I have been tracking my husband's cell phone records for about 5 months now only because I noticed on our bills that he keeps calling this one particular number.

Every month that goes by the calls to this number increase and increase. For example, the last billing cycle he had 260 minutes usage on his cell phone with 160 of these minutes to this woman.

Now, of course, I confronted him about this and he just said it was a friend going through a tough time. I also know this friend, and find it kinda weird that he wouldn't mention that so-and-so is going through a tough time.

Thoughts???????? I know what mine are...

Is she married?

not_sure <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> welcome.....sorry you have to be here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Keep your gard up, but don't confront him anymore, FOR NOW! You want to gother evidence...and unfortunately he may just go underground now since you got suspecious and it may take time to disproove or proof. I hope, he is telling the truth.

So, try to watch his behaviour now.....

Is there anything else that he is doing that is different?

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Why does he have female friends? Did you know he was friends with her before?

It's odd that he would keep it a secret if she is someone he is helping out, eh? And how much help does she really need? I mean, 160 minutes, are they reading the dictionary together over the phone?

When do the calls occur? Is it at odd hours and why are they never when you are around?

You should definately be concerned about this, it smells fishy. If you know this woman, can you call her yourself and say you heard she was having a tough time, ask her what's up? Better yet, call her in front of your husband, like it's no big deal, and ask how she is doing.

If your husband is involved in an affair, you've been seeing the signs. Think about it. Has he been acting or talking differently? Has he been staying late at work, or started some new hobby that takes him away from the home?

Good Luck.

A female friend going through a tough time is an ideal way for an EA to start even though it began quite innocently. You really need to put a stop to this before it gets out of hand if it hasn't already. We men are suckers for a damsel in distress. Huge character flaw.

If your H feels compelled to talk to this woman, insist that he will only ever do it in your presence. Get on the phone with him and offer your help.

Better just to let her find another friend.

get her addy from reverse phone directory.

get a pi.

find out how much real contact is going on.

and expose.

do recon on ow...married? single? job? friends/family?

expose.

it is an INAPPROPRIATE FRIENDSHIP...especially since he is HIDING IT FROM YOU. if it were kosher, he'd be telling you all about it instead of hiding the bill. and he'd ask your opinion and maybe get you to talk to her if it were innocent. I know. I have male friends at work. found out tonight they're planning surprise presents for my birthday...guess what? THEY INCLUDED THEIR WIVES in the planning...they're all taking me and my son to dinner and got us something sweet.

that is what NON CHEATERS DO...nothing to hide. THEY INVOLVE THEIR SPOUSES in doing/contacting friends of opposite sex.

Plus, their wives know me well and know that I am ADAMANTLY OPPOSED TO ADULTERY AND WOULD RATHER JUST BE PLANTLIKE RATHER THAN DATE A MARRIED GUY...I am totally safe <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

see? that is how you respect your marriage partner when you have a friend of opposite sex. NO SECRETS! PERIOD.

Thanks for all of the quick replies. I have had a lot of those same thoughts.

This woman is single now... BUT, married and divorced 3 times.

Apparently, as he told me, she is going through a tough time because she has been having an affair w/someone he works with for 12 years and this guy always told her that he would leave his wife for her. Well apparently not only did this guy leave his wife, but he dumped her and she latched on to my husband..or so he says.

I asked my husband why the secrecy?

If it is totally innocent, as he claims, then why can't he call her from home with me in the room?

I know her addy...******, I know her...we used to work together and she was my husband's first boss many, many years ago.

All of a sudden, since I asked him about it...ALL calls have ceased.

He may be telling the truth. It may have started out innocently. Unfortunately he cannot recognize when it becomes an EA until it is too late. If he is hiding anything at all, he already crossed the line.

It will be difficult for him to go cold turkey if he is in denial about the EA. Get on the phone with him. Let this be something to two of you do together if he cannot stop. It will totally change his attitude about what he is doing and will stop the secrecy. You need to get right in the middle of this before it is too late.

Your H's intentions may be honorable but the OW's are likely not.

I think it is highly suspicious. I have many friends, and family, and I don't spend that amount of time on the phone to them.

At the very least, your husband is getting some kind of emotional needs met from these calls. How is your marriage?

Check out the emotional needs section here on the home page. Men's top needs are usually admiration and sex. Are you meeting those?

I once got into an EA many many years ago (long before I met gemela) exactly as you describe your H doing before I ever knew there was such a thing as an EA. I don't think it could ever have gotten to a PA because she was married and that is a big no-no for me - a line I cannot cross.

Even so, it began as me just wanting to help someone but I got more and more emotionally involved. It was never about sex. It was about me feeling good about helping another human being and her manipulating my good intentions. Now I see it for what it was but I couldn't then. It went from friendship to EA with no clear definition. Even so, our dialogue was not about love - it was about her problem but I still began to fall in love with her. I ran away quickly once I realized it.

This is just an idea and depends on where your H actually is emotionally but:

If your H really is in an A, you need to expose. If he doesn't realize he is in an A, still expose but more softly. Make people aware of the poor woman's condition and solicit help from others for her. Get other men to offer their support as well. If he still believes he is just trying to help someone and you make him stop, he will resent you as being selfish and insensitive. If you offer to step in in his place and you take charge of helping this poor wounded soul, you get him out of contact, show you are compassionate and caring and might bring you and H even closer. It just really depends on how far things have progressed. I doubt this is MB mainline thinking but, as a man having been there before, I can see the confusion your H could be in. Whatever the case and whatever you decide to do, you need to make changes right now. Don't wait for anything.

This months cell phone bill came today. Lots and lots of calls, but he did stop calling her (at least from his cell phone) since I confronted him about it last Friday. He called her the morning of Valentine's Day...all of the other calls have been at night.

He was also away on business and called her several times from there...odd, eh?

Now I suppose by confronting him, I blew it because he knows that I am now suspicious and is probably calling her from the office. What to I do now? Here I thought I was being so smart and patient and all I've done is to drive him underground.

Yep, he will be sneakier.

But you can get busy on Plan A and meeting his emotional needs.

Anytime you reveal intel, you compromise the source. I doubt he is restricting his calls to only the office. It is more likely he will get a secret cellphone to maintain the call pattern.

The fact that he is hiding anything means at least an EA is going on. Married people should never need to hide anything from each other. Do H and OW work together? Who can you expose this to?