Some of us have many years of being w/the same person and aren't really sure of the "games" that are now being played.

I think to spare future heart-ache of being used for whatever reason - social life, SF, money, etc. Or just hooking up with another cheater, deadbeat, etc. I'd like to see a list of what everyone's red flags might look like..

Keep them coming....

Married & divorced twice
Married & divorced twice without understanding or taking responsibility for their contributions in the marriage not working out.
Never married
Never married & no children
Constant talk/worry about money
Too involved with parents (read Mama's boy or still trying to please Dad)
Unkind to service people
Lack of empathy
Excessive exercising- 7 days a week for hours at a time
Lots of complaining about bad luck or how things never go their way
Lack of confidence

If I think of others I'll come back.

A bartender, any bartender, knows him/her by name because he/she is a "regular".

WHat about the type that fall too hard too fast?

Is this a sign of not being able to maintain a long term relationship? Too needy??

How much attention is too much at the start of a relationship?

You listed as red flags:

Never married and Never married, no kids.

I guess I understand why that might be red flags but I wonder if there are valid circumstances under which these wouldn´t be red flags. And what would these circumstances be?

Nora

[color:"green"]Guys, without being offended, please substitue she for he:

Is there anything you can do to avoid abusers and narcissists to start with? Are there any warning signs, any identifying marks, rules of thumbs to shield you from the harrowing and traumatic experience of an abusive relationship?

Imagine a first or second date. You can already tell if he is a would-be abuser. Here's how:

Perhaps the first telltale sign is the abuser's alloplastic defenses - his tendency to blame every mistake of his, every failure, or mishap on others, or on the world at large. Be tuned: does he assume personal responsibility? Does he admit his faults and miscalculations? Or does he keep blaming you, the cab driver, the waiter, the weather, the government, or fortune for his predicament?

Is he hypersensitive, picks up fights, feels constantly slighted, injured, and insulted? Does he rant incessantly? Does he treat animals and children impatiently or cruelly and does he express negative and aggressive emotions towards the weak, the poor, the needy, the sentimental, and the disabled? Does he confess to having a history of battering or violent offenses or behavior? Is his language vile and infused with expletives, threats, and hostility?

Next thing: is he too eager? Does he push you to marry him having dated you only twice? Is he planning on having children on your first date? Does he immediately cast you in the role of the love of his life? Is he pressing you for exclusivity, instant intimacy, almost rapes you and acts jealous when you as much as cast a glance at another male? Does he inform you that, once you get hitched, you should abandon your studies or resign your job (forgo your personal autonomy)?

Does he respect your boundaries and privacy? Does he ignore your wishes (for instance, by choosing from the menu or selecting a movie without as much as consulting you)? Does he disrespect your boundaries and treats you as an object or an instrument of gratification (materializes on your doorstep unexpectedly or calls you often prior to your date)? Does he go through your personal belongings while waiting for you to get ready?

Does he control the situation and you compulsively? Does he insist to ride in his car, holds on to the car keys, the money, the theater tickets, and even your bag? Does he disapprove if you are away for too long (for instance when you go to the powder room)? Does he interrogate you when you return ("have you seen anyone interesting") - or make lewd "jokes" and remarks? Does he hint that, in future, you would need his permission to do things - even as innocuous as meeting a friend or visiting with your family?

Does he act in a patronizing and condescending manner and criticizes you often? Does he emphasize your minutest faults (devalues you) even as he exaggerates your talents, traits, and skills (idealizes you)? Is he wildly unrealistic in his expectations from you, from himself, from the budding relationship, and from life in general?

Does he tell you constantly that you "make him feel" good? Don't be impressed. Next thing, he may tell you that you "make" him feel bad, or that you make him feel violent, or that you "provoke" him. "Look what you made me do!" is an abuser's ubiquitous catchphrase.

Does he find sadistic sex exciting? Does he have fantasies of rape or pedophilia? Is he too forceful with you in and out of the sexual intercourse? Does he like hurting you physically or finds it amusing? Does he abuse you verbally - does he curse you, demeans you, calls you ugly or inappropriately diminutive names, or persistently criticizes you? Does he then switch to being saccharine and "loving", apologizes profusely and buys you gifts?

If you have answered "yes" to any of the above - stay away! He is an abuser.

Then there is the abuser's body language. It comprises an unequivocal series of subtle - but discernible - warning signs. Pay attention to the way your date comports himself - and save yourself a lot of trouble!
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sunny,

that is a great post. Thanks!

Though it doesn´t apply to my BF, it would have applied way back when I was dating exH. I don´t know if I would have been able to see it then but the more information we have the better our choices.

Nora

A red flag to me (now) would be anyone who comes on too strong, too fast I.E. too much too soon.

Love at first site looks very scary to me now.

Still in home from a previous marriage. Still sleeping in bed from previous marriage. Refusal to consider moving.
Anxious when out of control -- must maintain routine; stressed and grouchy when forced to adapt to change.
Spends beyond means.
Has close friends who use drugs, even if he/she purports not to use them.

As for the never married, never married, never had children. This is a red flag to me as a partner & a mother. I'd like to have someone who understands the commitment I have to my boys & how to commit to being a couple..

Yes, there are absolutely circumstances under which these wouldn't be a concern. He had a long term committed relationship/s & understands the compromises one makes for their partner. The childless man is a bit more difficult though. Unless he's had experience with children, helping to raise them or very close with people who have children & has been in the position to care for them, I'd be concerned he wouldn't understand the devotion one has for their kids.

We need to discern carefully the meaning of red flags.

Example...if a guy does not call you in a day...does that mean he does not care for you and this mean a red flag?

The saying goes if you love someone then you should be able to make one call to your love one. This is an expectation. If that person fails to fulfill this expectation then we will be disappointed and may categories this disappointment as a red flag...meaning in future he will not be so caring towards our needs etc etc....so better to end the relationship now before ending up with another failure in marriage.

Red flags = expectation = are our own selfish need/ defence mechanism / taker to protect ourself because we have been hurt before.

Do not allow red flags to rule our future. Use the correct method like proper communication method and understanding to choose the next partner. EVERYONE is GOOD even our ex...but if we failed to communicate and understand then that relationship will be doom for sure.

Communication means telling the other person how you feel and understanding means accepting his views even if it is against yours.

I had a humble experience of how red flags can kill the joy out of any relationship before it even starts.

Huge red flag for me is when a guy does not have any friends.

My Ex never had any friends. He went through 4 yrs of college, and no friends. He worked at a company for 13 yrs and made no friends. I spoke to my IC and he said that Narcisists usually have no friends. They are so into themselves that they usualy do not contribute into the relationship. They have the "It's all about me attitude."

BIG [color:"red"]RED[/color] FLAGS:

1. Anyone who is afraid to let you see, touch or scroll the contacts on his cellphone.

2. Anyone who doesn't tell his family that he's seeing you.

3. Any woman who attempts to control your life within three dates.

4. Anyone who professes love within one date.

5. Too many gifts.

6. Too many compliments.

7. Anyone who doesn't ask QUESTIONS.

zizzycool makes some really good points. There are no guarantees when it comes to relationships. Hindsight is 20/20 but it's impossible to be as clearsighted when looking at the future, even if we can eliminate the obvious problems like abuse and addiction.

The hardest part, for me, is being the kind of person with whom I would want to be in a relationship. Heaven forbid potential partners should judge me as harshly as I judge them, or myself!

landica, I know what you mean! jk,t, I think?!

Charlotte Kasl has a book out called If The Buddha Dated which a number of us really old timers have read. It has a very good chapter on red flags.

Oh lordy, that would be me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
But only for practical, financial reasons! The mortgage on my apartment's almost all paid. No sense looking for another house if I can relieve myself of some financial debt for a few years. Besides, it's a decent apartment! Unfortunately also, the warranty on our mattress (we have a custom made mattress) is longer than our marriage. I'm still sleeping on the same bed and using the mattress. Until I meet a SO, or until the mattress is worn from usage, no sense changing it.

I read a book by Steven Arterburn & Meg Rinck recently and they've listed a few red flags. Here it is:

The Angry Man
- Is passive or active, subtle or direct with this rage
- You become the target
- Sees women as good/bad, madonna/******, perfect/worthless
- Is uptight, obsessive, demanding, perfectionist
- Rages when you have needs. Discount others and their needs

Women to whom he is attracted:
- Care taker
- People pleaser
- Someone he thinks will 'take it'
- Someone who lets others dominate her
- Someone who is apt to blame herself for any problems

Controller
- Doing things 'right' more important than relationship
- Irritated, angry when you mess up
- Critical most of the time
- Close-minded, has established ways and will not vary
- Uses intimidation to force others to do it his way

Women to whom he is attracted
- Insecure, unsure of herself (male chauvinist controller wants a confident woman who is willing to meet his every need)
- Loyal & devoted
- Willing to be possessed
- willing to be controlled
- Willing to let him make all decisions

Wonderful Guy
- He's too good to be true
-Goes to extremes
- His main goal is to have power over you
- Can talk his way out of anything
- Self-centered, self absorbed, grandoise

Women to whom he is attracted:
- Beautiful
- Smart
- Willing to give him all the attention
- Willing to be used & discarded
- Devoted & adoring

Addict
- Physical, mental, social, emotional or spiritual aspects of life affected by addiction
- Denies he has a problem, despite preoccupation
- Addictive behaviour escalates with greater consequences
- Acts distant, moody, even abusive
- You sense something is wrong, even if not sure what it is

Women to whom he is attracted
- Believes in the rules, don't fret, don't talk, don't trust
- Is used to living in stress and chaos(usually family member had a problem of some sort)
- Has troubles maintaining boundaries
- Caretaker-martyr personality. Excessive caring
- Did not receive adequate acceptance as a child

Liar Liar
- You're suspicious he is lying to you
- When caught he is without genuine shame, remorse
- He is unable to emphatise w/others
- He's affable, charming outside. inside: cold & heartless. Puts you down with/o chagrin
- Takes charge easily. Others follow gladly.

His women:
- Vulnerable, naive
- Young (if older, gullible)
- Wealthy if possible
- Trusts men more than self; accepts what is told without questions
- Overly subservient, caretakers, nuturers
- Lonely, widowed, divorced, no kids or kids gone or busy
- Honest, to a fault, herself

Eternal Kid
- Is self centered, either sweetly or arrogantly
- Irresponsible at the core. limits are unknown
- Chauvinistic. Sees men as more important than women
- Is in a dream world, does not learn from mistakes
- If a User, he has a temper. Lashes out when he wants to be left alone

His women:
- Competent, knows what she is doing
- Doesn't mind being used financially, emotionally, mentally
- Is self-sufficient, or willing to live in poverty
- Willing to take all responsibility, leaving him to do as he pleases
- Will take care of him, but then will leave him alone.

Cowardly Lion
- Remains silent passive when they ought to speak
- Think of themselves first "take care of number 1"
- Tend to be resentful and passive agressive
- Some are chameleons, changeable
- His faith in God is very weak

His women:
- Complements his weak areas
- A risk taker
- Solid in convictions, perfectionist
- Extroverted, strong
- If a bully, a timid woman who will acquiese



Phew! that was a lot... there are a few more types and red flags, I'm afraid I'll get told off for copyrights. I know the above is all about men, all sterotyped, but I would like to see some red flags and types of women too, just so that I can be more aware.

WOW - are there any such thing as green flags? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

FR

Interesting...

Here are some of what I think would be mine:

1) She says ILY or talks about our future together on the first or second date.

2) Any mention of her first name connected to my last name before an engagement.

3) Hiding her children or past because she's afraid of "scaring" me.

4) Push to become "exclusive" to quickly.

5) "Pretending" to like something I like instead of being honest (ex-OW did this). This is not the same as trying to investigate interest.

6) Talks about previous husband or boyfriend without being asked.

7) EXPECTS lavish dates from a "generous older gentleman"

8) Has no job and/or lives with parents.

9) Doesn't care for her appearance.

Green flags:

1) Gracious and open.

2) Smiles. Makes eye contact.

3) Is well spoken and intelligent.

4) Well dressed and groomed.

Any signs of controlling behavior.
Making decisions for me.
Ordering me around. Even in a nice tone of voice.
Evidence of violence.
Glorifying violence.
Family history of violence.
Addictive personality and/or addictions to drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, etc.
Doesn't have any friends.
Doesn't trust other people.
Lives with parents.
Dislikes animals.
My animals dislike (or distrust) him.