He came to pick the kids up at 1pm and he just left at 8pm. We talked the enitre time. Wow... where does 7 hours go??? There was some anger, tears, sadness, joking, I think we pretty much hit on everything along the way.

My WH is still very much the alien, but I do see glimpses of my true H. It is very hard to separate the alien from the true H. It hurts so much to listen to the words they are saying, and I know he means them at the time but then I think who knows what he will say or do tomorrow, so why am I crying. Right now he is on the divorce kick. He does not want to work on the marriage. He would file tomorrow if I would let him, at one point I finally did say go ahead then go file tomorrow and he sat for a minute didn't say a word then went back to an "agreement" we were working on that talks about him atleast giving me time to adjust and for him to really think about things for 3 months before he files. Once he file then we would have another 60 days before it would be final. So it would buy me 5 months total. He thinks he should be over her by now (he's had NC for 6 weeks or so now) and he just doesn't feel that in love feeling towards me. He doesn't like who he is when he's with me, when he's with me he feels like that angry person that he doesn't like to be. He doesn't enjoy being with me. He doesn't believe we can change or make it work. He has done too much damage to our relationship and hurt me too much and he doesn't believe I can really ever get past it. He's afraid that I will throw it in his face.

I'm sure you can guess, more of the same. We had our chance, he tried all of those years, he never loved me the entire time that was just him being a nice person, we were forced to get married because I was pregnant... He's a monster, he can't change with me, he needs to be away from me to change.

I did the script as best as I could and his thing is right now he doesn't want to work on it anymore. He can't force himself to. His heart is somewhere else...

We drew up an agreement that he would give me the 3 months before filing, then we would also have the 60 day waiting period. He agreed to still not see her and not date anyone else either until we file and I agreed to the same. He wants to put our house for sale.

The whole conversation started because we were drawing up a new visitation schedule because he is going back to patrol and will be working revolving days off. Then I started with the script and he just flat our refuses to do anything to work on the marriage right now. So I told him that my counselor had me do a homework assignment and would he read it and tell me if it was right. He read it and made notes all over it. I was pretty much on target for most of the LB's but he just elaborated on it a little more then wrote a note at the bottom for SH giving a little more detail. He did agree also to talk to SH one time but not about working on the marriage just to try to help me. Is this wrong for me to try to get him to talk to SH hoping that SH will be able to draw him in a little bit?

We talked alot more of the same and then we started talking about things we used to do, and I was telling him about dancing last night. He cries whenever we discuss stuff like this because he's like why couldn't it be that way before, it's too late now. He cries thinking about everything we will lose and give up but he says he just can't force himself to work on it right now he wishes he could but he can't. He doesn't know how to make himself.

Then he brought up last Friday night, the original reason for this post. It pretty much sounds like I f&*ked things up that night. If I would have just kept my mouth shut but since I said I was done he has reconciled himself to that. He said I can't say things then take them back. Me not letting him hug me only made it worse. He was reaching out to me and I pushed him away. Is he just throwing the blame on me again?

I brought up having a cookout here in a few weeks and he thought I meant on the weekend he has the kids, he said well the kids and I will be here for the cookout. I just don't get it. You don't like being around me but you want to come over for a cookout. Then he tried to pass it off as just kidding.

He hugged me for a long time before he left, then we started joking a bit with each other. Then he came back from putting something in the car and hugged me goodbye again.

I don't know whether to cry or just not worry about any of it. He has said all of these things so many times before. He still talks about not remembering alot of things. He swears (we all know how trustworthy his word is right now) that he is not seeing her or having any contact with her. But he still LIKES her alot.

I am drained. I wanted to fall asleep during that entire 7 hours. My neck is stiff, my eyes are swollen, my head hurts, my teeth ache, and now I'm whining.

What do I make of this???????????????????????? Part of me says just believe him and put us both out of our misery. He also kept making the comments about even if we file it doesn't mean we have to go through with it or we won't get back together later. I brought up what he would miss about me, at first nothing. He just misses having a wife and home to come home to. So I started pointing out things specific to me and not just any wife. He listened and cried. I also pointed out all of the positive things we were getting ready to have in our life. Our kids are finally both in school, we moved closer to friends, our kids have neighbors to play with now so they aren't so dependent on us, my H has gotten several raises in the last 6 months and we would have finally been able to pay stuff off and save money, travel, do whatever we wanted. And now we are going to lose what we worked so hard to obtain. He again listened and cried.

I brought up never being intimate again. What if last night was the last time. He said that he doesn't think of it that way. He doesn't think it will be our last time. If we both want to then we can. He did apologize for last night, he feels like it was wrong of him to initiate it with me.

He says that my next relationship will be great because of all I've learned and that makes him jealous. But he doesn't want to work on it so that can be our marriage. Just don't get it.....

He won't read anything, won't look at anything, doesn't know how to get it through to me that he doesn't want to work on it. Then emotions come back into his eyes and he looks at me and tells me that he doesn't know how he can do this to me, I'm so beautiful and he's hurting me so much he wishes he could make himself work on it. But then he looks into his heart and his heart tells him no. For that brief second I feel like my H was looking at me, then the WH took over again. The WH then said, that's all we have is a physical attraction between us.

He used to be adamant that he is "in love" with this OW, now he just says he really likes her alot (with emphasis). I talked about him ending up with her and he says I am giving him more credit then he gives it himself. He said something like he doesn't even think about it working out with her. Something like he knows it probably won't. But then he also said that when we file or after the D he would find her and try to be with her.

It feels like it is so unrealistic for me to believe he will come out of this.

He blames things that I always thought were his personality, things he even did when we were dating, on me. He is like that with me, he wants a wife he's proud of, proud to take to lunch, proud to go do things with, etc. We always ate lunch together until he got a promotion 2 years ago. He works with a bunch of guys and they all eat lunch together and complain about work. I work for the Chief/Asst. Chief and always had to be careful what I say b/c they would try to use it to their advantage or whatever. So, when I did go with him I was always quiet b/c I had to watch every word that came out of my mouth. He also had $10 lunches everyday and we couldn't afford for both of us to be doing that. We never did anything because I would ask him to go do things and he would always complain about going or whine about it so I stopped asking. When he was asked to do things with other people he would always use me as an excuse eventhough he just didn't want to go.

My H is very selfish and he is now using me as his excuse for his selfish behavior in our marriage. He didn't want to do things with me or for me because he never loved me. This is how he is but now he sees that it's just with me. I guess because he was trying to impress OW so he took her out to dinner and they went and did things. So he sees it that he is changing because he left me and now he can do all of these things he couldn't do with me.

The difference between my WH and my real H is becoming more and more evident. I don't know if anyone else would be able to see it but it is plain as day to me. I hope the fact that I am seeing more and more of my H is a good sign. But it makes me miss him more and more. It's not only a difference in his attitude, but in his tone of voice, his laugh, his demeanor, his body language, his eyes, his facial expressions... When I'm talking to the WH he is very arrogant, I can't stand it. I can feel it the moment I come in contact with him.

Well the day ended up not being so bad afterall.

My WH came to pick up kids at noon and he changed a bulb in the floodlight for me and then he came inside and we talked about his new position and other small talk for 2 hours. Then he asked me if I wanted to join him and the kids for lunch. We rode separately to his apt. to drop off our dog and then rode together to the restuarant. We made small talk most of the time and joked off and on. Then we went to the store and when we got back to his apt. I left before it ended up going negative.

The one odd thing about the whole day was as soon as he got to my house he asked me if I had talked to my counselor yet. I said no. He asked a couple of small questions about SH and then dropped it. When we got to his apt. I walked in and he looked at me with this kind of dazed look on his face and said, "so did you say you talked to your counselor?". I said, no I haven't. He asked when I was going to talk to him and I said I wasn't sure I had to set up an appt.

What do ya'll make of that? Am i just reading too much into it? It kind of worries me, is there something he thinks SH is going to tell me.

Another positive interaction today. He just brought kids home and they had just gotten out of church. This is a huge thing. My WH had pretty much decided he was against religion in the last few years. So I'm hoping his return to church will be a consistent event.

I was busy doing odd chores around the house and he took notice of all of that. This was one of my annoying habits that I had. He didn't feel like I was as much of a neat freak about inside/outside of house and cars as he was. It drove him nuts. I am a procrastinator and very laid back compared to him. So I think that he was impressed that I had done so much this morning.

I also cooked BBQ'd chicken and had a container ready for him to take with him. He has to work some OT today and he works 12 hours shifts tomorrow and Tuesday so he was pretty much going to be eating sandwiches. So I made sure that he has something else to heat up and eat. He was very appreciative and a little shocked.

He gave me a hug when he came in the house and again when he left. I made sure the entire interaction was positive and upbeat and lighthearted.

I want my H back and I am going to do whatever it takes.

Well, I spoke to SH this morning and we went through the concepts of romantic love versus caring love. Responsibilities of feeling love for other person. He went through all of this with my H also. he said that it seems like my H is guided by emotions and not logic. So he is having a hard time wrapping his mind around the fact that eventhough the feelings aren't there right now that doesn't mean it can't be fixed. My H is under the mindset that if it doesn't feel right then it's not right.

SH said this is going to be a hard obstacle to overcome. He said my H seemed receptive to what he had to say but he doesn't know how much it sank in.

He told me to approach him with these concepts and the thought of exploring our options together with SH on how to have a great marriage. He gave me responses based on my H being either receptive or not.

He suggested reading His Needs/Her needs to my H but I don't know if he will do it because he hates to read. So I'm also going to try to bring that up with him.

So my mission is now to try to get him to go to a joint session with SH. We'll see...

I propositioned him yesterday for SF and he was eager. (Hmmm... shocker there....) He ofcourse had to make it clear that this did not mean anything, it is just sex, blah, blah... Not sure who he was trying to convince there.

I also brought up bringing him dinner and said something like, I'm still your wife so I am going to continue to take care of you. He said, what happens when you're divorced, you still going to take care of me. I said, I will continue to take care of my H until the fat lady sings. Then I said, there must be some small part of you that wants me to because you continue to let me. He tried to argue for a second but couldn't really dispute that. He just said that he shouldn't let me.

I went to his apt. it was lighthearted and when we went to bed he pulled me to him so my head was resting on his chest and his arm was around me. It was so nice and loving. Now, I know that men can have SF without feeling but wouldn't it just feel like SF, would the intimacy still be there. The holding and caressing even after it's over? He held me all night.

I did not let my emotions get in the way, I just enjoyed being close to my H. We left it all lighthearted even this morning. When I left to go to work I said thanks for the chicken (inside joke on how I propositioned him, if you've seen the movie anchorman there's a line in there about having some sex and chicken) then he said, thanks for bringing the chicken.

Guess we'll see where it goes from here. I'm a little scared again about how the conversation will go to try to get him to have a joint session with SH.