It's been 1 year and 3 months since D day. When I first found it, he would sneak off to see ow, and spent some weekends away from home trying to sort things out.For the last 7 months my husband seems to have changed. He communicates more and treats me very well. He always is telling me he loves me and always will. He basically doesn't go anywhere without me anymore. If he is contacting her, it would be phone calls from work or a quick meeting (10 min) on the way home. These are my suspicions.He says he has not seen her for 7 months, but he will not tell me he won't ever see her. He says that he is doing the best he can. Our 25th anniversery is coming up.I've been trying to do 180's. Should i just go celebrate if he wants or demand to know where the marriage stands? If I didn't know about the affair, I would swear our marriage was great right now.He is very loving attentive and always doing things for me. I'm very confused. At first I told him to leave, but he fought me all the way. I am in limbo, but feel that ther are very positive things happening.

I can't offer much but my current situation is EXTREMELY similar to yours. My husband says that he won't contact his OW and will tell me if she contacts him. I have my doubts. Like you, my marriage and our relationship is good and really better than it was before the A. As much as the A hurt, the lies after the truth came out hurt much worse. I don't think I will ever be able to believe him again. I am trying to keep my eyes and ears open w/o being too sneaky or being obsessed with catching him.

I think you should enjoy what you and him have now and continue to rebuild your relationship, just keep your eyes & ears open. And I will too. [color:"blue"] [/color]

How long did it take your husband to come to that point? In the beginning my husband kept telling me he had to leave to find out what he wanted, but as time went on he gradually started saying things like, "I don't know if I could ever go." He use to look for apartmens and used trailers for sale, but has since stopped any looking for a long while. I just can't fiqure why the ow would hang on to him. She can see he reaaly doesn't want to leave. I called her one day about 7 months ago. It seemed like she was really upset that he told her alll these things about the future, yet still kept her hanging and not leaving and committing to her. She was supposedly his "DREAM" girl. I don't know why she talked to me, but that was the last time she would. What do you expect when you have an affair with a married man? Most never do leave no matter what they promise.

Its been 14 mths since the A was exposed & probably 8 mths since I began to believe he's being honest w/me. However, his OW is also married w/2 small children. Her H exposed the A by catching them at a hotel. Typical story, 15 yr younger co-worker, known as office flirt, began paying attention to him, as he said "coming on to him",needing advice, etc. until it happened. Our 23 yr marriage was not great at the time due to his not taking responsibility & drinking too much amd me mad about it. But, an A did not seem even remotely possible, I still have a hard time believing it as we've been together 30 years (her age), have 2 C (D-16, S-13). It still hurts so bad.

Anyway he left for a few days in the beginning, wanted to come back, OK, & then 2 weeks later I intercepted his voice messages to her that were sexually explicit on how he felt about her. He left again for 5 days (to get his head straight) & then cried & asked to come home again. We worked on making each other happy & all was great for a couple of mths. Although I had insisted on no contact, their desks were near each other at work & he eventually started acting weird again. I'm not sure what happened w/them but when I gave final ultimatum (I also called her & her husband) of me or her, he said me. She ended up getting moved to another floor, then left the company. We've been like on a honeymoon ever since, but I'm starting to get those vibes again. I don't know if it is just that we are coming back to sometype of normalcy or if he's been in contact w/her. Our kids still struggle with what happened but have also bounced back.

I have up my guard. I have never seen OW, & it bothers me. He has always told me that he loved me more, I was prettier, skinnier, & he was just infactuated w/her. Says he is sorry he hurt me, will spend rest of his life making it up...but TALK IS CHEAP, ever since he lied in the beginning to my face. I have told him over & over, to just tell me the truth. Now his company is moving to another building, and guess who works there! Yep, different floor but still...just when I had started to relax again.

Now back to you, I just wanted you to understand my situation. Did you read Dobson's "Love must be tough"? It is what sustained me during the darkest days and then some. I found that as long as I was strong & determined (on the outside) he wanted me more. It was textbook, as they say. So I think if you put her out of your mind, & work on you, it will eventually play itself out. He obviously loves you or he wouldn't be there.

Sometimes, I think mine is staying only because of the kids or our homelife, but deep down I know he loves me. It just gets into my head at times. He is just not the man I thought he was 2 years ago & I struggle with that. Sometimes I think that if I had an A, I could get past the hurt, but I'm smart enough to know that would just cause more pain and i would never want to inflict the hurt/desperation/suffering on someone else like I felt. I couldn't breathe during that time.

Your right about her though, she is just a fool for taking a chance w/a M man. But then so is he for leading her on & hurting you at the same time. Its easy for me to see that if you concentrate on your lives together that she will be cast aside & eventually move on. As obvious as that is to me about your situation, I wish i could make myself believe it in mine. I am just so scared that he could be lying again. My one regret is that I was actually nice to OW when I called her. I long for the day to tell her how I feel about her. I've never hated anyone but I feel like she took advantage of his weakness when we were having problems, & I hate her for it. But then in a sick way, our relationship is better than it has ever been. He puts me first for the first time in a long time.

Sorry this post is so long, you are the first contact i've made on this site, although I've been reading it now for a couple of months. Your story got to me with the timing, your age, kids age, etc. it made me decide to join in. I wish I had known about the site last year as no one I know really understood or still understands what I'm going through, but people here obviously do.

Remember, concentrate on yourself and being happy. The problem will take care of itself. We just have to believe & trust God to see us through as he is the true source of our strength. Take care.

Annie,
This was also my first post. I have been reading this site for a while. Our ow is not married. She was going through a divorce right when she started work at my husbands office.I know some people there that said she always would seek him out and sit down in the break room for lunch. In the beginning, no matter when I would pop in, she would always be around him. I accused him years ago of an affair with her, that he would just deny. I just believed him. I could not imagine this.He has told me some things she has said to him. It's like she is trying to talk him into leaving for a new wonderful life. These are her comments to him, "It won't be the same when you leave, it will be different. Your kids are going through a phase. They will get over it in time. Your at a crossroads. You just don't want to hurt anyone. You will feel guilty. I felt guilty when I left my husband and He abused me. I live you more than my children. They are my past." I also called him one day on his cell phone when he was with her. He thought he hung it up, but didn't. I heard her overing him money from her recent refinancing. She also says,"The cat is out of the bag, it's just a matter of leaving now." so matter-of-factly. That was about 10 months ago. I should call her x husband and find out more about her. I also wonder if I shoul go to her work and cause a problem.

I know what you mean because I have often thought of making a scene but it is not the wise choice, we would only come off looking like bitter, betrayed women. And to some extent is true, but we want to be better than that and not drop to their level. As long as you don't believe there is anything going on, drop it & put it out of your mind. Plan a weekend getaway for your anniversary. Somewhere romantic with only the two of you. YOur marriage is about you and him, not her. The more you two enjoy life, the happier he will be and not think he wants her. Act like she doesn't bother you anymore, it will make him want you more! Also, fill his needs, whatever they are. I go out of my way to compliment my H now. I never knew that he needed that before, but he does.

It sounds like both of our husbands never had to face the full consequences of their actions, so in a way they don't see the full extent of what they have caused. Mine had some of that because so many people found out about it, and he has lost some friends over it, not to mention respect. But nothing like losing the house, dual income, etc. to fully appreciate the whole picture. She's giving your H the fantasy side of how it could be and she sounds desperate. "I love you more than my kids" That is ridiculous. It is two totally different kinds of love, she is reaching. She sounds like she was begging, and he didn't take the bait. Do many people know about the A? Does she still work there? It sounds to me like he is on the up & up with you.

I told my H that any contact by him to OW would be the same to me as the A, and that I didn't care if her mother died, he must not contact her. But we'll see...I read somewhere that it takes at least 2 years to get past the worst pain, I've got at least 9 more months to go. I just want to relax again. But that may be impossible, as life is just not the same anymore.

Its time to get strong!!!!

Annie,
They do not work in the same office anymore. If they did I would not be putting up with this limbo. He says he has not seen her in seven months, but like I said before has not said he will never see her again, which is what I need to hear to go forward. No one at work really knows for sure except one women that I talk to. Everyone else might have had their suspicions when she did work with him. She's been gone from there for about 2 years, so that has most likely been forgotten. Why would it make him want me more if I act like I don't care about her? Just wondering. I forgot to say in my previous posts, that she has been divorced 2x. Of course nothing was her fault and both her x's turned into drug users or alcoholics. She has painted herself as a little victim.

When you say never see her again, is this literal or does it mean see her like them being together again?

I would want to know that if you and him have a bad argument, say in a couple of years when this is just a bad memory, will he contact her? Or if he gets bored again, or has a bad day, whatever? OR DOES IT MEAN that he never plans to betray you again but might run into her somewhere, and doesn't want to make this promise? Some people take everything literally, so just to make sure. If this is not the case, then does he mean that he can't promise that he won't go back with her?

It really doesn't matter, if he wants to see her no matter what he says, he will. People change all the time & cheaters lie. But, based on what you have said and the time that has passed, it sounds to me like he is where he wants to be and you shouldn't stress too much over this. Mine once told me "he might as well be doing it if I keep bring it up & questionning him all the time". I responded it shouldn't matter if he had nothing to hide & he said he guessed that was the price he paid for doing it in the first place.

And what i said about him wanting you more has to do with him seeing you as insecure instead of solid & confident. For some reason the OW can be pitiful & needy but in our case me must appear to be nonchalant about it & confident of our own self. Once I followed that advice is when my husband turned back toward me. As long as I was crying, upset...he was the confident one. Its psychology, i guess.
But I will never take it for granted, I will always double check everything when I get that gut feeling. what is it they say fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. I just don't know how I was oblvious to it, he was so stupid and I was so blind. I actually thought his drinking had taken over or that he had some type of medical problem because he acted so weird. HA