Quick background. I am 56, WW is 53. We have three adult sons. Our marriage and family have always been fulfilling for both of us until a few years ago. I became ill and had to leave my job. I had a number of symptoms including deep depression and severe headaches. My primary doctor diagnosed the headaches as sinusitis. After the diagnosis, I took the medicine he prescribed but continued to decline. On a follow-up visit, I told my doctor I could not take the symptoms any longer. He read my entire file and sent me to get a CT scan. The CT scan was negative. The ER doctor referred me to a neurologist who specialized in migraine headaches. I was diagnosed with migraines. Curiously, my symptoms persisted. I finally decided to change doctors. The new doctor sent me for an MRI and I was subsequently diagnosed with a brain tumor. During this time, my WW became withdrawn. She had leaned on me as needed during our entire marriage. When she could no longer do so, she withdrew.

One night after several glasses of wine she told me she wanted a divorce. I asked her why. She gave me the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” speech. My heart sank. I knew instantly what it meant: she was having an affair. I asked her was there someone else and she denied it. Over the next few months, I became suspicious of her activities. Long story short, I confronted WW in early December 2005 about her A. She continued to deny. Finally, on 1/15/2006, she confessed her affair. She puts her A at one year in duration; I know it was longer, possibly three years.

I joined MB and bought the SAA book. I learned about Plan A and Plan B, EN, LB, etc. I drew up an agreement by which she would need to agree for us to reconcile. The elements of that agreement included the following:

1. NC with OM
2. MC/IC
3. Transparency and restore truat
4. No secrets
5. No friends who are not friends of our marriage.

She agreed to all but number 5. Her two best friends are multiple divorcees who both abandoned their families to be “free”. She is highly influenced by them. When I failed to secure her agreement to number 5, I proposed another element. Reach out to those friends who are in long-term stable, loving marriages. This would act to counter-balance negative friends’ influence. She refused to do this because she was too ashamed to tell stable friends. I found this paradox to be very interesting. Nonetheless, we forged ahead with Plan A based on the first four items.

A week later, I learned that she talked to or met the OM the day after Dday. Then on 1/27/2006, WW was 2.5 hours late coming home from work. She arrived with no excuses other than I was reading the cards at Hallmark. Regrettably, the situation was too much for my fragile emotional state at that time. I got very angry. We shouted at each other like never before in our marriage.

Over the next several days, WW rejected the agreement to attend MC/IC. She also started taking phone calls and talked to the caller in the back room which is a long way from the living room. She did improve on the transparency issue but periodically would disappear off the radar screen for one to three hours. I reminded her again the terms of Plan A. We went through such cycles at least three to four times with her violating the terms of Plan A. During this time, she was always demonstrably angry and extremely negative.

Finally, on 3/8/2006, I moved out and by default implemented Plan B. The reason I moved out is because the house is in her name. It was put in her name as the result of retitled assets as recommended by our estate attorney. She refused to go so I did. The same day I exposed her affair to everyone I could. I finished the next day. The people I exposed to inlcude: our sons, BIL, FIL, OMXW, OMDS and friends. She has denied her affair to everyone who has contacted her. She will not take FIL’s call. I should make a note here that my WW is Latin, specifically from Puerto Rico. In the Latin culture, it is generally accepted that men cheat. A woman who cheats can be disowned by her family. Disowned by a Latin family is serious business. It basically means she is dead to her family. I did not take this step lightly.

I am currently visiting my oldest son. WW learned I was here and sent a barbarous message to me through DS1. She said she was filing a restraining order against me and to stay away from her and her house. Later that night, she told DS2 and DS3 that she was going to kill herself. These two sons stayed up very late that night calling her relentlessly to ensure she was okay. They continued the calls the next day. She is fine, but she used our sons as pawns in her tawdry little game. This upset me more than the A, the lies and the deceit. She continues her charade. She told DS2 and DS3 that I had pushed her and pulled her hair. I have never so much as lifted a finger against my wife. I have utter disdain for men who beat or mistreat their wives in any regard. She knows this. Part of this sad reaction is her temper and part is her negative friends.

I have maintained NC with my WW since moving out. The entire ordeal has been a lot at one time. She has done nothing to R except some improvements in the transparency portion of her life. I had a bad day yesterday as the effects of moving out and WW manipulating our sons hit home. I felt guilty for moving out. It goes against every fiber in my being. I felt like I was abandoning my WW.

I thought I would post my story today and see what feedback I get. If you think I erred, be frank in telling me so. But please offer some concrete suggestions as to what I can do now. If I need to add things or subtract things from here, please tell me that as well. If I am on the right track, let me hear that also.

Thank you.

ToddAC,

I know a lot of people here will tell you to get home immediately, but with the threat of legal action (TRO) and suicide, I think it best that you stay put. She is pulling out all the stops in trying to get control of an uncontrollable situation.

Consider this a WS initiated Plan B and stick with it. Read up on how a PROPER Plan B is run and follow it to a T.

BTW your 5 points for reconciliation are the gold standard to your M continuing. You will be under a LOT of pressure to practice appeasement.Stick to your Plan and resist the temptation to accept anything less than all the ingredients necessary for your M to survive long term.

Best of luck

Just as Cy predicted, I say move home.

Call her bluff on the restraining order and suicide threats. What would be the basis for a RO?

Suicide? Right. Very manupilative and exactly how many times have we heard that before? Plenty.

So, do your children believe her or you?

Another issue - even if the home is in her name, an assuming you live in the US, you may live in a community property state which means you "own" half the house anyway. Get an attorney's help on this.

JMHO

WAT,

I predicated my advice on me also being married to a Latina <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Cymanca,

Thanks for the feedback.

When you say I will be under pressure to practice appeasement, who would the pressure come from?

Also, thanks for the reassurance on the five R points.

Oh yea, Cy! Well I was married to an ALIEN! So THERE! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

OK, I certainly don't know that any cultural differences matter wrt restraining orders and suicide threats. Maybe they do. I'll plead ignorant.

WAT

WAT, I have read a number of your posts and greatly respect your knowledge. Why do you say I should move home?

There is no basis for a RO but apparently there needn't be. She could file the RO with the police and a court date would be later set for WW and I to tell our sides. She said this to DS1 while drunk so it may never materialize. OTOH, WW two best friends love to live vicariously through her and they will use any tactic designed to cause us to divorce.

Sons believe me even as I tell them to not take sides. She is their mother and I want nothing to interfere with their relationship. However, WW is doing everything she can to "win" sons over to her camp. They readily see the difference. She continues to shoot herself in the foot. OM is cunning and clever and has warped WW's mind.

And, yes, the suicide threat to sons was a cruel act of manipualtion.

Thanks again.

Cymanca,

I am familiar with many aspects of Latin culture. What difference does my being married to a Latina make on my sitch?

Thanks.

ToddAC,

Appeasement temptation will comes from all sides, your WW, your families and most probably from any counselor that your WW may or may not engage. None of your 5 points is unreasonable, but you will be told quite the opposite. Now if you demanded that your WW wear a scarlet A on her forehead that is an obvious unreasonable demand. Giving in and permitting her to modify your stipulations, gives her the opportunity to retake control. If you want your "alien" WW to call the shots, by all means placate the h*ll out of her. Be prepared that ANY reconciliation will be doomed to long/short term failure.

I repeat, get out of her range and her rage. Rage can only be a succesful tactic if the object of that rage stays within sight of that persons perimeter.

Give her nothing to rage at and soon she will be raging against the proper enemy....herself

Very simply because working on a marriage is easier that way. Plan A is more efficient that way. And the BS moving out (vs the WS moving out) makes conducting the affair easier for the WS - at least if the WS moved out, that's consequences that have to be faced.

That said, assuming you move back in, your wife could be successful in ultimately having you removed - depending on the specific legal situation in your locale.


Hmmmm, I think I disagree. There HAS to be a basis for an RO. The basis may not be true, but no judge is going to issue an RO just because someone asks for one. Get an attorney's view on this. There DOESN'T have to be a basis to seek an RO. So yes, you may get drug into court and have to tell your side. This could be a humbling experience for your wife. But the whole RO thing sounds like huff and puff to me.


Don't tell them not to take sides. Tell them the truth and let the cards fall where they may. The whole point with exposure is for the WS to sense disapproval from others. Disapproval from children is about the most powerful disapproval there can be, IMHO.

So, regarding moving back home, only you can make this call. Maybe first get a legal opinion that considers your exact situation.

If you were still in the house, I don't think anyone here would recommend you leave. But that's water over the dam. Just because you did is not the end of the world.

WAT

Cymanca,

I have stayed out of WW's range except for her using sons to carry threats back to me. I have since told DS to not pass any of WW comments to me unless they constitute an emergency.

After calming from the initial emotional impact of DD, I have been calm and have been clear that I wanted to R. She agreed initially but then would not adhere to the terms. In no way have I asked her to wear a scarlet A on her forehead. I followed the tenets of Plan A as much as possible. I also talked about our future in positive terms. It did seem to help inspire her but she would sneak away the next day to go see OM.

The only flack I am getting presently is from exposure.

Todd,

Think carefully on this one….

What is your end-goal?

I know from a past life and an alter-ego you do not want reconciliation. You want this over with.

I read in your posts some (subconscious?) hope for some way back for you and wife. Things like you are still allowing her to and her reactions concern you.

Whether you should go home or stay put depends a lot on how you answer this.

I am quite certain of one thing: you should try to distance yourself from the storm created by the exposure. For the next couple of days there will be threats of suicide, offers for you to take everything and threats of leaving you broke. All intermingled and garnished with denial, accusation and misinformation. Don’t be around to either feed off that or fuel it. If you have any possibility of getting away for a couple of days then now is the time.

WAT,

Poor choice of words on my part concerning RO. What I should have said is that no proof is required. The RO would be fueled by her rage and desire to get back at me for exposure.

Initially, I did not tell my sons to not take sides. I gave them information including exposure and let them decide. WW has campaigned heavily for their support and they have turned that back to me. Only then did I indicate my desire for them to remain neutral. If WW keeps attacking me to them, they will see the light, I believe.

Bigger,

When I moved out, I truly believed our marriage was over. I was prepared for divorce. Partly because WW did almost nothing to make Plan A work and because I knew the sting that exposure would bring to her. Churn in negative friends influence and the future was bleak for our marriage.

Nothing has changed. But then, I have no idea what lies on the other side of exposure. WW has a temper and it is in high gear. If after calming from the exposure storm, WW wants to make things work, I will discuss it. She would first have to agree to the terms of Plan A and stick to them. I would at that time give Plan A one more try. If she refuses to abide by the terms again, it’s over. Again, I do not think WW will want to make it work, hence I have prepared myself to accept either outcome.

Based on this, I'm wondering if you understand Plan A. Can you describe what your Plan A has consisted of?

Yes, this is a test. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WAT

When I implemented Plan A, my first goal was to separate WW from OM. I did this is a calm manner and tried to avoid LB's. I also tried to fill as many EN's as I could. I already described the conditions I developed for R to have a chance. I cannot be more specific than this because this was a few months ago and WW has since hidden the book SAA.

I think I understand that the course is not to do Plan A, then switch to Plan B and back to Plan A. Plan A was going nowhere so I devised my own deviation from SAA.

Hmmmmmmmm. (tapping fingers)

And what faults of yours did you identify, fix, and demonstrate?

WAT

One complaint that WW had was that I did not help around the house as much as I should. Absolutely correct! As a result, I cleaned the kitchen, made the bed and picked up on a daily basis. Regularly, I vacuumed, did laundry and dusted. She cleaned the bathrooms and mopped the hardwoods. I also started cooking more of my meals. I dropped eight pounds in a week as a result, lol. All her other complaints had to do with my illness. She did not take it well. She started her A after I got ill.

I have always been affecionate, caring, considerate and given her many compliments. She is a beautiful woman and I told her that often. She is 53 and looks no older than 40. She is not one to accept compliments well. She accepted them better before her A. Maybe she wanted admiration from the OM and not me. Noneless, I am expressive in my relationship with her and I continued.

She started a new job several weeks ago. She lacked the confidence to go after this job so I boosted her confidence by reassuring her how smart and good she is on the job. She finally got the job and then hated it. Every day she walked in from work I listened to the same negative self-talk. The company is no good. The people she works with are no good. The job itself is terrible. She did not know if she would make it or not. Again, undeterred, each day I would pump her back up and she would be fine until coming home from work the next day. Earlier she announced that she wanted to get credit cards in her name only. She had a card from my accounts or we had joint accounts. Within a short period of time, she had charged two credit cards to their limit. I have no idea what she spent the money on. I never asked. Then she started complaining about the job and her bills. She became negative 90% of the time. I am a very positive, even-keeled person and have always been able to help her through this period. I could do nothing this time. My guess is her heart pined for the OM.

OK.

I just wanted to make sure you weren't missing the important aspects of Plan A.

I was alarmed when you said your goal was to separate your WS from OM. You know you can't do this, right? You can only compel the WS to stop the affair via exposure and fixing the bad juju you brought to the poor marital environment. Only the affairees can separate themselves.

WAT

Hey ToddAC,

When I read your thread title, the first thing that came to mind was frozen dinners. I see you are getting far better advice than that so I'll just keep quiet.

I am sick as a dog but I will email you later. Much later.