At 32, i found myself alone, betrayed, hurt, and completely confused. At the time all this began, i was with my husband 16 years, married for 7. I thought i was being the best wife i could possibly be...i let him go out with his friends to bars and clubs. always feeling a little wary, but not wanting to be the "bad guy" for saying he can't go. i took care of our daughter, the house, finances...all he had to do was love me!

he was molested as a child, and had a horrible childhood which was why i felt i had to "take care of him" and handle everything. he felt he was abandoned by his whole family and i had to let him know that i would never abandon him. little did i know this was going to blow up in my face.

there were 2 intimate affairs, and several "friendhips". at first, he blamed me for his low self esteem and his infidelity. telling me it was my fault that he didn't "feel like a man". the duration of the affairs lasted 3 years. all the while he would tell me he was done, when he was just creating a "safety net".
2 years ago, we were on the outs...he came to me and said he needed to confess all he's done because the guilt is killing him and he realized what he has.

boy, did i feel like i just got hit by a train. denial was never so apparent until that moment. the first couple of months was really rough...his withdrawls. finally, he started to change...for the better. finally being the man i always knew he could be. the problem is, i'm still so bitter and resentful that there are days i don't appreciate, or even care that he's changed so much. we've tried counseling, but he wasn't very receptive to it. i've gone for myself and have learned that only i can make me happy, and that i can't control his feelings or actions.
it's been 20 months since he's really been trying hard with this marriage...why can't i forgive and forget? the littlest thing can still set me off and i go ranting and raving about what he did. i know i have a lot to fix with myself and my self worth, on top of trying to deal with all the pent up anger.

does the hurt and betrayal ever go away???

"does the hurt and betrayal ever go away???"

I believe that depends on how much you learn about yourself, your control, and what you believe.

Why haven't you chosen to forgive (forgetting altogether isn't possible)? Why are you holding onto resentments you created, as well as those he did? Why do you give yourself permission to lovebust with rants/raves about what he did when he's not doing it in the present?

I can point you to a belief you have that was present pre-As and is still present. I believe recovery is about ferreting out the stuff you didn't know was so destructive before the A...and dealing with the natural consequences of the A.

In your post, you have this belief: "...i let him go out "
"always feeling a little wary, but not wanting to be the "bad guy" for saying he can't go."

This is the belief you control your H's choices. That being seen in a certain way by him MAKES you that way. This is balanced by you not seeing your own choices, hence, your power.

"which was why i felt i had to "take care of him" and handle everything." I hope you are implying that you now respect your H in a new way and yourself, is that correct?

"and i had to let him know that i would never abandon him."

You hear the same thing I was saying and that you made a false promise, correct?

And another biggee, I figure you now realize:

"all he had to do was love me!" You traded off chunks of yourself because of your own fear of abandonment. You get this now, correct?

I'm guessing, because what you get, I would love you to share...the old me believed this way, but I know better now. 'Course, that's my expectation playing in because I am a totally redone person from old/new and fear others seeing me as not new.

Jato...you are a marvelously made human being, complete and whole. You have found a fantastic place to find out how relationships work, why you're doing what you're doing and how to free yourself from the payoff you get from holding onto really yucky stuff.

Please read all the articles on the website about the lovebank (which you can block deposits your H is trying to make); lovebusters, Emotional Needs and how to recover from an affair. (Or multiples).

You're not alone...three other women posted this same week feeling exactly as you do. Search the forum for their threads...I do this by clicking on Active Topics, which brings up all forums and recent posts.

Welcome and thank you for being here.

LA

thank you so much for responding...
the hard lesson i've learned is that i thought my self-worth and happiness lied within my husband. my co-dependency on him is crippling which i think is why i hold onto the resentment. i feel i've given away my power and control which i never had in the first place.

my struggle with forgiveness is this...i feel forgiving him is condoning his actions, and i feel if i forgive him, it will happen again...unreasonable, i know.

i think by holding onto the resentment, and my reluctance to forgive is "protecting" myself. In actuality, it's hurting me. i'm building walls that i'm having a hard time tearing down.

my H has tried time and time again to reassure me. there are day when i allow myselt to beileve him, and others where i won't even listen.

jato

Did you see the thread I bumped for you in the Recovery forum...about temporary fixes or real recovery? Posted by Lovereborn.

Forgiveness can't be about condoning or approving of anyone's actions, can it? How would God forgive us if it were? Not just unreasonable...damaging. You're worth more than that.

Forgiveness is what you give yourself and your marriage. It is the acknowledgment that this is a union of humans...mistakes and wrong choices mean learning and the harm of learning is usually the benefit of knowing consequences...uhm, way after the fact.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Growing together is like yoga...hurts like a bear, but it is better to do it than to not do it. Stretches your core hurts, creates deep intimacy (unless you try to shut out the pain...which are you doing, btw...fear of intimacy?); it gives your marriage a limber, solid quality, with boundaries (can't stretch too far) that are mutually agreed upon, and O&H to a scary depth. Total acceptance.

All that is frightful to ex-codeps, like us. Want to fight our way back to before A and leave it alone, right there, dysfunction and all...so long as our fears aren't realized.

Rejoice! Your biggest fear was realized...and overcome. He's there. He chose you, honesty, you're his trusted best friend and most dear human, next to him.

This might be impossible if you believe (and may not know you still believe), that your marriage was perfect before he wrecked it.

Doesn't sound like you believe that here...in your mind...you own your part. Have you gotten that as a replacement belief, though, deep within you? Or of the thousands you hold, are a few of them, "Love means acceptance not rejection." "Love doesn't hurt." "Love is loyal and faithful." "Vows protect me."

We have childhood beliefs, teenaged beliefs...all those levels you've been through. Cultivate those and find them. They were as true as you could get at the time, but not very adult now.

Resentment is poison that you take and wait for the other person to die.

Yep...building walls protects no one...especially the sweet woman inside of them. They will destroy your marriage and only you are doing that.

Not within your H's loving power to reassure you. Your fears are your own, 100%. What you aren't believing is that you can survive infidelity, abandonment, replacement, aloneness and still be whole, valuable, lovable and wonderfully made.

Because you are.

And you did.

And it led to you getting to where you saw yourself hurting yourself for years and years...and you stopped.

You see the power of your choice...and you want to choose to love, forgive, and forgive yourself for having your worst fear come true and then surviving it. You're worth, Jato. You've always been worth it. You have a habitual belief you are not.

Time to replace that one, eh?

(((((Jato))))))

Take love as a verb and act it toward your H...eliminate your lovebusters and feel the joy of loving fully, without resentment..give that gift to yourself.

LA

I agree with LA - isn't she great? Welcome to marriagebuilders. I hope you will keep reading and posting here. You have a lot to learn from others who have gone through the same thing and went on to have wonderful marriages.

I got my own cheering squad, Jato.

Isn't she cool?

LOL!

:::doing a little happy dance:::

LA

thank you LA...you are great!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

i didn't see the thread...not sure how to get to it!

when i allow my H to love me, there is no place i'd rather be. my biggest hurdle...turn the negative into positive. i used to go around cursing all of the OW...now i try to tell myself they made him realize what he has with me, and he's back with me and giving me 100%.

it's been a long slow road...but i do see light at the end of the tunnel. i'm grateful i found this forum...it will help me grow to my potential.

i never believed we had the "perfect" marriage...i feel it's more perfect now then it ever has been...at least when i let my walls down. we communicate, laugh, love...all i've ever wanted with him. if i can heal myself enough to let go of the resentment, and to forgive, we will have an amazing marriage.

my biggest arguments happen with myself...with my own thoughts fighting with each other. the conflicts we have now are mostly because of me...my low self esteem, my almost non existent self worth...it usually gets in the way of any progress we are making. i need to find the strength in me to know that i'm worth all of his love and affection, that his apologies are sincere. i've beaten myself up long enough over this...it's time to finally be at peace with myself, and my dicisions.

jato