Hello fellow MBers,
I have a question that maybe someone with a clearer head can answer. I have 4 teens dealing with the after math of an A, my neighbor a new A discoverer has 2 teens dealing with a fogged out "in love with OW" dad. That is 6 kids in a quarter of a mile section of our little street. When you do the math and look at all us MBers here with kids, that adds up to a heck of a lot of kids with only mom and dad for support. We get to come on here for support from each other, from the new and the older here. What about the kids? Is there not a forum that is safe for them to get the support from other kids who have been through this? I mean yes there is counseling for us all, but when it comes right down to it, MB is the best right now for me and FWH. But how about the kids?
Anyone want to help me with this one?
JE

We have had children post here in the past. I think the youngest was about 12.

L.

Is there a place where kids can go to get support/advice or just vent with other kids that have been through this?
JE

I am not aware of a 'website' that does that, nor do I think that w/b a good idea. However, you may want to get your children with a good IC or trust person they can discuss this with.

Why an adult and not a group of children? Because, in many cases they already are consulting other chlidren (school, friends, relatives, etc.). If you allow your children to have these deep discussions with total strangers, how can you make sure they are getting good support? Even adults have problem getting good support.

IMHO, it is best for the BS to provide a safe haven and help their children find additional support. The kind that the parent knows is beneficial. Even then caution is still needed.

JMHO,
L.

As the mother of children, now 20, 17, and 15, I've got to say go and ahead and get them counseling. It is so true that they will talk to their friends and not always get the best advice. The one thing that you can count on is that they will deal with it somehow.
In my situation, we tried so hard to keep it from our children. But it is so hard, they know MUCH more than you ever believe. Our oldest was so wrapped up in school and his world, that he seems to be largely unaffected but the A has had huge affects on our younger two.
The OW was a mom on my son's baseball team in the process of divorcing. I was sick and H was alone at a lot of games. I think DS later felt somehow he was responsible. He quit ball and never went back. He was the kind of kid that always made the allstar team. I've been sick about it. His friends changed drastically and last month he tested positive for pot and cocaine.
My daughter found a boy to talk to. It quickly became an abusive relationship and I mean physically abusive. We tried everything to get her away from him but because he was there for her during a particularly tough time, she feels some strong attachment. I told my husband it would end in pregnancy. It did. Our grandson will be 8 months old next week. Now, she is bound to this boy forever.
Please help your kids out with counseling. It's so much easier now than later. If only I could go back.
MM

Thanks for asking this question. I've been dealing with the same thing here. 13 year old daughter has been having a really hard time dealing with it. Neither FWS or daughter would talk to the other. She'd constantly vent on me -- which I wanted to be there for her but it was hard. She is so angry at him. FWS not only lied to me but her. It was a situation where confrontation came only after she confronted me and we put our information together.

Each time she'd have an outburst FWS and I would talk about it. He'd ask me what to say. I told him you need to apologize, tell her you were wrong, and it needs to come from your heart. He has alot of guilt so I think pride was getting in the way. But finally the other night she was having one of her episodes got disrespectful with me and then wanted to pout. He finally pulled her to the side and asked her why she was so angry. He finally put the ego to the side and did as I suggested. She talked to me afterwards and ever since she seems as if she has had a huge burden off of her shoulders.

MB says we shouldn't expect an apology from WS. But our children are innocent bystanders that have no part in the deterioration of a marriage or act of infidelity. Their w <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />hole world and all they believe in is devestated.

One of the things FWS asked her is how to rebuild her respect. She told him she didn't know. I think this is an honest question and honest answer. There is no specific thing that can be done. It is going to take them time to heal and rebuild their relationships. The answer is for FWS and BS to walk the walk -- be good role models -- build a stable foundation in the marriage -- let time take its course and all will heal. MB encourages min 15 hours a week for one another -- the FWS and BS can also schedule one-on-one time to build/rebuild relationship with each child.

IC or a group with a leader is probably the only safe alternative. Peer groups not monitored by an adult have the risk of encouraging defiance and acting out. We have the fortune of having a counselor at school and church that she can talk to when she chooses. I also bought her a copy of Power of the Praying Teen, which she says is helping her.

I found a website that my daughter goes to this site and reads. I have only glanced at it though.

My 6 year old was frustrated. We have a very open communication line between my son and I but he didn't have one with his dad. Son was very angry at his father..... he asked some quesitons that if I answered c/b used against me by the WS. So I encouraged my son to talk to his dad. Ask him those questions..... The little guy amazed me. At 6 years old this is how the convo went:

BS: How are you feeling?

Son: Not good.... I am mad at my dad. He makes you cry.

BS: Yes, he does.

Son: I don't understand why he makes you cry. That's not good. He knows that.

BS: Dad is having a hard time being dad right now. His having bad friend(s).

Son: You should tell him NOT to have bad friends, like you tell me.

BS(smiling)..... I did but he doesn't listen as well as you do.

Son: (this part has been shortened a bit)....Mom, why is dad like this? Why isn't he being around here? I miss my dad (he started to cry..... this made me very angry at the WS).

BS: I think these are important questions. I can't answer them all because they are about your dad. Maybe you should ask him.

Son:(.....he thinks a while.... felt like an enternity)....no I can't ask dad.

BS: Why?

Son: I am too embarressed to talk to him.

BS: Embarressed?

Son: I am mad at him.

Bs: Oh..... ok, well maybe you can draw a picture or write a letter?

Son: Hm....

BS: Well think about it.

Son: Ok.


About 2 weeks later.....out of the blue, my son says he wants to write a letter to his dad. He did. It is now a 4 sentence classic. Through the fog, the WS kept that letter and it came back with our Xws and his belongings. 2 questions and 2 sentences.....better than I could have done.

The letter went something like:

Dear Dad,

Why did you leave us? Why do you want to divorce mom? I miss you. I love you.

Love,
Son

Prior to this, our son thought he was going to be thrown out of school because his dad had moved out. He thought only chlidren with both parents could go to school. He felt guilty that he did not have a dad.

ARrrgh....that made me mad. Mad at the WS and it helped my mission to go to plan B and get the OW and WS OUT of my life. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Wow!

Counseling....

A safe place with a safe, impartial person.

Don't just think about it, do it.

That is touching, I am a father of three sons, and I have been trying my damndest to make their mom see that I am the one for her. To no avail and now she is "done with me". Especially since she already has a replacement for me. I dont know why she cant look in those boys eyes and see the pain that is ther enow and that will come later. I wish you the best.

Ok maybe I did not explain this all. My children are all teens, dealing with common teen issues and with this also. Thier best friends, 2 sisters that my 3 teen daughters have been friends with forever, and live right next door are now dealing with this also. 6 kids total. These kids are great. One of my wanted counseling and got it. The others did not want it and I will not force this on them. They have had enough forced on them. These 2 girls are part of my family in my eyes and in thiers. But these kids need more than us BSs can give at times. We are not peers, we are thier parents.
Many times I have seen support groups for teens with divorcing parents, alcoholic parents, sex issues etc. Why not one for kids dealing with this epidemic of affairs? Or a "safe" place where they can chat with other kids dealing with these issues in an anon. way. Maybe I am wrong in looking for this. I recieve great advice and help here, as does FWH. Why should the kids not be able to benefit also?
JE