OK I’m in week 6 and things are shaping up pretty good. The OW and I still work together and talk very infrequently only about work related matters. At this point I’m not able to leave my job (me and the OW work together). <P>Two things continue to haunt me and maybe one of you can help me figure it out. First my W and my relationship is rebuilding pretty good. We have bad times and good times, but mostly good for the past 6 weeks. Before we separated things were in the toilet big time however for most of our marriage. I wanted a divorce and I left and shortly there after hooked up with my OW. I honestly think if I didn’t hook up with the OW (which brought some guilt into my life) that I ever would’ve came back to my W. So I came back for the kids and because I decided that if it weren’t for the OW, I would try to work it out.<P>Don’t crucify me for asking them but here they are.<P>I’m so scared that things with my W will go in the toilet again 3 maybe 6 months down the road – and I don’t know if I can deal with it them. I still have no emotional attachment to her and realize this will take time, but how long and will it ever come back?<P>Second but more important question for me. I loved/love the OW big time. The chemistry, the attraction, the friendship, the whole thing was there. Isn’t it possible that she could be one I’m supposed to be with, but for reasons I don’t even fully understand – I’m throwing it all away?<P>I know these are selfish and self-serving questions but man this is my life. Me and the OW had the type of relationship that my W and I shared 15 years ago when we first meet. There was nothing artificial it just happened – I just loved her and now, mostly because of my 3 children I’m back. And yea it’s better than it was before but I really don’t think I need to spend the rest of my life thinking what if’s about the OW.<BR>

Willy-<BR>You said that you and W shared what you and OW have/had 15 years ago....so would you agree that it is possible to regain that w/wife? If so, that's a also a reason to stay.<P>Along those same lines, you know you can have this with your wife, but you also know how bad it can get. You and W learning new marital behaviors will help you to regain that. However, w/the OW, you don't know how BAD the BAD can be as you have no history with her. The what if's w/regard to OW are really like comparing apples and oranges for this reason. Of course, there is a lot more bad weighing against your wife, but is that really a fair comparison? What if you were to choose OW...what happens when you introduce all of the other life demands into your relationship that do not now currently exist? Will she still appear as the frontrunner? Statistically, I think not. <P>Many who have had affairs talk about how wonderful they feel w/the OP. Its hard to turn your back on something that makes you feel so good. But again, I encourage you to look deep within yourself and your marriage before assuming that what you are "throwing away" w/OW is more valuable than what you have w/W.<P>Please remove the OW from the equation. You had already separated w/o an influence from an OW. Please try to concentrate on those issues that led you to take that step and try to fix those things...that's where your problems lie. The OW, at this point, only serves to further complicate an already complex situation.<P>Good Luck and God Bless.<P><BR>

Willy,<P>Yes, you think you love the woman like a "soul mate" <blech> and yes, I understand that. As someone who's been on both sides (betrayed and betrayer) I see all, tell all (just kidding about the 'all' part, but I do see it from both sides). Recently, I was the betrayer, and I honest-to-god thought that the OM and I were destined to be. I also have to work with him, which has been the most difficult part. <P>Okay, here goes my humble opinion: the love you feel for the OW is pure fantasy and the newness of the relationship. That's the reason it is "like it was" with your W in the beginning. That's what "new" love feels like and it's a high that can turn your brain, body and soul into mush. Don't believe it, don't give into it. I know it's hard, but you must not!!<P>You went back for the kids. It's not the best scenerio, but it's a beginning with your W. Airheart's in the same boat with you, find some of his posts and catch up on his story. The difference between you and me is that I AM FALLING IN LOVE WITH MY H AGAIN . That doesn't mean that we haven't had ONE HELL OF A TIME finding each other through the hell I created. If it does go to heck and gone in 3 or 6 months with your W, at least you'll know that you tried your hardest, did your best, to make it right. <P>You're here trying to find help, and that's not selfish <P>Best wishes as you work to rebuild your marriage!<P>------------------<BR>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<BR>

Enlightend: Very well said... I agree 100%.. I tell you before my H had his affair,,, we had a great marriage.. A marriage that neither one of us would have EVER considered leaving.. granted there were some small problems and some communication issues, but nothing that couldnt be worked out... Before this happend, my H called me the love of his life and treated me very special... then wammo..... And your right.. My H knows we have a lifetime thing, and knows that we have something that works.. You really never know that with ow... Both people are putting on there best face in the beginning just like everyone does... The ordinariness of life and the pressures of life have not sunk in... Not to mention all of the things you will have against you because you have had an adulturous relationship... guilt, your children etc.. A LOT OF ARROWS POINTING AGAINST A SUCCESFUL MARRIAGE TO O/W... You say that you had those feelings for your wife 15 years ago... What makes you think that they will not change with ow..?? I will guarantee you that they will.. The romantic high never lasts... And you will find yourself trading one relationship for the other and lose one hell of a lot in the process... self esteem, money, respect and guilt that will last you a lifetime... Plain and simple... Its not worth it... If your marriage is not going to work, then make it be because you both couldnt make it, not because of someone else,,, because statistically, that someone else wont ever be your lifetime partner... I have a post called private lies that I will bring to the top... Its exerpts from a book that will talk about why marriages to the op do not work!!! (If it ever even gets to that point)..... Hope this helps... Be patient give it time... work hard, and communicate like you never have before with your wife...

Yes I came back only for our children emotionally anyway. See my parents were Divorced and I always promised myself that I never would be. Also my W changed big time. She started a relationship with God, she is now meeting every one of the needs I have, but I can’t seem to get to the place where I can meet any of her needs. I am now able to want to be at home at least 4 or 5 days out of the week.<P>mickey65, you’re absolutely right about making the relationship between my W and me the reason it doesn’t work out, not because of my relationship with the OW. Frankly that’s the other reason I came back. I was finally able to be honest with myself and figure out that if it weren’t for the OW, I would be back with my W trying to work things out.<P>The most ironic part of the whole deal is in the end I ended up hurting the people I care most about – the OW and my children. Looking back on things now I see how selfish it was for me to pursue the OW during my separation and emotionally during my marriage. I want the OW to be happy and even though I’d rather be with her at certain times emotionally, I know that I would always regret not trying to work things out with my W when things went south with the OW.<P>The other flags for me to go back is that everyone I spoke to counseled me to go back with W and give it a year – if it doesn’t work out then leave. Of coarse I was already with the OW so I never wanted to give the W another try. It’s funny how God works, I told my W the other night that if it weren’t for my relationship with the OW – I never would’ve gone back to her. The relationship made me guilty and question what I was doing. If I had been by myself and not pursing any relationship, I don’t think I ever would’ve had the desire to go back to my W.<BR>