hello, married with 2 kids to a good husband for 9.5 yrs .we have our problems and the last 2 yrs were so tough. we moved overseas bcs of his job. at the new location, i met a parent with 4 kids and without realizing we got trapped in a strong addicted mentally and emotional connection like never before for both of us. we did not sleep together. we admit that its beyond the "so called love". Anyways, after almost 3 month relationship,and after came back from xmas vacation we met and then a week after he asked me to think twice about what we are doing and the wise thing for sake of our kids is to stop contacting but will meet first and gradually will stop. last time saw him jan 24th, we kept messaging each other almost every day but not a lot. until one day i realized that IS only messaging me when I am . so i decided to stop. but failed several times. he answers my messages every time but i have to stop for good bcs apparently he wants to stop and as he said he is facing reality. i feel sick that iam not there yet though i betrayed my husband and i feel sick bcs i think about him all the time. i stopped txt almost 5 days so far but before that he said we have to meet for last time for closure. I know our relationship is impossible but since he said No for it I want him MORE and i want him to still want me . iam so weak now for sure but i have to be strong and calm so i can keep what we had as sacred and beautiful but move on. please any any tips. i need help. i cant talk to anyone!

How quickly can you get the book: Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs? Both are by Dr. W. Harley.

Please read the concepts section above and learn HOW to restore the Love in your M. Before that you need to work on you 1st. You let a very dangerous and selfish virus enter your life and almost destroy your family. You need to kill that germ. It will be painful and the withdrawal c/b difficult. But your life as a valued family member depends on it.

Start reading.

L.

ORCHID,

your talk make sense but how can you i be sure that i want to stay with my husband. apparently, we had problems and we are still having. right now, i feel i dont want anyone. i want to build my own life not depending on anyone. even if things work out now with my husband, how long will it last ? will i love him again ? i dont know if i even loved him before.

H, welcome to MB. I am a FWW (former wayward wife) as well as a BS. Hon, you cannot and must not "meet" him again. "Closure" is a bunch of crock and will only heighten the feelings you have for the OM. Right now make a committment to do the right thing. Cut out all contact with the OM and tell your husband the truth. Give your H access to your cell phone, email etc. to keep you honest. Look into the eyes of your children and know that you are doing the right thing by cutting this off. Eventually you will fall back in love with your H. The OM was meeting emotional needs (EN's) for you and of course you fell for him. Get SAA as Orchid said and right now print off the EN questionairre from the site and you and hubby fill it out. Start filling each others top EN's. In the beginning it won't feel sincere with your H and you may have to fake it, but I promise you eventually it WILL be real again.

NC is very, very important to go through withdrawl and get over OM. We are here to help you.

1st of all, I commend you for having the guts to post back. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Given that, I will give you my response.

Take a look at your post above. Notice how it is all about how you feel. Where in there are the sentences of concern for you H and family?

Did you love your H before? Do you love your family? The question isn't if YOU can get your love back....the question is do they want you back when you get your love back.

Right now, you can't see your way back. That A virus has done a number to your brain and your mind and heart are NOT in sync. Most Xws experience many moments of weird disconnected thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it feels like euphoria but more often it feels like a bag hangover.

You want to live in that state forever? One can be married and be independent. The good H & W team are made up of 2 people who can work together and independantly.

Good marriages consists of trust, care and yes,....love. Not the just the physical kind and does NOT incorporate the selfish kind. Love is NOT a selfish emotion but the A is. So the A does not promote love. It promotes sex and selfish needs.

Your desire t/b independent sounds more like a teenager wanting to spread his/her wings than a wife and mother who should already been spreading her wings (like one who cares for her family's needs ahead of her own).

My H's younger sister is a very very selifsh woman. I detest her very much. Her family is suffering so much.....others can see it in the eyes of her children just at a glance.

Now that SIL (I have 5 of them - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> ) claims she wants t/s independent, yet her actions are very dependent on her H's income.....but she only wants what she wants and refuses to be a W and mom. Howz that for the indepentent spirit?

L.

Orchid,

I might sound selfish talking about my needs and myself while posting. I thought by posting on WB i can get help .Unfortunately, I have to talk and worry about myself ,my problems and issues bcs I have problems that caused this. I have to help myself so so i can help my family. I dont want my love back, i was not into sex bcs we did not have sex. we decided to stop bcs we are not selfish. the truth is at this point my children are my concern not my husband and i have to admit this to myself. why i dontknow. I know for sure he is a good man and good father. maybe iam blinded since i fell for someone else or thought so. I am so so confused chattered and i know i will find the truth one day. also you dont know my problems with my husband . yes i have to be independant within my family in order to support my kids and not to be financially dependant on any man if things did not work out with my husband.

I know that this site posts is mostly against men since i read a lot of stories talking about men cheating and not vice versa. I have the courage to admit my weakness, my problems and seek help .Anyway, thank you for trying to help.

U need to read here again.....this time take off the A glasses and use your real ones.

1. WS' are both men and women. The damage to the family is still damage.

2. One thing to help out with family responsbilities but another thingy t/b ruining your M and family. Then and only then would this independent need be a phony excuse.

3. Your H has problems? Don't we all. Does his problems allow you to condone the A? If not, then let's concentrate on what does or did lead you to have the A.

4. Yes, this is a marriage building site. Many a WS come here feeling as you are right now and if you ask, those FWS (former wayward spouses) are some of the strongest advocates of MB principles. Go ahead....ask.

Now if you want real help....it's available right here but our help will NOT enable your A nor placate it or cover over it.

I encourage you to keep posting, reading with an open mind, learn and apply. Otherwise, there's another board that gives support but they only make you a better WS and a worse person. I don't recommend that board, but that's just my opinion. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

I am looking for answers and for clear mind and thoughts. i am not looking for someone to be cheerful and tell me good job on my affair or give me excuses to stay in. Yes I am guilty weak .I hope you do not judge me .i will keep reading with open mind!.
by the way whats WS,BS,OM?

Good....now that's cleared, let's get down to business. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Here's the link to the MB acronyms. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

MB acronyms

WS: Wayward spouse
BS: Betrayed spouse
OM: Other man

Have you read the concepts section above? Have you both taken the Emotional needs questionnaire?

L.

hitide,

Glad you are here. I am also a FWW, there are alot of us here. Does your BH know about your relationship with OM?

Have you ever quit smoking or drinking? Withdrawal from OM is going to be the same type of thing. And you need a plan to help you deal with the withdrawal pain.

It sounds like OM wants to heal his family. If you two continue, you will end up resenting each other for the pain you caused your families.

I just woke up, not real clear headed yet, I just wanted to welcome you.