I don't know how many here remember me, but I thought I'd post an update. I'm not sure where to begin, so much (and so little) has happened.

I filed for divorce in May of 2005 to secure child support. At that time I still had some hope of reconciliation. Last summer, after finding out about STBX's serial cheating spanning the entire length of our marriage, I no longer wanted reconciliation and wanted to go through with the divorce. Now I am waiting for STBX to provide a few more papers for the final division of assets and debts, the last step to finalizing our divorce. Several times I have contacted STBX about reaching a settlement agreement without going to court, which he always says is a good idea, then he says he "doesn't have time" to put together his paperwork (a few financial statements!).

Most recently, my lawyer had him subpoenaed to provide the paperwork, and she has requested a court date. He is still trying to delay, and has called me a few times to complain, which usually degenerates into his latest "friends-with-benefits" offer and/or accusations about how unreasonable and immature I am. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I have received some lovely parting gifts, though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> When I go to the lair to pick up the kids, STBX will follow me and offer things he picked up for me at the store (40-pound bags of dog food, special cat food, home maintenance supplies, and so forth). One time he even added extra money to a check he owed me for half our daughter's medical bill. I asked him if it was a mistake and if he wanted to write a new check. All he said was, "I know how much the check is for."

On the other hand, he sometimes refuses to help pay for the children's special events, citing lack of money as the reason. It's sort of a Jekyll-and-Hyde thing - I never know who I'll get.

The kids had the situation figured out long before I did. Both told me they knew from the beginning that he was never coming back. Strangely (or not?), neither has expressed any remorse that their father doesn't live with us any more, and neither has expressed any desire for us to get back together as most children involved in a divorce seem to do. DS seems very happy when men call me, and has told me I should go on dates. Both kids tell people we are divorced.

DS has told his father that he doesn't want to have many overnight visits. He usually finds a way to stay with me or a friend instead of visiting his father. STBX showers DD with gifts and shopping excursions, partly in an attempt to make DS regret not spending more time with him, I think. DD told me, "If I tell Dad I want something, I know he'll take me out the next day to get it." For example, STBX got DD a fancy cell phone with a great calling plan (she's 10 years old!). DS was upset because he had been asking his dad for a better cell phone for over a year.

My mom thinks STBX is stalling the divorce because MOW is pressuring him for a committment. If he is not yet divorced, he has an excuse not to marry her. However, my lawyer's assistant told me MOW and her H have still not filed for divorce (shrug). My lawyer thinks he is stalling because he has hidden assets. Hmmm, maybe.

All I know is I want this to be over. I am tired of seeing him or my in-laws everywhere I turn. I am tired of him lurking in my school parking lot to put notes and things in my van. I am tired of my name being connected to his. I want to be free of him! Truthfully, I feel no anger (or very little). Anger would require more of an emotional investment than I feel he deserves. What I feel for STBX is pity, some revulsion, and perhaps irritation.

STBXWHs! Can't live with them, can't list them on eBay when you want to be rid of them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Well, that turned out to be a whole lot longer than intended. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> There's more, but I'll spare you for now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I want to add:

The kids may seem to be accepting all of this, but I know it bothers them, even though they won't admit it. DD often has trouble sleeping. She will sometimes have meltdowns about minor things, more than the usual pre-PMS, preteen mother-daughter stuff. She wants me to hold her and sit with her more often than she used to.

I can tell DS is deeply angry with his father. DS used to send him emails berating him for being mean to me and making me cry. He has accused me of still defending his father when I remind the kids of good things that happened in the past or when I say something supportive of STBX.

I know I should find counseling for the kids, but STBX made it a condition of our custody/visitation agreement that the kids would not be allowed to have counseling. It was an important stipulation for him. I agreed, only to get him to agree to a few stipulations I thought were important (no-contact with MOW, amount of visitation, etc.).

I did take the kids to a non-profit, church-related children-of-divorce program for a while (counseling without being called counseling). We got kicked out because DD was extremely resistant and defiant (my sweet, straight-A, never been in trouble at school child).

Divorce sucks.

How on earth did he find a judge to sign off on that?

Good to hear from you again. I wondered what was going on.

Hi, elspeth. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think it just slipped by. STBX also misrepresented his income by several thousands of dollars at the child support hearing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> One of the many things I have learned through all of this is that life is definitely not fair, especially for a betrayed spouse.

I have found that, except for financially, I really am better off without him. I didn't realize what he was really like and how unhappy and lonely I was with him until he had been gone for a while. I tolerated neglect and lived on crumbs of his attention and affection for a long, long time (so did the kids). I am actually quite happy most days.

Although, I am a little down today. It seems like everyone else is moving forward in their lives (I know, not necessarily true) while I am stuck waiting for a divorce which seems as if it will never be final. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Pebbles,

Good to hear from you. We were pestering SNS 'bout you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

R U going to make sure that crazy piece about no counseling for the children gets straightened out? Geeze! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

L.

Hey Pebbles, you sound so good. Sorry to hear that the D is being dragged out. Thanks for the update. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi (((Pebbles)))
Thanks for stopping by. I called you and sleepless out a couple weeks ago. We got his update...its nice to have yours! You were not forgotten. Check out my thread for an update. I am in the process of filing for D. I'm so tired of crumbs. My WH refuses to leave so I never did get to plan B...looks like I won't need it now.

"I know I should find counseling for the kids, but STBX made it a condition of our custody/visitation agreement that the kids would not be allowed to have counseling."

I think YOU need to go to counseling to figure out why you would ever agree to something like this. And I think the attorneys and judge need to go to counseling to explain why they would ever go along with something so CRAZY.

Hi, Orchid, MelodyLane, confused, and believer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I got the message. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I just didn't have anything very exciting to post (as evidenced by my current thread, LOL).

Confused, I will check out your thread.

Orchid and believer, I'll try to explain. I agreed to the stipulation because there are ways I can get around it, and it was one of the ways I got STBX to agree to no contact/overnight visits with MOW for the first few months of visitation. It was also one way I got him to agree to 80/20 custody. I can find counseling that isn't called counseling (support groups through church and such). STBX cannot be required to pay for counseling.

I think he is so against counseling because he still does not want to admit he has done anything wrong, and he doesn't want the kids to get the idea he has done something wrong (too late!). STBX is also against the kids going to church or continuing to go to the private Christian schools they have been attending since kindergarten. The judge said the kids could stay at their current schools as long as STBX did not have to contribute to tuition. As far as church goes, we can each take the kids to whatever church we please.

I'm not sure if I made any sense. I do agree that the kids need counseling.

BTW: I have nothing against public schools. I taught in a public school for several years. I just didn't think it would be a good idea for the kids to have to make the transition to public school from Christian school, with friends they have had since kindergarten, when they are already going through so much change. Right now my daughter receives free tuition because I am a teacher at the same school she attends. My son (who is now in high school) has a partial scholarship and financial support from my parents.

It is possible that, for financial reasons, both children will be switched to public school in the next year or two. I'll probably need to switch to a higher-paying teaching job (or some other job). For now, at least for a little while, I'm trying to not change things too much.

Hey Pebbles! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Great to hear from you. You sound good.

Sorry to hear you STBX is still being a complete a$$. Mine is behaving much the same way - minus the 'friends with benefits' talk (he still doesn't want to be unfaithful to the Omelette). He is making the D as slow as he can -hasn't even given a finacial disclosure to my atty yet, possibly for the same reasons - Omelette pressuring him for commitment.

Your kids are so sussed regarding the A. They sound very wise. Take care.

{{{Pebbles}}}

Alph.

Hi Pebs.

Prediction follows:

You will find happiness - possibly sooner than you think.

Bam Bam will forever be seeking it - and have it always slip away.

WAT
----------------
Never silence criticism from a fool.

It's nice to hear from you Pebbles. I'm sorry your STBXCH Is such a slippery jerk. How can he have no concern about uprooting his kids from a school they have attended since Kindergarten? I've tried to transplant a high school age kid before and it doesn't work very well. I think if kids don't say with their friends, they can have BIG problems. Public school can be expensive, too! I feel like everytime I turn around I'm being asked for more money. Obviously, not as much as tuition but a lot. Does your school value you as a teacher enough to help make it possible for your kids to continue where they are?

Cheating spouses are strange beasts aren't they? Enjoy the jumbo bag of dog food.

p.s. It's time for all of us to stop taking crumbs from our relationships. Why do so many of these WH sound the same?

Hi, Alph. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What is it with these WH's? They are the ones who say they want a divorce as soon as possible, then they are the ones who drag everything out as long as possible. My STBX whines to me about the divorce costing him way too much money. Him!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> I am the one who has paid for all the divorce action so far. The kids and I are the ones who lived without any financial support from him for a few months before we went to court for child support. I am also the one who has done all the work collecting documents, visiting/calling the lawyer, etc., plus picking up the pieces he left behind.

I'm sure all of this sounds familiar to you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Well...actually my parents are the ones who have fronted all the money for the lawyer, but you know what I mean. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> Thank God for Mom and Dad, who consider financing my divorce as an investment in my future.

Okay, deep breaths, happy thoughts. Vent over. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

During one of those talks, STBX asked me what I expected our 'relationship' to be like after the divorce, since, according to him, everyone he knows is buddies with their ex-spouse. I told him I would be his estranged ex-wife (who doesn't like him and won't sleep with him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> ) and we would speak only when absolutely necessary about child-related matters.

I still do not speak badly of him in front of the children. I have, however, discussed with the children that adultery is wrong, because it is! They already knew that, anyway. Sometimes I do have to bite my tongue...hard.

WAT!! So good to 'see' you!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you, dear WAT. Actually, I have always had happiness. It has just been challenged, with a bunch of crud trying to push it down...but it still keeps bobbing to the surface and refuses to die! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> In general, life and people have been pretty good to me.

My sister, a cynical, worldly wise single woman, keeps telling me I can do better (gee, can't do much worse, can I?), but all men are dogs and I should quit believing there are still good ones out there. She calls me "Snow White." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> To annoy her, I sing, "Someday my prince will come..." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Actually, sometimes I feel more like a pre-fairy godmother Cinderella, complete with cleaning the ashes out of the fireplace. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Sadly, I believe this is true. He has always been looking for something, never quite happy or satisfied. I tried the best I could to make him happy, but whatever I did was never enough. His current skankylosaur (and the future ones) probably won't have any more success than I did.

Hi, grapegirl. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Because it's all about him, and punishing me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Unfortunately, my daughter is in fifth grade and has only one more year at the school where I teach (K-6 school). After that, she will need to go to the school my son attends, which is not affiliated with my school. It would be very difficult for me to pay tuition for both children, even with scholarships and some financial support from my parents. I thought of applying for a job at that school, but it seems they do not offer much of a tuition discount for their teachers.

The kids have been adjusting to our new situation for over a year now, so I am hoping that will make it easier for them when they eventually need to transition to a new school.

I am overwhelmed with the kindness and generosity people have shown me. Sadly, teachers do not make a whole lot of money, and private school teachers (at least here) make even less. Teaching is where my heart is. I have yet to meet a child I can't love. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> But...I can teach somewhere else, or do something else entirely, if I have to.

Maybe with a nice chardonnay. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

HI PEBBLES!!!!!!

It was nice of your alien to share his OW's favorite flavor of chow with you. Maybe they had a 2 4 1 sale.

Glad to hear things are going wellish for you, and I wish you a speedy divorce. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, 'Neak, and hi! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The dogs like it, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I saw the skankylosaur again tonight. Which reminded me of the very first time I saw her full on, the last time I picked up DD from the lair two weeks ago. Seeing her was something I had to do, to help with closure and to satisfy my curiosity (Where's Gimble? He always warned me about my curiosity getting me into trouble, LOL). STBX never has her with him in the car when he picks up or drops off the kids, and she always stays in the lair when I pick up the kids there.

I feel very catty for what I am going to say. I've only told one person that I've seen her, and my impressions of her. But...I'm hopped up on cold medication, so here goes.

First of all, STBX is a very good-looking man (on the outside). When I found out he was leaving me for another woman, I was expecting her to be far more attractive than me, and probably younger. When people told me what she was like and what she looked like, I thought they were just trying to make me feel better.

The last time I picked up DD, instead of calling STBX and asking him to send DD out to me, I walked right up to the door. DD opened the door and flung it wide open. There was the saur, in plain view. I smiled and said hello to her. She jumped up and almost ran into the other room. When STBX came to the door, I asked him if it was something I said, LOL.

Anyway, people were not just trying to make me feel better! Everything I heard about her appeared to be true. She is...ummm...most unattractive, and quite a bit older than I am. Aside from appearance, the kids (and even my in-laws, who accepted her from the beginning) tell me she doesn't talk much, hardly ever smiles, and bosses STBX around. I guess I blew it by trying to be nice to him, LOL.

I am not sure if it makes me feel better or worse that she seems so...what would be a ladylike way to put it?? Actually, in a very eeeeeewww kind of way, she reminds me a lot of STBX's psycho mother.

He had other affairs off and on throughout our marriage (unbeknownst to me). What made this MOW so special that he left for her? And, according to her H, STBX is not her first conquest. I think that's one reason I was so curious. I wanted to find out what is so special about her - more special than the other other women...more special than me.

Funny (to me) aside: The kids told me they never call the saur by her name. They always call her "Dad's girlfriend" when speaking of her. They do call her dog by his name, LOL.

Yep, I'd rather have dog food. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I'll tell ya what is so so special about her...

She doesn't require him to be a better man.