Post deleted by Darius

Post deleted by Darius

Darius, welcome to MB. From reading over your story, it does not sound like either you or your fiancee are anywhere near ready to make a committment to marriage.

If you want to live a single lifestyle and date other people, then stay single.

Nobody is entitled to have both a spouse AND girlfriends/boyfriends, and it sounds like you are both looking for some way for that to be okay. It's not okay. It never works. If you think it can, just spend some time reading through the reams and reams of misery on these forums from those married to people who insist on having their cake and eating it, too.

As far as getting married? Wait. Don't do it. Neither of you is committed to it, so what would be the point?

If you have to talk yourself into marrying someone - then don't. Just don't.
Mulan

Stay single, Darius. You are not marriage material.

Post deleted by Darius

this is dead in the water dude...you're both cheating...

get healthy...it's ok to be happy and alone...happy, HEALTHY, and alone.

if your posts are real, then it is what I say it is....time to cut losses.

emphasis on BEING HEALTHY AND ALONE here...

Post deleted by Darius

Neither of you are anywhere near ready for marriage. Cancel the wedding.

What country are you in?

Darium,
Welcome to MB.

How old is your fiance?

Before you posted all the info regarding your fiance and the other guy, I already thought the same thing as ML.

Marriages are complicated. You yourself have issues. You jumped from one woman to the next. You need to resolve that before you get married to any woman. You see, whenever there was some problem your thought of fixing it was to meet up with an ex or meet up with a new woman. You need to figure this out before any marrital commitment on your part.

You have unresolved issues. You need to figure yourself out. What do you want in a relationship, what do you want in a marriage. You are doing noone a favor by getting married.

Now you say she is the love of your life, and it is quite possible, but you have not taken the time to figure out why you go after other women as soon as something goes wrong with Monica. YOU really need to be alone (NO OTHER WOMEN) and figure this out before making a commitment!


I think you two need to see individual counslers. It sounds to me that you two are NOT honest with each other. It also sounds to me that you have issues when it comes to sex. I mean you said she did not do anything with anyone before being with you and now she had this AFFAIR with the man in Cuba and part of it was to learn things so she could do it with you. That is not a healthy sexual relationship that you have. It actually sounds very immature.

I am not trying to be hard on you. The fact is that having an open healthy sexual relationship with your parner is not an easy thing to achieve. We have to be vulnarable on a whole new level.

I would strongly recomment individual counselling. I would say don't get married until you each figure yourself out. These issues will not go away......

Daisy

again, darius, healthy and alone is A GOOD PLACE TO BE.

you're not mentally healthy enough for a marriage...neither is she imho.

you jump from girl to girl...you both have been unfaithful...it is a match made in heaven...if you plan on divorcing immediately that is.

do yourself a favor...GET HEALTHY ALONE NOW...and if and when you work on you....in time having worked thru the issues with a counselor or doc, then maybe look her up at a later date. imho...YOU HAVE ISSUES WITH BEING ALONE. don't like it...and you obsess over relationships.

but even hopefully after you get healthy, i just don't see her as marriage material. shocked at her behavior. that doesnt happen dude with a one night stand.

just get healty and happy and be alone for a while to mourn, get thru this stuff...and to WORK ON YOU.

me? I am divorced. healthy and alone and very happy. like it now. much much better as I could not see forest for the trees during the 2 years in purgatory spent with a cheating husband.

but I learned alot, fought like mad for my marriage to be saved, but ended up saving me and my son in the process. I'll remarry one day...when timing is right...and when my heart is really 100 percent there for it...getting close and almost ready, BUT I AM NOT GONNA RUSH PERFECTION. get it?

you're getting a wakeupcall early in life. that is something to be happy about. many people don't get this ever until much later in life...or never at all sadly.

use this as an opportunity to build a great life. sorry for your pain, but it is what it is.

Years ago, I found myself in a similar situation. I could have walked away, but I opted to stay and work things out. We had wonderful few years together when we were married.

She cheated on me again 13 years later, and now it is a lot more difficult to walk away - among other things, there are children and a mortgage involved. The impact of a divorce after several years of marriage is going to be considerably more difficult to get over than walking away from an engagement.

So, I suggest walking away now. If you two were the best for each other, you wouldn't be cheating on each other, especially not a few months before you intend to get married. If you go ahead with the marriage, you will likely end up making each other's lives very miserable.

Darius, it seems you don't have a mature understanding of what is required for a successful engagement, much less a successful marriage. If you flunk engagement, you shouldn't get the job; that is how this is supposed to work. A marriage must be based on a commitment to the other person. That is sorely missing here. You are only committed to your FEELINGS de jour.

The state of your engagement is only contingent on whether you FEEL like being faithful. If you think things are "flat" you feel entitled to cat around. That is NOT MARRIAGE MATERIAL, my friend. Love is a COMMITMENT to be faithful and trustworthy, not a commitment to a FEELING.

Cancel the wedding and get individual counseling to gain a proper understanding of the meaning of marriage.

Darius, the fact is that your relationship was not perfect if there were lies (or hidden truths if you prefer)!

I don't really understand what you mean by average couple.

I would not say that she is not marriage material at all. I would say that she has issues that she needs to resolve (as you do) and in time you both may be ready for marriage. IMHO you are not ready now!

Yes, you are in pain, and all of us can relate. It is painful when you find that the person you love is capable of things previously unimaginable.

You can forgive in time........

But right now, you have issues that you need to figure out. Go to individual counseling (IC) if possible. If not, get a hold of some book on relationship and being open and honest.......

there is somethign that I read in your post that just jumped out at me. You have all these girls in the past and they kept coming into your present. They never remained fully in the past. Your fiance knew nothing about it. My H had all these girl friends (I don't know if there was sex or not) but they always came up into his present and I knew nothign about it, and when things got hard in our relationship off he was contacting them again, and then after he left he even told one that HE always LOVED HER, and I was just a friend (oh, yes, he did tell me that I was the love of his life BTW).....so you see, my H never fully put the past behind him, he never left it there, and it always came forth into the present and probably into the future (as he keeps saying that he and this OW belong together....yet he married ME! ~ so go figure that out).....
SO, reading your post is just a painful reminder of what happens to people that never learn and mature and figure things out before jumping from one thing to the other. Take time to heal and figure things out.

Daisy

ML, brilliant!


Daisy

Post deleted by Darius

Darius,

I really thing individual counseling is something you should focus on now. It will take some time but you can rebuild your life.

When my H left last May, I thought my life was over, but here I am. We all heal, it just takes time. The key for you is to not complicate your matters any by contacting any of your ex's.

I don't mean to imply those are your intentions, however your history suggests, that you look for other women to "fix" the problems you have. SO, please if you have nay temptation to contact them, RESIST!

Take care of yourself.....go to IC and try to heal.....stay here and talk to us even if you are not getting married.....there is lots of us (me included) who are here learning even though our relatinship is not being recovered. This is a good place to learn about relationships and about ourselfs more.......which is what you need to do.......

You two are young still......your life can improve......just try to focus on making good choices and not destructive choices that seem like a nice fix, but really just complicate your life further........

Best to you both....

Daisy

"Fiance" how lucky can you be. The two of you ARE NOT meant for each other. You have no children, no mortgage, and your only holding onto what WAS, not what is. Besides, it seems you'd rather have a lady with the same faith as yours. FRIENDS!, BE FRIENDS!

You both have unfaithful fiances. Neither of you is ready for marriage. Counseling is HIGHLY ADVISED!!!!! Individual counseling. Until you are healthy, you are not ready to think about marriage. That goes for both of you.