I posted on another board and thought I would get better feedback here. Very sorry this is so long.


Two years ago my husband had gastric bypass. Within a year he made all new friends. My family has always taken precedence in my life, as
it should be in anyone's life. We have always done
things as a family. There was a time shortly after
getting our first horse, when my husband know longer wanted to do
things as a family, he excluded my daughter and myself from
everything at the barn. His horses and friends pretty
much consumed his life. He was know longer interested
in things at home, mostly me. In Feb of last year he told me he was
not happy w/ me, wasn't sure if he loved me anymore
and he was bored. My initial thought was... "What
have I done?" I tried numerous things to make him
happy, nothing I did prevailed. The night prior to
a roping clinic, our daughter and I were at the barn
waiting for his return from a trip. He phoned me and
suggested I go home as it was going to be a while
until he got to the barn. I saw his phone the next
day and right after he phoned me to go home, he text
ed the barn manager w/ "I am on my way!!!". (she is known to be very primiscuous) The next day of the
roping clinic he was angry w/ me for tagging along w/
him, I couldn't understand it. After I watched my
husband chase this woman around w/ a rope, I went to the
truck to get warm and his 2 phones were there. While
checking his phones for answers, I got answers. I
felt the volume of calls to and from her were just
a bit much, that is not even including the massive
amount text messages. She had a very nice ring tone
on each phone, while I had a siren. I thought that
just a bit odd, considering he has probably 50
contacts on each phone, she and I were the only ones
that had ring tones. He explained to me that he was
screwing around on the plane w/ the phones. There were so many things to numorous to mention. (Such as 2 trips to Florida) At this point I am becoming increasingly
concerned w/ their friendship. I begin to
voice how inappropriate it is for a married man to
have such a close friendship w/ another woman. By
this time he has included our daughter and wants me to join
as well. My thought is to become her friend, after
talking w/ her on the phone, I phone my husband to tell
him, and I find that she was sitting right across the
table at lunch from my husband and did not say a word
while she was talking w/ me. I think this is rather
sneaky. This type of behaviour continued. Now... my heart is broke and I am
enraged. My thoughts were... How can a married man
and father spend the majority of his time w/ another
woman,(whether it be on the phone, texts, emails etc)
and it is platonic? He is adamit that they are just friends, she is his best friend. I used to be his best friend. Finally... In Oct. my husband tells
me that he did indeed ask her if there could ever be
anything more her reply was "We are too good of
friends". This woman knew my husband was overly fond of
her, and she came into my home as my guest, this was
insulting. We tried counseling, the counseler asked my husband to describe this woman... He said "she is a whimsical peterpan". I never condoned this friendship and I fought it every step of the way. I fought for an entire year for him to get rid of her. He said he did not enjoy the horse competitions w/ out her, she is a vital part of the horses. Well I fought him right out of the house, he left me a month ago, he said I wore him down and beat him so much over this woman and he is just friends w/ her. He said his feelings for me have swiched off like a light switch and he does not love me after 13 years. How do you stop loving someone like that? He is still best friends w/ her. I used to be his best friend. He isin't so mean to me now. When he picks up our daughter, he looks at me and talks w/ me. He tells other people he does not want me to know his business. How ever he will question me. He says he wants a 6 month separtation, to wait for his feelings to return. He says his heart is telling him it is time to move on w/ his life. He says he is happier as he does not feel guilty anymore. This morning he asked me for money to buy HIM a horse!

Please advise me as to what I should do. I love him and would do anything. Was I wrong? should I have condoned this friendship? What can I do to get him back?

Julie

julie,

I'm glad to see you moved over here and I'm going to give your post a little bump to the top. To get the best help, here are some posting tips to get you as much traffic as possible:

*don't let your post drop off the page...post on it yourself to get it back to the top if you need to.

*change your title....ask for help from specific vets AND OTHERS. A few names I'd recommend for your sitch would be Orchid, K, JL, ML, Pepperband, Wat, mimi.

*Put some paragraphs in your post....it makes it easier to read.

*Put your abbreviated history in your tagline.

Welcome to MB.

jpaine,

Don't give him money to buy something for himself. You didn't agree with him moving out so you shouldn't support it.

My guess is that there has been more than just 'friends' with the OW. Moving out just gave him more freedom to 'be friends' with her. I could be wrong but the signs are there.

He doesn't know now what he wants, he's in the fog. But once it clears up and he looks deep inside himself, he will relize that you were his best friend all along so try and hang in there.

When my wife moved out, she wanted money too for support, I didn't support her moving out or how she treated me so I didn't give her any. I gave her some money to support our daughter and when she was with me I made sure she was taken care of but WW didn't get a dime.

They crush you and then still have the nerve to ask for money. Besides, how would you feel if you bought him a horse and he went riding with OW. That would be as if I had bought my wife a car so she could go see OM.

I don't support what I don't support.

Keep showing him you still care for him, invite him over for dinner, dressup so he finds you extra attractive, if you can wear perfume that you had from a most memorable moment that you two shared such as first date, the smell will trigger good memories he had with you and he will think about what he is giving up.

Hope this helps.

I'm sorry that you're here friend. I don't have a lot of advice on how to deal with an affair when you're seperated from your WS (wayward spouse).

I agree with not doing anything to support his 'habit' that allows him to be with her.

Read up on Plan A and plan B here. Get as much information as you can on how affairs work by reading "Surviving an Affair", "His Needs, Her Needs". The more you understand hwo these things work, the better you'll understand how to fight them.

There IS hope...don't give up.

Very typical affair behavior.

You were not wrong to disprove of this "friendship."

Is your daughter his daughter?

Is the other woman married?

What is your understanding of what others involved with this "barn" know of the affair?

Are there any legal arrangements made in conjunction with his separation?

Fundamentally, "trial separations" are horse chit. (Metaphor intended.) If you want to save your marriage, invite him back home and stop badgering him. You'll accomplish this by reading up on Plan A and understanding why he went outside the marriage to get his needs met.

The barn woman is not the problem. The affair with her is a symptom of the problems in your marriage. The problems are very likely fixable, but no fixes can be accomplished as long as the affair continues. Hence, get him home.

Please read the links in my sig line below.

Thank you for the responses.

Yes my daughter is our daughter.

The OW is not married she has a boyfriend who comes here on wkends. All the people at the barn are in this "click". My husband did not want me to be a part of it, by the time he did, I knew about EA and could not be a part of it. Just the thought of them sharing this "friendship" killed me. I thought she should be extracted 100% from our family. He did not, he saw no reason why they could not be friends. He told me today part of the reason he does not come back to me is that I put in the effort then revert back to my old ways. I think I know the things he is talking about and I am changing. I don't know more of what I can do. It seems I am making all the changes and sacrifices and he does nothing.

Julie

Hi Julie,





i feel for you, welcome to Plan A. It is very hard, and your quote is exactly why. If I had a penny for everyone who said the exact same thing on this site, I would be a rich man. It takes a lot of discipline and it is hard making changes to yourself without wanting to love bust and get something back.

Review the "giver and the taker" on the main site! Plan A has a lot to do with suppressing your taker! Read some posts from LovingAnyway, really helpful stuff on owning your reactions to the frustration.

I relate here really well, my W is having an EA that has had sexual overtones, and now seems to have regressed to a friendship that is VERY destructive to our marriage. Still, I maintain, that it doesn't matter so much HOW the relationship is defined, what matters is its effect on the marriage.

To me, that's what defines an affair, the effect on the marriage. It really doesn't matter if they are sexual, romantic, or buddies. EA's are tough nuts to crack, b/c it is hard for the offenders to understand the damage.

What are the things that you feel you need to change? You don't need to list them here if you don't feel comfortable, but list them for yourself. Are they things that will change YOU for the better, or are they things that will make him happy...there is a dilemma here, you must decide if you want this marriage, and make it paramount!

To save this marriage and to make it a happy place for you, you need to commit to

1)making changes that make you happier and contribute to the success of the marriage

2)make changes that will help fulfill H's emotional needs

3)be absolutely consistent with these changes, and give it TIME. He will ONLY be convinced that you've made progress with consistent action over time...


It is hard, and it CAN be done...allow yourself to have lousy days, try to take care of yourself, get involved in some other things, and keep your boundaries intact. Plan A is NOT Plan Doormat (I heard this quoted here!) and only you know how you feel. If this relationship is making you feel uneasy, then accept your feelings, trying to restrain them or change them is being dishonest with yourself...be honest with yourself so that you can give this to others, be honest with youself so that you can be consistent. If you can't support their friendship, DON'T! This is your boundary, don't LB, just opt out. I tried to "visit" with WW and OM initially, trying to be the "bigger" person, and they were "impressed" with me at first, but then remarked on how I wasn't being myself, or being "real". Be careful, you don't need to subject yourself to this, you don't need to be ganged up on.

So be "real", you don't need to condone this friendship, being real and honest with yourself includes admitting that this relationship is causing pain for you. It is painful enough knowing that this is going on, only you and your H can judge if it damaging to your marriage. you can communicate this pain to your H without LB'ing with practice.

Check out the policy of joint agreement. If BOTH of you can't enthusiastically agree that this friendship is good, then some compromise must be made in favor of the MARRIAGE!! Of course, you won't be able to convince him right now...just know this for yourself!

The MARRIAGE is the most important thing here, W and H are participants, and if the participants are doing things that undermine the marriage, the marriage will NOT be a happy one. You vowed to love and cherish each other, you have placed your feelings, dreams, shortcomings, ambitions, security in his hands, and his in yours. If you feel disrespected by H, then that's how you feel...it doesn't matter if you are or aren't...the breakdown comes when H isn't acknowledging these feelings...

And that is emotional infidelity! Someone else gets their feelings acknowledged over yours!

Don't buy into it. Make sure you acknowledge your own feelings, OK? How does this make you feel? Be honest and accept your feelings, they are real.

She has a boyfriend...hmmm... this is tough, I can see it is hard for your H to equate this with infidelity at ALL.

Anyone have suggestions?

He will not answer the phone when I call most of the time. His prefered way of communication seems to be text messageing. I put all of my being into trying to meet his EN's. It is difficult, as I feel a direct punch to the face would be easier. He spent the entire wkend w/ his EA and friends. While he was driving he was texting w/ me.

I read a post on here about getting him into bed. So I propositioned him for the best night of his life w/ the hitch being he had to leave his clothes at the door. His reply was, he would like to, but w/ no expectations and that would be impossible.

He seems to care what I am doing as far as going out and things. Why??

I don't know what to do... maybe I should move forward to plan b.

I am not sure how much more my heart can take.

I'll take all the advice I can get.

Fondly,

JUlie

Maybe I should pursue the sex thing? He has always had a high sexual drive. I could spruce my looks up a bit... tanning etc. Tell him, I just want one last night w/ him to have a fond memory. What worse thing could possible happen??? Not much more damage can be done to my heart, he has pretty much squashed it stomped it to death.

What do you guys think???

Julie

one more thing... I am sorry that I keep going on...

Why does he care what i do w/ my time? He continues to ask me if I am going out and things like this. Should I just ask him?

Julie

How long has this been going on?

He has had this very inappropriate friendship for over a year now. He left me feb 1. He said his love for me turned off like a switch. It happened when he found out that I warned another mother to becareful around his EA'S son. (her 16yr son molested a 5yr girl. authorities were involved) My husband said "they will never accept you now." (meaning his new friends and EA) I asked him if my doing that hindered his acceptance by them. He did not answer.

I have decided to try a new approach. I am trying to get him to have sex w/ me. I am going to tell him it is part of reaching acceptance for me. I am going ask him for one night of bliss w/ him, as i feel it would be the last time and I want our last time to be a beautiful memory... \

What do you guys think? Anyother approaches I should take?

Julie

last night out daughter wanted to do something w/ the both of us. We went to dinner and a movie, the only time it was uncomfortable was when he had to phone his EA in front of me, then walk away to talk w/ her. Over the wkend he texted me to say he had gotten apple fritters for me... I propositioned him for the best night of his life, he said we can't as it would be impossible w/out expectations... then he said "but I got you apple fritters."

For those of you whom have been through this - when is the time right to implement plan B?

Thank you for anything you could offer in advance

Julie

My husband has agreed to "having the best night of his life w/ me". I propositioned him w/ by telling him that this could very well be the last time we make love. That I wanted a night w/ the best of our lovemaking to have a lifelong memory as it could be the last time we make love. Ofcourse my goal is to somehow make this night magic, so that he wants to work on our marriage.

We have always had a ordinary sex life, good but ordinary.

I would greatly appreciate any and all opinions on preparing and seeing this night through.

What would the best night of any man's life be???

Please help me on this one.

Thank you in advance,

Julie <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />

If you go through with this, make sure you protect yourself from diseases. You have no idea what he may have caught.

Second, look at your special night as part of the process, not the one thing that will bring him home, because it won't. Nothing you can do will bring him home. He has to bring himself home.

Plan B will be your best friend, and your best chance of allowing him the time for the affair to run its course and end.

How long has your Plan A been so far? If you have done a good Plan A for several months already, you may want to consider getting your Plan B letter ready now, and giving it to him right after your night of magic.

This is very important, so I'll say it one more time. Your night with him, although it could be good in the long run, WILL NOT make him decide to come home. It will take longer than that, but you have a very good chance by being here.

As far as the night itself goes, I would recommend starting with scented massage oils, and massaging anywhere and everywhere but....there. Do this wearing something layered and sheer, and slip a layer off every now and again.

The rest of it, maybe look up some interesting positions, but just be very aggressive and demanding. Show him that you desire him.

He will not fall into your arms and say he is coming home (and if he does you should be very cautious, as it probably will not last), but what you WILL do is make him very uncomfortable in his affair, and stir up a whole lot of questions as to whether he is doing the right thing. That is a good start.

Yes, DO protect yourself. It is VERY likely this is a PA...I can't imagine a man with a high sex drive has completely given up sex...and you said this woman is promiscuous...they have probably been intimate for awhile.

I would suggest you have yourself tested for STD's.

Part of Plan A is to negotiate an end to the A. Have you exposed to her BF? Have you told your family...his? Anyone else?

Why is he concerned about you going out? Because he wants you BOTH!! When he feels you are pulling away he will try to pull you back...he wants his cake and eat it too.

When is it time for Plan B? Stay in Plan A, trying to fulfill his most important EN's, expose, negotiate an end to the A. And when you are feeling your love for him fading away, and while you still have love LEFT, then move to Plan B.

Plan B is not a mnipulation to get them back, but a defensive move...to protect YOURSELF from anymore hurt...not to be done as a punishment or for revenge...but to hold on tightly to the love you have left and protect it for the eventual end to the A...

You can help end the A by exposing...and showing him the best j you can...

J,

I agree with neak, it ISN'T time for Plan B until you know that you have carried out a good Plan A.

Plan B is an opportunity to remove those needs that you have been providing for your H. Plan A is needed to meet needs as best you can so that when you move to Plan B...Plan A will make Plan B harder for him.

Hmmm...I'm a man, little embarassed to get too detailed for sex suggestions, each to his own, y'know? So...

I agree with neak, though. Aggressive...yes...but be careful not to be too out of character, he needs to believe that it is REAL, if he suspects an act it might not be too effective.

I would start real slow, tease him like crazy. Don't let him get the big O 'til the VERY end, no quick fixes. Variety...as things get hotter, slowly bring up the passion, make it more and more passionate, then when things have heated up enough, you can become borderline aggressive, and it won't seem contrived. Talk to him during SF, same thing, stay innocent and aloof at first...as things heat up, talk more, louder, as passion winds up, the speech would get uncontrolled. Don't say things that are out of character, though, needs to be real, if you didn't talk dirty b4, it will seem fake now, but don't be afraid to mix in some anger tone with passionate statements. Tell him what you want AS it's happening, politely, but firmly demand, lovingly. I think "aggressive" is only part of the picture, you need to make him think that it is b/c you CAN'T help it! You are losing control, and you're behavior is simply OUT of your hands, get it? (Even better if this REALLY is the case, better for you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

See, us guys REALLY like SF! (yeah, no secret here...) BUT, BUT the huge part is that we want to know that our partner is enjoying...not the same if we think that they are not into it and just tolerating 'til we are done...NOTHING WORSE!!!

TOTALLY different experience when we think that we are part of mutual satisfaction. Some guys might say otherwise, but get our stupid brains INVOLVED! The combo of teasing and thinking that we are doing a good job...helps us let go and become VERY vulnerable...we are very inhibited when worried if our partner is enjoying or not; if this worry is gone, LOOK OUT! We are pretty much capable of anything at this stage...

If he thinks that he is rocking your world, YOU will blow his mind!!

When he gets to the big O, help him finish creatively, this is where you could try something different than usual. Make it unique, then it will be memorable...he won't mind the departure if it is different, trust me. Now I know what you might be thinking I'm thinking, but I'm not implying anything...you still need this to be real, only do what you're comfortable with, BUT I assure you, you spice it up...

After, really focus on connecting, spend as much time with him after as you can, (that is, don't let him roll over and sleep, haha) KEEP the environment sexual, touching or whatever, talk about whatever is comfortable, REALLY important to tickle his mind after, he'll likely be receptive...try to let enough time pass so he can get ready for round two!!

Geez, I hope this isn't too racy to write this stuff...just my perspective...YOU ASKED!!!! hahaha

Now in the days that follow, NO clinging! DON'T jump right back into bed with him, make him wonder if he'll ever get to...if your did the above correctly, he's WILL AT LEAST think,"Hmmm, I wouldn't mind doing THAT again." Make him unsure for a while. If he shows euthusiastic interest, don't make him wait forever, he'll get resentful, BUT you must show him that it will happen ONLY when you are into it, don't be too available...or he'll start cake-eating like CRAZY! If he has to pursue you a bit for SF, you'll draw him right in...and when pursuing, he'll likely have to show affection, and this'll add to your love bank.

Again, I think the warnings that this might not fix everything is valid. Prepare for the worst, if this does not have the desired effect, don't take it personally, be very careful with your feelings, this could devastate. Plan A IS about meeting needs, and SF is THE need for most men...good luck!


CJ

I know you are right. I have been doing plan A for quite sometime now, and all it seems to do is grant him more comfort w/ her, and more comfort in being disrespectful to me. You are right w/ proceeding w/ plan B right after our night. I still want the night to be something that will stick w/ him while he is mulling all this over.

Thanks so much

by god CJ I almost had to smoke after reading that! Great Advice though, really great!

Fondly,

Julie