Hi, friends. I'm having an internal fight with my head and my heart. I'd love some objective opinions from the "pros".

I started dating before my divorce was final. I'm honest. I was so totally clueless with regards to dating. I've met some awesome guys online and have grown and learned a lot about myself. I'm reading like crazy---I'll be darned if I don't come out of this a better person! I am a big supporter of the Marriage Builders concept, but I've also started to read the Mars/Venus stuff. Hence my confusion.

I met a guy at the end of 2005 that totally made me melt. Our values, parenting, faiths are so similiar. I think I fell early on and I haven't felt this way in a LONG time. From what he says when I see him, it seems/seemed mutual.

Though I've never met one, he is a workaholic. Works hard, plays and sleeps little. His child is wiith him every other week and he travels some of the week he is alone. He calls daily, and we see each other about twice a week. Always fun, always "connected". However, I need more. More time to just build. I've dated guys casually that wanted to see me more. This bothers me. BIG TIME.

We discussed SF fairly early on, and it's importance/meaning to me/us. He told me he wanted "the whole package" vs. sex. Last week for the first time in weeks, my kids were gone for the night and we went to dinner. We had a great time, a long drawn out goodbye, yet he didn't come in and I didn't ask him. Almost immediately after he left, I called him on his cell and asked if he'd want to come back, as I didn't ask him in and it had "snuggability" written all over it. (I.E.--->I want you now, sort of phone call.) The wine sincerely fogged my memory, but he said something like, "no, he was almost home" and I said "cool". Talk about going out on a limb.....I've hidden my injured self-esteem after that episode from him.

The Mars/Venus thing says that a man will go to his cave (sounds stupid just typing it) and "uncertainty" definitely follows the first stage.
I've read more about caves, rubberbanding and no contact than I think I should.

I am so torn. I want to meet his needs and fill his love bank, which I KNOW he needs. It's empty. He tells me that with me he "finally and truly relaxes". But, likewise, I need my EN filled. He verbally tells me what I need/want to hear, but his actions with regard to his time speak differently. I am also torn with the other theory of men wanting to pursue. I seldom call, text or email him. But in honesty, I didn't do that with my WH and look where that got me.

He's not meeting all of my needs of more time with him to build on the young relationship we have. Yet the Venus/Mars thing is so one-sided, as if I have little voice and I have to wait for HIM. Should I try to discuss it again, shut up and enjoy the ride, yet see other people? I KNOW----he'll NOT change. At 40ish, his priorities are set.

AUGHHH. Suggestions?

UpandRunning

I was there like you.

I recommend reading two more...for better or best by Gary Smalley and A Lasting Promise. A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage. Scott Stanley. Daniel Trathen. Savanna McCain. Milt Bryan

Read the above recommendation and you will have the understanding.

His actions with regard to his time speak differently because you have an expectation which he is not fulfilling.

You cant change him. You can only change yourself. Look at how you feel about him. Do you love him to make the changes for him? Can you accept him as is? Will you resent him later for the changes you will be making for him?

Dont allow your insecurities of your previous betrayal to creep into your current by saying that if this is not done this way then he is not the right one.

Talk to him. Even if you have a ton of time together but fail in communicating effectively...it still wont work. Communicate to understand. Understand and accept it as is no matter how much you dont like it. If you cant tolerate it then move on. Only you can make the changes and find what makes you happy.

[color:"green"]I think the easiest thing to do would be to ask him directly what the deal is...

At 44 I think a lot of men want the "whole package" and not just sex, so maybe he wants to wait to develop the relationship.

At 44 not all men are functioning with the reliability of an 18 year old. That could be an embarrassing reason why he would want to know you better before becoming so vulnerable to you.

He could have intimacy problems similar to the ones that drove your ex to porn.

He could be one of those guys that aren't all that interested anymore.

You haven't said much about his background. Has he talked about his previous relationships?

V.[/color]

Zizzycool: Thanks for the suggestions on the books. I'll definitely get them. I "think" I could love him enough to overlook his work priorities, but unless we spend a certain quantitiy of time together, how will I know? The quality of our time together is always awesome, though limitied, as I shared.

Sunny: I'm pretty sure this could be a factor with regard to SF/intimacy. He did share with me early on that work stresses/pressures can be a problem. Another friend has told me that perhaps his WXW "beat him up" in this department as she went outside of the marriage after 10+ years.

I guess the lack of time together bothers me more than the SF. Are there some men that just don't require or need a lot of time with their significant other? We are not seeing other people and I feel in my heart that he truly means what he's saying to me, he just wants to move slowly. The John Gray stuff has me confused though. I'd like to let him know I'm thinking about him every now and then, but M/V says to let him persue all the time. But how can I meet his EN if I take that attitude?

UpandRunning

I've read M/V and have found the books interesting, but don't feel like you have to follow it to the letter! Be yourself. I see nothing wrong w/ you calling him every now and then to let him know you are thinking of him. I'm sure that would make him feel great. I don't feel a few phone calls from you will hinder his pursuit....

I think the bigger issue, as you've stated, is if you can learn to live w/ his long work hours, cuz it's not likely to change....

hugs
DW

[color:"green"]The best I can say is give it some more time, talk about it again and then if he still is pulling back, then maybe you should cut your losses.

If SF is very important to your happiness then you need someone that will meet that EN. Otherwise you will be like a starving person in front of a banquet but unable to eat for the rest of your life.

Not a recipe for happiness.

Harley said that meeting top ENs should be effortless and pleasant. If this guy has intimacy problems - either physical or emotional, then it needs to be out in the open.

I've found that physical intimacy problems disappear for the most part as the relationship grows more emotionally intimate. As for those occasional nights when stress or anxiety appear to ruin things - well that is what they make those little blue pills for... Guys have very fragile egos, be patient but persistent and try to be a safe person (non-reactive and non-judgmental) to talk to if he does open up.

With time together - be patient. It took me two years (almost) before I was the ultimate priority and my BF was consistent about consulting me before making plans. He had many other hobbies in the past that took up huge chunks of his time. He wanted me to be with him and gradually realized that I wasn't going to hang out and I would make other plans rather than be 100% available while he was preoccupied with other things. We have worked gradually toward a balance.

I would be a little worried about a "work addict". Was his ex wife a work widow besides not getting SF? You should read Dr. Phil's new book - Love Smart - it gives you questions you can ask and how to interpret the answers in order to figure out if your guy is a keeper or not.

Frankly John Grey is not one of my favorite dudes and I do not take his M/V stuff seriously - it is all anecdotal (or stories/observations) not hard data from studies and is only superficially relevant.

V. [/color]

Mars Venus has a lot of good advice, but I think it is often misinterpreted as meaning that the woman should sit around waiting for the guy to initiate every contact. Not so. While men like to pursue, they also like the reassurance that their attentions and pursuit are appreciated. A woman who says and does little or nothing after several dates, sends the signal that she is not interested. It's not a crime to invite him over for dinner.

As for SF, I can relate to a man being a bit gun shy, especially if his WXW emotionally raped him, like mine did. Like your guy, I want the entire meal, not just the dessert. But, many women today, are very demanding sexually and will toss a man out in a minute if he doesn't live up to her expectations. Many middle aged women don't offer much in the way of emotional safety to a man.

Just read some of the comments on this forum about SF. Things like "SF is important to me, and if a guy can't deliver the goods, what use is he?".
Who needs that?