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Melody, I do welcome disagreement. As 2B also said, it is the WAY in which you personally attack someone's character. I know you must understand the difference. I know you mean well, but it turns people away. As I said, I think you will learn to disagree in the right spirit and not allow anger to pervade your posts when you disagree. It's okay; we are all learning on this journey.
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MelodyLane,
I really don't think you are understanding what I've said and what sfjaj said to you. It was the way you disagreed that disrupted the thread. 2BNoraml, I don't think YOU understand. Disagreeing with someones' opinion is NOT "bashing." If that is so, then sjfaf has "BASHED" me. Now, wouldn't that be ridiculous to assert that disagreeing with someone is "bashing" them? But, if you feel it is, then you should report it to the moderator. However, you are not a moderator and are not in a position to dictate behavior.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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There have been a number of complaints about many threads on this forum where people feel that their opinions are being disrespected. This is troubling to me, because I've always felt that everyone's opinion should be respected.
It has become SO troubling to me of late that I felt the need to post this message to every member of this forum - newbie, lurker, old-timer alike - I don't care how many posts you've made, if this is your very first, or how much you know or do not know about MB, this message is for all of you: RESPECT ONE ANOTHER. If you disagree with someone's opinion, state it politely and without condescension or malice - or do not state it at all.
An opinion (a personal belief or judgment that is not founded on proof or certainty) does not have to be based in fact, nor backed up by any. Opinions are completely subjective. If you think someone's opinion is ridiculous, that's your prerogative, but it is NOT anyone's right to be rude (ill-mannered; discourteous) and/or condescending (to deal with people in a patronizingly superior manner) about it.
***Edited***
And if you are in question about whose opinion counts, remember: MINE is the one that counts [MOST] here. I haven't read any of the posts mentioned, so I'm not biased at this point. The quote above sits at the top of the forum. Obviously those in charge feel everyone has the right to express themselves. It says it doesn't matter if it is your first post or if you have been here a long time everyone is to respect one another. In other words we give consideration to their thoughts without malice. We may not all agree and if someone is violating the rules of this board, then it should be reported. But it's not up to each of us to be the enforcer, if it were that way then vigilatism would rule.
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Melody, I do welcome disagreement. As 2B also said, it is the WAY in which you personally attack someone's character. I know you must understand the difference. I know you mean well, but it turns people away. sjfaf, I think you are confusing a disagreement with a "personal attack. " When someone disagrees with you, it is not a "personal attack." Anymore than your disagreement with MB principles is an "attack." I have attacked your POINTS, just as you have attacked the MB principles that other posters have posted. I am quite happy with my manner of disagreement, as this is how I express myself. I am sure you don't like being disagreed with, but you can't dicate another's style of expression. I think that what turns folks away is when you contradict MB principles for no rational reason. They come here to learn about MB, after all. And you can't argue with success.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody, my best advice if you really wish to help others is to drop the anger. If you take the time to read your posts, they are brimming with anger and hostility. As I said before, I believe you will learn with time. I am here trying to help repair my M. I think you will learn to disagree without hostility
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And no, I am not "vindictive" I am disgusted and outraged at the shallow cruelty and thoughtlessness I see on this thread. Moral cowardice pisses me off almost as much as intellectually insulting rationalizations. Disagreeing IS NOT bashing. But, when you disagree by using words that attack someone's character, then it becomes bashing. The above post you made to me last week on a thread is a good example of bashing. To criticize (another) harshly, accusatorially, and threateningly. The post was criticizing me by calling me a moral coward. The post above WAS reported to the moderators as another poster felt the same as me.
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[
I haven't read any of the posts mentioned, so I'm not biased at this point. The quote above sits at the top of the forum. Obviously those in charge feel everyone has the right to express themselves. Exactly. And that is what we are doing here.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[
Disagreeing IS NOT bashing. But, when you disagree by using words that attack someone's character, then it becomes bashing. The above post you made to me last week on a thread is a good example of bashing. To criticize (another) harshly, accusatorially, and threateningly. The post was criticizing me by calling me a moral coward. The post above WAS reported to the moderators as another poster felt the same as me. 2BNormal, if you feel you were personally attacked, then you should by ALL MEANS report it to the mods. As I said previously, disagreeing is not bashing. Nor is making a TRUE STATEMENT.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody, my best advice if you really wish to help others is to drop the anger. I appreciate your concern, but please don't confuse forthrightness with anger. My advice to you would be to study the Marriage Builders program and learn its principles so you CAN help others. You can't help others until you have learned to help yourself, and MB principles have helped NUMEROUS people. There is a wealth of material here that you would get great benefit from.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody, it is not your disagreement; it is the use of names you use. That is not constructive criticism.
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As I said previously, disagreeing is not bashing. Nor is making a TRUE STATEMENT. And I agree as I said the same in the above post in which you quoted me.
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melody, that last post was actually quite constructive. Thanks for the suggestion: I will. Hopefully, between MB principles, my experiences and the others I will find many useful suggestions on how to continue repair in my M
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MelodyLane,
Please answer this honestly. In your post (quoted above) that was reported to the moderators, do you NOT feel that you were bashing me?
Honestly?
How do you feel that your post should have helped me?
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I think people need to understand the perspective of the poster. For instance, I would ignore advice from a person who had an affair, had an OC, and was fooling their spouse into raising the child as their own.
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Believer, I think you are on to something! I would disregard advice from excessively angry people or ones who have not read all of someone's posts to see what stage in M recovery they are in!
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melody, that last post was actually quite constructive. Thanks for the suggestion: I will. Hopefully, between MB principles, my experiences and the others I will find many useful suggestions on how to continue repair in my M A couple of WS' that are particularly knowledgable that you might benefit from are Dorry, Mrs. W and Suzet. They have a wealth of knowledge and are fully in recovery and well beyond the excuse and rationalization stage. [there may be more, but those come to mind immediately] In particular, Suzet has many threads about withdrawal and recovery that you might find helpful. I really do wish you well, sfjaj, and hope you give MB principles a try, you will find them to be lifechanging. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If we wait to listen to those who have never erred, each of these threads would be devoid of posters
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OK believer - that's enough of that.
Stop it.
I've stayed away from this until now but that really pisses me off.
Would you ignore advice from any FWS? Hmmmmmmmmm?
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MelodyLane,
Please answer this honestly. In your post (quoted above) that was reported to the moderators, do you NOT feel that you were bashing me?
Honestly?
How do you feel that your post should have helped me? 2BNoraml, it's over. Let it lie. If you have an issue, take it to the mods.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody, thank you. I will do that. I have not meant to imply to you that I have nothing to learn. My A was a terrible mistake, and I know I have a long way to go. I will take your last advice.
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