What do you think about parent's advising adult kids on issues after an affair?

Husbands says mom's should tell their kids the right thing to do. Which is his opinion is staying an working things out. That is what he would tell the kids if this situation were to happen. I asked the qustion of is that considered mettling?

My mom doesn't want to say to stay or divorce because she feels that she would be wrong if things worked or divorced. She wants us to figure that out.

Any thoughts on this subject? Just curious.

I think parents should always tell their children the right thing to do regardless of the potential outcome in affair/divorce situations. Everyone involved should. The grandparents are very invested in the situation and shouldn't hesistate to state what is right and wrong. To just sit there silently while one party wrongly abandons his family is uncaring and cowardly.

Is your mom just worried that she might suffer some fallout from telling you the right thing to do in case you DON'T do the right thing? That seems somewhat self serving. She is putting her personal comfort before principles by trying to play both sides of the fence. But, that is the way of most conflict avoiders. They care more about not making you mad at them than they do about your wellbeing.

If you are doing wrong, your mother should shoot straight with you. If you are fighting over the color of the kitchen curtains, she should butt out. But she needs to use some discernment to tell the difference and it doesnt sound like she has that here.

Totally agree with ML. There can be a fine line between meddling and parenting once your kids reach a certain age...but a parent's responsibiliy will always be to point out right from wrong to thier kids and to maintain certain standards, no matter how old they are. The difference is that as they get older it no longer becomes the parents responsibilty to enforce those standards, that is meddling.

I completely agree with ML. I have Inlaws that feel that they shouldn't be involved with their son's "choice". They embody all of the worst of ML's post. These church-going, religous folks are content to let their son destroy our family. They don't believe it's their place to talk to him about it. When they do get together, they skirt the issue entirely. I don't know how they mentally explain away the empty chairs. Generation thing? Conflict Avoidance?

For my part, I believe parents of any age should be a moral compass to their family. You don't have to meddle, you just have to state your position. If they choose not to listen, that's that. If you choose to hang around with people doing amoral things, that's on your head.

Another reason my inlaws didn't want to say anything is because they said they didn't want to lose their son's love. Well, he still talks to them, sporatically. However, they've pretty much alienated their grandchildren and me. I was the one who held things together (contact, calls, info about the grandkids) and now I don't care to.

Think it was a good decision?

gg,

I am pretty much in the same situation. IL's are very much into "whatever makes you happy makes us happy". The ironic thing is that WH always resented that attitude growing up because he felt there was a lack of guidance and nurturing and their unwillingness to "butt in" led to alot of mistakes and wasted time trying to figure out life on his own.

Now, of course, he finds that attitude very convenient.

Good thing he's not a serial killer, huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> They actually are a very wierd family. WH's adult sister lived with them after her divorce for several years. If she left for work in the am without making her bed, they were all over her...even once called her at work and told her come home and make it.

But...they had zip to say about her staying out all night and sleeping around with married men...I guess as long as she made the bed afterwards it was okay! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I used to think that my ILs would always take the side of our family when STBX left us - but now they have completely accepted the OW as STBX's 'new partner'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I admit I do still have a lot of time for my ILs - they have been very supportive of myself and the children individually, just not our family unfortunately. However, they have some strange ideas about personal morality. For example, they bought STBX a double bed when he was 15 so he could have girlfriends stay over. I think they've always told him/given him the impression that if it feels good, just do it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

YUCK!!! But it does remind me of WH telling me he called his mom once to bring him condoms.

Do your parents live with you or do you call them about every problem/issue in your marriage?

I don't I talk to my mom may 2-3 times a month, we both are very busy.

Also, question about husband telling mother that if we divorce she will never see her grandkids again. is this the right way to handle things? She called to talk to everyone things sounded good at first, then went to crap. Husband hung up on mom and he told me to call my mom back when I came out of the bathroom. I didn't because we got into a discussion. I haven't spoken to mom in quite a while.

Glad to see you posting again. How is your new job going? I hope you like it.

I think your husband does a lot of speaking before thinking.

My initial gut reaction is no, threatening MIL that she will never see the grandkids again if there is a D is NOT the proper way to handle things. Sounds threatening and manipulative to me. I know Eagle wants to save the M and I'm sure he's trying to get a support system in place to do that, but that kind of threat is a bit over the top, IMHO. And legally, can he do that? Can he deny you or your parents visitation with the kids?

As to parents' role in dealing with adult kids' problems, I'm trying to think of what my folks would have said if my A had been exposed. I suspect they would have said something to the effect of "We hate to see you hurting and hope you can work things out, please let us know if there is anything we can do to help" followed by "no matter how things turn out, we still love you and are still here for you." I don't know if they would have meddled any further than that. Of course this is all just a guess.

Believer,

The job is going well and I like it. The funny thing about your last statement is husband says that I need to think before I speak.

Sorry to hear that you are divorcing, but I hope you find happiness.

GBH

Husband does threatening things alot and is manipulative, he doesn't ee it so it doesn't happen.

Thanks for opinions.

Happy that you like your job. Having a good job is so important when everything else in your life is so stressful.
I wish Eagle would be a little more resonable about the financial stuff.

Is it just me or is the fog thick in here today???

Not that Eagle should be threatening anything but if I was in his situation I wouldn't be letting my children anywhere near infidels in an active affair - not with the affair partner present that is.

Bigkahuna

I don't live anywhere close to my mother. She didn't have the affair. Why should she/kids be punished?
I believe that I do have a right to see the kids, even though I'm not perfect.

BK... adding onto EagleTooo's post above, I believe her A ended months ago. She and H and living together under the same roof trying to rebuild. Her H, Eagle, is making threats and being manipulative. His tactics include withholding money and threatening her and her family with being cut off from the kids if they D.

BK, where did you get the idea that there is an active A going on either by EagleTooo or her mother?

Certainly you have a right to see your kids. Absolutely. Sorry If I gave you any impression otherwise.

Your husband however has a right to keep your children away from your affair partner (not an issue if affair is over)

Children should never be used or treated as bargaining chips. Sorry if you thought I was implying otherwise.

As a FWW, I know that more than anything my parents are most helpful by listening and not passing judgment. Sometimes, well-placed questions and listening provided much more wisdom for me than judgments and accusations.