This is my first post after spending a lot of time reading the experiences of others at this site. I am a serial cheater,having been married 4 times and had at least one affair during each one. I am currently married to wife number 1 and swore that I would never be unfaithful to her again. I was loyal for 12 years but succumbed to the temptation when things weren't going so smooth in our marriage. We have been to MC and read several books, doing
the exercises in some of them. I have always been an introverted person pertaining to my personal thoughts and feelings and all of the efforts so far have helped me to open up more to my wife even though it is a struggle.

I haven't been able to let go of the OW even though I know that this realationship was built on lies and deceit. This affair has gone on for over two years. Always in the past, I was able to say it's over and never look back but this time I am having problems doing that. I say that I won't see her again but after awhile, I do. I agree with the concept that there can be NC if I am to rebuild a relationship with my wife. Problem is that I have been unwilling to make that
kind of commitment. My wife has stated that she is willing to do what ever it takes to make our relationship work and strongly believes that we can succeed if I am willing to give her the same commitment.

My problem is that I am pretty much emotionally dead right now and don't really care what happens. I know the tremendous hurt and pain that I have caused my wife but as she says, I haven't shown any remorse. I haven't because I don't really feel any. I take full responsibility for my actions and know that it was me that made the choice to be unfaithful. Problem is that I don't have much feeling one way or the other. Am I just a selfish, selfcentered cruel person with no hope for recovery or has anyone else been here? I'm not looking for sympathy but I would like to know if anyone else has found their way back from here or should I just get out of my wife's life and let her go find someone who will give her what she needs?

Welcome, D to MB...have you read all the articles? Have you had IC for yourself, to figure out the why of your serial cheating?

I got over my serial cheating by my H having an A. Have you been on the receiving end of this incredible pain? I don't recommend what happened to me as a cure. It wasn't. It was a step I had to get though, in order to get help to figure out why I was entitled to be a cheater.

Bet you've heard this one...An affair is full blown entitlement, fueled by resentment and a lack of respect.

Well, we do the entitlement ourselves, and we create the resentmnt...oh, yeah, and we don't know what respect is or the payoff in it...so, it is a self-inflicted mortal wound, as well.

I call it my necessary journey.

Why are you married to #1 again and how did you go 12 years not cheating but now have?

You might very well be a selfish, self-centered, cruel, stubborn, addict...but that doesn't mean there's no hope for recovery. If you want this to be the last time you disrespect yourself, get IC, stay here and listen intently to what others tell you. They've been here, done this...

As for not letting this OW go...that's all about you and not facing your pain, not a thing about her. She's like all the others...voluntary roadkill. There's a payoff in it for her to be used by a married man. That's hers, not yours.

Your payoff is what you need to find. What you didn't get in marrying #1 again was to WHY you cheat and how not to...self-control, willpower, suppression...those don't work. Owning your payoff will free you.

There are many parts of you and none of them are worth disowning...selfish, cruel, stubborn, manipulative, etc. You gotta own them all to lay some of them down. You have to understand why they are a part of you, and that you're not defective, but as wonderfully made, whole and complete as the rest of us.

You are.

Welcome.

LA

Thanks for your quick response. I have been asked that question several times; how would I feel if it happened to me. My wife says I would be gone quicker than a flash but I don't agree with her. Sure, I would be hurt but if I cared for her at all, I think I would want to find out why and what we could do about it. My wife and I were married the first time for 16 years, divorced for twelve and now remarried again for 16 years. We had two children that kept us in touch over the years and I guess, never really ended our relationship, even though we both remarried. Fortunately, there were no other children from either of the other marriages. I need to think about your questions a little more to make sure I try to answer them as honestly as I can and not from being depressed. Not exactly sure what you mean by my "payoff"

We don't repeat behaviors that don't give us a payoff. It can be a positive or negative payoff.

Thank you for responding so quickly.

I stayed through the pain...what I meant to tell you was that I couldn't get to how awful the pain really was until, well, it was. That's how far I had to go to get to where I learned. I was telling you about me so that you would know that it takes what it takes to really "get it" in this life.

I was more surprised at your ex becoming your wife again without you knowing exactly why you cheat. Not that she would have you--I get that part!!

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Were any of the other marriages to past affair partners?

I'm gonna bank on your honesty. You don't sound image conscious and you're very brave for posting.

I am wondering why you posted under Other Topics instead of the Infidelity General Questions II board, though.

Your choice.

LA

LA - sorry I took so long to respond. Trying to figure out how to move this post over to the infidelity heading. Have emailed the monitor asking for help. My BS and I were discussing your question about why she took me back before without knowing what caused my cheating. She was thinking about responding to that question but hasn't yet. I think ours was a story that has been repeated hundreds of times. A young immature couple getting married and having children right away. The husband feels neglected when the children are born, especially when the wife works as well. She feels
neglected because she doesn't get much help with the kids nor any understanding from the husband about why she is too tired for sex. Emotional needs weren't being met by either side and the love bank withdrawals were taking place at a rapid pace. Our communication was pretty much non-existant and neither of us had the knowledge to understand what was happening to us. Still doesn't excuse my decision to be unfaithful and look to have my emotional needs met outside the marriage.
As to the question of "if any of the other two wives were to the OW", the answer is yes to both. Hopefully this will get moved to the right place on the website.

I'm big on doing yourself projects...so I'm going to tell you how to move your post.

You highlight your post here and copy it (ctrl-c) Then you create a new thread in the Infidelity forum under GQII...you type in your subject (important, because you can lose your post if you don't)...then in the post part, paste your original post (ctrl-v). I only add the key strokes because another person here didn't know how to cut and paste. Not assuming you don't know...but not assuming you do, either.

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I'm having one of those days of hesitancy!

I accept your apology for taking a couple days to post. Please know that I've become really patient in recovery and feel your reply is a gift, whenever it is given. Honestly. I didn't always feel that way, so I understand where the sorry is coming from.

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I'm rejoicing that your BS and you were discussing my question. Knowing you both have open communication is terrific. A really great sign of recovery. It is a difficult question...can be taken as if there is blame when there isn't any.

One thing that differs with us serial cheaters than one-timers, I believe, is that our BS's will more readily understand they didn't cause us to cheat. It can't be something in them. Well, they can feel that way, but the evidence is that it is us and us alone.

So it is with one-timers, though since the evidence is inconclusive, so the BS might more readily feel that way.

I'm also relieved you got the meaning out of my sentence, "if any of the other two wives were to the OW"...reading that now I have to giggle...you knew I meant marriages were to OW's...geesh, I post too much. Not even listening to myself, huh?

Okay, so you have more information about yourself right there. Tell me what that says about you to you, if you would.

Your insight into the first marriage says you have a lot of knowledge now that you didn't have in the first marriage to your wife. I'm not hearing about this time, though. If you don't want to tell me, I'll respect that. I hope you will, because you deserve to know and so does your BW.

See you in the other forum...my questions will go with ya...heehee.

LA