NC is very hard and she cannot understand why she cannot 'explain' herself to OM.... She feels 'bad' for just ending it without an explanation....

Everything she reads says just do it.... but she says its too hard.....she needs guidance....I can see that...

MC told her same things last night, but still disagrees to let go without explanation.... sigh... I can't get thru to her....

Can some WS's please post up with how they dealt with NC?

I cannot give her the perspective she needs... she needs it from some who has been there....

I thank you in advance....

am I asking too much? she just wants to hear how others personally dealt with the withdrawal..ect....

If I m overstepping my boundaries for asking... please let me know....

lostonceagain...

I hear you...unfortunately, that is the nature of the beast for a fogged out WS...What completely doesn't compute for a WS is that the OP is of no significance...they do not yet see that what the OP thinks, feels, believes or infers does NOT make a hill of beans whatsoever...it will come eventually if she successfully chooses NC...many choose to learn the hard way...what they fail to see is how much further damage that they may cause to their BS with this line of thinking...Here is a link to my own "stinkin thinkin" in that department Mrs. Wondering's FOG/Mrs. Wondering Starts to Get It,the folks here were so helpful in helping me to see the light(My ridiculous assertation was on 07/19/2005, if you read through the thread, you'll see that a few days later stuff from here begins to sink in on 07/22/2005)...Perhaps you can have your wife post here-the 2 x 4's that I got helped me more than words can express, this place has been a Godsend for Mr. Wondering and I...

Best,

Mrs. Wondering

lostonceagain...

Let me know if that's not the type of stuff that you are looking for...I'll provide you with what I can...There are no easy answers or magic pills unfortunately...

Mrs. W

Hi loa~

I don't know anything about your situation, so first has she written him a NC letter?

My best advice to her is to view NC as moment to moment. If she can think of NC in small incriments, it's much easier than thinking of it in terms of trying to get through the next month, 6 months, year, etc because that can seem a daunting task. It's that day by day theory, only I'd break it down in smaller amounts of time if she has to, to get by and make it easier for now.

Then lo and behold, the longer she's gone NC, the easier it gets, because she's further and further removed from the A and the addiction of it.

The other thing that really helped me was to find a diversion, and QUICKLY whenever I thought of xom, (or worse, thought of contacting him). When I thought of him, I'd do things like phone or email my H if he wasn't home, (this works 2 fold, because it kept me accountable to H as well-- actually 3 fold, because it pleased H that I was sending a greeting out to him). Other things I did was to go for a walk, phone a friend, read a book, bake a cake, take my kids out to the mall and movie...whatever I could to divert my mind from him. So, she needs to keep herself busy.

Then once again, lo and behold before she knows it she will notice she is thinking of him less and less, and missing him less and less, and NC becomes easier. Plus she will have also brought herself back to the land of living, by doing all the things she may have once thought of mundane during her A. At least that's how it was for me. I was actually happy to be living a normal "boring" life, instead of my previous double life-- it was quite a relief for me. I'll never forget the joy and peace I had within one time driving back home from taking my children to our little downtown, to do some decorating for homecoming week. During my A, and even before, I had begun to hate my motherly chores, but after my A, I was so happy to be doing normal real life things-- to be living a REAL life again. I remember thinking, I feel like I can breathe again.

Ahhh, I'm sorry for rambling. I guess a lot of those feelings from the early days post-A came back to my mind when giving you some pointers.

Before I close though, the other thing I wanted to mention, and this is a BIGGIE-- do you guys do the recommended 15 hrs per week together as H & W? That was critical for us-- actually, after an A, it should probably be more than 15. It helped to turn our M around, at the same time keeping my mind off xom/withdrawal pains. It also gave me an up close and personal look at my H for the first time in a long time, and helped me to see that xom paled in comparison.

MrsW,

thanks for your response... It says alot, but I am trying to aid her in seeing that contact is NOT in the best interest... its only been a week since the decision to reconcile was made by HER ( NC on her part was voluntary) but Tuesday she broke the NC and started over again....

Im trying to help her see the backward motion of making contact....

I will fully read your post and clip things for her as I did see some great things... thanks....

AD,

THANK YOU!!! I will clip this for her to read as well...

Since we have been moving toward rebuilding, we have been talking 2-3 hours per day during the week and longer on the weekends ( even though only one weekend so far ,but she has said she is looking forward to this weekend)

I can say that we have been communicating better in the last 2 weeks than we have in 5-7 years... no joke...

I have learned to put on the FRIEND HAT when needed and just be there and have her open up to me.... it feels awkward at times, but its working for both of us to grow closer together..... back to where we should be in our marriage.

I know-PLEASE don't think that I was suggesting otherwise, I PROMISE that I would NEVER do that...I think if you read my post from 7/22 contained in that thread you will see that even then I saw that making contact was a HUGE mistake...I just wanted you to see that what you are going through is normal...No easy answers...Posting here did TONS for me regarding NC...took the place of OM contact in the beginning...kept me busy with subject matter that was much healthier...I was in good company here...Have you asked your wife about reading and posting here? There are a ton of we FWW's here that would be glad to help her...

Mrs. Wondering

You're welcom loa-- anytime! It's great you're spending a lot of time together. Be sure though, to just plain ol' have fun too, and make sure the talking isn't all about deep issues, you know?

In fact it might be wise to actually set aside a certain amount of time and even a certain day(s) of the week to discuss issues, (unless of course it's urgent), so that your time together is spent more in getting comfortable with each other again, enjoying each other again. Make your time as stress free, and carefree as possible Like I said-- FUN!! Nothing like laughter-- I know of a MC who always uses that saying-- the shortest distance between 2 people, including a H & W, is laughter, and that it's key to have laughter each day w/ your spouse.

You have a great attitude and it's so pleasing to see how much you want to work things out with your wife. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Autumn had some good ideas.

The main thing to do would be to keep busy, and keep away from triggers where she would have contacted him. For instance, if she called him on her way home from work everyday she should call you instead etc.

I wanted to thank you all for all the support....

Yesterday was a HUGE surprise for me.... thats why Im just now posting since yesterday... lol

She knows that NC is the way to go and takes it one step at a time... so with that in mind... she must have been a little off camber and asked me to take off work early ( she is a stay-home mom) I was a little surprised and made arrangments to leave early... well... I didn't realize she meant RIGHT NOW!!! She had called me from the cell asking
(we live 65 miles one way from my work) she was there in like 15-20 minutes!!!!

We spent all day together... ate lunch... shopping.... just little things TOGETHER that never seemed to mean much until NOW.....

We got home... cooked dinner TOGETHER for the family... then again.. went back out to the mall and just spent time over lemonade and Ms Fields cookies!!! WHAT A FRIDAY NIGHT!!!!

I noticed that both AD and CW mention triggers... good point.... I seem to be very concerned with trying to work past things when there is no issue at the present.... THIS CAN BE BAD... it can cause triggers ( I've noticed).

From here on out... she will only get info from me when asked, that way her mind won't think of NC when she doesnt have to... it seems to keep things on her mind... WE DONT WANT THAT!!!!

Again... thanks.... BTW... WE ARE GOING TO BREAKFAST AS A FAMILY TODAY!!! um... last time that was done..... 8-10 years ago... all 3 boys want to go too( well 4... the 21 month old has to go.. lol)

God bless and have a great day....

KEEP THE POSTS COMING!!!!

She does read MB... but I want here to be comfortable doing so ... Im not pushing her at all...

MrsW,

I finally had a chance to read the entire 6 pg post... WOW!!! the 2x4's were flying at times.... I think overall that is a good view of the 'lifting fog' though some were a little tough on you at times....

Depending on one's personality... the heavy hitters could scare her off if she was to post... I know... the truth must be said, but how its said can be important...

again... thanks...

update:

The weekend went GREAT!!! we spent all weekend together just the two of us and the lil guy... we had alot of fun and we really enjoyed our company....

Sunday was a lil hard for her... not sure why but when we got up and had our coffee... she stated," I have to keep busy today..." Not knowing why today of all days, but I did my bery best to keep the time occupied for the entire day.. filled with smiles and happiness and showering with love. She had no time to think of even calling OM... time was really short for anything other than what we were doing together.

I am still concerned about her wanting to 'end things' with contact and explanation. She is doing very well for the most part.. keeping busy, calling friends... but again stated that she is worried of falling short again( not like she did last time, this was a worried statement, not a oops I messed up statement).

I have sent her these clips in an email with hopes of here reading them when she feels the need to break the NC....

what else can I do? I really don't feel like going back to square one again...cuz I know recovery goes back and really bites....