite doctor's office. I absolutely love it and words cannot explain my spiritual graditude over this. It comes with a pension plan that I don't contribute a dime to, long term disability, tuition reimbursement, health, dental, etc. I got the house in the divorce but needed insurance. I want to go back to school to increase my earnings potential and they will pay for that.

This job has done wonderful things for me in a short time. Guess what? People love me! They tell me I have picked things up so quickly and a woman I work with told me she now looks forward to coming to work for the first time in a long time because I am helping her with the workload and she enjoys working with me. I have all new clothes for work and I have been going to the hospital for training and have noticed men noticing me. I keep looking behind me to see who they are looking at. What I am getting at is that I am seeing positive mirroring of myself in a lot of people's eyes. It's been along time since I have felt needed, attractive, talented, and appreciated. It is a place where I can spend the rest of my career, with lots of room to pursue more opportunity.

Now the WEX update. Because of the above, I find myself pulling away from him. I feel really good about myself when I am not around him. Of course, what's the response to that? He appears to be drawing closer to me. It has been very confusing and I don't know what I want anymore. I go all week doing my job, getting great feedback, feeling good, etc., start thinking I am so over him and I am going to tell him we need to start living like divorced people. I want a life. He has so much stuff here, he really has not moved out. He calls to talk to DS and then asks for me. I don't ask to speak to him anymore. HE ends the calls with ILY. I don't return the sentiment. He wants to chat and I don't. I was getting up the nerve last weekend to tell him goodbye - you've lost me and I think he knew it. Monday I asked him to watch DS Friday night so I could go somewhere and he said he had to check his schedule but probably not. Thursday eve he called to say he would and I said no thanks, I've made other plans. He didn't like that. Friday morn he calls first thing and wants to make sure I don't want him to. I said "okay". I made sure I looked really good when I dropped DS off. I wasn't much interested in EH and he started looking nervous. When he said goodbye he said "I love you" and I peeled away without returning the sentiment. (Insert evil shriek here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />). I asked him to take DS for the day Saturday. I told him I wanted time to myself. HE agreed to but suddenly wants to come and spend the day here with DS. I think he wanted to see what I was up to. I really wanted to time to myself but didn't get it.

I have been telling him how much I looooove my job, how much they loooove me, yadda yadda. You know, really laying it on thick. He starts making comments about how I am going to be on a date w/ "my doctor boyfriend" in his private plane, flying over WEH dusty pickup truck. I just smile. I also couldn't help myself from telling him that I was looking up an old boyfriend from HS on the internet and that he's a successful Wall Street trader making over 600G/yr salary alone. Because of what he does he has to file this info w/ the SEC and it shows up on a google search. Anyhow, WEH sadly says "You should have married him instead." The jist of it was "I am a loser, you should have married him instead." It was kind of sad. I didn't reply. It's not about the ex boyfriend, I was just curious but I would never stoop to contacting him - he is married. But I want WEX to know I am a valuable commodity and I am dusting myself off and moving on.

So WEX comes here Sat. Wants to know where I am going and why do I have to leave. I say I've got things to do and go. When I return he is on the couch. He says "Here, I have a spot for you" and pats the couch next to him. Usually it's me saying "Can I sit there." Anyhow, I am seeing feelings in his face for me that I haven't seen in a long time. I see a softening of his face and I see love in his eyes. We had a decent conversation about our marriage, albeit brief. I told him I still don't have a good handle on why/when he was unhappy. He still brings up the sex but says it was his fault because he was always working. He says IC is helping him. I told him that I feel when other people look at me, they see positive things. I feel that when he looks at me all he sees are negative things. He told me that is not true, that he doesn't see negative things when he looks at me.

OW update: He is still seeing her, denying it, and lying about the affair. He is still trying to minimize the timeframe, etc. I told him I am not stupid and just because he tells me stories, doesn't mean I believe them. I told him while she is in his life, I won't be and I don't know how much longer I can keep the door open for him. He knows this. Oh yeah, Monday morn he called to ask if he could take me and DS out to breakfast Sat. morn. I told him to call me later, I didn't know! That is huge for him, but for me, not quite there yet. I think I am going to say no. Why? Because he still has not taken me out alone. He needs to date me. He should not have the luxury of a "family" breakfast. He is divorced from his family.

Now: I really don't know what I want. I am also wondering what is wrong with me because I don't want to hurt him. I know if I slam the door in his face, he will be hurting. Why do I allow him to hurt me, but I can't hurt him back? I find myself wondering how long this affair has really been going on. I wonder if he can really make it up to me. I wonder what it would be like to be with another man that would look at me and think to himself "I'm the luckiest guy in the world". Sometimes I think I might be better off starting over with someone else. Honesty: I don't want to spend the rest of my life by myself. What if there is no one else for me? And dang it all, I am still emotionally attached to WEH. As I have said, I am very confused about my conflicting emotions.

One more thing. Being a single mom shucks, big time. I want to go to school and all but I don't know how I am going to wing it. It cost $$ to have DS in afterschool care, and I am pretty much 100% responsible for his care. WH is not reliable. I don't have any family nearby to help and no friends that can become what I need - a family member.

Soooo . . . . . that is my update. I needed some time away from here, but thank you for looking for me. I am still bruised and battered from his affair and I think it really would have hurt if no one asked about me. I am still a little tender and thin skinned.

S.

So glad to hear from you!!

You sound great and I am envious of the place you are in your life. The job sounds great, you don't have to decide anything about your love life right now, you're looking and feeling gooood.

So happy for you!!

Thank you Jean. I hope we can all find our inner peace.
S.

Sounds like you are doing well. I'm so happy you like your job. I think that will really help your self esteem.

As far as WH, I would get very busy. As long as he has OW, he is not being fair to you. Their affair WILL end.

And if things don't work out with your husband, there will be another man for you. Heck, I'm 12 years older than you, very plain, and poor, and I'm getting some interest.

Shattered, so glad to hear from you...I was getting worried.


Shattered, we certainly think alike except for the part about wondering what it would be like to be with another man <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I wish I could slap your XWH upside the head and knock some sense into him. It seems quite obvious that he is scared to loose you to another man. I don't know what advice to give you hear but hopefully some of the vets can shime in.

Remember you're a catch and any guy would defenitely be LUCKY to have you. Don't settle for anthing less then that.

Thanks for your encouragement Believer.
You crack me up! But one thing I have learned from affairs is that it is not about looks, money, etc. Now I don't know what you look like, I'm assuming you're not a cyclopse, but I do know you are a beautiful person inside and that is all that counts. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I know, and yours too. I am really starting to see where SH says they will come back but sometimes it is too late.

My WEX is having a MLC-midlife crisis. Sometimes I think he must be so confused and hurting inside to have made such a mess of his life. On the other hand, it seems so simple to me to fix so I don't "get it". Sometimes I wonder if he is a physcho. Other times I can detatch and have some empathy.

Thanks for checking in. I have to catch up on your thread. I'll jump over and see what's shakin in your world.
S.