This weekend was a bit awkward.

I was in the bedroom thinking... My wife came in and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was thinking about things, and was having a moment of concern over where our marriage was headed. She caught me completely off guard and said that things aren't going to work out. I was thrown for a loop. I asked her why and she could only tell me that she didn't want them to right now. We started talking, but then talking lead to a heated discussion. Next thing you know she's telling me that she wants me out of the house immediately. She goes and gets on the phone w/ her Step Mother in Florida and starts ranting to her about how she's fed up w/ me, telling her that we were arguing and that she wants me out of the house. Apparently her Step Mother started going off on her about something that I haven't been made aware of because she hung up on her. She then gets on the phone w/ my Mother and tells her that if she doesn't come get me she's going to call the cops??? At that point I was in tears... She then put me on the phone w/ her... I was trying to explain what was going on while still crying and my wife sits down next to me and tells she sorry and that I can stay. I didn't know what to say to that so I kept talking to me Mother and explaining what was going on.

Then, out of nowhere, the cops show up. Apparently my wife's Step Mother told her Father what was going on and he called the cops from Florida, told them we were having a domestic dispute? and had them come out to the house. We explained what was going on, filled out some forms and they left. Then, my Mother shows up. My wife starts telling my Mom her half of the story, I told her mine and my Mom suggests counseling. We discuss things some, my Mom tells my wife that me having a confidant was very innappropriate, but so is her "relationship" w/ this co-worker she's been doing things w/. We talked some more... I left the room for a minute to gather myself, my Mom comes back to the bedroom to see me and says my wife wants to go to counseling. I told her that was fine by me, she went out, had my wife look on up in the book and left.

We didn't talk to each other the rest of the day. Sunday comes, and I went to work at 4am until 8am. We didn't talk the rest of the day again... She slept for most of it or was out for walks and I spent time w/ my daughter. Later in the day, she asks me what I expect to happen. I told her that I was unsure, made the mistake of saying that I was wondering if she would change her mind and still ask me to leave. She said that she didn't know what was going to happen in the meantime, but she was going to go to the counselor and tell them the same things that she's been telling me for months. She said something about me needing help and left the room. This morning, she was wearing both of the necklaces the OM? bought her but took them off before we left. I asked her why... She said that he spent alot of money on them but as of today she is putting them away and not wearing them. She said she didn't want me accusing her of not making an effort. She talked to me a little in the car on the way to work this morning. She asked me what I did w/ the note I wrote her while she was at work last night that told her I hoped she had a good night, and that I was unsure of what to say or do right now. I told her that I unfortunately tossed it out because I caught our daughter trying to read it and couldn't think of anything else to do w/ it at the moment. I'm trying not to expose our daughter to any of this... She asked me one other question too or said something general that I thought was important but can't remember off the top of my head. Maybe something about counseling again...? I'm having a rough day and my memory isn't what it could be. I took the opportunity to ask her why she saved the letters I've written her over the past several months telling her how I've felt. She said it was because I took the time to write them and that she wasn't going to be immature about all of this.

So things started off in a way I don't believe they should have, but maybe something good has come out of it? I was hoping some of you could analyze our weekend, from what I've been able to piece together here, tell me what went wrong or right so I can work on making changes/improvemtns and keep doing the things that might work for us (if there were any which is highly unlikely.) She's told me that she doesn't love me now, that she doesn't want things to work right now, and is angry. Now she's going to call and make us an appointment to see a counselor? I'm unsure of where she is going here... Help!

I took the time to call her this morning and left a message on the home machine telling her I love her and thanked her for considering the counseling. I said I was unsure of her reasons behind doing it, but am hopeful that something good could come out of it. I need to research this site, read some material and start gathering my own info. The problem I'm having is that the only access to a PC that I have is here at work and my time is limited.

Any advice?

Thank you.

Has your wife complained about anything you do, or don't do? Now is the time to work on yourself. You need to make changes, and show her that you are changing, not just talk about it.

I think going to a counselor will help both of you.

She claims that she was happy before all of this, and that she'd still be doing special things for me and making me desserts if I hadn't screwed up. The thing is though, she's told me recently that the OM? is lazy like me. So there's one thing. She's always felt overwhelmed... I've seen it, but when I offer to help she delcines. I give her my entire paycheck every payday... She pays the bills, buys what we need, buys things we all want. I never ask for anything most of the time except forthings on my Birthday and Christms. She did alot of the house work and I'm trying to change that, though she's not really having it right now. She lets me make the beds, or do dishes and stuff while she's gone, but any decorational ideas are strictly off limits whereas that wasn't the case before.

It's not like I'm totally "lazy". I chop and stack all of our firewood after it's delivered, I start and maintain the fire all night while she does whatever. I carry wood inside from the shed every day when I get up. I take care of the trash if she doesn't beat me to it. I do what I can during the time that I have. I work days, she works nights, so there's a little bit of convenience in her doing certain things. She does get carried away though, and I definitely could help out more. I should do less offering and just take some more initiative... I've been doing that lately. She told our daughter that I was trying to be the new maid, and told me that my not doing things around house wasn't an issue. I told her that it may not have been, but my taking her for granted was part of it. She takes it upon herself to do more than her share, then stresses. I'm working on helping to relieve that, though w/ everything going on it's that much worse for her.

One thing I have blatantly done in the past, and I'm working on that too... Probably working on this one the most... I'm breaking myself of a habit of nitpicking things she does. Like, for instance, she's a little clumsy. It's not her fault, but I would tell her she needed to pay attention more often. She also hangs things on the walls crooked all the time... I'd either rehang them, or take them away from her while she was in the process and tell her "I'd do it the right way". She also isn't very handy when it comes to assembly projects. She'd try and do something herself, or help me out and when she messed up I'd get annoyed because I had to fix it.

I tend to act the part of a perfectionist, even though I am far from being perfect myself. I'm working on staying off her case about things like that, and it would actually help if I lightened up on myself in that respect. Everyone makes mistakes and when they do life goes on.

Alot of my problem has been that I couldn't let go of the past. Whether it was issues we'd had before, or things I'd done wrong that were pretty awful and I didbn't know how to make up for them... or me being used to the "old her' telling me I wasn't allowed to go here or there w/ this person or that one. She'd changed, but I couldn't see it.

Plus, I don't like change and easily fall into old habits. I'm forcing myself to do things I wouldn't noramlly do. It's helped improve my attitude. I spent most of my weekend w/ our daughter playing games, going for walks, etc... Instead of just sitting around, watching tv, playing video games... I took her to the store when I cashed my paycheck and then went to her school and played on the playground w/ her for a while. I've never done taht sort of thing w/ her w/out my wife. It was a nice change and we had a great time together this weekend.

I hope it will. I'm just worried that she's going for the wrong reasons, and that she'll give up on it before anything can come of it, let it go in one ear and out the other, or just get what she wants out of the experience and forsake the rest. That, or maybe she'll continue to talk to this OM? and that will definitely complicate things. I need to look into how to handle that situation. I haven't had time. If someone could post some tips here on that it'd be appreciated.

The only thing you have the power to change is yourself. You both work, so it would be nice if you did half of the stuff around the house. Don't ask her, just do it.

Spending time with your daughter is good for your daughter and you. Plus, most women LOVE having their husband do things with children. So you are on the right track there.

yeah... that was part of our problem early on. I was easy going and eager to please, but had a hidden temper that I was unaware of. She was jealous, untrusting and destructive. I couldn't understand how she could be like that, and tried to force her into changing. It was something she had to do on her own... I'm working on me now, and trying to let her handle things in her own way. Sometimes she lashes out, and I react instead of thinking and acting. I'm doing my best to stay focused. I've actually been using my need to do more around the house as a way to occupy myself and work toward that end. If I get thinking too much, i start to do house work instead.

I've always enjoyed spending time w/ our daughter, but now that my attitude has improved substantially I actually enjoy it that much more. I can't say that I see my wife caring, but right now I can't say that I don't understand either. She's more concerned that I'll take her to court for custody/visitation rights than she is about me getting in some quality time.

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to act around her sometimes. It's hard for me to be "normal" like she asks... she kind of traded that request in for "just hurry up and get out" recently anyway. Now, after this weekend, I'm waiting to see where things are going again. She had discussed setting up an appointment today w/ a counselor w/ my Mom this past weekend, but when I talked to her this afternoon she made no mention of having done it. I hope she's not backing out already.

When she lashes out, you need to stay out of her way. Don't yell at her. Go for a walk, or get busy doing something. One of you needs to be the responsible one, and that would be you (since she isn't the one posting here).

I was going out for walks and it was helping. Since this weekend, she has followed suit and started walking herself. She's actually been stealing my walking times. :O) For the most part, when she started needling me I would say as little as possible until she stopped and went about her business. This weekend was actually a very rare moment. She caught me off guard, and I had been having a rough day and nothing seemed to be helping me vent. I'm making the effort to be extra cautious now.

The irony in someone taking the role of responsibility here is that the whole time this has been going on she's been trying to tell me and everyone else that she's being the adult here. Her back up to that is that she hasn't kicked me out, or destroyed anything. The thing is, I'm pretty sure she would have booted me out before if she hadn't needed my paycheck to get by. That and not destroying my things isn't showing me that she's being responsible... I would assume that I could expect my things not to be destroyed reagrdless of the situation. I don't know. I haven't been perfect throughout all of this myself, but I'm not blowing everyone off and trying to run away from the situation.

Can One Spouse Save a Marriage? (Part 2)

I read this section of the site today, and have hope for our marriage. I'm still in the house, awaiting my wife's next move to make an appointment w/ a marriage counselor. She's been putting it off though. She keeps telling me that I should have accepted my screw ups and the way things are and moved out. She's told me that she doesn't love me right now, and that she is extremely angry and doesn't want things to work. Any other time, she would have ripped me apart for my mistakes, but this time is different. She's said that she wants to, but hasn't because she is being mature about the situation. Yet, she has also told me that she can't get past the anger and deosn't want to. Her personality has taken a 360, and she is constantly bitter. She says hurtful things to me all the time, and is completely shut off. I know I haven't been helping the situation. I've been trying to do the right things, but it's extremely difficult for me to accept that she doesn't care and could at any moment force me out of the house and take away my family. I don't mean to be selfish by staying, but my time w/ my daughter is precious and she is keeping me there for money and for whatever other reasons she hasn't discussed. Sometimes I think we are through, and other times I have my doubts. She still sleeps in the same bed as me, hugs me on occasion, does things for me like make my breakfast or makes desserts for my work parties and rents movies for us to watch. She says it's because she feels sorry for me and doesn't want to be a jerk in the situation. I'm not sure how to read any of her actions.

My goal is to try and repair our marriage while I'm still in the home if that's possible. I'm trying to make changes and not do the things that annoy her, but it seems that she is always annoyed regardless of what I do and I keep slipping up doing things that I know I shouldn't ex: crying in front of her, trying to discuss things w/ her at the wrong times, trying to convince her to work things out and letting me stay.

Any more advice on what I should be doing here would be greatly appreciated. I keep getting mixed reviews from people I know, from strangers on the net and from things things I've read. I'm making the changes in myself to the best of my ability, but I don't know how to make up for the lies? or if there are any other things I could be doing to warm her up to the idea of wanting to stay a family.

Help.. some more please!