It has almost been 2 months since I found out about my husbands affair. The other woman called me in January because she felt it was right for me to know. I still don't know to this day if that is true or not. I still don't know if she had true intentions or she wanted to hurt our family.
It all started last June when my husband ran in to her at a local business. He had apparently dated her in high school (16 years ago) for a couple of months. They exchanged phone numbers and started talking. From what I have found out, he totally lied to her about me. He told her it was over between us, he slept on the couch, and basically that we were in a partnership. He brought home the paycheck and I watched the kids.
She sent me many emails between him and her out of a pool of what she says is about 800 emails. Some of it was dirty talk, what they had done or what they were going to do. Alot of it was her asking him if he was sure it was over between us. I also found out a week before I was planning a trip out of state in August of '05, they were making plans for her to come to my home so they could hook up (while the kids were sleeping in the other room).
He apparently broke it off around the end of October, telling he it wasn't right. We actually ran in to her and her kids at Costco. I had no idea. He went over to talk to her and I never suspected a thing. She was badgering him asking if he had told me. That I had a right to know.
He told her to leave us alone, and she did.
In January of this year, she saw us on the freeway and followed us to my mothers house in another city. When we got there I saw someone honking at us in the street. It was dark and I didn't pay attention. He then says after we went in the house he thinks it was for him. After, he told me it was the lady from the business he had ran into last year and she followed us because he hadn't come in to her business in awhile. He told me she was crazy. I thought the same thing and said you better call her tomorrow and tell her don't ever do something like that again. I still didn't suspect anything. Anyways, the next day she called me at home wanting to know if he told me. Of course he hadn't and it was a total shock.
I have gone through so many emotions, it is not even funny. We got really close for awhile but I am back to the angry stage. I told him earlier this week I don't know if I can go on. I don't know if I could ever forgive him for this. I really don't want him to touch me, and when he tries to hard to be nice and stuff, I resent him more. I think I have discovered myself that I am shutting him out because I don't trust him. I don't know if I can open my heart to him again.
Something I left out in the beginning is I have caught him 2 other times having phone relationships with women. Of course he swears he never met these woman. I believe this was just as much cheating on me and I have never forgiven him for those times either. I believe this is how we grew apart in the first place.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't even know if I just love him or I am in love with him. Sometimes I feel I am taking the easy way out by just staying in the relationship for the sake of our 3 children.
At least we are in separate counseling right now. We go to a couples class next week and then joint counseling.
My biggest problem now, just like others in the same boat, is thinking about the affair. I really want to know what she looks like. I know where she works and I have driven by a couple times. I don't know if it would do me more harm to know. Obviously, she knows what I look like, she has been in my home. I want to know where and how many times and he won't talk about it with me. He says there is no point. Doesn't he at least owe me answers? Just can't believe the man I have been married to for almost 10 years has done this to me and my family. Weren't we worth so much more?
Anyway, hope my story makes sense (at least the way I wrote it). There are so many other parts, but you would be here forever reading it.
Thanks for listening!

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances.

It is awful when you first find out, but things do get better. Don't let your husband try to sweep this all under the rug. You have a right to have your questions answered - and answered over and over again.

It really doesn't help to know what the other woman looks like. Either she will be pretty, and that will make you feel bad, or she will be ugly, and that tends to make you feel worse.

Your husband probably needs counseling to figure out why he has had several affairs - we count phone/computer contact as affairs too.

Stick around and read all of the information here, and know that you are not alone.

I am glad to hear you are in counseling. I hope that it is GOOD conseling. Your h does owe you the answers. But do not expect him to give them willingly or to be comfortable talking about it. There is something about the light of day that makes a WS squirm with the choices they have made. I think that is true for all of us. I've done some pretty stupid things myself in the past and would hate to have them put under a microscope.

Read, read, read! There is so much good information here. Read the articles. Read posts from other people. I see it like this. I read to understand what I'll need to know tomorrow. Read read read.

Post questions and concerns and ask for support and advice.

And take care of yourself. Eat well. Exercise. Take vitamins. Surround yourself with positive energy. You are going to need the energy and good health.

God's blessings to you.
hns