What am I to do?
It's my 4 yr. old.
He hurt his brother, threw a huge tantrum, and was sent to bed.

So he starts screaming for Daddy. This is his new thing. He gets in trouble and then wants daddy.

He holds his pic and cries at sound-breaking levels for daddy to hold him. This then ignites the 2 year old, and thus i have a "i want daddy" screaming fest. All this and I am at work, too.

I'm about to lose it. What do I do? He's 4.

It doesn't help that my wh has seen them 2 days since Feb. 13. They miss him. He just has excuses.

Like this next week is Spring Break. I asked him to take them. He said no--he has plans. I ask--what plans? He says--my business is not your business. But I am taking OW to houston to airport and picking her up the same evening, then we're gonna hang out there. But i'll get them Sunday through tuesday morning. Sorry, he says, but it is the best I can do.

I am ready to yank my eyebrows out right now.

Can the kids talk to daddy on the phone? Or maybe have them draw a picture for daddy, we talked about the tape recorder already - didn't we.

I know how hard this is. I had a few rough months with OD, and now YD has kicked into her anger stage. I guess her delayed reaction is a blessing, having both of them wacko at the same time would have been so hard.

Reward the heck out of positive behavior, let DS know when you are proud of him. They really want to make us happy in their sweet little way.

If all else fails, throw them all in the bathtub with a few cans of cheapo shaving cream, they will have a blast!

WH doesn't want them to call because he might not be able to handle it emotionally--those were his words.
He suggested they text message him.
the oldest is 4. how realistic is that?

Love the bathtub idea, only i am on call all night, and if the phone rings, doorbell sounds, or a family needs a ride to the hospital--well shaving-creamed covered boys would make that hard. I will remember that for the weekends, though.

(((intexas))) I really feel for you and your boys! I don't know what I'd do if DD was old enough to do all that. I am so sorry. I wish I had something helpful to say.

He only gets upset at naptime, bedtime, and when he is in trouble. Should I address this differently?

Ohhh Kayyy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Man I hate these stupid waywards! My WH has said similar things. And when the kids talk to him about how much they miss him, he tells them "I've been gone for months, its time to get over it" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Is counseling an option for the 4yo, maybe your local divorce care group? Drawing is a great outlet for kids and there are plenty of books at the library to help kids understand what is happening. How about a picture of daddy and a tape recorder? Give DS a quiet place where he can "talk" to daddy that way.

For a little while, we used an anger ball here. OD would take the beach ball into the stairwell and throw it as hard as she could. It relieved her tension so she wouldn't take it out on her little sister. I seriously considered buying a punching bag.

((intexas))

I think you need to slap that A-hole husband of yours.....

Ooops, I forgot, this is a marriage building site. I think I would have them color pictures for daddy, so that they have some connection. The other thing that worked for me at nap and bedtime was that I read by boys a story, and then let them keep the light on and "read" books. It was amazing how fast they fell asleep, plus they both turned out to be excellent readers.

Believer--sometimes I want to, but i am just too darn nice.

As for counseling--do you think he is too young? I mean, i am afraid he'll grow up thinking he's different r something. make sense? I just want to make their lives as normal and stable as possible.

I don't think he is too young for counseling. My son had counseling when his dad abandoned him at 4. The counselor mainly played games with him, and had him draw.

Your husband is not thinking right, so it will be up to you. A child that age can be distracted. He can have a connection with daddy by drawing pictures for him. And the reading at bedtime really works good. My kids were always asleep by 8:00, and that gave me some time to unwind.

I don't think he would be bothered by counseling, he is too young to have the complexes we have about seeing a head shrinker. My DD's did very well. I was really surprised how quickly it helped. But my 8yo was the primary patient and she is very capable in expressing her feelings.

If there are support groups around, maybe you could try that. the kids would play with other kids going through the same stuff and you would have grown ups to bounce ideas off of.

As far as the napping, angry and being in trouble triggers, the only thing I can suggest is heading it off at the pass. Feed them and put them down for naps before the meltdown. And learn his triggers, as soon as you see him getting riled up, have some distraction handy. Maybe a box of craft stuff or blocks or whatever, have a quick way to deflate the situation.

As far as just big kid picking on little kid stuff (not talking about divorce meltdowns and all that), one thing that helped in my house is giving the majority of the attention to the victim. If the aggressor is doing so to get attention and you immediately give him your attention (even your anger)-he gets a pay off. If you focus on the victim, the aggressor doesn't get their pay off.

In our house, we have always had the policy that "you break them, you fix them". We keep ice packs handy and the aggressor has to "treat" the victim. It seems to help them learn compassion for each other.

Thanks Believer and Jean.

I think the hard part for me is that these moments seem to ALWAYS happen when I am at work--which is from 5pm to 7am. I live where I work, so I have the kiddos with me. I can be reading a bedtime story, but if the phone rings, a family comes to check in, etc, bedtime story must be axed for time being. I hate that--but I can't change it now. In time, I will have a new job (going back for certification classes this summer).

The triggers for him happen when he is in trouble or when he doesn't want to do something--naps, beditme. He is a very emotional child. Always has been. At 3, he declared that he had "feeeeelings" and we were hurting them because we wouldn't let him have a happy meal for dinner. He knows how to work people already. It's scary. But he is so dang smart too.

My best friend's husband left her for another woman the week before mine did (scary, huh?). she has a little boy same age as my Ben. When they get together, they talk about their dads. I hope this is helpful. I tried explaining to him that there are all kinds of families. I just want to protect his little heart as long as I can.



Anyone have any book recommendations to read to him? I asked the counselor (marriage counselor way back in september) and he didn't know of any.

And as far as the baby is concerned...well, WH has seen him all of 20 seconds this month when he peeked his head in the car and kissed his forehead. that's all. It's been a month. He said he'd see him on the 22nd for an hour or two.

Believer,

I laughed out loud over this, Please do not take offense, but it just struck me as very funny and like some thing I would say or want to say in a moment of frustration.

Peace be with you believer, My prayers are. Good luck and God Bless.

Thank you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />