Hi everyone! I really need your help here as I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not.

My FWH's affair was a 2 year on/off thing with a work colleague. They slept together 6 - 8 times. They work for the same company but not on the same floor nor in the same department. It's a big corporation so they don't even use the same set of lifts now as hubby has changed floors. There is occasional work contact through general e-mails sent by either one to a lot of people in the corporation. No other contact (that I know of) except a "Hello" if they pass each other in a general area, or if there is a big function on (which FWH always tries to get out of if he knows that she may be there).

My FWH has done anything and everything to make things right for me and our marriage and he totally regrets everything. However, he still has a lot of work dinners entertaining clients that last until late in the night. Despite the great progress we have made, I still get paranoid with these dinners and always ask him who is attending, which he is happy to tell me. He has even said that he will do whatever it takes to make me believe him, saying that I can page him at the restaurant, he will take a photo of the table with his mobile, I can speak to another work colleague of his who is also at the dinner, etc.

I get paranoid because dinner with clients was always the excuse that my FWH used when he went out with the OW (unbeknown to me).

Now it still concerns me that they are both working for the same company, though there is limited contact, as mentioned above. When FWH arrived home from a dinner last night I was upset over the whole A thing again. I also told him that every day he goes to work it is painful for me because she is still there.

His response was a frustrated and exasperated, "It is not an issue. There is nothing ever going to happen ever again. I am totally and forever in love with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Even if there was contact, IT WOULDN'T MATTER because nothing is going to happen. What do you think I am going to do, bonk her in the middle of the office or something? I love you and only you".

When I said that I'd love to move interstate and start afresh he said, "And what would that achieve?" and repeated what he said above, except for the "bonking" bit, which he apologised about.

After the initial financial struggle of marrying young, we are starting to lead a reasonably comfortable life and enjoying the fruits of our labour, as FWH has a great job. A job transfer interstate is not possible because it would mean a downgrading of his position. And he really enjoys his work. But it would sure make my recovery easier if he wasn't working there.

I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable here about wanting him to change jobs. Everything else he is doing is wonderful. Emotionally, some days are great for me, others not so great. But the trust issue here is a big factor as he lied to me so much during the A.

Do you think it is possible to have a successful recovery when there is still limited, "accidental" contact? Am I love-busting here? Things are so hard sometimes! It may not be an issue for him, but it is SO an issue for me.

Thanks for taking your time to read this and apologies if it was too long.

Allnew <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I just found a reply from Mrs Wondering to my initial post last September:

"Dr. Harley strongly suggest "NO CONTACT" for life with the other woman. This means either she quits or he quits his job. The temptation is simply to great for your husband to be near or around here, it will hamper your recovery no matter what the liar says (and he is a liar right now), and the pain of mistrust you would necessarily endure is not worth it. Your husband has said he would do anything to make things right...well it is time to start job searching. If he refuses then you have to fully expose the affair to everyone at work to get OW to quit."

Do you think this still applies to my situation, given the great progress we have made? It would seem so cruel to do this to my husband now and would be a huge love-buster. I think it would set the recovery progress back a mile.

The issue here is your H has to do whatever he can to protect you and take heed of your feelings. I would suggest first of all printing out the Infidelity FAQ's from this site and showing them to him. Read "Surviving an Affair" and "His Needs, Her Needs" from this site.

Your husband should be looking for another job to protect you and ensure there is no resumption of the affair. He is probably OK to keep working there for the moment however as he only has occasional contact with the OW.

You have it the wrong way around. Your husband continuing in his job regardless of your feelings is a huge Love Buster for YOU!

all, if you want your marriage to recover, he will have to end ALL contact. He can't withdraw from the OW as long as they continue to see each other. That would be like sending an alcoholic into the bar every day, giving him a drink [but calling it a "workplace drink'] and then wondering why he can never recover. When the inevitable weak moment hits, he is back on another binge because the means to get drunk is right there before him.

We have people on this forum whose spouse had long term on-again/off-again affairs because they did not insist on no contact.

But, it does involve sacrifice and some are not willing to sacrifice a job for a marriage. Like bigkahuna stated, his working with her is a HUGE LOVEBUSTER to you that will keep you in perpetual fear and tension, preventing marital recovery. Every time he sees her puts you and him back to Day 1 of recovery, making recovery impossible.

Here is what Dr. Harley says about it:

Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.


<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.


Entire article: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

All,

In a word, yes. NC applies. You really answered your own questions.





My FWH never saw OW again starting about 1 month prior to d-day and there has been NC for 26 months ever since he finally convinced her that he really didn't want to hear from her again.

FOW lives 3000 miles away and we have no chance of accidentally running into her and recovery is still difficult. I would feel exactly as you do about not knowing in any given day whether he is running into her or whether you might.

He should start looking for another job, your marriage is far more important that his current job in the long run.

Who

hi Allnew -

The responses so far to you on your question unmistakenly give the 4.0 MB answer. All contact must end and all potential contact must be minimized. This is the MB fundamentalist position that results in the best insurance against a relapse with this particular OW.

Does it help for a new affair with a new OW? Nope.

Even if a job change and move to the other side of the planet took place, does this insure no further contact with the original OW? Nope again.

Logically, the converse is also not assured - staying in his position does not mean a relapse with the original OW will occur. It only means that some risk for it is present - logically a greater risk than if absolutely no contact could be minimized.

Thus, I'll postulate that full recovery of your marriage can occur if he doesn't change jobs. No one can successfully argue with this. But as you can attest, full recovery is more difficult for you this way. This is because you place a very high premium on no contact via a location change. Only you can reconcile this vis a vis the risk logic.

After my divorce, I dated a woman who works in my building for a short while. She was a long time friend and we had a good time. Soon, I determined that she wasn't right for me for a long term relationship and I ended the dating. She was hurt and expressed a strong desire to continue our relationship. We work in the same organization and have frequent "sightings". In the meantime, I met and fell in love with my current significant other. I am devoted to her and I have no fear whatsoever that contact with the workplace acquaintence will result in a "relapse."

The parallel to your situation is that perhaps your husband sincerely is head over heels in love with you and - assuming you can build the best marriage possible - there is NO threat to you from the former OW. Nor is there any threat to you from ANY new OW.

You have to make the risk determination. This is reasonably different for different people. Thus, we cannot advise you on exactly what to do. We can only advise you as to the action that will likely result in the best insurance - that's exactly what the prior responders did. Further, we cannot judge your H's sinceriety. He may be as sincere to you as I am to my SO. Or, he may be a player stringing you along.

I hope this has given you food for thought.

Allnew,

Have you and your H read up on withdrawal? It is dangerous to rely on willpower, considering that an A is an addiction.

A job is replaceable, your marriage is not.

We went through a similar experience with the job thing. Here is a link to a thread about it...

The Lion's Den

Here is a link to Suzet's Guide on Withdrawal

My H met OW at a part-time job. By the time the A ended, she no longer worked there, so I thought everything was fine when he went back to work. But she still has friends there, had access to his schedule, and his second day back to work after breaking up with her, she knew he would be there and left a pleading note on his car. The gist of it was, "I miss you so much, please, I will recover much better if I can just hear your voice sometimes, please just call me." And he was not strong enough to resist.

A few weeks down the road, I discovered the renewal of contact. Faced with the absolute ruination of his marriage, my H voluntarily gave up his secret phone and ended it once again. But one of my conditions for even considering taking him back was that he quit that job, even though it was a very good one (peace officer), and would soon have gone to full time with benefits, etc.

We have struggled financially since, finally starting to do better the last couple of months, but it was very much worth it for the peace of mind it brought me. His relapse, after I had begun to believe his promises and that he loved me, did more damage than any other single event in the A. I am still feeling the repercussions of his lapse today, even though he only met with her once, in public, and I caught him.

In some ways it was almost a bigger betrayal than when he was screwing her, because with many tears he had promised that he loved only me, that he wanted nothing more to do with her, that I was the only one for him, yadda yadda. Was he sincere at the time? Probably. But as soon as she begged, he crumbled.

You need to make the choice that is best for you. For me it was worth it to cut all ties to his past life, all ties to schedules or patterns where she could easily track him down, and even with that she has been a huge thorn in our flesh, but she has not gotten to him.

I wish you all the best.