Hiya Caren...I've never responded to you before, however I'm not new to MB. I used to post ages ago and was, like you, immersed in the drama that only a failed Plan B can create. Veteran MB'ers such as Star*Fish, Tak, and Le nearly ripped their hair out trying to get me to do a proper Plan B....I understood all that they said, but me, being the know it all, thought that I could fudge with the contact just a bit....uh uh. It just didn't work. However, there came a time when I realized even the most simple contact had the most detrimental effects on me...not to mention my children. I wanted to share this quote with you. I have it taped on my pc screen and referred to it each and every day when I finally managed to do a good Plan B. It was my lifeline...it kept me focussed and made me recognize that the contact, no matter how simple, was just not good.

The happiness of most people we know is not ruined by great catastrophes or fatal errors, but by the repetition of slowly destructive little things......Ernest Dimnet

I finally managed, after several failed attempts to cut myself off from the madness of my husband's cake eating. My DDay was 3+ years ago and I will be honest, I'm still not divorced. I had hoped that my husband would finally come to his senses, but he didn't. He had his mind made up and unfortunately chose the OW. However, Plan B is not about saving your marriage per se...it is about saving yourself and if the marriage is saved, you have a double bonus.

At this time you are all over the place. Mark's attendance at the hospital, while it made you feel good, did not mean anything other than he cares. Of course he cares, he has a history, a child, etc. Does that mean that he will return to you a repetent and remorseful H? Right now, it doesn't seem so. I recall something similar happening to me. My WS showed all the concern and husbandly affection that I was waiting for...it didn't last too long before the OW crooked her finger and he was back there. It was then that I recognized that I wasn't worthy of crumbs...I was worthy of the entire cake and if he wasn't willing to give it to me...well, he wasn't having any part of me. I finally got it....and then my recovery...personal recover was to begin.

No one will discount your feelings Caren. I loved my WS like no other, but you know what...I love my children more...I needed to gain my self-respect and self-confidence back..they did not deserve to be abandoned by both parents. My WS chose another woman...I was going to choose myself. You are nearly there...you made the move to move out...now, you must move forward. Stop making Mark your priority...he abandoned that position in your life a very long time ago. Your children feel your unhappiness; I know my children suffered silently. It is up to you to save yourself and your family from the madness driven by the contact.

First you must cut him out of your life for now. No discussion of him whatsoever with your children. His loss is acute enough; any mention just reinforces the pain. Focus on positive things...plan something with them and YOU. You and the children are the family now and that when and if their father decides to rejoin your circle that you will tackle it when it comes. Create new memories and do not rely on him. You are addicted to Mark and the drama...just like I was with my WS.....each day away from it, is a day that you will become stronger. Trust me...it happens.

Do not answer the phone and if you happen to get caught off guard...be civil and SHORT!!!!! No talk about anything. Do not accept any praise from him nor should you accept him calling you cutesy names. He knows how to push your buttons I'm afraid and he has little respect for you. He needs to understand that his power his useless over you anymore; you are strong...you just need to find it within you.

Find as many people as possible that can help you keep away. Try not to be there at all when he comes to pick up your daughter...even if you have to sit at a neighbor's house. You must instruct your daughter that no information about you is to be shared with him; sit your daughter down and explain why. You need to remove yourself from this and taking the appropriate steps will make it easier. You can do it Caren....and when you do, you will think to yourself..."Why did I wait so long?"

At 3+ years out with WH living with OW do we speak to each other? Yes, about the children only. Does he try to sneak in some other subject matter? Of course, but I'm too smart and way beyond caring to reciprocate. Do I hate him? I'm angry that he didn't find "us" worthy enough to try and save our marriage, but I don't hate him...feel sorry is more like it. He's going to feel the pain in the end, just as I felt the pain of his betrayal. But the best part Caren is that I've moved forward. I'm planning a trip to take my kids to London....we sat down the kids and I and made a plan on how much to save and how to do it...we've made it a family project and are going to have fun! We do things each and every weekend and if their father calls then he does, if not...it's his loss. Life does move forward a bit slower than usual, but it is a much healthier and safer "move" as everyone is much happier.

Remove yourself and your children from the drama Caren...I beg you to only see your children being hurt by this. You cannot change Mark...he is the only one who can do that and until he is ready and committed, you are spinning your wheels. Gather your courage, strength and your faith in God....lay the burden at his cross and he will get you through this....

Good Luck and I'm always available to talk.