Happy Friday afternoon all. Where the heck is everyone? It's a beautiful day here and I wish I were sitting across the road on the river with a fishing rod in hand.

I found out today that my medation will not be until May 24th. I was expecting it sooner, like in a couple of weeks but they couldn't get it scheduled that quick. I don't know if that's good or bad.

Had a good night last night. Uneventful. And H just stopped into work to see me and actually introduce me to one of his coworkers (male) ofcourse. I was very surprised. I have never met ANYONE that he works with and have always felt like he was ashamed of me and didn't want anyone to know who I was. I felt kind of weird as he was introducing me.

How is everyone? If youre even out there. I hope everyone had a good evening and is having a good day as well.

Tired: You quit posting early in the day yesterday and I think I started to have Tired withdraws. I always look forward to your words of encouragement throughout the day. Just thought I'd say that.

Hi Soon. I'm back from the Stones concert. It was awesome. I don't know how guys that age can move like they do. I did let my hair down a little, in fact I got knee-walking drunk, but I had a good time. I usually don't drink very much, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. I think I may have sent my STBXW a text message sometime during the night, but I have no idea what it said. I was sending one to a friend this morning and saw the STBX's number listed on recently sent. I had deleted all the sent messages so it's a mystery.

I appreciate the nice comments about my posting. I left yesterday to drive to Little Rock for the concert. Came home today. Soon, I don't know what to think about your H. I guess we should think of him as a foggy day, where the fogs lifts for a while then comes back again. I personally know of the horror of this. Resolution, one way or the other, is where the healing begins. May 24th, is a long way off, I hope you get some resolution before then. I'm very impressed with how strong you are through this. I was not nearly so strong. If he blows this, he will regret it for the rest of his life.

How is everyone else?

Hi there,
Soon, I wish I could predict the future for you. I still don't know how you hang in there like you do. You are one strong woman.

Tired, Glad you had a fun time! It's okay to have a few too many sometimes, I always regret it if I do, so I haven't done that in a long time. I wonder what your text msg said to STBX? I am sure it was interesting!

Took the kids to the park today. The weather is gorgeous - 76 degrees, but very very windy. Picked up my a/d's-can't wait for them to kick in.

I'm doing ok. H is taking DS tomorrow afternoon for an overnight at his brother's. It feels like the days are just dragging by lately. I wish my H would just clear his freakin' head already, I am getting so tired of it all. I'd rather know one way or the other, but I am going to allow this some time & see what happens-I don't want to rush it.

I am even thinking of working the Plan A, but don't know if I have the strength to do it.

I am going on with my life and focusing on me and the kids. The ball is in his court - it's all up to him - I am going to sit back and be still and try to make myself happy. I am trying to come up with a deadline in my head, not sure if I can make it 6 weeks but that should be more than enough time I think. I don't know what to do. I still feel so lost. Time is moving sooooo slowly...

LOL...you got drunk. Hangover? It's also funny that you don't even remember texting your STBX. It's untelling what you said to her. Sounds like you thoroughly enjoyed the concert.

May 24th is a long way off. I was very surprised that they did that. But in the letter it said that they didn't have an openening with the mediator that they have chosen. I hate getting mail these days. I get sick to my stomach when I see those envelopes. I hate it.

I don't know where everybody is at today.

Hi Thankful! It's beautiful here too. I have no windows in my office but I keep going to the door and staring across the street at the river. It's so beautiful. This time of year makes me so sad when I think of all the things we used to do in the Spring and Summer. We always had so much fun. It would have been such a fun summer for us. I had so many things planned and couldn't wait for the weather to get warm so we could start doing them.

Now I will be doing them by myself. The only thing I had planned that I can't take the boys alone is going camping. I can't build a campfire worth anything. And I could imagine putting our tent up by myself. That would be a disaster. I get sad thinking about it.

I can totally relate. While I was in the backyard earlier, I was laying on the bench while DS played on the swings, etc...I got very sad just looking around our yard and all the work that was done last year, landscaping, the pool, the patio pavers...its sickening really. Last summer our neighbors always referred to our house as the "Shangri La" or "MTV Cribs" as a joke. Never in a million years would I have guessed that my husband would be in the process of possibly leaving me - I just don't want to be here anymore, it's so very depressing. I just don't get it. All the future plans we had...like we had our first annual summer bash here at the house last summer, over 100 people/kids were here and my husband told everyone...same time next summer and every summer thereafter! What the he!! happened???? I just don't understand. Why, why, why???????

Can you tell I am not having too good of day? So sad.

I can tell you are having a bad day Thankful and I'm so sorry. I was hoping that you were still having the "at peace" feeling that you had yesterday. Start taking those AD's. I do believe that mine are working now. I just feel better. The only time I've had an anxiety attack today was when I received the dreaded lawyer mail. It usually happens atleast 5-6 times a day. I'm still sad, but the sadness doesn't completely overwhelm now. The dr told me to double my dose after the third day and I did that. He told me I could triple it if I felt I needed to next week, I'm not sure about that. I may try it and see.

Hi Thankful. When I was going thru the last stages with my W before divorce, I tried really hard to plan A. It's tough. I think that I ended up hanging on more that plan A'ing and it didn't help. She did notice though. Looking back, I wish I would have told her "If you can improve your life by leaving me for OM, then by all means do so" and went about my business like nothing happened. I wasn't strong or smart enough to do that.

Soon, I hate getting mail too. Seems like all I get is fashion catalogs addressed to my STBX. I used to love getting those. I would always look at all of them and mark things I thought would look good on her, dog ear the pages, and try to get her to order them. Especially the cute summer stuff. We always did a lot in the summer also. A big vacation with our boys, trips for just her and I. I am going to miss that so much. We ALWAYS had fun together. Do you think she will miss that? Probably not, just go with a new guy. You can learn how to build a fire, pitch a tent, or whatever you want to do. With the strength that you've shown through this ordeal, there is nothing that you can't do.

Something really bothered me that he said the other day while we were talking. I told him that DS doesn't like seeing his mom crying all the time and he said "why are you crying all the time?" I said "What?? Are you kidding me?" He said "what do you have to cry about...at least YOU have the kids"

This man does not give a crap about me does he? What should I do? I don't know if I am cut out for Plan A. I don't think I can be that nice when someone is so undeserving of it. I don't think I can pretend I care, when I don't. I wish he would just frickin end this all if that is what he wants.

Well I guess I could learn. All I'd need is some wood, matches....and some gasoline.

Yes, she is going to miss it. How could she not miss it if you say that you always had fun. There's no way she could have been faking all that fun for so long. And no one has a light switch (although I wish we did) where you can just flip your feelings on and off like that. She's going to miss it, Thankful's H will miss it. My H will miss it. And I hope they miss it like crazy.

Me too! I'm going to sign off now, about time to go get my son. I hope everyone has a good weekend. Remember to believe in yourselves, because we are good people going through some horrible times, and we are all really trying to do the right thing and keep our M's and families together. We can't control other people, but we can control ourselves. I will pray for all of us.

It's to me that he thinks everything is all about him. Which is typical of WS. It amazes me that he would ask you in the first place WHY? When I tell my H i'm sad, or I have had a bad day...he knows why. Any idiot would know why. But he still says "why?". Sometimes I thinks he LIKES to hear me say why I am so upset, or else why would he ask "WHY?".

Thankful, you do care. I just think that you have gotten to the same point as I. You're just tired. Tired of fighting for something that you KNOW CAN be there, but it just isn't. Exhausted and tired of running in circles. Your love bank is completely empty. And you feel like you don't care, but you really do...your just tired of caring and doing all the work yourself. Plus, being madder than a mashed cat adds to all the emotions.

Bye Tired. Have a good weekend. Catch up with you on Mon

I don't even know what point I am at. Some days are good, some are bad. Today is a bad day. I hope tomorrow is better. I can't wait to have a glass of wine tonight and for the kids to be in bed.

I just want to run away and be by myself. I want something to change, for better or for worse. I can't take it being the way it is. It's so unfair. I wish God would do something.

Hope you all have a good evening. I will keep you in my prayers. ((HUGS))

For what it's worth Thankful, God will do something. He will get to the point where he will actually say "enough is enough". And I believe that is what he has said to me. I kept praying for signs to let me know that D is the right thing. I have been ignoring his signs. But I'm not now.

Have a good weekend and well talk Monday.

Guys. This is just a reminder. Something weird has just happened to me (go figure, weird is the story of my life) and since everyone is gone...remind to tell yall Monday. I don't know why...but I guess I just need to tell somebody.

Hi Soon....I'm here - tell me! It's Saturday night and I ain't got nobody....la la la.

H flew to Las vegas to visit with his daughter and son in law. My step son (former) had a baby with his wife yesterday.

These relationships were and are still very important to me. It's hard not to feel left out. H has repeatedly said that he wants me to keep up the relationship with the grandchildren..that he thought I was a wonderful addition to their life.

I guess we'll just have to see how it goes. I'm going to try and make contact weekly to keep up the relationship. Somehow I'm pretty sure it will eventually fade away.

Friday PM I went to the house we sold and was giving some stuff to one of my former students. H was there and had the day off - and sure enough he was pretty drunk when I arrived. All of the feelings of resentment and lonliness came rushing back. Also the desire to protect him, and take care of him was strong. He seems weak and vulnerable when he's been drinking. It's odd because I get so angry, but I feel sorry for him and I confuse all of it was my love for him.. yuk.

So - I'm dying to hear what happened. I'll check back in a while. Hope your night is ok.

Cis