I'm planning on giving this letter to my WGF Monday afternoon. For history, here is the link:
Chaka I would really appreciate your feedback on the letter. Thank you.
March 12, 2006
Dear XXX,
This is the hardest letter I’ve ever written. I have loved you for so long and every single minute of every single day I still can't believe we, of all people and couples, are in this place, but here we are. I am so sad for what has happened to our relationship, to us, and to our family.
The past three months have been the most difficult time of my adult life. The pain and emptiness that I endure on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. My only saving grace is the memory of the love and laughter we have shared; of all the good times we have spent together; your extraordinary qualities that led me to want to spend my life with you; and thoughts of us being together someday again—happy. With all of my heart, I would still like to build a new relationship with you. I am willing to do whatever it takes to correct the detrimental patterns and mistakes we have made that have hurt us. I believe with desire and will we can, together, create a relationship that is stronger and more intimate than we ever thought possible. One in which we both feel loved, safe, and honored.
For the last three months, I’ve been working hard on myself and trying to give you hope for our relationship by learning how to be a better partner to you; to give you hope that you could return to a relationship and a life that you wanted—better than ever. As I have told you many times over, I am very sorry for the role I played in the breaking down of our relationship and for the mistakes I have made. I am sorry that I didn't pay more attention when you were withdrawing from me. I was ignorant to the ways in which my frailties affected you and how that helped create a void in our relationship – a void that that helped allow this affair to happen. I am very clear now regarding the places I was lacking in—I just didn't realize how important those things were to us and to the security of our relationship. I do know that now, and I know how to make sure these things never happen again. I would love the chance to prove that to you, and build a relationship where we both feel safe, loved, heard, respected and cherished by each other on a daily and permanent basis.
Though I thought I did, I have clearly realized that I did not understand what it took to have a successful and fulfilling relationship, or how to meet your needs—including your need to be listened to; your need to be fully respected; your need for physical closeness; and your need for quality one-on-one time together. I cannot sit here today and say that I now know all that I need to know about relationships, but I can honestly say that I have learned a lot in these three months—about me, you and our relationship. I want to learn even more about how to be a supportive and loving partner to you—the type of personn that I hope you would be proud to call your partner, which is the pride I have felt so many times when I called you my partner.
I have grown tremendously from this experience and I ask you to look back over this period and see the changes for yourself. No, I’m not perfect, but I believe I have made significant improvements. Most importantly, as you know, I have decided to, once and for all, finally confront the demons in my closet which have caused my life and our relationship the most destruction. It is a scary and painful journey, and with that healing, I believe that anything is possible—within myself and with us. Also, as you have seen, I have committed to, and have been pretty successful at nearly eliminating my yelling, irritability, jumping to conclusions and making mountains out of mole hills. I’m sure the anti-depressants help, but I’m taking most of the credit for myself. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Finally, I have been on a quest to immerse myself with knowledge about relationships, intimacy, and relating and communicating in a loving relationship. Whatever happens to us, these changes are permanent in me and I am a better person because of them. I feel much better about myself as a person and I think it shows.
The horrible pain, fear and humiliation I have suffered because of your decision to go outside our relationship to have your needs met, to separate, and to continue your relationship with OP is indescribable. Seeing and talking to you is a constant reminder of the pain that I feel and it is not healthy for me. While I get to see you and be you “friend,” OP is benefiting from that which completes the package—and the whole package is what I want and I believe I deserve.
I simply cannot see you, talk to you, and be your buddy under these conditions any longer. I am separating from you in order to protect myself from further pain and to protect my love for you until if and when you are ready to commit to rebuilding our relationship. In doing so, you must be willing to cutt off all contact with OP, as well as put in for a shift change which is different than OP's, and which will give us more quality time together.
Separating like this is not my preference. I’d much rather be a part of making you happy for the rest of your life. Not only I, but both Alexa and I, are a permanent reality, here for the long haul. We have a lot of good memories together as a couple, and as a family, and I believe we can all be happy again. I understand that you have your own pain and fears and that I am the source of some of your pain. I wholeheartedly believe, that these things are repairable if we are willing to try. I know such a decision may be hard for you and I will support any need you have in a non-judgmental way when or if you decide to recommit to our relationship. You can come to me in safety, knowing I will embrace you. Even if you’re not sure, I will understand and provide empathy.
I want you to know that I still do truly love you—with more passion now than I did in even our first months together. I hope you understand that I am not doing this out of anger, to hurt you, or to punish you in any way, but that it is simply to protect my feelings for you and to stop the pain for myself. This separation is a necessity to preserve my love for you and to avoid losing any more of the things we have shared together, and to give our relationship the best chance for recovery!
I believe we are a great team and that our relationship is worth it, Michelle. We can build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then, there will never be a need for us to separate again. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.
Of course, with the house, the mail and some joint bills, I realize that some contact is necessary, but I will keep this minimal and I ask you to do the same. We can communicate with through e-mail, text messaging or voicemail. I have put complete trust in your word regarding our house and finances and I hope that you will not react negatively or retaliate against me by going back on your word. Because it is extremely important for insurance purposes that you maintain our home as your “primary residence,” I ask that you continue to maintain that disposition and not submit a change of address with the post office or with your employer. As always, I will continue to mail your mail to you on a daily basis.
As far as xxx goes, I will not ever restrict you from seeing her. I think a relationship with you is beneficial to xxx and you may see her at any time you like. I would only ask that you do not introduce her to, nor have her in the presence of, OP.
In my mind I will keep a vision of us as a happy, loving couple where our needs are being met, our love tanks are overflowing and of a relationship that no others could come between. I know it can happen! I love you in so many ways-- as my best friend, my girlfriend, and my lover—my partner. Today and always, I love you – all of you – with every ounce of my being.
Chaka
THANK YOU IN ADVANCE FOR YOUR FEEDBACK. I appreciate it. I need to have this done soon.
