I posted this on the Plan A/Plan B forum, but thought I should post here as well, to get more input. Anyway, here goes:

First off, little background - my H and I have been separated since mid-January. The A with a MOW, started in Nov., I found out mid-Dec. It's exposed, everyone knows. I know this for sure. My H is confused & is trying to find "happiness" as he puts. He is afraid of either decision, to leave the marriage or to stay in it...

My question is...how do you work Plan A when your children are involved? Plan A is supposed to be NOT talking about the A, the MOW, or the relationship. How can I not talk about the A or the MOW when my H has taken (against my wishes) our 4 year old DS around the MOW and her children more than a few times now? I am trying to protect our DS's mental health here and I do not think it is appropriate that my H keep doing this. He says he won't do it again and then the next time he takes him, he ends up doing it somehow. For some reason, this man who used to have such high morals and standards has just thrown them out the window and believes it is "OK" to bring our DS into that situation.

Any suggestions? Thanks!

*BUMP* Anyone, please help!

T, Plan A does not mean that you don't discuss the affair or your relationship. NOT AT ALL. And it most certainly does not mean that you allow your DS to be dragged into a sleazy, sordid affair. He should NEVER BE EXPOSED to this unfit woman. If you have to, contact a lawyer and have this specified in your LS papers.

A wayward spouse often uses the children to bring undeserved respectibility into the affair. Don't allow him to use your child to do this. My father introduced me to his ho when I was little and no one said anything. It caused ENORMOUS moral confusion in me as a child. It is your job as a parent to morally guide and protect him. So, please protect him from this affair and give him some guidance.

Here is a good def of Plan A by Pepperband:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Who told you that?

IMHO, you should express calmly and firmly to your H your disapproval of him exposing your child to the OW. Set your boundary. Not doing so is tacit approval.

But don't expect him to honor your position.

Exposing children to OPs might be the most gut wrenching thing for BSs. Sickening. Unfortunately there is little that can be done about it.

Do you have a legal separation? In mine I had added a provision that neither my wife nor I could have any opposite sex overnight guests while our son was in our custody.

T, we have many folks here who have had it written up in their seperation papers that the children ARE NOT exposed to the WS' affair partner. I would do everything in my power to enact that, if I were you.

Thanks. I was under the impression based on the thread called "Plan A Tips and musings" - it said no relationship talk at all. That's where I got it from.

We don't have LS papers & if we are doing anything it will be done thru mediation.

I have been firm about it but someway, somehow he still ends up doing it, even though he says he won't. I trust him and then he does it again. I guess he will have to stay at the house with DS from now on since he can't keep his word. It is just so crazy b/c the man I used to know would never in a million years dream of doing this. So sad.

This all just sucks. I just want my husband, our future together and my family back.

T, please sit your boy down and explain to him, in age appropriate terms, that his father is having an affair and affairs are IMMORAL. He will SENSE that his affair is wrong, but if you don't validate his senses and give him some moral guidance, he will be very confused and start to doubt his own instincts about right and wrong.

My mother failed to give me moral guidance about my father's affair when I was as young as 4 and it caused huge development problems. I concluded early on that i must be a very stupid girl since I was apparently the only one who sensed my fathers affair was wrong. Since the adults in my life did not validate my feelings, through their silence, my feelings must be WRONG.

And yes, it does suck. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />