Well WH and OW returned from offshore. He was out here hours later to check everything was OK.

Requested he come and see me so I could talk to him. Had a list of things I wanted to say as well as deliver my PBL letter. He was amicable with the first point and as soon as I mentioned the return of my garage door opener the expletives started. I then asked him to remove the remaining chattels that we had agreed upon, to which I received the second barrage of expletives.

Shortly after he was out the door telling me I had pushed him too far this time. He read my letter in his car and returned it to the front door.

He has always had generous access to his boys, having them two days most weeks when he is around. I have stipulated that they will be with me for 'Mothers Day' and I refuse them to be anywhere near OW on that date. He has now started sending me texts about my denying him access and that he will be buying them a mobile phone because of this. They are 7 and 9!

Has also stated that he signed the financial agreement while under stress, but I am very confident that he has not a leg to stand on legally. Am in the process of checking with my solicitor.

I presume this is all typical WH behaviour. I know the financials are starting to hurt and we are only one month in. Have stayed dark for one day and I must admit its not as hard as I thought, especially after the verbal abuse I recently received.

Sounds like you are doing a good job. The darker you stay, the better it is. You are allowed to talk to him about financial things, and the children, but nothing else.

Keep in mind that the WS usually tries to lure you in to talking about other things. Don't take the bait.

Plan B is very soothing once you get used to it. It is difficult at first, but so worth it.

Be sure to use this time to work on yourself, and do fun things.

Well Plan B has been in effect for nearly a week. He has texted me most days, either about the boys or to wish a happy mothers day. I have responded to nothing. Have answered the phone once and passed it to the boys. He has today been around to check stock and tried on at least three occasions to get me to answer the door. I stayed dark and he left in a trail of expletives. It may well have been to do with the boys, but obviously not an emergency, and if it was financial he could have emailed or texted me.

Am I playing this right as I know he will be very wound up by now. I have no idea what he wanted today but never gave him the benefit of the doubt - just stayed in an obscure part of the house. Is this the right way to do Plan B or should I have ascertained what he wanted?

Stay dark. There is always the temptation to see what they want, just in case they have changed. But usually they are just testing you.

I have remained as dark as possible, except for the children and financials. He has rung and texted when I have asked him not to, to which he has not had a reply as it is not to do with the kids or financials.

My latest dilema is when he came to pick up the boys this weekend he was spoiling for a fight. One of them was still in bed, so he got him up and told him to get ready ASAP. He then created an issue over their homework. While it was unnecessary it was just to get at me. Eventually left but I went outside when I heard him yelling. He was yelling at one of the boys that he was to do whatever he told him, not listen to his mother, and when he said to get his homework, it meant get his homework! The poor kid was sobbing and was torn whether to go or stay.

How can he do this to his own boys? That is the second meltdown he has had with the same son this weekend. I am intending to speak to him, and letting him know that I will not accept his actions being taken out on his children. Is this the right thing to do in Plan B?

I need some help with Plan B. WH is wanting to be in his boys lives any time it pleases him. He has them to stay two nights a week and sees them at sport once a week as well. I think this is very generous for a man who has left his famiily without once trying to put them first.

I have stated to him that they can ring him any time they like, but while they are in my care he needs to give us some privacy. He has bought them a mobile phone and if they don't respond to his texts, starts texting me or ringing to find out why they are not!

We still own land together and are currently in a partnership. Two months ago, one week after OW arrived in our country, he told me he wanted to wind up the partnership and sell the land in the near future. I agreed. Two months down the track he now wants to retain the land. When I asked why he said it gives him pleasure. Thought the OW was supposed to do that!!

Have today spoken to our accountant. He said if the partnership is wound up their will be huge tax implications for WH. He needs the partnership to continue to divert his income and keep his tax liabilities to a minimum.

Should I be wanting to keep the partnership going and reduce the tax implications for WH? I think I need to wind it up so the financial position becomes even harder for them. He is already struggling with the outgoings of two families, especially to the extent that he is trying to impress her with.

What do you think? Should I make it harder financially for him. I am sure when she is able to get residency he will form a partnership with her to reduce his taxation. I also don't understand why he wants to retain land in our joint names when I would have thought he would want to start a new life with her.

I know he is missing his boys alot more than he thought. While I am not stopping them from regular contact with him, I think he needs to understand that when you walk away from your family you can't contact them when it suits him so as to help relieve his guilt. I think every week access is more than generous? Any feedback would be appreciated.

What does the separation agreement say about visitation? Are you the custodial parent?

If it were me, I wouldn't enable his adultery in any way, shape, form or fashion. If the partnership is a drag on your situation, I would take steps to make it go away. Just my (confrontational) opinion...

The separation agreement states that we will do nothing to disturb each other and to live as unmarried. At the same time it lists myself as primary caregiver, with regular and generous contact to WH. My solicitor did say that 'regular and generous' was my interpretation as primary caregiver, and to me three times a week is exactly that.

Financially I think I am going to progress the property and partnership issues. They can always be reinstated if WH comes to his senses.

You're not in Plan B if you're speaking to WH, comics.

Third party intermediary. Set parenting schedule only. You are not to be called for any reason...changing your number or blocking his...your boys have the mobile...and a schedule...

Picking up and dropping off can be done third party as well. You're very smart...I know you can do this.

You both agreed to winding up the partnership...now he reneges on that agreement...follow through on it. Do not do so through him...third party. The lawyer...you have your choices...make them pure...if winding up the partnership will benefit your marriage, do it.

If not, don't.

Plan B is dark...no contact...even your voice saying "hullo" meets an EN, I promise. Don't do that.

You are the reality bringer...he is in fantasy...bring reality and consequences, not retaliation. You know your intent...respect yourself more...and do not have contact...

I thought there was going to be a stipulation that the children couldn't be around OW until divorced?

Doesn't sound like your separation agreement brings reality, does it? As if unmarried...when you aren't.

LA

P.S. Gosh, I'm glad you're back here!!! Hi!!

Thanks for the advice. I know I need to go darker, and you have reaffirmed that for me too. I did recently send an email asking he refrain from any contact, unless medical emergency. I did do a PBL but he read it and returned it to the front door. His response to my email was it only suited one person .... you!

I did recently confront him because he took out his frustrations on one of my sons and I will not accept that. He said he felt that he was losing his boys. Pity he didn't think of that prior to A!

The agreement is fairly lax, but I know financially he would not have given the settlement without access, which unfortunately includes OW. At the same time, the financial agreement is nearly unworkable and the level of spousal maintenance is huge. My solicitor could not believe he agreed to it. While OW may know some of the details when it hits on a day to day basis she will hopefully come out of lala land too.

I keep referring to Ark's post 'stay still' which is so relevant, but very hard when you are going through it. Meantime I am making changes for myself and spending quality time with my boys. His loss, my gain.

Not about what he does in Plan B...(returning it to the front door)...about boundary enforcement..all you. Your choices. Not his.

You go through your lawyer to confront him on taking his frustrations out on your son...legal action...child services...anything but you directly. You cannot control your WH...you are not the cause, control or cure for him...know this...you take actions, choosing from your personal code, not reacting to him...break that enmeshment, comics...

You are the reality bringer.

Can you rework the settlement?

Stay still isn't about Plan B...it is for Plan A...and yes, everyone here, I believe, knows how difficult it is being a BS...in either Plan...and we know we're asking a lot...because we're further along...have done the tough stuff...and no one can take those choices away from you...

They are yours.

Just wanted to make one point here..."Pity he didn't think of that prior to A!" This thought will bring you righteous comfort for two seconds and many days worth of resentment, anger and DJs. Your choice.

LA

Thanks will realign my thinking. He is away offshore working at the moment so life is relatively peaceful. He does not make Plan B easy when he is here. He endeavours to have some contact most days. But as you say, the boundaries need to be MINE, not his.

Have you read "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud & Townsend?

Really cool stuff, comics.

They have a whole series...includes kids, just you, etc. I've read the BIM, not the others yet...

Boundaries have to match your standards...

Standards are what you do not allow yourself to do to others OR to yourself...

Boundaries are what you do not allow others to do to you OR you to do to yourself...

without consequences...Standards have amends...and Boundaries have enforcements.

It's a beautiful way to live, comics.

Did you notice I am very glad to see you again...I think I'm in this militant mode today...my support seems to me to be harsh...then again, I recalled today the ruler across the knuckles by the nun who endeavored to teach me piano...I may be overlapping.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

LA

When you are living this, as you know, any support is welcome. I would rather have it laid on the line, hard as it may sound, if it will benefit me and hopefully, ultimately, my marriage.

Will look for the book you mentioned. Your comments are truly appreciated.

Its been a few months since I have posted. OW is now firmly entrenched in our country. We have unfortunately had a couple of confrontations, usually where she has come onto my turf. Anyway Plan B is starting to get darker. Didn't start off as dark as it should have been based on MB principles.

Appears WH has now talked his family round and although MIL stayed with us over Christmas, the pressure was on for me to conform and fit in with WH & OW. I have stood up for myself and think it is unlikely MIL will come to stay with us in the future, as I don't think I can put myself through it again.

However, WH has started to get relatively nasty regarding access. I have had solicitors letters informing me I have been 'unreasonable' and that I must give him access to the children on Xmas Day between 10-12 am. I have always offered for him to come to our home to see the boys open the presents, but he refused and wanted to take them to his place to open presents. Turns out 10-12 am was to allow him to take OW out for a fancy Xmas lunch! With his mother staying it did get rather tricky but I offered 12-2 pm which he still refused. Turned out we delibertately delayed our Xmas celebrations to ensure that he 10-12am was not an option.

I now have heard on the grapevine that he is wanting to overturn our LSA, which is very favourable for me. I think he is finding the expense of keeping two households harder than he thought and with the OW in his ear all the time, is venting all his anger on me.

OW is returning to the UK in April to sell her house, so they are obviously convinced they are in for the long haul.

I am coping very well, and find life relatively easy when I don't have WH giving me grief. He has recently rung me when the boys are arguing and blaming me for keeping them up too late at night. It just seems one thing after another. I have now gone as dark as I possibly can and hope that when they can't vent their anger at me, they will start to take it out on each other!

WH has been working hard over the last month. It is typically his busy time of year.

Things have been going along OK, and conversations really only pertain to the boys.

He dropped boys off to me last week for their first day of school and told me that access for the next five weeks would be different. I asked him to discuss this with me as joint caregivers, to which he replied 'No, I am telling you this is how its going to be'.

Asked him not to raise his voice in front on the children. Finally came outside, and I removed his keys from the car so we could just discuss it civilly, rather than him driving off in a rage.

He got angry and then went into the house, called the boys and started sobbing. Begged them to ask me to give him the keys. It was pathetic. Asked him to come outside so we could talk and come to an arrangement that would suit us both. Ignored me and just continued to sob and ask for his keys.

Finally got him outside, gave him the keys and told him that i hoped he was proud of himself. Both boys were very upset and crying. He then called me a witch and drove off.

Does it ever end? What is behind this behavious, especially when he is supposedly very happy. Angry about how much it is costing him, but happy to be with OW!