Ok, I've been posting to other threads, without revealing my own story.

I haven't kept it any secret that I'm divorced. I was married at 19 and divorced at 26. I'm now 37 with 18 yr. old twins and a 17 yr. old.

My XH was an alcoholic and drug addict, and eventually, infidelity entered the picture. I feel guilty, that I didn't leave because of the drugs and alcohol, with children being involved. But infidelity is what made me finally leave.

I took my children, when they were about 4 & 5, and went home to my parents. They accepted us with open arms, no questions asked. They've been a Godsend! Without them, I don't know where the girls and I would have ended up! I felt that a 3 parent family was better than one.

After what I had been thru with the X, I decided to remain alone and single, at least until the girls were 18 and graduated.

Well, I unexpectedly met someone, when the girls were about 14 and 15 yrs. old. (So I still decided to NOT marry, yet, until the girls were graduated, incase it was a mistake, I wouldn't get them involved.) We've been together since for about 3 years now. He LOVES the girls and would do anything for them, (and HAS).

He's 5 years older than me, yet has children quite a bit younger than mine. (7 & 10). He has fulltime custody, and has his hands FULL!

He had to move to another state, to make better money than where I live. (This is a great state to retire, but hard to make a living.)

We have been engaged for 2 out of the three years we've been together. I want to wait until my girls are all graduated. The twins will graduate in May, and my youngest will graduate next May.

Well, he, (my fiancee) is having a hard time, with the fact that we have been together for 3 years and still not married. He was under the impression that we could all come together like the "BradyBunch", and live happily ever after.

As much as I love this man, I cannot or WILL not uproot my girls, to live out HIS or MY fantasy of this happy little world. My first committment is to my children. Once they are graduated, then will I fully commit myself to him and his children.

He is seeing this differently. He is a great guy. Very loving and patient. But he just can't understand why I won't compromise the stability of my girls.

I still have trust and co-dependent issues, and I don't want my girls to move away, with only that being learned from me. I want them to have learned about self respect, and confidence in themselves. I just want to be a positive example to them.

Anyway, I'm rambling here, and just trying to get some of my story out. Thanks for listening...Jennifer

Post deleted by Cherished

Hi Jennifer,
I see thisa little differently. First, I see your first commitment is to yourself, not your kids. YOur kids will be gone, you have to live with yourself and your choices.

I know it is really hard to move during highschool. Do you have 2 seniors and a junior this year? Have you asked their input? You might be surprised, they might jump at the chance of change.

If not, I'm not saying pack up and move anyway. I do think you need to decide what YOU want. If it is to get married, then go ahead and set a date for a few weeks after you last one graduates. Encourgage your kids to look at colleges near him.

If your youngest is a junior that only gives you a little over a year to plan the wedding and the move. Maybe if you do it that way, you can all be happy.

I hope the best for you.

Jennifer,
Is he in line with the MB philosophy ?

I agree with the idea of having input from your girls.

It may take quite a few discussions before you can get a "real feel" for their position.

Hello, and thankyou all for responding.

Well, this is pretty complicated. His moving away thru a curve in there. My girls are very adament about staying put. They are established here and secure. It was easier to move, when they were younger. Yes, I have 2 seniors and a junior. At this point, I think a move would be too dramatic for them, as they have already had enough chaos with the situation with their dad. I don't want to compromise their stability, especially if I'm not sure if stability would be offered elsewhere.

My fiancee has his hands full with his little ones, and is out there alone. He is growing impatient, and needs someone around. We had a talk last night on the phone, and I told him, if he doesn't want to wait any longer, I understand. He says he doesn't have a choice. I told him he does. I also suggested, that maybe we take a break this year, and if an opportunity comes about for him, he'd be available. But if he is still alone in a year, we could get back together. He just can't understand why I don't drop everything here, and force the girls to move out there, with me, and be this big happy family. I'm afraid it just wouldn't work out that well.

I am nervous about marriage again, and my judgement in a SO, so if I do this, I think I should do it solo, without any further disruption to the girls' lives.

I would think that the fact that I take parenting so seriously, that it would show him that I am a committed person, and would be to him and his children. That I take my committments seriously.

He's a sweet and generous guy, and I love him. But I keep thinking I'm seeing some red flags. I don't know if I'm paranoid after my previous marriage, or if I'm really seeing them. I always thought, that after I was divorced, that I would know ALL the signs, and I would NOT allow myself to ever get involved in a unhealthy situation, again. I guess I'm just not sure. I thought I was only co-dependent with my XH. I'm finding out that I'm STILL a co-dependent, that it's built in, and this scares the **** out of me!

No, he's not aware of the MB philosophy. He doesn't even know about this place. I came here on my own, actually a few years back, before I even knew him, just to learn, and to see what others were going thru, and to offer my support.

Anyway, thanks for listening. One way or the other, life will go on, and strength will be required, either way. There are more complications to this story, some with my kids, and some with him. I won't go into all that right now, just say some prayers for us! Thanks...Jennifer

Jennifer,
Amazing, you've put your children as number one in yor life. You are a very respectable and intelligent woman. You are here right? out what you want to do with your life. Hope things work out for you and your family. If they dont work with this man, be confident with the woman that you are, they will with another!

Thankyou. It helps me to come here, and try to keep my head straight, and not to just follow my heart. I did that once before, and have learned alot from that.

If I get married again, I want to make sure I'm more educated and grounded. I tend to be impulsive, and just dive into things without thinking. This is one area, where I cannot do that, when there are others to think of.

Thankyou for your kind words.

Jennifer

Jennifer,
Now so much of your advice to me makes sense. You have been doing what I need to be doing. I just have a hard time letting go.

I think you're right. If it's "real" in 2006 it will be just as "real" in 2007. And, you aren't putting unnecessary pressure on your kids when they are in such a vulnerable time of their life anyway.

I truly hope that things work out for you. I admire you so much in doing what you've done. You have my vote for Mom of the year.

I need to take lessons from you. Actually, I need to take some of your advice.

Thankyou, L2S! It means alot to see your post on my thread. I don't know if I would qualify as Mom of the year, but I don't want to be the "Head in the Sand", Mom of the year, either.

I was hoping, that my posting my story, would help the ones that I post to, to understand my perspective. I have my weaknesses, too. Obviously, just by meeting this man, and allowing the door to open to my heart, was a weakness of mine. I went so many years alone, and almost made it, with the girls being almost grown. But for some reason, I got weak, and FELL for this guy.

This was another reason I hadn't allowed myself to fall for anyone, because when I fall, I fall HARD! I'm not the play the field kind of girl.

So I guess, in reality, I'm pretty screwed up, and don't want to base any decisions involving my girls, with this mindset.

Thanks for your post! Again, it means ALOT to me!

Jennifer

What are the red flags that you think you might be seeing?

Believer, I'm not sure I can put it in a nutshell, other than to say, I have HUGE trust issues and insecurities, that concern infidelity, lies, drugs, ect...Pretty much all of the junk from my previous marriage.

If he goes too long without calling, or if I can't reach him. Unexplained absenses, that can be explained, but I wonder if it's the truth. In my mind, it's not explained.

He's a very soft and compassionate person, and sometimes I think he's TOO soft and compassionate, and that causes me to wonder if he could ever say "no", in the wrong set of circumstances.

You see, I thought I had it all together, after I divorced. Now, 11 almost 12 years after the divorce, this co-dependent thing is creeping up on me again. I'm aware of it, and I know I have unresolved issues within myself that I need to address.

I need to learn how to trust my gut, again. And I guess I keep thinking, that not all is on the up and up, with him. It's hard for me to believe that anyone can be THIS nice, without something being wrong.

I don't know. My thoughts are my worse enemy!

Why did he and his wife divorce and why does he have custody?

Unfortunately, we all bring our baggage w/us. You have to be as sure as you can be that this is "the one". If red flags are going up, you have to find out why. My H pushed me toward marriage. We only dated 7 months before the wedding. If I had been taking the time to really look at things I would have been more hesitant. Not saying I wouldn't have married but, I wouldn't have after 7 months. I told him initially that I wanted to date for a couple of years before any talk of marriage. But, I let my heart overrule my head and I let him push me.

So, you've got an awesome insight into things. Don't take your hesitation lightly. Geez, if only I could follow my own advice (and yours!).

One of the problems of going through what you have, is the inability to trust again. That is normal and healthy. However, you need to get to the point where you can love like you have never been hurt.

If your fiance has never done anything untrustworthy, then you need to start trusting him. If he has, then you need to figure out why you attract men like that.

The two of you have been engaged for a long time. I can see why he is wanting to get married. It is unrealistic to keep dragging this out for years. I'm not saying that you should move in with him today, but you can be making plans towards that.

Would it satisfy him if you got married and stayed where you are until your girls graduate?

Well, it's not easy to follow advise, especially our own.

He's divorced for alot of the same reasons I am. He has full custody, because he is the only one available to them. She hasn't hit her rock bottom, yet.

At first, I was as eager as he was to get married. But as time went by, and the initial newness wore off, I have started to go back into my self-protection mode.

I am learning about alot of things I hadn't in the last marriage, such as blended families, "baggage", X's, ect. This is all new to me. Not as rosy as the Brady Bunch, like the image I had in the beginning.

I think the age differnce in our children also plays a big part. They are at differnt phases of life and have differnt needs. Yes, his need a mother, and mine need a father, but unfortantely, it's not that cut and dry. I wished it were. It's difficult enough to bring 2 families together, but now with the long distant thing added, I just don't know.

Believer, I'll be right back with an answer on that, I have to restart my computer.

Jennifer, I was married to an alcoholic/addict, too, and I definitely relate to feeling so much more "together" when you're alone than in a relationship. We codependents learn to be great copers on our own, as this is essentially how we were in our marriages, alone. But, it's in relationships that our codependency issues are tested.

Maybe your fiance is reacting to your obvious hesitancy as all about him. Maybe instead of looking at your decision as a commitment to your girls, he's seeing it as a lack of trust in him to be a good father to them. Maybe his "Brady Bunch" idea is that he trusts you and wants you to be a mother to his kids and he wants you to feel the same about him. Of course, your reasons not to move your girls in their junior and senior years makes a lot of sense and really has nothing to do with your fiance. So your fiance is misunderstanding you and pushing you to move and you're feeling pressured, seeing red flags, and pulling back. Your fiance may feel it as rejection.

When you say the reasons his marriage ended were similar to yours, do you mean his XW is an addict/alcoholic, too? If so, have either of you gotten any kind of treatment for your codependency issues? Have you attended Al-Anon?

Ok, no he wouldn't be satisfied with marrying now, and moving out there in a year. He needs me now, and I can't be there, now.

There have been a few untrustworthy things, that have caused me to lag. I'll leave it at that, but just enough to let it be known, I have a few things to base my judgements on. Not cheating, just a few "white" ones. I don't feel comfortable exposing these things on the internet. But yes, my antenna is up.

And you're right, this shouldn't be dragged out, if it's going nowhere. This is why I told him he could make himself available for the next year, to see if he could find fulfillment with someone else, if he can't wait another year.

So far, he has not answered me on that one. He's just frustrated that I won't do this NOW, when we could actually be planning, right now, but that's still not soon enough for him. I can't just up and leave my responsibilties here, at this point. I respect the fact that he had to move, I just wish he could understand why I had to stay.

This is so complicated! Thanks for listening. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

LetsTry...yes about his X. And yes, to Al-Anon. Infact, it was Al-Anon that turned the light on in my head, to see I had choices and could divorce, and survive. I saw the copers in there, and I respected their choices to stay, but their faces looked so tired. I just couldn't do it. I had 3 babies to take care of. I learned ALOT there, from them and thought I had enough knowledge to take into my future with me.

Well, I'm seeing, I still have alot to learn.

Yes, I think my fiancee is feeling rejected. And he wants me to trust him with being a father to my girls. But I think coming into their lives at the ages and stage they were in, it was kind of difficult for them to accept a new father into their lives, when they are already in their mid to late teens. They love him, but don't feel the need to be "fathered" by him. They are pretty much grown.

I've told him numerous times, this isn't about him personally, this is just where we are at, right now. Let me get them thru school, and then we can begin our new life.

We'll see...

Take your time and make sure you are doing things for the right reasons.

When I married my WH, I had known and dated him for 5 years and dated him for 2 years. He had custody of his kids, and had raised them by himself since they were babies. He also was the father figure for his 2 kids' younger sisters.

I had two boys. So all together, we had a 15 year old, a 13 year old, two 12 year olds, an 11 year old, a 9 year old, a 7 year old, and a 4 year old. The two youngest we only had on weekends, summers and the months when their mom couldn't deal with them.

My husband was always the one pushing to get married. I thought that it was because he loved me so much. Now I realize that it was because he needed help with all of the kids.

We lived in separate houses for the first 5 years, and then moved in together. The different houses was mainly for convenience, and because there were so many kids.

It was a lot of work, mainly for me. I did the cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry, doctor/dentist appointments, school stuff. Plus I worked full time.

When the kids went off on their own, my WH left me for a woman 20 years younger than I. She left her 12 year old daughter to live with him.

Sometimes, I wonder if his needing me is just for help. I know he loves me, but he also has his hands pretty full. He gets overwhelmed, at times. And I feel bad about that.