I know this guy who is the sweetest and most kind guy ever. However there was no spark. I told him that i am not interested yet he still wants to be friends. Calls often. Often enough that i started feeling guilty coz here is a nice guy whom i could not return the same feelings.

Maybe your gf is in the same position. If she is then it will be a long wait for you. She is still looking for the right one. Maybe you dont have something she is looking for in a man. You should ask her.

Unlike men,it takes a lot more time for a woman to warm up. Maybe she likes you but just needs time. I know a friend who will be marrying her bestfriend after being friends for 6 years. It took that long for the sparks to happen!!

this thread should be retitled gekko's life.

the reason i am in therapy, the reason i am divorced surrounds this topic.

i married someone who settled for me. she proceeded to treat me as a provider, baby maker, and roommate for 8 years. this "spark" you speak of is female code for sex appeal.

at least this person had the guts to be honest with you before you dropped a bundle on her and/or married her. it has taken almost my entire divorced, and two therapy sessions to understand this problem. i am the nice guy/good guy as well. my relationships with friends, cowrokers, and even family fall into me doing all the emotional heavy lifting, paying for things, helping them with their problems and me getting very little in return.

you have to have your life for yourself. if it makes you feel any better i am pretty emotional reading this thread and making this post. i know this feeling. i have let others define me by this nice guy persona. now, i have a a soon to be ex wife, a daughter i can't see every day, two friends that i may have to cut off or least have confrontations with because of where the relationships are currently, and i'm paying someone to tell me what a sap i am.

you deserve better. i suggest being honest with whoever is next in your life about what you expect emotionally, physically, everything.

Firstly, I created a profile on this site just to say that Graycloud is as spot-on as anything I've ever read. So much so that I almost wonder if I know him... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


This will come off as kind of crude maybe, but it's the truth. My guess is that there is no spark because you didn't make her feel sexual about you early on in the relationship. You came at her in friend mode. I assume you were too nice. It's common -- don't beat yourself up over it.

My advice: OP, you need to stop being the nice guy who buys her dinner and drinks and start doing things with her as friends, things that require little to no money. If you're calling her every day, stop it. Call or email her a couple times a week to "catch up". See her once or twice a week at the most. If you're spending insane amounts of time together, there is no time for her to develop that longing to see you again, and it will hinder you. Plus, and more importantly, you're too available. Be a challenge.

Most importantly, DATE OTHER WOMEN at the same time. You don't have to be sleeping with all or ANY of them, but she should know you have options and are willing and able to exercise them. If she gets jealous, she has feelings she isn't telling you about, and if she doesn't (more likely since she has nothing to gain by lying), then you just saved a whole lot of time and money by not dating a woman who isn't interested.

Be friends with her if you like her, but let her introduce you to her female friends and see if you can generate a spark with one of them. Nothing wrong with that.

Do you think you come off as needy in any way? HUGE TURNOFF. If so, turn that around by using the steps I mentioned above. I know this works because I used to do the same stuff you're doing and had the same problem you're having several times in a row with several women. When I started handling myself differently, things changed and I met a great woman who I was able to grow attraction for me in.

Not sure about that. If two people are initially attracted to each other, and they begin a relationship, and there's an element of sexual banter, then each views the other as a potential sex partner, and I think there's a greater potential for sparks.

But for the relationship to get off the ground, that initial attraction needs to be established.

I think most guys would like it if the women they met tended to be more open and less subtle. You like me and think I seem like a cool guy? How about letting me know? You might feel flushed and queasy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />, and it may seem like your feelings must be perfectly obvious to anyone who looks at you, but I'm a dude! I can't tell! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

GC

Hm...It depends on - how much more open and how much less subdle... if using just words (speaking)... could scare away poor thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />
I.e. (at least from my experience), the best way is to learn/know 'speaking' with your eyes/glance/look, breath(ing), lips (and hips) movements...
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I just had to chime in...

As much as I hate the game, it is an unfortunate fact of life, especially with the fairer sex - "...attraction isn't a choice." I am quoting a guy who teaches how to do better in this arena...and although I think he seeks to create "players", I think the info can be used by us good guys as well, to not fall victim to the - ugh - friend zone.

Many women would never consider dating their close male friends...it would feel practically incestuous to them. I hope no females here take offense at my speaking for their gender, but this is a topic I have discussed many times with my female friends - which, it seems, I attract (too?) easily. I am that advice guy, the one that all the girls think would be a great BF, but that few would ever date. I am working on changing that, but not unitl I am fully ready to date regularly...my D is just too recent.

TM