Hello everyone.

Just thought I'd drop by after taking some time away from MB.

As for an update, it goes something like this. Filing for divorce did not wake my wife up as to wanting to stay in the marriage. I'd say it worked just the opposite. She's adamant that a divorce is what she needs to be happy. She blames my snooping as the reason why she can't live with me anymore and how I behaved when I discovered her talking to the OM in the parking lot at the school she works at. I think she says I behaved like a Neanderthal. I did tell him to stay away from my family and I grabbed him, but I didn't hit him and once I realized how upset I was and how I was acting I immediately turned around and got in my car and left.

I have told my wife that I still loved her and would love for us to try and make this work. She says she doesn't believe it is possible.

I do have an odd question. I recently came in contact with a parent in the school system. She's going through something similar as I am. We talked about exposure and how upset she was that this was going on in the school with children. She mentioned or I mentioned (I don't know which anymore) that I wished a parent had found out and had called the school. She said that she would be willing to call the school and talk to the principle and even my wife about how upset she was that this was going on in the school. I asked her to hold off while I think this over. I realize that this was my job (proper exposure), but I waited too long. Has there been too much time passed for a parent to call complaining (especially if the affair isn't really going on anymore)? Should I still call and talk to the principle? If there is any hope for reconciliation, I'm not sure if this kind of thing would hurt it or help it? What do you all think? This could actually bring my wife and the OM together again (if they are apart).

Also, my wife is going on a weekend ski trip supposedly with some other female teachers next weekend. I thought about having someone follow her and keep tabs, but I'm not sure what the point would be. Even if she's meeting the OM there, what good would it do for me to know that?

On a more positive note. I have begun to move forward. I started going to church on my own and have went out several nights for dinner and even caught a movie. Still, I'd love for my wife to commit back to our marriage, but I'm no longer just sitting around the house waiting for it to happen.

I thought I would bump this since I really was seeking some advice as to whether I should continue snooping/spying and about the parent calling the school.

I changed the title to reflect that I was looking for some advice before I went off and did something I would regret later.

I do believe that further aggressive exposure would further alienate her.

In my opinion, I think it's perfectly fine for both you and this other parent to call the school and complain about the behavior of these teachers. After all, it's still going on and is NOT something the kids should be exposed to.

As long as you are not doing it in an effort to affect your WW, go ahead.

I'm sorry things are not working out for you, but sometimes the realities of divorce have a way of sinking in some time later. Is your wife still living at home with you? If she is, then she has still suffered NO consequences for her behavior.

Threats mean nothing to any WS. Only the real daily pain of actually living on her own without her family might have any affect on her. You can rest assured that until SHE is feeling some real pain and some real consequences, SHE is not going to change a thing.
Mulan

If this behavior is occurring during school hours, there should be a complaint, but be aware that this type of exposure will probably alienate her even further. I would suggest moving on; it sounds as though you are trying to do that. Good luck in moving on

grovetuckyohio,
first of all how sure you are that there is no A.unless you confirmed it, once you know that there is an affair you have to kill it by exposing it. therefore it is very important to find out if there is an A. second thing dont even feel what WW is saying, i.e. finish the M. its all your fault that our M is going to finish. bla bla bla. you must concerntrate on kill the A. secondly work on "plan A".

I am not good to advise exactly what steps you needs to take, but I believe someone with more experties will come and advise you even batter.

All the best of luck, keep working on yourself, its good move. and make sure you are attempt to address WW's ENs, remember Plan A.

KFH

I dunno, I think that 2 teachers who are working around impressionable children have no business having an inappropriate relationship. These are people that our children look up to, possibly even model, and I believe they should be held to a higher standard.

The teachers in this particular instance should have at the very least been moved to different schools. I'm appalled that the school system swept it under the rug.

I don't know how another parent complaining about this behavior would alienate his WW further.......it wouldn't be HIM that was doing it.

I know MANY parents that would be extremely upset to learn of these activities.....don't you?

God Bless,

-Caren

I don't know of anyone who is perfect and does not make mistakes. Our school systems and, other places of employment for that matter, would be empty if we limited them to only those who don't make mistakes. Disclosure, unless inappropriate actions are going on during school hours, is wrong.

No, sfjaj, exposure is not wrong. It is a very effective tool in busting up affairs. It is a tried and true Marriage Builders principle that is very effective.

Any action is justified as long as it breaks up an A?

Of course not.

I will be honest: I am a XWW, and, if my H had disclosed to my employer and parties other than he and I, I would have seen that as merely vindictive and reconciliation would not have been possible.

I thought I'd chime in on this one, as I have direct experience with exposure of my STBXH and his OW who began their affair both working in a Catholic school (in the UK).

I exposed to the headteacher, the Chair of the Board of Governors, the Parent's Association, and finally to the body governing teacher standards in the Diocese.

Nothing was done. My STBX hates me because of it, and accuses me of trying to get him and OW sacked. He tried to take out a court injunction, preventing me from talking to anyone about the affair!

I only stopped exposure because I no longer want the marriage. It makes me sick to my stomach that parents send their children to this school expecting a certain moral standard, and this is going on without their knowledge. It makes me sicker that nothing was done by the powers who should have done something!

I feel that STBX and the OW are a living insult to the children of the school and their parents. Neither of them is religious (though OW is a baptised Catholic) but I think they should still have respect for other people's beliefs. It just goes to show how fogged affairees are - I really don't know how they can hold their heads up when they go into work each morning.

So - no advice, really, just my experience. Often those in charge prefer to sweep unpleasantness under the rug rather than do the right thing. In my case, I think I'd have had more luck if I could have talked to actual parents about this, rather than those in charge. Perhaps you could get this parent of yours to spread her knowledge around?

Alph.

That's ok. The WS is not expected to like anything that interferes with the affair. But they do get over it. Almost EVERY WS claims they will "not get over it," but they always do.

It's beyond that point. While the A is an ultimate betrayal, I understand that. I do NOT expect my H to volunteer our personal problems to parties who have NO business knowing them.

Two wrongs don't constitute a right

Well, I've got to say that from MY perspective, it depends entirely on the MOTIVE behind talking with other people about the A.

If your H had gone to your family/friends, etc... and asked their assistance in helping to save your marriage by doing their best to assist in helping YOU to realize that the affair was destroying your marriage, how would you have responded? If the message that was clearly communicated was that he was doing this out of LOVE...TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. If he clearly indicated that this was NOT an attempt at retaliation or revenge...but was done so to limit/end the opportunities for the affair to continue, and done to get others to help YOU see the damage you were doing with your affair?

Would that have changed your view on this, SFJAJ?

It's NOT bringing in people who aren't involved. They ARE involved if you're exposing to the right person. A boss SHOULD know if an affair is ongoing in his workplace...because an affair is damaging to the workplace environment, and could very possibly lead to damage to the business as a whole in a number of ways. Your friends are certainly involved...they're your support system. They ARE the ones who should be helping you work through tough times...and how can they do that PROPERLY if they don't know what's going on?

Does this help make the reasons behind 'exposure' more clear to you now friend?

So, based on your assertion, can we assume that you never discussed your husband with the OM?

You don't get to choose with whom your husband may discuss your betrayal.

It's his life, too.
Or in other words, "it's not all about you."

mouseling.

I'm not sure that the affair is going on anymore. That's part of my problem or was or whatever. I'm not sure that the "affair" didn't end after d-day. I know that contact at work didn't end and may still be going on, but I don't know if it qualifies as an affair anymore (my wife claims she doesn't even look at him anymore and that the incident in the parking lot was the first time they've talked all year (I'm pretty sure that's a lie). I think the incident with me confronting the OM in the parking lot may have freaked the OM out and made him concerned about his job (probably not). That might be why my wife is so angry (maybe he refuses talk to her anymore, but who knows???). I did contact the OM's live-in girlfriend, but she didn't seem to care. She said that it was just two adults talking to each other.

So is exposure worth it now (and should I still be snooping/spying), if I'm not sure they are even talking anymore? I wish there was a way for me to know for sure. I really would like to save this marriage! She has honestly started looking for another job for next year. Of course she still plans on getting a divorce too.

I'm way past plan a and b, obviously I'm into plan D. I try to be nice to my wife, but it's difficult living in the same home with her. We've both been advised not to leave the home. It's a very strained environment and relationship. I have this nagging feeling that I need to let go and move on, but it is very difficult to do. My IC believes that once we separate the healing will finally begin, but as long as we're living together it's like picking at a scab everyday I come home and spend the evening with her.

GTO

ok, let me ask this in a different way. Is it reasonable to expect that a parent would find out about an affair going on between two teachers after it might have ended?

Obviously I feel that the fact my wife and the OM kept working together and remained in contact made it almost impossible for our marriage to recover. So I'm reaching here.

I did speak to the Head of personel for the school district and she said there was nothing she could do to separate them. Of course if a parent complained or another teacher I think that might have made a difference.

GTO