Hi, I am 24, and have been married for six years. I recently discovered through my wife and counseling that I am a sex addict.

Since our marriage started I made sex a physical thing and never put any emotion into it. I would pressure my wife into things that she didn't want to do, but she would do them to make me happy.

This has been going on for years, and it has come to the point where my wife has turned into something she never wanted to be. The though of being intimate with me scares her, and she can't even think of it anymore. She feels like she has been sexually abused.

She has said she wants out, and I can't make her stay. We have been in counseling for a month now, and I am hoping that it will help us resolve our personal issues, but I have little hope that it will be able to resolve the situation.

We have two children together, and have agreed to live together and not see other people until we are able to have our issues resolved. For us and for the kids. We love each other very much, and will always be best friends no matter what.

What I would like to know is if I should focus on moving on, or does anyone see the possiblity of reconcilitaion in this abused and unhealthy marriage.

Hi Young, sorry that you have to be here.

You should repost this on the General Questions II forum. The experts are there, and they can help you.

Tired41

You have 2 children that one day would love to have a home they could come back to at Christmas and Thanksgiving and bring their children and reunite as one large family. Is it worth just giving up? Think long term and think about the future.

Sex addition has over a 90% chance of being fixed if a couple works on it together. Each is responsible for working on their own issues and also working together as a couple to heal the marriage. The sex addict has the majority of the work to do to resolve many issues, but it can be done. And it has to be done sometime before heading into another relationship.

For the wife, she obviously picked someone who had dysfunctions. She needs to know why she did. SO before she enters another relationship she needs counseling or she is likely to repeat the same mistake. It's why people often divorce remarry and divorce again. They don't understand the dynamics of how dysfunctions bring people together.

The sex addict needs someone qualified to treat sex addiction. If you are Christian, there are qualified Christian sex addiction therapists. Make sure they understand sex addiction and are qualified, whether they are Christian therapists or not.

It's possible to fix the marriage and make it better than it was healthier and more intimate than it was before.

Well our plan for now is to seperate, but continue to live together while we go to counseling. She has said that she does not want to force anything to happen, but I see things only getting better from here. I just hope that we will be able to develop that relationship that we've never really had. And I hope that she will be able to get over the pain she feels towards me.

Young Lover,

I definitely feel our angst.

You are right about the getting better from here. But it is your choices that will make you better and her choices that will make her better.

One thing this site has taught me and especially LovingAnyway, is that it is YOU that controls YOU and noone else.

My situation is similar, and I have to tell you it went on for alot longer. I can honestly say that being here in this forum is a GOOD thing for you. You have to post evrytime you feel the need. You have to be completely honest and you will get the help you seek.

You will start to go through the stages and there will be confusion and anger and pain... Know this and seek comfort in our Lord... I did and it has blessed ME.

You will need to define yourself and your CODE. Set your limits to what you are going to do and not do in your marriage and relationships and life. Stick to them and don't compromise the CODE. This Code needs to follow a good path, like is taught in MB literature.

MB is an amazing place and I suggest you read His needs Her Needs and LoveBusters to start. read everything on this site and start your daily journal in here if you see fit.

You ask is there still hope... It is up to you to find Hope.
There is a song that says "Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers."

I am sorry you are here... But I am Glad you are here!!

You are in my prayers.

There is a 12-step group for sexaholics called S-A. http://www.sa.org/

There is a family group for the co-addicts of sexaholics, SAnon. The website for sAnon is: http://www.sanon.org/

These groups are like AA and AlAnon

The counseler has told me to give her space and let her decide what she wants, but I want to influence her decision. How can I get her to get past that feeling of fear of intimacy after I've abused our sex life like that? Is it even possible?

YL,

You are only able to influence YOUR decisions... That is what I learned on here.

The choices to influence you W decisions on the sex issue is why you are here. Trying to influence her now is only going to be met with resentment and distrust.

You want to let her know there is a change?? CHANGE first...
Stay changed and let her see the change... Believe me she will see it. Also get hte book "out of the shadows" and start the 12 steps of SA..

There is nothing you can do to make her see excpet change you actions and thoughts to match where you want to be in your thoughts. And hopefully those thoughts are going to allign with hers.

My thread is "Ashamed and Scared" in the General Questions II section You will find alot of great advice on all this from LovingAnyway and a few otheres.... Read it and comment or ask questions on there if you feel so inclined.

AH

YL, My man, it sounds to me like you're not listening. If your counselor is telling you to give her some space what makes you think that if you pressure her it's going to make things easier for her to get comfortable with you again.

IMHO, if you really want to make your marriage work you should just back off alittle bit and let her catch her breath.

Show her that you're willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy because you love her and she's worth it.

Hey, remember she use to do things she didn't want to just to make you happy.

Again just my opinion.

Best of luck to you!

MND2K <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well my wife told me she doesn't love me anymore and hasn't for 3 years. She says whatever we had is now gone. She is a mental mess, and is going to start seeing a phsyciatrist soon. She says she wants to start her life over. We are going to remain living together for ourselves and the kids, until she is stable enough to make it on her own, or attempt to make a new marriage with me.

My heart is broken, but I made the bed, now I have to lie in it.

I wholeheartedly recommend SA and SAnon. SAnon helped me regain my balance in the wake of my husband's choices. These groups could do the same for you. Contact SA and see if they have a group in your area.

We had a breakthrough the other day. I told my wife that I just want her to be happy so that we can move on, and she started crying. She said she doesn't want to move on, she wants to be happy with me. She just doesn't know how to right now.

She said that she was lying when she said she didn't love me, she just wants to be happy, preferably with me.

Over the last few weeks, I have been trying to do sweet things for her, and show her that I am trying to meet her emotional needs. At first she would just get angry, but now she just accepts them. She told me that when I can do something sweet, and her heart flutters, she will know she wants to stay.

I figure that as long as we keep up the counsleing, I keep meeting her emotional needs, and I don't push her, she will reenter the intimacy stage again, and her heart will flutter when I do something sweet, and she will once again be happy.

Regarding the sexual addiction, I looked into SA, and I don't agree with the methods that they use. I have gotten a good hold on that myself, as before I didn't see it as a problem, but now that I see all the pain it caused in my own life as well as others, I will be able to control myself.

So for right now it looks like I just need to a friend, show her that I can meet her needs, and be patient and see if she allows it to happen.

I have been where your wife had been. I ended up having an affair with a man..I just wanted a normal sex life. I felt like a call girl, hooker and very ashamed that I was not enough. I thought it was something about me..
What did I do? Why was I never enough. It went from toys, whips, collars, you name it. At one point my H wanted to watch while other people slept with me.

I was willing do do anything to keep him at home and loving me and the boys.

You know what he is doing now? He has a new girl friend and he has started over with her. They have their own website looking for a woman.

I found out way before I saw his new site that it had never been me. I worry for his new girl friend..

So does anyone have any ideas for re igniting that spark? It's been gone for a long time, and I need some good ideas.

YL, Does she consider your situation is due to SA? If so you need to show her PROOF that you are getting help in that area. Why would she have ANY reason to believe you have "gotten ahold of that" yourself. I betyou told her that before.

What methods are you having a problem with in the SA program?? Cause it isn't a counselling group.. It is a support group to lend an ear to YOUR journey to healing... NOT telling you anywhich way to handle ANY situation. I don't understand your hesitation... Especially when it is what YOU say is causing your wife to lose her love for you!!

Buck up and go to a SA meeting... Try to get her to go to Sanon across the hall and start your wifes healing too... The SPARK will return when she sees you doing what is NOT comfortable to make your marriage work...

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