I haven't posted in a while, but some of you might remember my story. My WW is having an EA with my cousing 3600 miles away. I have exposed it to his parents, his now XGF who he is still living with and continuing to hide the A from, and her parents. WW is still deeply in the fog. She's denying that it even is an affair, and her perspective is that our relationship is beyond saving because of the problems outside of the affair. It's clear to me that this is her rationalization of her feelings, and that once the affair has ended, we'll be able to look at the relationship constructively and determine a course of action. Right now, I want to fix it and she wants to end it. I have been trying plan A, and while I am working hard at it, I still have trouble. It's hard to get past the resentment, and while I absolutely own my part in the relationship problems, I am having a hard time with the fact that everything I do and everything I am seems to annoy her.

I simply can't change that, and while I do try to respect her space, and not smother her too much, I have difficulty with this because I want to give her affection. I have worked hard to listen to her respectfully, and not judge her. I feel that I am meeting whatever needs she allows me to, but because she is so determined to keep this affair going, she is doing all she can to find fault with me and with our relationship. This morning she told me that I never listen to her, because I refused to accept that our relationship has problems that are much bigger than the affair and this should mean that we need to work to dissolve the marriage. I told her that the A was the reason that we are unable to look at our relationship honestly together to see what our problems are, and determine where to go with it. Of course she is well aware that I want to fix it and think this is doable and worth it.

So I am having trouble putting aside my feelings and making her feel safe, loved, validated and secure when she continues to take advantage of me and is having her cake and eating it too. Anyone have any advice for me at this stage?

Sounds very typical.

Patience, time, consistency.

One piece of advice - Stop "telling" her anything about the affair.

Of course you are right about the affair being an impediment. But trying to explain this to her in her current mindset likely makes her more determined to "prove" you wrong.

WAT

Sounds all too familiar,

I never knew I had that many faults and was such a bad person when my W was in that stage.

Try going on dates or weekend get-aways with your W and try your hardest to pretend the A never existed. Just talk about other things in life without any pressure and keep things as lite as possible.

Or just try doing things for her without asking/expecting anything in return.

Doesn't solve everything but it should help.

Thanks WAT, that's what I needed to hear. It always seems to come down to the struggle between what we both want. She says that I won't look at anything unless it's on my terms. I think this is what you are hitting on: if I don't tell her what I know to be true, she won't have anything to "prove" me wrong on. It's very difficult, however, to maintain my view of her as my equal (which I believe and have always tried to maintain, even if the roles we play haven't been) when I see her making these decisions and living her life in a way that is so irresponsible and childish.

Be a husband, not a parent.......

Show your love, don't merely tell it.......

Expect the real her to return, don't try to force it......

WAT

Absolutely.

Irresponsible, childish, selfish were all terms that could be applied to my FWW during her foggy time. But never to her face. The thing to remember is to ensure you also take care of you. Plan A is also very much about self improvement and ensuring you are a good 'catch' whatever the outcome and keeping yourself on the mental and physical straight and narrow. The emotional toll on me during my FWW fog was immense. I took up going to the gym to lose some of the lard I had accumulated and also started cooking again, I kept my mind active and dropped the behaviour that was clearly annoying her. With things like cooking I could say to to FWW, "I fancy some Salmon tonight, would you like to join me?" If yes, then I could prepare a nice meal - often from a downloaded recipe- if not then I had a smashing meal on my own or with the kids (if you have any). It got to the stage that by mid week she was asking me what I was cooking for her that weekend and has now become a habit.

Going out on my own was also important. To see friends and to keep MY life going during that time. I was barely good company but it kept me sane. I was constantly accused of smothering behaviour - so I backed off. And I dropped all R talk, as advised by the good people here.

You will take a huge toll. Do not rise to baited comments, keep calm. If things get heated remove yourself from the situation. Do not show weakness but show sensitivity. Its all about your Giver and it can hurt.

My wife and I are now well into recovery. It's rocky and can be traumatic, and I have my doubts occasionally. But it's worth every minute and I'm glad I stuck the course.

Sorry for long post. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I certainly don't say anything like that to her face - but I'm not sure if I'm saying it in other ways. Another thing about our relationship that I have always been happy about is the level of honesty. In some way I feel like I am being dishonest or two faced with her if I feel one way about her and act another. In some way I wonder if I'm guilty of the same thing that she is, rationalizing her actions because I feel a certain way about the situation.

I worried about that too, I must admit. However, my kids deserved two parents in a good and committed marriage and, lets face it, the rewriting of our marriage was hardly doing me any favours. As time has progressed the aspects of me that FWW criticised have generally disappared, so I'm not being two faced about doing some things, I'm now doing them as part of my normal behaviour. How bizarre is that. As she was steadily emptying my love bank, I was filling hers. Now she also fills mine, I have new, learned behaviour, and we are getting along much better.

Can I say for certain that sitting for an hour listening to her talking about her day is scintillating for me when I could be off playing games? Absolutely not. Instead I have learnt something about her trade (a teacher) and can now contribute to a two way conversation about her work. Which is interesting. Conversely, she has become much more aware of me and my interests. Its a long slow progress, but it appears to work.

So yes, I did feel two faced, almost detached and controlling, but to hear her say "Our kids will be happy when I'm happy" and "I was never in love with you I only married you as I knew you'd produce good children" (seriously, she said that) was just such a crock of excrement...

But I was the one crying each night when she had gone to bed. I was the one trying to salvage a good marriage that had gone dull. I was the one who wanted to be able to look my children in their faces when they grew up and say I fought for the marriage. I didn't give in. I wanted a family that loved each other.

And I think I'm getting it.