OK ... My wife moved out almost 5 months ago. She has her own place and seems content on staying there. She has very little contact with me and its mostly about DS8. She really won't talk about anything else with me.

I am trying to stick with a Plan A but I don't know if any of this is working.

I am nice and pleasent when I see her, which is about 5 minutes a week during child exchange.

I don't call her or write her notes at all unless it has to do with DS8.

I stay away from her and let her have her space.

It doesn't seem to have any effect.

Is there anything I can do that would show her how nuch I have changed and how willing I am to prove that this can work?

She isn't pushing for a divorce but we haven't talked about it in 2 months. I have backed off all R talk and don't ever bring it up.

When she left, she said its over and that she will never come back.

She still has alot of stuff in this house and she hasn't asked for any of it.

She isn't asking me for anything at all (money, furture).

I am so confused. Am I not being patient enough? Am I expecting to much, too soon?

I just feel like I could be doing more and I am not. But, I don't want to push her away either.

Any WW that came back that can help here? What showed you that your H changed?

Suggestions ???

Sounds like you are both being patient, with your marriage. I dont know the details about what happened. Seems like you both have your child as priority, which is great. I'm not one to give too much advice but what I can say is, there is nothing wrong with being civil and forming some kind of friendship with her. That is th ebasis of any relationship.

We were great friends in the beginning. We used to talk and talk and talk before we were married.

I just want her to know that I have seen the light....

That I am serious about this and that I want it to work...

That I WONT go back to my old ways .....

That if she would just give it one more chance ....

I would love her like never before .....

Is she still seeing the other man?

Damn, I guess your in the same boat I am in. How's it look on that side of the water? It's like rowing and rowing, realizing we are going upstream.

If she hasn't moved in with another man, I'd say there is a chance. Have you sought counseling? My WW keeps telling me that I need to see one, I tend to explode verbal assaults at her when I get pissed off. It's something I am aware I do but cant seem to stay away from. Now it's too late.

I'm not sure what plan you should use at this point. I'd say look at your child and maybe doing things that require the both of you to be there? Plays at school? Parent teacher night? Things in that nature.Of course you;d have to apply the techniques on this site when you are around her or talking to her.

I like you too had many angry outbursts. I used to think they were nothing and that she deserves them. Little did I know that I was killing my marriage. I was never physical with her during these outbursts and when she told me that I scared her, I ignored her. I thought she was just trying to use my anger against me...

The night she left was a result of a really bad outburst by me.

I don't think she is still seeing him. last I knew, he went back to his wife. He works with her though (not is the same area) so they could be talking alot at work. I do't think I want to know anyway..

Yes, I have been in IC since one week after she left. She is aware I am going. I have sessions every week. I won;t miss them. I even take off work for them. It has helped me examine myself on a whole new level.

I just wish I really knew what was going on in her heart. I wish I could see just a little in there and get some idea of what she is feeling.

This "holdong" pattern is sometimes good and sometimes bad for me. It gives me hope and brings me down at times too.

Hope because she isn't the type to wait and do anything. If she wants it sone, it better be done yesterday.

Pain because I see so many reminders of her here in the house. Reminders of what we were and things we have done. Reminders of how much my heart aches that she is gone.

I just want to run to the tallest building ans scream "I GET IT NOW" from the top of my lungs. I want to show her that I am listening loud and clear and that I won't EVER let this happen again.

She is a very tough person to get through to. She has been hurt in her life by alot of people. She doesn't trust easy. I broke that trust badly.

She always complained that when she gave in, I went right back to my "old" self. Not this time though. Her being gone has opened a big part of me.

Maybe I am expecting too much too soon. I am hoping that she is watching. Seeing the changes in my actions. Hoping this "holding" pattern is a time for her to look from a distance.

I will press-on. I love her enough to show her first. I am not ready to give up. She is the best thing that ever happened to me, and if she ever returns, I think she will see a side of me that she never knew existed. I didn't even know it existed until she left .....

Hope and pray, thats all I have right now

Still -

Sounds like your desire is really there to work on the M. That you realize what part you had in creating an atmosphere for the A. Plan A is not easy, but can be done....There are some excellent threads on doing a separated Plan A....I'll try to find one for you and bump it up.

You're wife is paying attention to your actions even if it is 5 minutes here and there. Keep trying....

Kim

You know what else is a little crazy for me?

All those things that used to drive me nuts about her, I miss so badly now !!

The sticky bathroom floor from her hairspray.

The hair in the sink after she brushed.

Seeing her sitting in the chair playing on the computer

Pulling her car in front-ways in the garage.

I miss everything about her.. I miss her ....

I keep readong here that they do notice. I also read that I shouldn't expect them to let me know that they are watching. Its just really hard sometimes when I don;t even know if I am doing the right thing.

Plan A is hard, but she is worth it. We are worth it.

I just get a little discourged every now and then ..

I feel for you man, when my WW left with my sons, I sat around the house, marinating in my own self misery. My sister called it mourning. The pain goes away but seems to resurface when something reminds me of that time.

Just as kimberly said, she is watching you. I was just told by my WW that it was my actions, my actions that mattered. The problem with that, it was her actions that mattered to me as well. So we kind of got stuck in a stalemate. She hurt me, I hurt her, it was a vicious cycle. Right now I am dealing with letter her go. She already is with some other guy, and trust me. Part of me wants to take his life. but the smarter thing is to watch her take his. :P Anyhow, keep improving on youself, emotionally, financially, as a father.( Kind of motivating myself here) You've got to get that time back,never try to force her to do something by the way, it doesn't work. Hope you have a game plan.

It's normal.....Plan A is hard, but keep posting here for encouragement. You can do it! And you will know either way that you gave it all you could.

Kim

Yes.... I am giving it all I can.

And thanks for the encourgement. I really need it sometimes.

I think in my heart that she hasn;t given up yet. I least I hope...

She is not feeling well today so when I drop off DS, I am going to have him make her some chicken soup. I never took care of her when she was ill.

I am going to take care of her now !!

Do you think calling her to check on how she is feeling tommorrow will be viewed as pressure ??

Rowing upstream. against the current .....

Yes, call her tomorrow! That let's her know you were thinking about her & want to make sure she's o.k.....

I haven't found the threads yet on a separated Plan A....I'm not that great at searching on this Forum!!

Have you already exposed to everyone about the A?

Kim

No, I didn't expose. It was over by the time I figured it out. But, she does know that I know about it and she was concerned what he MIL would think.

I do think its done with them.

I will call her tommorrow. Make it short and sweet and just tell her I was checking up on her.

The last time she was ill I called her a couple times to check on her. She sounded pleased on the phone that I called and was worried about her. I kept it short though.

Not taking care of her when she is ill was a big LB for me. She complained about it all the time. I just don't want to overdue it so she thinks its fake.

Short and sweet tommorrow....

Rowing upstream, agaginst the current .....

Arch --

Thanks for the post. I changed my siginature to match what you wrote. It is exactly how I feel.