Hey, just got back from a few days away which were great, but everything has fallen apart since we got home. I am failing miserably at plan A. I feel like I have no control over my emotions and I start crying all the time. WH said last night that he doesnt know if he wants to be married anymore. He also says that he sees that I am not truly living- that Im going through the motions and he thinks that if he were out of the picture, Id start to move on and heal (wrong!) D-day was Jan 27, 6 weeks ago. Exposure to work, OW husband, and our family and some friends has occurred. He had contact (wotk related he says) last Friday, so I feel like we are starting over. I just dont know if Im doing plan A right ( actually I know that I'm not b/c I talk about relationship, OW, A, everything!) I need some guidance fast before he leaves! He said last nght that he doesnt want her, has no feelings, wont contact, etc, but he has never gone through withdrawal b/c from D-day until now, he wont admit that he misses her or thinks about her ( even tough they talked after I exposed to OW husband!

HELP!!!!!!!

For the marriage to recover, he needs to have no contact with the OW for any reason. Sit down with him and develop a plan for that to happen.

Dear Can't,
I'm sorry you are hurting. MB is a good place to be for you right now.

6 weeks is not very long. I am sure you don't yet feel anywhere close to normal.

I think we need a little more info to give you the best advice.

How long have you been married?

Do you have kids?

How old are they?

How long was the affair?

Was it emotional or physical?

I suppose it was work related from what you said above.

How did you find out about the Affair?

Sounds like you did a good job with exposre. Good for you!

How did work respond to exposre?

Is you husband still working with the OW?

Did your husband write a No Contact letter?

Are you in individual or marriage counseling?

Is counseling an option?

Is calling the Harleys an option for you?

Answer those and I'll be back. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there- I like your name - Don't you dare give up, ya hear?

Have you read surviving an affair?

me:29
ww:30
married 2002
d-day 1-27-06 found email from him to her expressing his love and her response. only physical contact was kissing- completely emotional affair.

there has been no letter of no contact.

affair was about 3 months before D-day.

no counseling- we are currently completing the Retrouvaille post sessions after attending a Retrouvaille weekend.

He wont attend counseling

I have read Surviving an Affair and refer to it almost daily!

I dont know if He's agree to calling the Harleys or not!

Ok, few more just to clarify- do they still work together?

Is switching jobs an option?

they do, but he is in sales and doesnt REALLY need to go to the office at all. No contact should not be a problem.... The first few days he agreed to a job change, then he backed out stating that he would be away from kids too much- shift work with weekend hours, nights, etc. He has really climbed the ladder at this company and doesnt want to go back down- it wouldnt bother me a bit Id rather be poor and happy, but these are not his priorities. He has complete power and I have none! He is always demanding that if MY behavior doesnt change, that he's leaving. He always seems completely annoyed anytime I have a bad day or get sad or "bring up the past."

He'll be away from the kids a lot more if the two of you end up divorced.

No contact is a must, especially for your peace of mind.

its so hard with wh! Last night he was saying that his feelings have nothing to do with OW, that he has no desire for her, etc. That he just doesnt feel in love with me anymore. He says he sees me just going through the motions and that if he were away I could heal. He just keeps saying "I dont know if I want to be married anymore." Its almost like it has nothing to do with OW anymore. DOnt get me wrong, Im no idiot. I am watching and checking out his actions as much as possible, not sure how to check the computer deal though. He does promise to stop lying and no contact with OW, but he hasnt written a letter.

It has everything to do with the OW. This is a common thing that wayward spouses will say to their betrayed spouse. It achieves two results:
1. Makes you think it's not about the affair, hopefully making you back off a bit so he can continue seeing his affair partner in relative peace.
2. Lessens his feeling of guilt. If he convinces himself that your marriage was doomed before the A even started, then what he's doing is not so wrong.

See through the crap, because that's what it is. He is in contact with her, you just haven't caught him lately.

His promises are meaningless at this point. Are you going to take the word of a man that is in the midst of an affair? He'll tell you the sky is red and convince you of it at this point. I'm sorry, but WS's are expert liars.

You say your vacation was great, but it got bad when you returned home. Did you notice a change in him once you guys got back in town? Did he start acting odd again? Sounds like their affair pickup back up after you got home.

You can install a key-logger free. Then you can check the computer.

But there is still the work contact thing.

Until contact completely stops it is going to be difficult for recovery to begin. As you see from him seeing her last week.

I hate to say this but if the WS is saying he needs to leave for you to heal, that seems to mean the Affair is not really over.

Will he do the EN quiz with you?

If he will not do counseling, please get your self to an individual counselor who is pro-marriage. I know it has helped me deal.

What did work do about the affair in the workplace?

Does your WS admit it was an A?

Does he want the marriage to work? Is this a new comment or one that he has been saying?

I think he would do th EN quiz if I ask him to.

he did admit to an EA.

Previously he has said that he wants the marriage to work, now he says he doesnt know, but he is willing to try.

He is now checking MY emails and confronting me about discussing OUR business with my best friend. HE avoided me all night last night and is now witholding sex until "things are straight."

I really dont think he has had contact this past week b/c OW is on vacation with her husband and he knows everything.

Her husband is aware, this is good. You and he should keep in touch and compare notes once in a while. If he is working with his wife to end the affair, then your chances of success are that much greater.

There is a very good chance the affair is not yet over, but just well hidden. I don't say this because of what you are posting in particular, but rather we rarely see it where the affair ends on the first try. Usually the affair partners hide and cause a few catastrophes before the thing finally ends.

This happens often. He thinks this 'private' stuff should not be discussed with anyone else, right? How dare you not help keep his affair a secret for him? Hehe.

He's trying to keep/regain control. He sees that you are taking it away from him and that's not what he wants. You are doing good, keep it up. Stick to plan A, but maintain your boundaries and strength.

cantgiveup. OMGoodness. Our situtaions are so similar. I'm kind of glad to read the things you are saying your H is saying to you. My WS is very quiet. He isn't saying much, but I feel he is thinking some of the things you are
saying your WS is saying to you.

My story: WS had his 2nd A 10/05. it was going on until Jan. He never broke it off. Claimed he just stopped writing OW. However from what I could tell it was still on.

MY WS refuses to share his feelings about OW also. I was a major LBer and have recently retired. I don't know if this has contributed to him not sharing his feeligns or if he just doesn't for whatever reason. However I wonder what WS is thinking. He is very manipulative with quiet and omission of knowledge.

Anyhow, I did exposure to WS boss and OWH last week. He was very upset with me. Has started talking to me again for now but very limited talk.

Anyhow, my WS was away from me for a while. When he returned and found about a a financial situation I cause he
livid. Began to say things, like I love you but... and wouldn't expound on this. Then he began to look into dv.

I put PC software on the computer and found out he was having an A.

Anyway, i think that my life has been far too focused on him leaving me and I've made decisions this way. I've learned that now I need to live my life for me. I'm working on dealing with my shortcomings. Such as my need to control. Boy is this hard work. And I'm trying to get on with my life, whether he stays or goes. Even though I am now trying to work on my M, I don't want to be governed by the fear that he might leave.

Maybe we can encourage each other on this journey we are on. Hang on and keep trying. It is hard. We make mistakes, we learn, we move on. Please post to my thread any time. It is called: Seeking experience and attention to detail.

A poster on my thread is Lovinganyway. She has been a god send, just a wondeful lady. Oh my, I can't say how much she has helped me. If it is ok, I will post to your thread also. i'm new, learning. I wish you the best in this endeavor and pray all goes well.

reallyconcerned- I am a major LBer too (newly reformed) I did dj, angry outbursta, everything! I have done the whole "you need to find God thing, and he agreed- on D-Day. Now he just says Im preaching, so I stopped. I just pray out loud all the time and it kills him!

I also exposed to boss via boss's wife (my friend) but boss hasnt confronted either of them. Wh is so pissed that the level of exposure is so high, and I intend on increasing it as much as I can, I mean what have I got to lose? I think more of his friends need to know- not that most of them would hold him accountable, but at least I have exposed!

I need to install something on comp, b/c since OW h knows, they can only contact on work email ( I have access to his laptop, OW H has no access to her pc)

They also prob talk on cells- his changing phones would be impossible (job) and would do no good (they work together)

I guess he is just now entering withdrawal, b/c until now he showed no signs, but since I told OW H and they have been working on their M, he has definitely changed his attitude. Of course, he blames the change on me, but.....

LOVINGANYWAY_ I would love any advice you could offer as well! I feel very lost and afraid. I too am trying to not be governed by the fear of him leaving. I have 2 small children who need me to be happy and loving to them!

Ok, hang in there cantgiveup. I hope and pray all works out. I see that you think WS is entering w/d because of OW and OWH working on M. How are you handling this, possible w/d? Have you discussed NC letter?

We discussed NC letter, but he hasnt written one, he says they have discussed NC on the phone, but then after I exposed to OW H, they OBVIOUSLY contacted each other. He openly admitted it, but I asked him due to OW H emailing ma and saying that OW told him they had talked earlier in the day. They then both lied to each spouse about WHO did the contacting, then WS told me that it was HE who called her, but just about business ( he has a boss that he can calll to check in with - didnt need her!)

So after this contact which was Fri, march 3, I dont think they have talked, but what do I know? Since then, we havent discussed NC letter, b/c now he is blaming his wishy washy behavior on me and not on feelings for OW. he continually says he is not talking to her, doesnt want to, etc etc etc

cantgiveup, ok on NC letter. What about any ENS. Are there any personal improvements you are working on that WS has expressed is an EN for him?

he hasnt done ENS yet, we have been doing Retrouvaille, and he is starting to refuse to dialogue every night, we made our weekend on 2/10 and I thought we had made huge progress over that weekend. Looking back on the letters from that weekend, you would have thought his heart was in the right place, but he has definitely turned a corner. He's been ignoring and avoiding me all day today after refusing affection last night. We have had an extremely active sex life since D-day, so this is definitely a red flag of SOMETHING, just not sure what!

EXPERIENCED MBers- take a shot at what that suggests, PLEASE!

so, ENS may be a lost cause at this point. He stopped saying I love you today also.