Hello

Im new here and I hope someone can help me because my husband is always saying Im cheating on him when Im not!! last night we had a huge fight because he said if I dont quite my job that hes going to tell everyone that Im cheating whith this guy from my office! Im not even close friends with this guy and his wife just had a baby boy for christsake. please help me hes ruining my life and I dont know how to get him to believe me that Im not cheating on him.

thanks

What kind of things are you doing to reassure him of your trustworthiness?

Have you done something in the past to cause him to mistrust you? What reasons does he give for thinking you are having an affair?

In addition to answering Mel's questions, I suggest you send him here so we can help both of you get through this.

We know ALL the signs of cheating and if he describes his suspicions we can tell within a few seconds if his indicators are spot on or not.

You see, people involved in infidelity behave in remarkedly similar ways. It's almost like it's a pathological disease. If you were cheating, we could tell just by what you've said to him in your own defense. Assuming you haven't said these things, we could vouch for you - without even meeting you.

So, the VERY BEST WAY for you to end this right now is for him to comminicate with us here. We can spot infidelity from the other side of the planet. Guaranteed. We can clear you in a heart beat.

Suggest that the other guy + his wife & baby and your husband and you get together and get this cleared.

Because if he is threating you to go to your work and spread this............and if it's NOT true, it still involves them!
See how he then reacts. Make him aware that your life is a "Open book" and that you are indeed trustworthy.

bb

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nc,

Welcome to MB. If you have already opened your life to him for scrutiny....phone records, passwords, credit bills, email, schedules, etc. then he just may be one of those jealous types who is so insecure that he is not "convinceable". Is he controlling in other ways? Taken to extremes....jealousy can border on abuse.

What are his reasons for being suspicious? Why does HE think this is an affair?

You've received some great advice already, I'd just add one more tidbit. You might be shocked to find out how many men cheat on their wives while the wives are pregnant. The man your husband suspects you of cheating with having a newborn with his wife isn't a convincing argument.

Is there any **other** reason your husband has for wanting you to quit this job? Is it JUST the guy he suspects you of cheating with or is there something else?

Transparency. Living your life like an open book is never a negative thing. Folks here are constantly told that the only people who hide things are those who have something to hide. So if you do NOT have something to hide, reveal to your husband SO much information about your life at the office and every free waking minute of your day that he cannot conceive of suspicions any longer.

I'm sorry to bring this up, but sometimes a person who is cheating will accuse an innocent spouse in an effort to deflect blame -- not to mention silence a guilty conscience.

In other words - is it possible that your husband is the one who is cheating, but he's accusing you in order to throw you off the scent?
Mulan

I agree with Mulan..my FWS was having an A and all throughout, he would ask me if I was attracted to anyone, if I was seeing anyone, etc. He would say, just tell me if you are and I won't be mad as long as you are honest with me...

I was pregnant at the time and literally, would only go from home to daycare to work and back..but on the few occasions when he could not reach me if we stopped at the store, etc., he would ask those questions...Now I see it was all to deflect the blame from him as when I would ask him these questions due to my suspicions, he always denied it and turned it around that I didn't trust him...He was not at home alot, so was jealous that I had found someone to occupy my time...

TreadingLightly is right about the men cheating while their wives are pregnant. I've been there...my FWS started his PA only 2 weeks after we found out I was pregnant with a baby he desperately wanted...the OW knew he had 2 kids at home and one on the way and it didn't make a bit of difference to her.

S

I agree too with the above two posters. Look at my recent post. My BF was continually asking me if I had slept with anyone. He went away to New Zealand for 3 weeks and came back and asked if I had slept with anyone. He accused me of deliberately giving my phone number to someone who was making me a coat so this man would then ask me out - DUH!!!! I was having a coat made, he needed to contact me, I can't help it that he asked me out.....

Anyway, I digress, forgive me, just a bit angry. I'm not saying everyone's the same, but it is a consideration if you have done nothing in the past to generate this type of reaction.

Wishing you well from London

You've gotten a lot of great advice.

Be an open book...ask him to do the same. He's insecure about something. If he won't be an open book that might be your answer.

Thanks for all the answers to my question. Ill try to cover everything. Im sorry Im so slow in replying but Im at work.

I try to tell him Im not cheating. really I dont know when he thinks Im with these other men because we have a 2 yr old baby and a 4 yr old. I just went back to work about 6 months ago before that I was a stay at home mom. Every sence I went back to work hes been accusing me of seeing other men. My work is 2 blocks from where he works and we ride together everywhere because we only have 1 car. Also hes here for lunch every single day and then we go home and I watch the kids. were always together!!!!

How can I reassure him any more?! he takes my purse and looks thru it every single night and one time when I had given my maxi pads to a coworker who needed them he told me that I used them to cover up having sex with another man??? I found some web thing where you send in panties and have them tested??? Is this normal or is he crazy??

I have never cheated on him!!! I think this is because of the fact that I was his first time and he wasnt my first time or something but what can I do about that

I dont know if he will come here or not. Im afraid to tell him I posted because he yells at me all the time about everything.

Im not having and affair with this other man and the reason he says I am is because the office decided to gather up funds for this guys new baby. We thought it was fair since we do that if some girl gets pregnant and some guy said it wasnt fair so we all gave 2 bucks to get a card and a baby blanket for the new baby boy. When my husband came to the office to take me to lunch that day they were giving the guy the card and the blanket. So he saw the card that we all signed and I had put in there Best Wishes MaryS and everyone else just signed there name and so of course that is some secret sign that Im cheating with him. I didnt even buy the card I just gave 2 bucks!!!!

I think my husband is crazy about this.

I think he is very controlling because he always wants to be able to know where I am and who I am talking to and what I might say. he wont leave me alone ever and if I am ever by myself or go somewhere with my mom or something without him then I even caught him sniffing my panties from the laundry! how sick is that!!?

I dont know how I can be more open hes here all the time and I work or take care of the kids all the time. I dont think he has some cheating either because when would he have time for following me around all day.

Thank you all I have to get back to work now. sorry for the typos because Im trying to hurry up before my break is over

Ask him.

"Hon, I really want to make our marriage the best it can be. I found a terrific resource on the internet with a discussion forum of REAL people like us and REAL situations like ours. Won't you have a look? If you're still wondering about my faithfulness, these people can help us sort it all out."

WAT

Wow, you need to send him here to us. And he should see your posts, because he should be told he is ruining your love for him by mistreating you. He needs to be told the truth about your feelings, otherwise he won't wake up.

My FWW accused me of cheating. Turns out it was her that was keeping a secret from me. The guilt made her suspect me. Do you have any reason to believe he is cheating on you?

Seems like he also has low self-confidence. Have you read up on emotional needs - ENs? I would suspect he has a need for affirmation and affection. You could try to really meet those needs and see if his suspicions abate.

Good luck to you - and stick around here for plenty of good advice on how to build a stronger marriage.

Sorry, but I strongly disagree with this. Unless there is some real reason, or questionable contact with this poor guy, why drag him in to this.

And imagine what planting seeds of doubt is going to do to his wife.

This could be just a husband who is having some security issues or low self esteem because his wife returned to work.

Notcheating,

You might want to ask him what it will take for you to prove that you are not cheating. See what he says, and definately try to get him to come to MB.

You can also look up the signs that your spouse is cheating on line, print it and actually go thru the numbers with him.

Who

I just wanted to throw in my two cents. I was one of those men that accused my wife of cheating on me. If she went anywhere alone, she was with someone. Even school , I'd accuse her of meeting someone in class. After a few years of that, I realized their were underlying reasons and feelings for that. The largest fault, expectations. I expected my wife to be someone that she wasn't. I basically wanted her to be a zombie, dont talk to nobody, dont dance with nobody, dont touch nobody. For whatever reason , I forgot the reasons I fell in love for her, her personallity. Her converation, her flirtiness, her giggle. I lost her in the end because of my stupidity. We all know our marriage vows, "cherish, love, honor, and respect" remind him that this is still how you feel about him. You've shown that by seeking help from this site. Most women go to other men, which we all know leads to exactly why most of us are here.

WhoMe is right...don't drag in the other couple for no reason...Your H will probably not believe the other H's denials that there is nothing going on anyway, from the sound of it.

I would also suggest going over the EN questionnaires in addition to the signs of cheating..

And as far as him having no time to cheat, he may be able to make time without your being aware of it...you will see when you read the signs.

good luck!

Thanks again for answering me Ill try to say what I can because I wont be able to get here from home.

I dont know if I should show him this place because I know hes just going to be really mad and that I said bad things about him. I dont mean to talk bad about him but he is driving me crazy!!!! I dont know what else to do about him.

As for how I can convince him Im not cheating all hes going to say is quite your job! I think this is because he doesnt want me to work but the reason I got a job was because we live out in the sticks and I was out there all day with no car and two young babies and I was so needing to have someone else to talk to. I love my husband but I want to be able to talk to someone else sometimes because he often will tell me to shut up and stop talking all the time about the babies. what did he think I would talk about from being home with nothing but babies all day long!! He wouldnt even let me use the phone if he called and it was busy he would yell and scream at me for being on the phone or using the computer.

I dont want to be out there all by myself with two young babies all day. dont get me wrong I love my kids but its hard to have a talk with a 4 yr old and a 2 yr old and there both all boy so they never sit still anyway. I thought this job would be good because it is so close and we can both use the same car.

I dont want him to reck this poor mans life because of this stupid card!! can you believe it?? this is there first baby and it should be a happy time.

archangel

Yes!! Yes!! this is exactly what is happening. everywhere I go he is telling me that Im with other men but what am I going to do date them in front of my mother??? how did you realize your wife wasnt cheating on you? I love my husband hes the father of my kids but I cant stand to be only by myself all the time and any time we would go out he would say i was smiling at other men or that they were all looking at me all the time.

how can I convince him Im only interested in him for a husband but that I still need someone else to talk to or to see other grown ups once in a while.

Maybe the problem is Pathological Jealousy ???

I've seen in described as Morbid Jealousy, Delusional Jealousy, Romantic Jealousy, and Othello Syndrome as well.

Here are a couple of articles for you:

http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=34554[/url]

http://apt.rcpsych.org/cgi/content/full/10/3/207

notcheating, the problem is NOT going to be solved until you tell him the full unvarnished truth. He needs to read everything you have told us here. If he is telling you to shut up and doesn't want to talk to you or listen to you, he is making you vulnerable to an affair. In short, he is doing things here that are very damaging to your marriage.


Who are you talking to at work?