First please let me introduce myself. I'm a BS of 12 years, my DDay was January 17th 2002.
My husband confessed to me, but full disclosure wasn't untill almost two years later.
The two A's had been over for a while, one for 4 years, the other for two.
I've spent the last couple days reading your threads, and I felt moved to write to you. Enough that I actually registered.
Adrian, I went crazy when I found out. Card carrying, stick throwing crazy. My husband and I have four beautiful children, I had been through multiple illnesses during those times, and I have a history of being betrayed, abused and abandoned.
But the agony I felt when he told me, and the continuing pain after until full disclosure to me, can't compare to anything else I've felt.
I'm glad to say I've followed most of Marraige builders suggestions, even though I didn't know what I was doing at the time. I told everyone, He called the one he could get ahold of and with me on the phone told her he confessed, how he felt about her (which was nothing) and told her never to contact us again.
She was I thought at the time my best friend, so it was a two sided betrayal.
Adrian, I know how you're feeling right now. Believe me. I know that at times you want to scream, cry, just run away sometimes too. That sometimes you want to stay in bed with the covers over your head, but you get up because of your children.
Even though he had confessed Adrian, he was still in the fog of denial and lies. He tried to make it "better" than it was. He even lied about what they looked like, made them "more attractive" until it came out that one was my best friend.
Unfortunatly or fortunately for me, I'm still not sure which, he had no feelings for either of them. He used them as an "outlet". Some part of me thinks thats worse, because he was able to betray me with no other motivation than to have release.
I was very ill, pretty much bedridden at the times he did this, and what he did I still haven't been able to move past completely. But I HAVE been able to move past it enough that I know I still love him, and he still loves me.
The point I'm trying to make Adrian is this...
Full disclosure means full disclosure. Of everything. If you have to do the exposing, so be it. Give the affair no place to hide. Change the things that allowed it to happen.
In my case, I now know where he is at all times, he carries a phone with him and calls me, I take care of all finances, so that I know where money is going to, and that he's working when he says he's working. We don't do things outside the home without each other. No single friends, and no friends of the opposite sex.
My husband and I told my family, his family, his co workers, our friends. He even told Father Peter. He went to anger management, and told them there as well.
It was a requirement for me Adrian, I didn't want a repeat ever again. By either HIM telling, or MY telling...no holds barred....it gave him no place to go to allow him to do it again.
If you give this A even so much as a shadow, or shade...it won't die easily. Or if it does, then it leaves room for it to happen again with someone else. Fantasy can only last in dreams, not in bright daylight.
In your threads I read that you aren't sure you have feelings for your betrayer anymore.
I felt the same way. At times I was sure I hated him, hated everything about him.
What I hated was the way I felt, how what he did hurt me, made me bleed inside. What I hated was the loss of innocence and trust. I hated feeling weak, weeping, not being able to sleep or eat. I hated what he had done to our family, our children, me.
I didn't hate him.
Guilt consumes people eventually, thats what happened with him. When he finally told me was actually when our marraige was going very well. I had lost weight, gotten healthy, I was 60 lbs lighter than when we married. He had a new job, a better one. The kids were happy, we went places, had a nice home.
He waited until he thought our marraige was strong enough, to tell me. Because he wanted to save it. What he had done was eating him alive, he had villified me to others to justify himself...and he realized that if he didn't set things right eventually it would end us.
I thought I hated him for that too.
I didnt, what I hated was the loss of happiness and security.
The numbness you feel right now is protecting you, it's like the water that happens when you get a blister. Human beings can only take so much before they start to shut down.
Please don't lose hope Adrian, its what keeps us going. Keeps us waking up and looking at the sun.
There are things I can't do now, because of triggering. That I mourn, because I loved to do them. There are times when I still cry, because I was and am so deeply in love with him I could never think of betraying him.
He still tells me he's sorry, and tries to reassure me. But the blind trust is gone. I miss it, I mourn it too. I want the ability to laugh in someones face if they make a comment about someone else being in the picture.
I want the security of knowing my heart and my body will never be put in jeapordy again.
I want the deep and comforting warmth I used to have whenever I was with him. It's still deep, but the comfort is much less than it used to be.
This isn't an easy road Adrian, but its so worth while. You learn things about yourself that you never knew, you find such strength through adversity. You open your eyes and appreciate things you didn't even realize were there.
Please, don't give up easily.
Snuggles
