When we had our joint counseling session, I told my H that I no longer feel like we are married...that our marriage lasted only 16 years and that we've just been shacked up for the past 13.<P>OK. Saturday night, we were at a cookout when the hostess asked me how long we had been married. I could not bring myself to say, "29 years," so I said that we got married in June of 1970. H heard me and asked, "Can't you say we've been married for 29 years?" I said, "We got married 29 years ago." He asked, again, "Can't you say we've been married for 29 years?" I didn't answer, but I thought he was gonna act really ugly. Anyway, he stopped asking, and everything was pretty well OK afterwards. <P>Monday, he got a prescription for Viagra because he has sometimes had a few problems with sex, and he heard that Viagra intensified orgasm. So..we tried it, and he liked it. Anyway, I just kiddingly asked him, "Where'd you stash your Viagra?" He asked, "Why? You think I'm going to use it somewhere else?" I got quiet, and then I decided to be honest about my feelings. I said, "Well, I don't want to have to worry about it." He snorted and said, "You ought to know better than that!" (?????????? HOW am I supposed to know better????!!!!)<BR>Anyway, I said nothing. He came back into the bathroom a few minutes later and said, "I consider that to be an insult. I'm not going to stand for being accused... I'll take care of that problem right now." (Gotta give him credit--he wasn't shouting and cussing like usual.) Anyway, he had 2-1/2 pills left and he threw them in the toilet. <BR>When he was finished, I simply said, very quietly, "It's going to take a while before I can regain my trust in you." and went to get dressed. He left without kissing me, but when I met him at the restaurant (not OW's) for breakfast, he told me that I was looking good. <P>Now, I am still just amazed at his....well, what else can I call it but audacity!!<BR>Does he really think that I'm supposed to "get over it" that quickly???? He made the remark during our first talk after his admission that I was "taking it all out of proportion." And, I have to say that I've come to the conclusion that my H apparently does not have the same view about sex as I do. It would seem that he thinks having sex with other people is no big deal, although he wouldn't admit it. The reason I think this is because of the way he and his friends talk about people screwing around. On the other hand, he doesn't have any respect for whores (Gee, doesn't he know that men who have casual sex with whoever is available are also whores?).<P>Anyway, I think that he was just letting some of his nasty old self back out. Ture, he didn't yell or call me names or even curse. However, his pattern is to "get the upper hand" if he thinks that I'm bringing up something he doesn't want to talk about.<P>I plan on talking to him about some of my feelings this weekend--even though he wants to sweep everything under the rug. I'm basically going to ask him to help me deal with my feelings by answering a couple of questions.<P>Another thing...his inconsistency in lying.<P>Last October, after we had "made up" after our initial confrontation over the Cafe Woman, we were lying in bed and H said, "You know, CW asked me about a year ago if you thought anything was going on between her and me." Now, that threw the red flag right back up again, but I didn't say anything after I asked him, "Now, why would she ask that? I wasn't thinking anything of the kind last year!"<P>At the counselor's office, he said he didn't tell me that. When I asked him if CW had ever asked him that, he said, "No." I didn't push it, but he most certainly DID make that comment. So, either he was lying then, or he is lying now. If nothing was going on between them, WHY THE LIE????

I think your solution is a good one. And do you see the progress here?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I got quiet, and then I decided to be honest about my feelings. I said, "Well, I don't want to have to worry about it."<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I decided to be honest about my feelings. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Keep being honest without lovebusters. It is working!!!!!!

Hey Sweetpea,<P>I am thinking of you. Let us know how things work out.<P>As for the lying and forgetting what they do and say, I know all about it. Usually it does not stop until the person accepts what they have done as hurtful and wrong in a marriage.<P>If you want to talk more, just post. <P>Hugz, Thoughtful (Deb)

Hi,<P>TNT--I'm working very hard to not do any lovebusters. It did, however, make me angry that my H indicated that I should just automatically trust him, but I didn't go off on him. We're now back to being very loving again--didn't need Viagra this morning! <P>Deb--Right now, I'm trying to create an environment where my H will feel safe in admitting any other infidelities. If I can show him that I am truly forgiving of him and not inclined to go ballistic, maybe he'll eventually understand that telling me the truth will only help our marriage. I'm more convinced than ever that something did go on with Cafe Woman last year. I need to figure out the best approach for that situation, but I think I just need to take my time and work on other areas of our relationship.<P>