Here's the background WH and I have been separated since 6/04. Have had virtually no "face time", since then. (He moved out state immediately following d-day) Can count the number of times we have even been in the same room, and then it was always with the kids around. During this time, however, we were having some contact via email and phone and I tried to Plan A as best I could long distance.
Fast Forward to 8/05...we spent the day together as a family taking our oldest to college and had a very pleasant time. That was kind of a turning point and we really began to talk and communicate (again long distance) until just around T'giving, he totally withdrew from any contact of a personal nature, without much of an explaination other than he felt it was leading to reconciliation and he didn't want to "go there". Went into Plan B right after Xmas.
As a result of upcoming court hearing, I contacted SH about how to proceed and he suggested contact with the purpose of 1) getting WH to speak w/him and 2) getting WH to see that it is possible to rebuild. Draft of that email follows, I would appreciate input. I am not sure it is exactly the direction he wanted me to take. I have also included the email that WH husband sent the day after we took DS1 to college. I probably should have sought advice at that time about how to respond, but from all indications, it seemed to be going pretty well after that. I don't really know why he just all of a sudden dropped out...pressure from OW perhaps.... Anyway, any thoughts/opinions appreciated. SH wants to review it, but I want to make the most of my limited time with him so any suggestions, improvements are welcome. Everything I imply about being ready to move on is the absolute truth.
WH, I am assuming that by now your atty has informed you of the hearing on the 21st. The way I understand it, we have to go before the judge and tell him how we plan on proceeding from here....settlement or trial. But we do have other options. One of those is asking the judge to delay the proceedings. I know at this point, it is difficult, if not impossible for you to see us ever being able to rebuild our marriage into one that makes us both happy, but I still do see it as possible. But of course it has to be something we are both willing to do. I have been talking and working with someone who has been helping me understand how that is possible, in very concrete and practical ways.
This hearing is forcing me to make a decision on exactly how much longer I want to continue to live like this, trying to walk the fine line between guarding my heart and standing for our marriage. I can't do it forever, it takes too much out of me. And to be honest I have just about reached the point of stepping over that line into the land of self preservation. The past couple of months with no contact with you have really shown me that not only am I ready to move on, I am fully capable of doing it with strength and grace and will be able to rebuild a life that is satisfying and stimulating, whether it be by myself or eventually with someone else. It was sort of a test for me, and I passed. I appreciate you respecting my wishes for no contact.
The past year has been an incredible journey for me. I know I have shared with you many of the things about myself that God has revealed to me and many of the ways I contributed to the destruction of our marriage. And even if you have chosen not to forgive me for those things, I at least pray that you know I am sincere when I tell you that given the chance I would make a 100% effort into building a marriage that is fulfilling to both of us.
As I look back over the nearly two years since you have been gone, I can clearly see how God has gently and sometimes not so gently, brought me along on this journey. The first several months you were gone I was just totally numb, incapable of moving in any direction or making any decisons about what I wanted as far as our relationship. I can see now the purpose for that. God was allowing me to rest my spirit to prepare for the hard work to come and protecting me from making rash and emotional decisions. And then when I was ready to deal with it, He began to convict me of my weaknesses and failures that led to your leaving. I have faced those things, repented from them, changed and continue to improve on them...and all the while He has been right there with me, revealing things only as I was able to deal with them and giving me the grace and strength to work thru them.
And now the second part of that journey has begun. I do not believe that the timing of this hearing is a coincidence, and God has clearly set before me a choice of how I intend to make use of the grace He has given me.Do I take what He has shown me, given me, and taught me to move on in a new direction or do I use it as a foundation to rebuild our marriage? To be honest, it was easy to stand for our marriage when it was something I was sure I wanted. But I am no longer sure that it is something I want to continue to do. The strength I have gained in rediscovering my worth and in learning how to have truly fulfilling relationships, and being convinced of my ability to do so, has been so liberating and I know that I can use that strength in other ways and in other relationships...and it is so tempting to just take God's grace and the things He has shown me and run, using it to fulfill myself instead of using it to fulfill His purpose.
My problem right now is that I don't have any peace about how God truly wants me to use it. For a long time I was convinced that God's purpose in all of this was to glorify Himself by our reconciliation, but I am no longer so sure of that. Maybe it is the enemy planting doubt, I don't know. I do know that as long as there is even some glimmer, miniscule hope that you would be willing, I couldn't face myself in the future if I wasn't also willing. Especially now that I feel like I have grown emotionally and spiritually and have learned how it is possible to rebuild. God has given me all the tools to make it possible, and I know that it would be not only a waste, but a sin, not to use those things in the way He intended.
So I have some decisions to make before the hearing, and although you don't owe me anything, I would appreciate your help in making them. Like I said, knowing for sure how you feel will go along way in helping me have peace about what I decide and I don't really trust myself to be objective about what you tell me directly. It is hard for me to know what is really true and what I want to think is true. No matter what you tell me, I am afraid I will always second guess myself. I am asking you if you would be willing to talk to my counselor and give him an honest indication of where you are at right now. Then he can go from there and help me with whatever the consequences are of what you tell him. He does phone counseling and you don't even have to tell me anything about it. Just go to his website,
www.marriagebuilders.com and click on the "counseling center" link. Request an appointment with Steve Harley and he will just bill it to me. You don't have to worry about being judged or manipulated...this isn't about you or even about us, it is about me and helping move on. I just ask that you do it far enough in advance of the hearing so that I can make the tough decisons I need to make.
This is the email WH sent right after 'college day', seemed very promising at the time, but I am afraid too much time has passed to build on the potential it showed.
I am going to tell you these thoughts because harboring them feels wrong. I am confused and scared at what happened yesterday. What I told you before you left last night was the truth. At times I do miss you and want so badly
to come home and be a family. But this emotion is what has ruled my life for several years now and acting on it has always ended in disappointment and heartache. I did not act on it yesterday, though I was tempted, and I feel confident in not doing so.
This weekend was one of several trials for me. Seeing and talking to you on Saturday afternoon was the first and the one I initially feared the most. Your demeanor made it much easier than I had feared it would be. Going to
Sunday school class, sitting with people that I know are judging me, and confessing that I had not opened my bible in over a year was the second. I don't know why I did this, only that I needed to do it. I know that what I
have done and am now doing is a sin. This was my first step in openly confessing this to them and showing that even though I am ashamed of what has transpired over the past couple years, I will not hide from it. God will forgive me, but I don't think anyone else will.
I do not know what God's will is for me, I can only rely on faith that no matter what I do, He will make it right. Though what I have done over the past year contradicts everyone's advice, God is still working on me and
I pray that He doesn't give up as quickly as I do. I must confess that I so wanted for you to walk up to the alter yesterday, as I would have joined you. I am not saying that I want us to get back together, only to ask that
God do what He wills and bring peace to all of us, no matter what that may entail. If we attend service together the next time I am in town, the offer still stands.
The way you were yesterday has me both confused and scared.
Confused because I did not see the anger and disdain I expected. Scared because I wanted to comfort you and make things right, knowing that every time I acted on those emotions in the past, I only made matters worse. To me the
easy route is to come home, beg for your forgiveness, go about life as normal,and inside hate myself knowing that I feel no love from you and being unable to give any back. Whether it is things I have done or those you did,
our past still clouds my thoughts and emotions. I don't know if you are the same person or not, physically you have changed and your manner was not what I expected. But I fear that you are still in there, setting a trap for
me.
I am in a relationship and do not know where it will take me. I am going through so many changes as a result of this relationship, changes that you were never able to get from me. I don't know what she sees in me, as my view of myself is not as high as I try to present to others. This has been a problem for years and I am finally confronting it. I don't like a lot of what I see of myself, but at least I am admitting these faults and slowly trying to rid myself of them. Where this will take me, I do not know. How
long our relationship will last is also an unknown. I take it day by day and try not to let my fears dictate my life as they have in the past. She is not a born again Christian and I know my actions are not leading her toward
becoming one. This weighs more heavily on me as each day passes.
This much I can promise you. I will be praying daily for everyone in my life, I will start reading the bible again, I will read the book you sent,and I will ask God to do with me as he desires. I do not what will come of this. I will only go by faith that it is for the best. I do not want to
be broken as you said earlier, but as long as it is only me then I will accept it.
