Myrta,

I can understand how you must feel. Unfortunately time confers no eraser. Do you know what a wonderful thing it is that you have healed yourself? I would give the world for WW to have your attitude. If even she could show an ounce of remorse I would be grateful.

I still love WW very much. She has always been the love of my life and she knows it. I cannot turn my feelings off after 36 years of marriage and three wonderful sons. I long for the innocence in our marriage and our family.

OM is from US. To add insult to injury, OMW told WW that OM hated every minority group in the US. That was not his language but you can guess what OM had said. So here is my WW, a Puerto Rican who falls into a group that OM hates. My wife was a special person and very easy to love. I believe that OM had never before known a Latin human being on a personal basis. He lowered the shield enough to allow himself to have the affair with WW. OM is a teeming paradox.

As far as WW’s coldness, her best friend (BF) and next best friend (F#2) have both been divorced multiple times. They both deserted their families to be “free”. BF lives with a married man who deserted his family. Both friends hate marriages and people who are happy in them. WW is influenced by their advice. I have since learned that both were enablers of WW affair. I have asked WW to reach out to friends who are in long-term loving marriages. This was my attempt to get her positive support to counter some of the negative support she has been getting. She said she could never admit her affair to her happily married friends. See the difference? She can blab about it with friends who are not happily married but not to friends who are happily married. Why? Happily married friends would not approve of the affair and she knows it. Moreover, she was too ashamed to admit it to loving friends. She turned to friends who would tell her what she wanted to hear.

Myrta, I have no idea what is going to happen with our marriage. Initially I was dedicated to doing everything I could to preserve our marriage. WW would not end her affair and would not express any remorse. I began to feel our marriage was doomed. When her negativity started affecting my health, I moved out. She is livid that I exposed her. I don’t believe she will ever forgive me for exposure. Having said that, I would expose all over again knowing what I know today. It was justified.

ToddAC,

Send me an email when you can. You said something that I want to comment on. I'm home for the weekend so don't have your email address here. Did you get the sleep meds like you promised?

No sleep meds. Long story.

Todd...you sound so nice..its a shame your wife is not appreciating what she has, and she might lose if she does not change "pronto"!!! That is a long time,(36years) to forget all the love you both shared.

Does your wife knows the OM is a bigot?? I would not like to be with a person that has such low oppinion about my ethnicity. Maybe your wife has low self esteem? According to myhusband, all WWs have more or less low self esteem. Maybe thats a true statement.

You know Todd...one thing for sure...if my husband had exposed my affair to my family..I dont know if I could had forgive him. It would be so devastating for me, that people are pointing and making ugly conclussions about me. Your wife must be feel very bad...you understand that, no?
But on the other hand, I stopped the affair right on DD, there was really no need of exposing. To me thats further humilliation to both spouses BS and WW. I dont think exposure works positive or well all the time. It depends on the cirmcunstances, and what kind of background the people have.

BUt she is probably feeling a lot of pressure now, and that will make her "wake up" from her drugged state. When everywhere she turns, people are looking at her and asking her if she is having an affair. Thats a lot of pressure, that might make her drop the OM and redeem herself. Lets wait and see! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

So, who is cooking good food for you? Good rice and beans? Do you like "arroz con pollo"? How many times have you been to PR??

Myrta

WW used to be nicer than I am. Post affair, she is a monster.

Yes, WW knows OM is a bigot. Apparently, OM had never been exposed to any Latins before. He held beliefs that were formed based on his own misguided monolithic perceptions. Such is the glue that holds bigotry together. When he met WW, I am guessing here, he discovered that Latins are individuals just like any one else. WW is a beautiful and was a sweet woman. At 53, she looks no older than 40 or even 35. Then WW became a target. The rest is history.

WW has a mixture of confidence and low self-esteem if that makes sense. She is smart beyond belief in certain areas. What made our relationship productive was that she is smart where I am dumb and vice versa.

I understand about the risks and consequences of exposure. If WW had gone NC with OM on DD or reasonably soon thereafter, I would never have exposed. Exposure is a tool kept in the quiver until the need for deployment. I was very judicious in the use of exposure. Some say too judicious. I do understand she feels very bad. She has yet to take the call from her Father because she fully understands the wrath she will feel through the phone. FIL has respect and shame stuck in his throat. The reason I exposed was because WW was in process of losing her sons.

I hope she drops the OM, if not for our marriage, at least for her own good. OM is indeed bad news.

Rice and Beans! I haven’t had that in over two weeks! It is my favorite food. I’m sure others reading this are wondering: rice and beans? What’s the big deal? You have to taste it to believe it. Yes, of course, I love arroz con pollo. I have been to PR twice. WW has been several times since she moved to the US. Still lots of family there for WW.

Wow Todd, your WW reads like my 1st wife! If it was not for the age difference, I would say she is. Maybe my 1st is one of the others enabling the A.

When I moved out because of OM(s), she became pregnant with OM and asked me to return. Since we already had two children, I returned as I didn't want any other guy to be any type of father to my children.

Still, life was diffucult with her. She would run to PR at the drop of a hat, and leave me in NY working to try to afford her expensive lifestyle.

Finally, she left us after 19 years of marriage. Since then, she has been married 4 or 5 times and is now living alone (I think) in Palm Springs. After being a single parent for 5 years, I married my wonderful 2nd wife. We celebrated our 20th anniversary in Oct 05.

I tell you all this because I can feel your pain and confusion, and to let you know that others have been in your shoes and came out the other side with battle scars, but feeling fine.

Hang in there. Work on getting yourself well, and be ready for whatever your WW comes up with.

Hmm,,,maybe your wife has simpathetic symptoms, and she is not herself. Because the way you describe her, she sounds so different..like two complete different women. While I was in the affair, I never became a monster with my husband. I pulled away from him emotionally, and maybe physically, but I still cared for him. I still did all my wife-housewife duties in the house.

Maybe she does not want to talk to her dad, because he is going to put a lot of pressure on her to break up with OM, and she is not ready to do that yet. She is buying herself some time before getting the courage to call or accept her dad's call. What about her mom and sibblings? Has she talked to them?

Todd...if you were in the east coast, close to Washington DC. we would invite you for some rice and beans!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
You need to eat well and take care of yourself. Worry about your health right now,more than anything else!!

Myrta

ToddAC,

You are not that far away. I think you should accept Myrta and Stan-ley's offer. Stouffers is going to get pretty old very soon. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

RAG,

Thanks for your comments. I am happy life has turned out well for you. Funny, WW lifestyle has become expensive also.

I'm not familiar with this term. What does this mean?

Myrta,

I am in Atlanta. Coincidentally, DS1 is a commercial photographer and is in Washington this week to shoot the Jeff Foxworthy show. Rice and beans hmm....let me get out my map.

She does not want to talk to FIL because he will be very severe with WW. He clearly will tell her she needs to stop seeing OM. MIL died in 1999. I also exposed to oldest BIL who has talked to WW three times; she continues to deny her affair to him.

Thanks for your comments.

traicionado,

You have been away from the US for too long. It is 639 miles from Atlanta to DC. Not that the rice and beans wouldn't be worth it...

ToddAC-

Hon, I know how badly you feel that your WW is acting this way.

But you STILL need to Plan A her. Plan A shows her that your marriage is a viable alternative to the *A*.

I think most WS's refuse to fill out the Emotional Needs questionnaire. So I suggest making an eductated guess as to what those needs are, and concentrate on the top 3.

They are all venomous and hateful, even while you're plan Aing....you see, you're being nice and thoughtful to her, while she's being so awful to you....it won't make sense to her, it will make her begin to doubt what she's doing.

Be kind to your enemy's.....It really get's them confused!!!!

Todd, I implore you to start Plan Aing her. YES it's your sole responsibility, as she is so deep in the fog she won't be any help whatsoever!!!

Send her some pictures of happier times, perhaps when you were on vacation, or a family holiday. (Send copies of the pics, not the originals). Send like 1 a week, and just say things like "This was so much fun, we were very happy then" and "Nothing is more important than family". (By the way you have something the OM will NEVER have....he will never have history with her, he will never have a family with her.....he will NEVER compare to that)

Send her favorite flowers, or her favorite perfume, with just a note...."You are loved"

When you talk to her, repeat what she's saying to you. If she says "If you would have treated me better this never would have happened" You say: "I hear you saying that you felt like I should've treated you better"

Make sure you use "I" statements when you do talk to her. Don't say "You make me feel like a piece of trash" (Just and example) because she's not "MAKING" you feel anything, it's a reaction you are having to how you are being treated. Say things like "I feel hurt when you do XXXX" Keep making "I" statements, it's much less confrontational.

Be prepared for either no response to your Plan A, or possibly even an angry response, because you are making her feel guilty about what she's doing (as well she should).

But believe me, as angry as you are about your treatment (and rightfully so), put it aside and be loving towards her.....then after you talk to her beat the crap out of your pillow or something.

I wouldn't stop your son from confronting the OM, but he should actually be telling your WW exactly how he feels. This is a GOOD thing, for him and your WW both.

You have to break this fantasy bubble that they're in....Plan A will help. It begins to confuse them.

Then, after you've done a FANTASTIC Plan A, go to Plan B and she will miss the EN's that you we're filling for her......But believe me PLAN A is the beginning of the end of the Affair.

God Bless You Todd, and I hope that you are feeling better.

What type of treatment are you receiving???

I know you're angry that she could do this to you in your time of need, and believe me she feels guilty....that's why she's being so nasty to you. She HAS to make it your fault in order to justify the affair.

Please Plan A. Check out another copy of SAA from the library if you can't afford another one. Or go to Amazon.com.....I just got Dr.Phil's book "Relationship Rescue" on there for 88 cents!!!!!!

God Bless,

-Caren

Todd:

Regarding your wife’s apparent evil behavior. Folks in affairs will do just about anything for a fix. I understand the desire for the romance and SF and all that. However, to achieve those goals they will sell their baby to a stranger if they have to. What seems like lying and evil to us is nothing to them---no big deal. She may revert back to normal once out of the fog. Hang in there!!!

Caren,

Thank you for your post. You have some great ideas.

There is no way I can now move back home. If and when she calms from the sting and rage of exposure, I may be able to.

One of the tools I used while still at home was to paint a bright future for us. She has talked about moving to a lake community 90 minutes from here. I would like to move there also and let her know that. She wants to get a boat and spend time on the water. She wants a convertible. I assured her that all these things are possible. She would get excited and there seemed to be progress. Then the next day she would sneak to see the OM.

OM has his home on the market. He plans to move 1,500 miles away. I don’t think he plans to take WW with him and I cannot see her going that far from our sons, but stranger things have happened. Either way, I will be happy to see him go.

Todd---"sympathetic symptoms...example...when a woman is pregnant, and she has morning sickness,has cravings,etc all of a sudden the husband starts feeling the same things, because they are so close as a couple. So thats why I was saying that "maybe" your wife was experiencing that . <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Its a crazy assumption!!

Wow, your son sounds like he has a cool job...send me down and I will brown bag you some rice and beans!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I am sorry about your wife's loss with her mom. Maybe if she were alive she could put some sense in your wife. But she will eventually realize the magnintude of what she is doing and she will stop the affair. It might be too late , you could be tired of waiting for her and had moved on already. Only time will tell Todd!

How are you feeling today?

Myrta

Stanley,

Sell her baby to a stranger? Wow that says it all.

Undoubtedly, WW is addicted to OM. She cannot stay away. I don't see how she will be able to pry herself away from OM. She is not contrite and has no guilt or remorse. It will be interesting to see what happens when OM sells his home and moves. If WW goes with him, it will be just a matter of time before she learns the pain of a BS. I don't wish that on anyone.

Thanks Stanley.

Hi Myrta,

Thank you for the explanation of sympathetic symptoms. It makes sense. I have no doubt that my illness must have caused great anxiety in her. She must have been scared, confused and bewildered by what she witnessed. My personality did a complete 180.

DS3 job is cool in spurts. Most of the time, he shoots weddings and things like frozen food boxes for ads. He shoots a local PGA golf tournament every year and has met and photographed all the big names on the PGA. For my recent birthday, he gave me an autographed picture of Jack Nicklaus.

Here’s the problem with sending rice and beans with DS3: he will eat everything before he gets home! MIL kept him when he was very young while WW and I worked. He started eating rice and beans at a very early age, so it is really in his system.

MIL was the most wonderful person in the world. I loved and admired her dearly. She was one of those people whom you instantly love. WW will never get over her death. She was closer to MIL than her siblings. If MIL were still alive, she would talk to WW with love and understanding in a way that would cause WW to stop her affair.

I’ll tell you an interesting story. My mother had lapsed into a diabetic coma and was generally in a vegetative state for a few years. She also had both of her legs amputated. She suffered greatly and developed a range of medical problems. Her quality of life was poor indeed. MIL died on January 29, 1999. On the day of her funeral on February 2, 1999, my mother died. It makes one think.

I am tired today. Very little sleep last night. I had asked for something to help me sleep but one of the specialists on my care team kiboshed it. I did get in a three hour nap this afternoon. That helped immensely. Emotionally, it was a tough day.

I sincerely appreciate you and Stan_ley posted to my thread.

Why don't you buy his house through an attorney? Consider it either an investment in real estate or an in vestment in your marriage.

OM house is overpriced by at least $50,000. He seems to be greedy with everything in his life. When I exposed to OMXW, she expressed that she is ready for house to sell. She understandably wants to cut off all dealings with OM. I took the opportunity to advise her to lower the price. She indicated that she would express that to OM. Hope it works. Even if WW goes with him, I'd rather know sooner than later.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />What!!! buy OM's house??? Why should Todd do that for? That sounds like an outrageous idea!