Todd...hopefully you had been napping and thats why you have not posted after my previous post! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Its hard to tell if your wife is trying to get simpathy from your sons, or is she talking for real with her suicide talks. Hopefull is what you say, that she wants to shift their thoughts from her Affair. But,,,its a good thing to call her and be aware of her. Your sons seemed very concerned for her, so they should let her know they care and love her still.

Faith its extremely important indeed. My daughter called me after leaving that church and told me that the priest made a special healing prayer for her boyfriend. They seemed pretty elated and hopefull <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />.
What about you Todd? Religion in your life of any kind>? You dont have to answer if you dont feel like it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Aww...so you were having dreams with plantains....thats cute. I love plantains, the ripe ones more. I can eat them every day <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />. You know they are really easy to fix, you should have one of your sons bring you some and fix them. I can tell you how.

Take care Todd

Myrta

Todd? are you ok?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Todd?

Hi Todd --
I've not posted to you before, but your story touched me. You have received a lot of good advice. The best advice is to implement a "true" plan a, the way Caren and Bob Pure described it. You can start now-- even if she's furious at you.

How about a small vase of flowers sent over to her with a card that says, "Hope you're feeling better." Love, your husband."

That will throw her a for loop. Don't engage in any arguements, and just because she's furious with you doesn't mean you can't plan a her. A couple of days after the flowers, send her a card, telling her you'd like to grow old with her, in a new house by the water, along with "I'm learning new things everyday about myself, that make me believe our marriage can be better than ever." Love, Todd.

Don't call her, just start painting that big bright picture called "your marriage, the way it could be." It's too early to start making demands about anything. My H and I counseled with Steve Harley who suggested to not even be concerned about the other person. Just swallow your anger and jelousy and ATTRACT your wife back to you.

I liked Caren's idea of sending a picture of you and she and your kids (especially if they were young,) when you were on vacation somewhere and write, "We have a beautiful family don't we? This was one of my favorite memories." Don't write anything else. Keep it simple. The goal here, according to SH, is to get them in the frame of mind where they are reminded that there are things they liked, no -- LOVED about the marriage.

Have you apologized for not being there for her during your illness? I know it may sound crazy, but in your description, that was a big deal for her. Something like, "I'm so sorry I couldn't be there for you the way I would have liked in my illness. I am working hard to change that."

Do one of these things every couple of days. Don't call her to "talk". At this stage, she hates talking about things and won't respond to "relationsip" talks. Just let her see this part of you again, without your additional comment. I guarantee you will get a reaction. If she's mad, and she may be because it's confusing her, just ignore it or say something like, "It's time I start sharing with you what's really in my heart again." And leave it at that. Then sit back and watch the effect it will have on her. Keep doing things like that. Small things, reminders, like whispers in her ear.

This is plan A -- ATTRACT her back. Give her hope that your marriage can be everything she's always wanted. Don't make demands or tell her what do at this point. Your job is to get her thinking. Now is good timing, especially when the OM is on the way out anyway.

Take care of yourself. Stay strong!
Shellybird

Myrta,

Last email/post from ToddAC is Monday Night 8:15PM Atlanta time. I don't think his DS1 was yet back from DC so he was at the house alone. I think he has had some health issues this weekend but won't go into that any more. If I don't hear from him soon. He did give me an email for a family member yesterday in case of emergency. I swore I would not use it unless absolutely necessary. Let's hope he is just getting some much needed rest.

TRAICIONADO.....Oh my gosh...I hope he is allright. You should try to e-mail him and if he does not respond, use the emergency contact. Why did he stayed by himself in the house?

I hope he is doing allright,:(

Myrta

Myrta and traicionado,

I am okay. I am awaiting call from one of my doctors. I will try to catch up with the posts later.

Thanks.

TODD- <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I am so glad you are doing ok.

Take care of yourself , please!

Myrta,

Sorry for my absence.

I began having intense headaches Sunday evening. Nothing OTC would relieve the pain. I talked to one of my doctors today and he scheduled another MRI tomorrow. His goal is to exclude bleeding from the tumor as the cause of the headaches.

This bleeding did occur for a few days a month ago and I was hospitalized for a few days. Fortunately, the bleeding stopped before intervention was required.

I still have maintained NC with WW. Tomorrow will be two weeks. I have been tempted only once to contact her and that was via email. I typed the email and got up and walked around before I sent it. I came back to my computer and deleted it. Small deeds pave the way for success.

These days we use carbonless copies when completing multi-part forms. In the old days, you would find a six part form with carbon paper between each pair of pages. It was a messy ordeal. Infidelity from my WW is like she forged her misdeeds on one of those six part carbon forms. Her infidelity is the gift that keeps giving and it is just as messy as carbon paper. There is one critical difference: carbon can be washed away.

DS3 is the most sensitive of my three sons. His Mom’s infidelity and our separation wear on him. He is also ultra busy with work. He doesn’t need another layer of stress. He doesn’t need carbon stains to prove his difficulty with the situation. He wears it, he talks and he breathes it. It breaks my heart even as I am powerless to resolve it.

DS1 returned home yesterday from a long trip to Washington, DC. He was part of a photography team that shot still images for a new Blue Collar Comedy Tour DVD that will be released in a few months. He got to eat lunch with the entire gang. He said he has never laughed so hard in his life.

DS2 has been sick and visited the doctor Friday. He has some unusual symptoms that concern me. His doctor sent his blood to the lab for testing. I expected to hear something today but cannot get in touch with DS2. Not unusual considering his demanding GF, lol.

Thank you for the concern and I apologize for the lapse in posting on my part.

Shellybird,

Thank you for your positive and encouraging post.

I currently have a problem. On any given day, I want to R with my WW and build our marriage stronger than ever. Even though our sons are adults, this mess is still hard on them. Then another day and I want nothing to do with WW. I feel as if I need to find consistency with my feelings before I launch into Plan A again even if from a distance.

I will also add that my WW has a quick temper. It also takes her a long time to recover from her temper which I regard as unusual. Most friends I know with a quick temper recover quickly. I have great patience and a very long temper fuse. In past disagreements, it always had to be me to start the mending process. WW could sit for weeks stewing over a little disagreement.

I say this to illustrate that any efforts on my part will likely be futile. I know I made a mistake giving up on Plan A so quickly. But I cannot change that now.

Todd.....I am glad you are back and ok....well, kind of ok. I am sorry about your horrible pains. Headaches,are not pretty. I get cluster migraine headaches every year for about 6-8 weeks and they make me stop functioning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Has your wife tried to make contact with you at all? Or is she ok with the situation now? By the way that "temper" that you talk about in your post to Shellybird is very common in latin women. I have it too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> It takes me a long time to get out of my anger, when I have a fight with Stanley. He, on the other hand, forgets and changes the page very fast. I wish I was like that, but I am not! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Seriously, your son could had picked some good puertorrican food for you here in Maryland. I could have send some your way!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. His job is definetely a cool one! I am happy for him. Does he travel to different parts of United States and the world?

I am sorry to hear about your DS2...what are his symptoms? I hope everything turn out well for him. Girlfriends are pretty demanding these days. My oldest is a boy and he is in California right now (he lives there) and his girlfriend does not let him be on his own! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Hopefully he will marry within the next one or two years.

Well, I am happy to see you posting again. I was getting really worried about you.

Take care

Myrta

Hi Myrta,

The only contact WW has made with him has been through DS2 and DS3 and only for the most basic of things. For example, she sent word that she is selling the house and much of our furniture. She asked through DS3 what furniture I wanted for myself. So I sent DS3 a list. We downsized from a large home to a smaller empty-nest home so there is excess furniture. She vows that after she sells the house, she will buy herself a condo. Her two best friends both have condos. See a pattern?

I hate to generalize about groups of people but yes, I can safely say that her temper is characteristic of many Latin women. FIL is the exact same way. He blows his top in a second and would rather be beat with a baseball bat than to admit her was wrong or say he is sorry. MIL was the other extreme. Maybe she lived with FIL too long, lol. Maybe because of his temper, MIL learned to navigate around it. See, I am like Stanley. Life is too short. Forgive, put it behind you and move on.

You know what is so funny? When you offered to take food to my son, I regarded it as a simple token of being nice and helpful. I forgot how accommodating Puerto Ricans are. Every time my MIL cooked, she would make extra so that if someone stopped in unannounced there would be enough for everyone. My wife did the same thing. Oh well, leftovers are great!

DS1 travels occasionally. He shot a wedding in Puerto Rico last year. The couple lives in Atlanta but are from PR and got married there. Beautiful bride and so sweet. Beautiful pictures also. He also shot weddings in Nevis and Guatemala. He has been to NYC on shoots a number of times as well as San Francisco, LA and generally all over the US. It’s funny when you think that someone hires a photographer in Atlanta to go shoot the NYSE in NYC. And he works with a couple of NYC photographers when they come to Atlanta. You would think the clients would just hire local photographers but it is all based on relationships.

DS2 and his GF have been together since sophomore year in high school with a break during college. GF went to school in Georgia and DS2 went out west. They are really a cute couple. I expect they will marry within two years or so. She is a great young lady.

DS2 symptoms are fever, swollen lymph glands in his neck, chronic diarrhea and shaking. It’s the shaking that worries me. Hopefully something simple.

Take care.

Todd....it seems like your son has some kind of virus, thats why the fever and his swollen glands. But it might be worth it to also check his thyroid. He could be hyperthyroid. Some times you can get those kind of syptoms with a hyper thyroid.

I was very serious when I offered my food for your son to take back to you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />. I can say that everyone loves my food, especially my rice and beans <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />. So next time your son is in the area, send him this way!!

So since you moved out, your wife has this plans of selling the house? And she wants to join the "club" of her "friends" that live in condos...hmmm...She will regret this for sure, if she goes thru with it. And you also said that she drinks more heavily now...are her friends also drinkers?
She is obviously following bad examples from her "friends". But you know "misery loves company" and thats why those friends are encouraging her to separate and start living the "big life" on her own. How sick can that be!!

I hope you have a good night sleep tonight Todd. That you dont get any awful headaches. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Take good care!!

Myrta

TJ - are those red beans or black beans? Does it go with basmati rice? That is all we have here.

ToddAC, Did DS1 get back from DC? Has the doctor called you back?

I make pink and red beans. They are both really delicious.
No, I dont think they would go with basmati rice. That basmati rice has too much fragance to blend well with those beans. Just plain white rice would do!!

Where is Gemela ? Tell her to post in her thread, please!!

Myrta,

Someone suggested it may be mono. I don’t think that would explain the shaking however. Who knows? Hope for the best.

I realize you were serious about the food. I didn’t at the time but it is my loss. FIL cannot go through his day unless he has his rice and beans. MIL spoiled him.

WW has been talking about selling the house for a couple of months. She talked about it in terms of selling the house and buying “her” a condo. Both her best friends are alcoholics. They both drive drunk. WW is blind to their faults because they apparently tell her what she wants to hear. Those two friends have both been divorced 3-4 times, both abandoned their families and both remain unmarried and hate marriages! Yes, they are both very sick. The really sad part is that WW thinks they are happy.

I had WW’s positive friend to try to spend time with WW and give her positive influences so as to counteract the negative verbal influences by the two best friends. She has tried but WW is too ashamed to face her. Get that? Too ashamed to face a happily married woman but not to face two women who hate the idea of marriage.

Headache is better, mercifully.

Thanks Myrta,

David

traicionado,

DS1 arrived back yesterday but was out working today and again tomorrow.

Doctor called and he scheduled an MRI for me tomorrow.

Will update when I hear the report.

Hi Todd

I'm glad you're feeling better. I'm a little confused by your response. If you're not sure if you want your marriage back, then why have you laid down your terms to her to COME back? Or are you deciding again, since the latest argument? If you decide that you do want her back, your success will depend entirely on whether you can muster enough emotional courage to forgo your anger and resentments long enough to ATTRACT her back. You will need to deal with your angry and hurt feelings once you are in recovery. Making demands right now will only push her further away.

Once you decide, you can then decide on a plan of action. If you DO decide you want to save your marriage, then you need to push ahead with a proper Plan A. Good luck,
Shellybird

Todd....yeah, it could be mono, for sure!! My daughter had mono several months ago,she got it from her boyfriend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
He did not have symptoms at the time, but he was a carrier of the disease. You remained an invisible carrier for many months after. Anyways her symptoms were....the nodes in her neck, horrible sore throat!!low grade fever too. It took her two months to feel well again. She lost so much weight!! Maybe your son has that too. I hope he gets better soon.

Todd...I can see you still have hopes of reconciliation with your wife. You want her good advising friend to talk to her and encourage her to end the affair. I hope it works out. She needs to end that relationship whether you get back together or not. The OM sounds like a very bad choice!
Of course she is going to feel ashamed to talk to her good friend. She feels judge by her, even if her friend has the best intentions . When you are in those activities you feel guilty, singled out, like you have a mark in your forehead! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Your MRI is today? I hope everything goes well with it.

Myrta

P.S. Very serious about the food!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Myrta,

Plain white rice....sigh...I think I remember how that tasted...

ToddAC,

I swear when you get back I need to get help me figure out how this forum time stamps posts. I get so confused by it and your sleep pattern never helps. I am guessing you may already be headed for your MRI if my math is more or less correct. When you get back home, please drop me a quick email if you don't feel like posting. If I don't hear from you soon, I'll email DS3. BTW, please treat everything I told you about your question for DS1 in strictest confidence. All your SI freinds are PM'ing me now. What do you want me to tell them so they can save their marriages? I'm lost without you buddy!

Myrta,

Last couple of days has been hard for gemela to post. Tomorrow at 7:00AM we have a 5K race we entered. Golf in the PM with neighbor. Dinner in Khobar at night. I will get her to post on Friday. Please be patient. I am grateful for all the help you and others have given her.