In two more days, it will have been a month since d-day. I feel like it has progressed past "Just found out" so I'm starting a new thread here in GQII to journal my recovery.

Here is a link to the first thread:
Ten year secret

Tomorrow is supposed to be our second MC, but my FWW informed me last night, that she doesn't want to go. She raised it after I had shown her the MB site for the first time and done a quick pass through of the basic concepts.

According to POJA, I must respect her desires not to come to MC with me. I'm still hoping she'll change her mind though...I'll go either way.

SInce the A is over, you might get better input on the recovery board as well in your particular sitch.

Thanks intexas. I thought of that too. But then I read a lot of recommendations from other posts to put it in GQII since there is more traffic here.

I was just reading your post too. I hurt for you. Be strong. Sounds like you're not having too good of day today. I'll pray for you.

Well, I think POJA is a little more about discussing the issue, getting each other's input and deciding on something you can both agree on.

Did she say WHY she didn't want to go?

She thinks that I am the one who needs help (with communicating, and with getting past the new knowledge of the old A). I'll be the first to admit that I am not a good communicator. I'm an introvert. But I desperately want to learn how to meet her EN for communication.

She doesn't think there is any value to her going. She thinks the A was over 10 years ago and I need to move on.

I told her I would go regardless and hoped she would change her mind.

And wouldn't MC help you learn to communicate with her? Her answer just doesn't make any sense.

Oh she wants me to go. She just doesn't think she needs to be there...

I know! I know! Pick me! :::jumping up and down with my hand in the air:::

I was like that. My H was the problem...the bad communicator and I was the good one. I was always telling him everything about me, open, talkative. He was quiet, a conflict avoider. Anyone could see I was the good communicator.

I wouldn't go. He had to...I didn't go because I feared.

Rightly so, too.

I think that's why Harley says one spouse can save a marriage...you go, you learn listening exercises and bring them home, so she can "help" you by participating. You learn about listening, repeating, filters, repair attempts, accepting influence...and by accident, she will, also.

Beautifully contagious knowledge.

Be proud you know you lack in that area and can be open to learning it correctly. You are really a man of integrity...you go and don't worry about why she isn't this time. Over time, she will. She will face her fear and through the exercises, you'll be privy to it as they build your trust of communication and intimacy.

It's a beautiful thing.

Can I have a gold star now?

LA

Yes, yes, gold stars for LA <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the encouragement. I will stay cheerful and go on my own and work on me. I sure need it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

My aching chest is back. Haven't felt it for a few days now. Roller coaster is currently DOWN <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Well, last night she told me (after talking with some friends about it) that she would come to MC with me. Obviously I was happy. But my happiness was tempered with a growing hurt that has been building since Monday morning.

The physical pain (feels like heartburn) in my chest at the hurt and sorrow over her betrayal is building. Fortunately during MC today, I discovered why. I have been repressing my feelings, not only about my recent discovery of the A, but just in general.

I have not felt safe expressing my feelings due to W's negative reactions.

My challenge will be to confide, practice radical honesty, not fear, believe that she will still love me, not leave me.

Congrats on the new knowledge. Relief to know your choice in sharing your thoughts and feelings and that it isn't in her power to force you not to, huh?

I'm still waiting for my H to respond to my request about his thoughts and feelings on that hidden A. Might be November, but I'll wait for it. Then I'll share it.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

We had some opportunities to practice this over the last two days or so. I still have a lot to learn, but it is working well so far.

Another area I'm working on is not trying to solve problems between W and I, but rather to empathize and validate W's feelings.

Terrific area to work on, intention.

When I read that 90% of marital problems didn't have to be solved, but understood, a light went on in my head big time.

We were just discussing this last night...H felt more comfortable talking to me when he sensed I was thinking, feeling and believing like he was. When I wasn't, he would feel fear and try to get me to change my thoughts, beliefs and feelings to fit him and comfort him.

I know I bent his elbow as far as I could to get the exact same response. Injecting respect into our marriage (truly, for the first time), really got us to understand the difference between an argument and a disagreement.

We can believe, think and feel differently from each other...that's a disagreement. Not about right or wrong, just two different opinions. Arguing is the arm bending and waiting for Uncle somewhere.

I wouldn't even recommend you empathize...listen, repeat, validate. Respect her feelings, thoughts and beliefs are hers and are no threat to your own. I backed off empathy with my spouse because I tended to jump into his skin and see from his point of view instead of my own. I would inject my thoughts and feelings over his in reaction to whatever he was saying.

I stick to compassion instead, and he no longer feels the responsible for my feelings...not a burden to carry for him...most of which came from my misuse of empathy.

LA

Good points there. That makes a lot of sense. We went out last night and were actually able to talk about the A without either one of us getting too emotional. It felt really good to do that.

FWW asks me if I'm still struggling. I say that on occasion I still hurt. She says that is evidence that I haven't forgiven her. I think one can forgive but still feel pain. She disagrees.

So I guess that is one of those points where we simply have different ideas and don't try to twist arms.

But then I go back to the anger stage - and wonder if I really have forgiven her. Maybe she is right. What she did is so incomprehensible to me.

How do I know if I have forgiven her?

She is trying to make your forgiveness of her your guilt. That's fog talk. Instead put reality into it and let her know that until she can show you she is worth forgiving......your feelings are going to stay as is.

You can't forgive if she is still a WS. Otherwise you w/b forgiving someone who isn't repentant.

L.

She is no longer a WS and is repentant. Apologized with sincerity on d-day. But then got "cool" and told me to get over it. She actually apologized again yesterday which was good.

I say I forgive her and I want to, but sometimes I really question myself. I can't comprehend what she did. It is unforgivable. But I want to forgive her.

Then she isn't repentant. Repentance is not a temporary stance. Her coolness is indicitive of another dark side. One closely related to a WS in withdrawal. If she can get you to believe you are the one who has to get over it, her WS will gain power and soon overcome your wife who needs to escape. Don't give the WS any power. Don't forgive a WS, forgive your W.

Btw, if you are not convinced she is ready to be taken back into the family fold as a trusted member, then you probably should NOT be forgiving her and giving her carte blanche.

L.

Can she really be in withdrawal after 10 years of NC? She definitely thinks I'm the one who has to forgive, forget and move on. I like the distinction between forgiving the WS vs. the W.


I'm not quite sure what you mean by this. Can you elaborate? Thanks.

FWW is out with a female friend tonight. I'm home waiting for her to return. Feeling a little sad, and perhaps a touch resentful but I'm not really sure why.