Hello everyone. My night was uneventful, washed clothes and watched 24. Then went to bed...had sf again. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm emotionally numb. I had emailed H yesterday, he never emailed back but here is a note that he handed me yesterday evening when he came home:
Hon,
I had a time this past weekend. The drive could ot have been andy better plus I was with all my baby's. I do love all three of you so very much! I do love oyu so very much! I have been on meetings all day and was just in the office long enough to get your email and I am writing this while sitting in a lobby. I love you.
Love,
soons H

This is all crazy. And last night he kept saying I love you...I'd tell him that I loved him to and he kept saying "well I wished you 'd act like it". I don't know what he wants me to do. How am I not acting like I love him. Does he want me to just say I love you, we can get a divorce and you can date and have fun and we'll still be a family, have SF...there just wont be any attachments. i don't know what he's doing...any advice?

I hope everyones evening was good last night. I hope everyone slept well and had nice dreams.

Tired: I think your friend is definitely overdoing it a little. But if it will make your W head spin...the do it. Do you leave the cards and stuff out on your desk or what? What are you doing to let this mutual friend see that you are receiving gifts?

Good morning Soon,

Why does your H keep saying that he wishes that you would act like you love him? This is confusing. Have you two ever filled out an emotional needs questionaire? It sounds like he is on the fence and can't decide what he wants to do. But he is still set on getting a D, right? If that is the case, he may be wanting the "mother of all enabling", in which he could keep both the OW and his W and family. What's his reaction when you start pulling away, like you no longer want him?

I agree that the friend is overdoing it a bit. I did leave the cards and gifts, still wrapped, out on my desk. The mutual friend comes in my office several times each day, and she happened to be here yesterday when the secretary brought the cards/gifts back to me. She was very curious, but that was all.

I did bump into my STBX this morning in the hallway. She looked at me, but her eyes were cold and dead. She is over me for good, and I have lost her forever. It hurts, but I knew this was coming. I now really dread seeing her with another man. That is going to kill me.

Tired, I don't know why he keeps saying that. No we have filled out the EN questionaire. I have thought about it...but that's as far as I have gotten. I keep thinking, well if were definitely going to get a D then I would just be wasting my time. Do you think I should try it?

His reaction when I pull away....he will ask a million times what is wrong with me. Sometimes he will put his arms around me. That's about it.

All I know is that he doesn't know what he's doing. That's coming straight from his mouth.

So the mutual friend was curious? Did she ask questions? I'm sorry I keep asking you all these questions.

Im sorry that you had to see you STBXW this morning. I don't think that she is completely over you. How could she be over you that quickly? I don't think anyone could do that. I just think her eyes were cold and dead because she knows what she has done to you and is having trouble with it so it's easier for her just to ignore everything. I too dread seeing my STBXH with another woman. I hope it never happens but I know it will. I mean, I know he's been with other women...but I haven't seen it with my own eyes. I don't even know what I'd do. I'd like to think that I could pretend I was ok with it. but I know myself better. I'm not very good at hiding my feelings from the people that really know me.

Soon, I wonder what would happen when you pulled away and he asked what was wrong, if you said "I'm tired of living like this, I love you, but I want a divorce unless you commit to this marriage"?

The EN questionaire will at least let you know what his needs are, and maybe some you could work on. If he will fill it out, my STBX wouldn't do it.

Let's not talk about seeing them with OP. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned that. Too painful to think about.

You're right. Wont talk about that anymore.

I have told him this. Just like the other day during our "talk" "screaming match" whatever it was. I said it several times, very calmly.... "you cannot committ to this marriage and I can't live like this anymore". I said it several times, not those exact words everytime...but you know what I mean. When I say things like this to him he always just gets this look on his face. It's a funny look. He doesn't say anything...he doeesn't say you are right or you are wrong. He just looks at me. I can't pinpoint what the look is...it's a mixture of doubt and shoot I don't know what else. I have never seen that look from him before, I only get that look when I make those types of comments.

Haven't heard from Thankful. Hope she's OK. It looks like she may have posted on GQ yesterday, or it may have been late Sund night.

I find myself worrying when I don't hear from you guys on a regular basis.

Sorry, had to leave for awhile. Soon, has your H been married before? If so, what happened with that marriage? I think people often return to previous patterns in time of stress, like I'm afraid Blue's H may be doing with drugs. It might be that he just don't believe that you mean it.

I haven't heard from Thankful either. Maybe she will check in soon.

No, this is his first marriage.

That's a big problem of ours. We don't believe each other. The trust is gone. I CAN learn to trust him again if he would comitt to me. but he can't

It seems that in a first marriage, it's hard to believe that it could ever end, even if things are not going good. He just doesn't understand how fragile a M can be.

In my second marriage, I wish my STBX would have came to me and said "this is the problem, and I'm going to leave you if you cannot improve this". I would have done anything. I know it wouldn't have mattered, the problem is with her and not me (even she agrees to this), but I keep thinking that if I could have caught her when she first starting feeling unhappy, things might be different. I did ask periodically if we were doing ok. She always said "yes", but I guess that was a lie also.

My point here, I think I have one, is that he for sure needs to understand that everything can be gone tomorrow. No wife he claims to love, no children, no home, no SF with the wife he loves, everything. I can tell you, that is a horrible truth to wake up to, even when you didn't deserve it, and even more when you do. Soon, he still loves you, because I don't think that he would say it if he didn't. It's too easy to avoid saying it. I really feel he needs a wake-up call on what he is giving up. A family and loving spouse, IMHO, is the greatest gift from God, and I can't understand why some people can't see that and do things to jeopardize that. Nothing in the past is too great to overcome, with love and support of your family. But, he has to try, he needs to swallow his pride when he is wrong. Being a good man/father/husband doesn't mean that you are right all the time, it means that you strive to be perfect for your family, and that you acknowledge and make amends when you are wrong. He needs to know what he is losing and will never replace, no matter what happens for the rest of his life.

Sorry, I got on a roll and couldn't stop preaching.

Hey there you two -

I'm around. Just really in a big-time funk. I feel like I am getting more depressed instead of less. Nothing really new w/H - he doesn't know what the he!! he is doing. I don't know how much more of this I can take. I hate this feeling -this helpless feeling I have. Hopeless, helpless, worthless - I really feel like such a piece of crap b/c of all this. I feel like I am worth nothing and wonder why I am even here on this earth. I know I have my children, but what is it all worth if I don't have my husband too. I wish this wasn't happening. I wish something would change. It is so hard living like this.

I'm sorry I am so down guys. As I said, I am feeling really yucky. H is picking up DS from preschool this afternoon. Sorry I am so out of it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hi Thankful,
Sorry you aren't feeling well. Are you taking and AD's? Soon and I are both taking them, and it really does help calm things down. All of us feel like crap after this happens, totally worthless and without hope for the future. This is normal, and will pass. It seems like it never will, but it does pass. Hang tight and love your children with all your might. You may feel a strong need to be with your H, but you can live without him. Your children cannot make it without you. You are their lives.

I think that your H will see that you can live without him, and that you can still be a good mother, and he will understand what he is losing. It might or might not be too late, but he will see it.

Thankful, don't apologize. I have been worried about you though. I know it's hard not to feel the way you do. But you are not worthless. You deserve more than what your alien is giving you right now. Have you two talked anymore? Stick to your guns woman! OW must go before you give in. Remember, tough love...tough love. You can do this! Are you still taking your AD's? Keep them up, give them time and they will help you. They have helped me. You are here on this earth because you have two beautiful children who need you more than anybody else needs you! Those children have just as much worth if your H is included or not. They need you to be strong!

You are not a piece of crap, you are a beautiful strong woman who deserves much more than the hand you have been dealt. Your H is the one who is throwing it all away. This will all come back to bite him in the [censored]. Pick yourself up...you can do this! I'm worried about you.

Thank you both so much. I needed a little fire put in my belly. That fire that I previously had has been missing for a few days now & I don't like this feeling that I am not in control & feeling weak.

I do need to continue w/the tough love. I just feel so lost anymore, without any direction. I feel like nothing is working - no matter what I try. I just wish I could make my H believe that we could have the type of marriage we never even dreamed of - if only he could just see.

DS told him how much he didn't like staying over at his brother's Sat night. That hurt him. I just want to scream at him "Why the he!! can't you just come home??????" I miss the man he used to be.

It's so corny but I have these little daydreams during the day that either he'll call or text me and say "I miss you, I love you, I want to come home & work on our M" God, that would be such a miracle. I wish it would happen. I feel so silly even saying it, like 'wishful thinking' right? I try to keep telling myself to get my head out of the sand and just face it - he doesn't want me and he doesn't care about me - why can't I just face it?

Thanks for caring - I really appreciate it. Oh and yes, I started taking the a/d's about 5 days ago. I don't they've kicked in yet.

Tired: Dont apologize for the "roll". I get on those rolls sometimes too, except I'm usually ranting and raving...in case you haven't noticed.

The sad thing about your post is that my H knows all of this. He has said...he doesn't know what he is doing. He just doesn't know what to do. He can't get over his anger. I'm willing to do whatever it takes, he is not. He is the type of person that whatever is in his head, that's the truth. There's no reasoning with him. I truly believe that if we were in MC, or IC...and trusted in God. Then we could make it. But he wont turn anything over to him...he keeps trying to fix things on his own. And evidently he keeps thinking that D will fix things. Plus, his family is pushing him to D me. He always listens to them. That was another big problem in our M. He put them first before his wife and family.

I'm tired of trying to convice him of what he is losing. Shat...it's right here in front of him. It's like I told him the other night, he has a loving devoted wife and a beautfiul family...if he wants to throw it all away and take the easy way out...then he must do it. And then he'll see. Maybe he'll come back, and maybe he wont. Maybe I'll still want the M, maybe I won't. Only time will tell.

I don't mean to make it sound so simple. The process of it all is much more trying, not simple at all in every aspect...financially, emotionally (as you know). But the idea IS that simple. It's right there in front of him, if he wants it he can have it. If not, then there's nothing else I can do but continue to love him and show him what he's going to hopefully miss out on until I move out. Once I'm out the door...then that's it. I'm out the door. Gone.

Thankful, no they haven't kicked in yet. It took about a week and a half for me. And I increased the dosage (per dr orders) up to 100 mg now.

This is so hard for us all. One day, we are feeling a little stronger than the day before...the next day were back down at the bottom. This is where the ad's have helped me tremendously. I'm still upset and devastated, but it's not so overwhelming now. And I only have about one anxiety attack a day now.

We can't make our H see anything. They have to want it. My problem for so long was that I tried to make my H see things, but I have finally realized that I can't make him see anything. He has to want it. And if he doesn't want it. Then I have to accept it and move on.

What if he asked to come home? Would you really let him come home with the way he is continuing on? You don't really want that do you.

That's what we try to do on here Thankful, prop each other up when we need it. You will do the same for us, so no thank you's or apologies needed.

Stay with the AD's, they should start kicking in soon. You described a very difficult thing with me. Seeing how great things can be, but not being able to get through to the spouse. I know how frustrating that can be. I know the tough love doesn't seem to be helping, but stay strong with it. Anything that lets him walk on you will mean that you have to start over, so be vigilant. I miss my W that I used to have, and the STBXW that I currently have is nothing like her. I don't know if that woman will ever return or not.

We all have those daydreams about calls in the night saying "I want to come home" and things like that. That is human nature, so don't feel weak about that.

Please don't beat yourself up for not getting your head out to the sand and facing it. I have stopped trying to force myself to "get over it" and have been taking things in stride, and I seem to feel better. Just try to find something to smile about each day, whether it's your kids, or whatever, and let yourself heal. Don't worry about how long it takes or about what others think, just try to relax your mind a little, and let time heal you.

Oh no, he would have to have given up/ended it with MOW & maintain NC. He knows that though so in my little daydream, he HAS ended it with her & knows that he wants me and his family back. As for coming home, I am not sure what I would do - there'd be ALOT to talk about/discuss first. There would have to be a plan. As I said, it's just a daydream...wishful thinking. He just seems to be moving further and further away emotionally - I feel so helpless.

Anyone have any big plans for the evening?

I don't. Go bet the boys, try to catch up on some laundry. Fix supper...the usual. That's about it.

How about you? Any big plans for tonight?

I need to start gathering up some boxes here at work so that I can start some packing some stuff instead of waiting till the last minute. I also need to start making some lists like my lawyer told me to do. I want to be fair, but it's hard to decide what exactly is fair. I wonder what my H reaction will be when he comes home one day, and the house is empty? I wonder if he will be sad, if he will miss me and how our house used to be. Or if he will just have his mother and sister in law come over and redo the house like it used to be. I bet it will be the last one.