I don't know why I've been thinking about this, given that my WH is still he11-bent on OW, D, and being a nutter, but it's been on my mind a LOT. I know WH misses my extended family terribly. He's cut contact with just about all of them since this whole mess started. At first he thought they could continue a relationship, but when OW entered the picture and he got NASTY, that was it. For better or worse, lines were drawn. Even though I've never criticized my WH, I HAVE talked to my family about what WH has done and said, and they have been there when I've been everything from weepy to suicidal, and they have been defensive and indignant on my behalf. He really resents this. I also really miss his family. I'm still in touch, but of course, it's not the same as before.

I know that if WH were ever to wake up from this fog, reconciling with the extended family would be one of the hardest tasks. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me if it eventually turned out to be a big stumbling block for him. The same goes for me: how could I go back into the fold of HIS family after he's demonized me so badly to justify his actions?

The extended family is very important to me. My family assures me that if WH were to wake up and I took him back they would forget everything, but I think we'd all be kidding ourselves if we thought it'd be easy or automatic. I think a LOT of damage has been made there.

I am really interested to hear from people who reconciled, as to how they managed to rebuild the extended family unit. How did you do this? What was the experience like? How long did it take? Etc. etc. etc.

Thanks.

I know what you mean. I don't speak to my SIL because she chose friendship with the OW and actually spread some pretty nasty lies about me to family members and the general population. If my H and I were to work things out, I don't know if I can get past the hatefulness I have been shown.

Loni

It's amazing how widespread the wreckage of an affair is, isn't it? However, it generally all works out for the best if the WS handles it appropriately and makes proper amends. The affair effects many more people than just the spouse and the children; it effects parents and siblings. An apology is owed to them also.

My H apologized to my mother and my sister after his affair. This was the first step in restoring trust in their relationships. My H had to prove to them that he was not going to hurt me anymore in order to earn their trust. My family has forgiven him and they get along great now. I am proud of him for handling it like a man and not running like a coward from this issue.

The rift can be healed, but just as in the marriage, the WS has to earn back trust and respect from the rest of the family, too.

RT-

This is SO true. This has affected me, the kids, our families, OW's marriage is over already, his students at school, our friends, etc. I think the biggest wreckage is to our witness--but hopefully recovery can be a new witness in the end.

I have had and still do have the same fears. My inlaws are speaking to me and not my WH, but I still feel like it is totally different. My sis-in-law says her mom says it is hard to see me b/c she thinks of what her son has done. She also told me last week that she realizes her son was never good to me, and she knows I can do better. Believe it or not--that hurt me for my WH--he would be crushed if he knew she said that.

As for my own family, the fears are deeper. I don't beleive they would ever accept him back, which is why I waited so long to tell them things, and I still haven't told them all of it. My whole family (all out of state, but a very big extended fam) can't seem to get past the fact that I was preggers when he did this. I guess every sitch complicates it even more.

I think ML has it rigt--the WS has to be willing to apologize to my fam as well as me--and to prove that he will treat me well. Unfortunately, that is one of the things I told him I would need for recovery that he nixed. He wants to never see either side ever again. Or any of ur friends either. How is this good for the kids? Can you just see the thick air of tension that would cause?

I hope others who have been through ths stage of recovery post in this thread, because I , too, and very interested in seeing how it all panned out in the end for some.

Post deleted by Cherished

My H told me after the affair that he never wanted to see my family again. I explained that I would never be willing to sacrifice my family for his affair as I had sacrificed enough. My family was there for me throughout his cruel treatment and I had no intention of punishing them just because he was too cowardly to face them. They didn't do anything wrong, he did.

Telling him this sort of woke him up and he did apologize to them. But I don't think we do our WS's any favors by accommodating cowardice and should encourage them to face the music like a man/woman. Our marriage did work out because he did handle it, but it would not have if he hadn't done the right thing.

WOW ML--I will take your words and quote them to WH if that is okay with you. I told him the same thing, but it didn't sound nearly as tough and to-the-point. I wish I could borrow some of your spunk when it comes to dealing with WH. You are one tough cookie.

My WH has always been a coward when it comes to facing the musicm and has always been a quitter when the going gets tough. This is making any step forward particularly hard, as his issues are much deeper than an A.

I will not tolerate anything less, though, at this point.I feel I'd be the fool if I did. This is my one chance to have the marriage I was intended to have with WH. If he isn't willing to make changes as I have, then I would be setting myself up for whatever he's be willing to throw my way.

Thanks intexas. The bad news is that you can't change a person against their will. Like you said, he has to be willing to make those changes. And you have to be willing to protect your boundaries, as it seems you are, because YOU are a tough cookie! So sorry you are in this predicament.

This is why I believe one must be very careful about who and why they expose (to).

Why?

Because, once that information is given, it forever changes the landscape of a relationship. It is one thing to say that a H and W have complete honesty with one another; I don't believe that has to include the entire extended family. I'm not saying that shouldn't happen, but I don't believe that type of exposure is a must, and that the ramifications should be clearly considered

What forever changes the landscape of a relationship is an AFFAIR. As it should. That is a consequence of having an affair. The WS took that risk when he/she engaged in an affair.

Exposure to family members often is very important and should be done in most cases. Many times the BS needs the support. The extended family members are often just as effected as the immediate family.

I think, rather, folks should be "very careful" to not do things about which they are ashamed if they don't want others to find out. It's not up to the BS to protect the WS from the consequences of his/her behavior.

Melody, that is true: an A is wrong. You have no argument from me there. If the BS chooses to expose to gain a support system, that is a good idea. But to continue exposing recklessly to people who have already received the information is harmful. I think motivation for exposure also makes a key difference. I'm not saying exposure per se is wrong, but people must consider the consequences carefully. Just as people should consider consequences to an A...

But no one is suggesting that one "expose recklessly." A BS does not just expose to gain a support system, they do it to cause public embarrassment to the WS within a key circle of people. That is why exposure is so effective. It's no fun to carry on an affair when every one knows what you are doing.

And yes, folks should consider the consequences very carefully before they have an affair.

Well, then, Melody if the motivation is to cause public humiliation that is as wrong as the A

Of course not. A person is supposed to feel humiliated for having an affair. That is a consequence of having an affair if the affairee knows right from wrong. But this is why exposure is so effective. It is no fun having an affair when others are looking on. Exposure forces the affairees to see how sleazy they look through the eyes of others, a powerful motivator.

THAT can be done within the context of the H and W; it's not necessary to involve third parties. There are other wrongs within a M; it seems rather selective to say we should concentrate on only exposing A. My H and I don't relate every wrongdoing within our M to outside parties for the reason that others will not accept them after we have accepted each other. Ends do not justify all means...

As I said previously, Melody, we will have to disagree. I don't believe either of us is necessarily wrong. The same approach does not work for all couples.

Most often, affairs cannot be killed within the context of H and W, further exposure is necessary. It is a very effective measure against affairs. And we aren't talking about "other wrongs" here, we are talking about AFFAIRS. No one is saying this method would be effective in other issues.

It is a tried and true Marriage Builders principle. Like Steve Harley once counseled a member here, "do everything short of taking out a billboard." If thats what it takes, then that is what should be done.

I just have to wade in on this.

Every human relationship , especially of a sexual nature, is by all definitions something to be proud of. Did you hide the fact that you had a new boyfriend/girlfriend or were expecting a child. H*ll no you didn't. It was a source of great pride and joy.

Why would any BS deny the opportunity of that joy to their WS and their OP. By choosing the OP the WS makes a very conscious and premeditated statement saying this is who I am and this is what I do.

So by definition ANY BS that does not announce their WS's A to the world exhibits gross selfishness and probably deserved to be cheated on.

I know , I did. But I was able to correct my character defect about 2 months after DDay