This is my second post. The first was about how hurt I was that my husband who I had loved so deeply could lie to me and cheat on me. Now I'm mad. Even when I found out that he had been cheating on me again after he swore that he was not having contact with the OW, I continued to be loving and supportive and beg him to go to counseling. I stuck to my guns and said he could not stay in the household with me if he continued the affair which I thought seemed reasonable. He left to stay with his guy friend but I found out a couple days later he went straight to her house. They were in constant contact all day. He said he didn't feel that we should tell everyone - that it was a private matter between him and myself. Well, after a week I thought what is wrong with me? He made his choice - he should be man enough to live with it. His Mother and brother knew and had tried to talk some sense into him. They were upset but were honoring my request to not tell the rest of his family. I called them and said tell the world. Now his 5 brothers and sisters have been giving him heck about coming home. I have had no contact believing to be in Plan B. He agreed to keep our finances as they are so that I could pay OUR bills. He said he would call me when he was taking money out. Well, that ended today when he withdrew some cash for the weekend. I have bills set up to pay and if he continues to do this, checks will bounce. I received a call from my step son today(27 yrs old) saying he was in the hospital with a kidney infection. He had a kidney transplant 2 yrs ago. He said he wasn't going to call his dad as he was still very angry about the situation. I tried calling my husband to tell him about our son and tell him we need to sit down and talk about finances and how to handle them. He won't take my call. He left me to handle all the finances while he is off playing house with his 28 yr old bimbo. He left our youngest son (my step son) who is 17 yrs old is here with me. He said he needed to be on his own so he could be more responsible. Does anyone see any responsibility on his part? I am sorry to be so long winded. I am just fed up. I'm not sure I even want to save my marriage now. Do I really want a life with someone who seems to care so little about me?

Thanks for listening. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Me - 48
Him - 48
OW - 28
4 C (all steps) 28, 27, 20, 17
Married 8 yrs, together 10 (my 1st, his 2nd)
He left 3/2/06
First found out 7/06 about OW

Hello, nkay. Well, you've definately come to the right place. There are many people here, who are experiencing the very same thing you are, right now.

The only advice I have at this point, would be to read up on all the info. here, and learn the concepts that are practiced on this site. It has helped many marriages.

The rest will be along soon, to advise you, and lend their support.

Hang in there, and just know that you are not alone! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Take Care...Jennifer

"He said he needed to be on his own so he could be more responsible."

Ha-ha, that's a good one. He needed to be on his own so that he could continue his affair undisturbed. I would see an attorney to secure my finances. I didn't, and my husband blew all of our money, his retirement money, EVERYTHING, on the OW.

I'm with you on that. I have a quit claim deed in my purse that I will get him to sign when he comes around. He said he didn't want the house and I am holding him to it. If we by some miracle reconcile down the road, I will work it out.

I still can't believe my marriage is falling apart but I guess everyone on this site has said the same thing.

Thanks for the feedback.

Thanks, Jennifer. I have read the different info and advice on the site and have taken it to heart. I dealt with his A without anger and tried to encourage him to work on our marriage. He seems very uninterested in anything other than the OW. He hasn't even spoken with our son. His whole family and his friends have told him he should go home to his wife but he won't budge. If he is willing to be alone on this, can there be any hope of rekindled love? It seems that the easy thing would be for him to come home and rebuild our life but he is staying put with the OW. What do I do next? I tell myself it has only been a week but it seems like a lifetime.

nkay...

Does your H seem interested in working things out at all, or is he wanting a divorce?

He has not spoken of divorce but says he doesn't think we can work it out. He says that he can't trust himself for it not to happen again with this OW or another OW. He claims this is the only time he has cheated and I believe him. I picked up on the A almost immediately even though he was good at hiding it. We were speaking daily for the first few days but as I continued to push for him to come home and work it out, he avoided contact with me and I stopped calling. However, today when I called him, he wouldn't even pick up. Looking at his cellphone records, it seems she calls him all day long, most likely reinforcing his decision to leave. She has proven to be very determined to get him to leave his home.

Well, maybe it's a good idea, right now, to Plan B him. Have you read up on the concepts, here on Marriagebuilders?
Plan B does not mean you are giving up on your marriage, it's just a way of showing him your self respect, and letting him actually SEE the other side with his own eyes, to find out that the grass is not greener on the other side.

NC is not an easy thing to do, but it is a tactic that will work, if you give it the chance.

How do you feel about a strict Plan B?

I have read up on the concepts and that was why I stopped calling him. I thought it would be a good idea to allow him to miss me. What I don't understand is how you have NC when you have a home together and bills and taxes to file that you haven't even started yet. Our lives have been so connected day to day for so long that I can't figure out how to work this out. I want to have NC and let this A run its course and fail as it is destined to do. One problem is his family's insistence that I go over and "claim my man". They are calling him daily while he is working (primarily his mother) and crying and yelling and demanding that he go home. I felt it necessary for the A to be exposed to all family members so that it can help bring the end of the A but his family is a bit dramatic. Is this harmful to a reconciliation?

No, I don't think your in-laws drama is harmful, as long as YOU are invisible.

I'd say, get your finances in order, with or without his involvement. If he refuses to cooperate with you, get a lawyer, and get this all layed out, for your own protection.

Then, get your Plan B letter ready, and SERVE him with it, and take it from there, with your NC.

These are things you would have to do, anyway, even if he filed for divorce. But this way, you are doing it AND maybe saving the marriage.

How are your emotions holding up, thru this?

Well......perhaps he's thinking the 28 year old can teach him about responsibility?????? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

My exWS, at age 47, got together with a 21 year old "girl". Of course..."she was mature for her age"...yeah right! Is that why she expected everyone else to take care of her?? Feed her...house her...cloth her...etc.

I do agree, however, that they are probably learning more about maturity nowadays. The OW ended up getting pregnant. They are now raising a 3 1/2 yr old son with Downs Syndrome. From what my stepdaughter tells me, however, the OW knows next to nothing about raising a child. She isn't particularly interested in learning. As my step-daughter told us when she was 12 years old "It's easier to let someone else do it!"

And a job for such a healthy young OW???? NO! It's easier to live off her son's social security disability checks. (Their son is very mildly impaired. He has none of the complicating physical conditions that can occur with Downs Syndrome).

Can you tell that I'm at an angry, bitter stage??!!

No doubt, I am! And I hope I get through it soon because I'm the one it's hurting the most! I hoping it's just one of those "stages" of grief/loss. (The "Anger" one)

I held on to a calm, forgiving, patient, loving, stage for a very long time. Only to have him continue to stay with her while saying he really wanted to be with me......

You know, it was really disappointing (and totally unexpected) that my midlife spouse was so stereotypical in going after a younger woman to handle his "crisis". And it was very painful that I was the stereotypical 47 year old midlife wife left behind. I guess, however, that my exWS will have the opportunity to feel young all over again...while raising his 3 year old son! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

My M-In-law keeps asking for the OW phone number because she wants to call her and tell her how upset she is. Based on what I have read here, I won't contact her and am reluctant to give the number to anyone. It is tempting....my mother in law would chew her up and spit her out...but I don't want to make things worse. My emotions are up and down but I get better every day. At first, I was desparately upset and had to go to work because I need my job now more than ever. It was so hard making it through the day...I would start crying before I was out of the parking lot and would continue the whole way home. I am trying to be strong for my son who is very angry at his Dad. I have tried to soothe that anger so their relationship doesn't suffer which means I have to surpress my feelings. Today I got through work with no problem but got angry when I got home and saw the account. However, I have already calmed down and feel moderately sad which is an improvement.

I opened my own checking/savings acct today and will try to manage with the expenses. My WH has not taken his entire check out of the bank and says he will continue to have his check go to our joint acct. I will protect myself and my son.

Is there a model NC letter somewhere that I can look at?

Thanks, Jennifer for your support. It is a big help!

Okay, the first thing is to do a good strong Plan A for at least 3 months. It doesn't sound like you have done that yet. Have you?

Look at ImSoLost's post about her Plan B letter. I believe it's on page 5, right now. This could give you an idea of what you could reference from.

There are some different opinions on that thread about which way it should go, but the jist of it could give you some ideas.

Let me know what you think of it, after reading.

No, not really. I discovered the A in July and confronted my WH...he ran at first but came back 2 days later professing his love and remorse and said he would have no contact. I caught him a couple of times with a prepaid cell phone that he was using to contact OW. Again, he would swear no more contact. Actual D Day was only a week ago when I discovered cell phone with 2 very graphic text messages from OW...no doubt about the PA now. Was I in Plan A since July? I'm not sure. Isn't plan A when they are interested in working on things? He isn't at this point. He is with OW and hasn't spoken to me in 3 days. I am a mess - I can't even tell if I am in Plan A or Plan B!

Plan A includes exposing the affair, and showing him what a great wife you could be, with no disrespectful judgments or lovebusters. You need to do it for 3 months.

It is common for them to waffle back and forth between their spouse and the other person.

Once you have done a rock solid Plan A, then it is time for Plan B.

I have definitely been in Plan A since July. I contemplated what I could have done differently to avoid my WH A - I made several changes to help strenghten our marriage and was loving and supportive. This time when he was caught he decided he couldn't agree to NC with OP. Time for Plan B?

Yes, if you have done a solid Plan A, then time for Plan B. But take a couple of days to get your ducks in line. Plan B is difficult. When you do it, you want to go very dark. That means everything has to be arranged beforehand.

Yes.

Nkay, Just wanted to check in, and see if you're alright. How are you hold up?