|
|
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 2
Junior Member
|
Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 2 |
I am sfjaj husband. This was a difficult decision I made, to read much less post on this website. she had mentioned the site to me a few days ago, and my point of view was that my pain was my own private hurt and I did not relish an audience for that. As she was upset by comments made on the site, I spent much of last night reading several posts on the site and decided I needed to break my silence. Let me begin by saying I am in such a state of pain that some may say I'm in no position to offer any advice but I don't agree. It occurred to me while reading that each stage of recovery offers a unique point of view that can be helpful to people, whether it is the spouse who had the affair or the spouse who was betrayed or whether an individual is 2 hours out of recovery or 2 years out of recovery.
It seems to me that there are direct conflicts between those spouses that have been betrayed and those who had the A. The betrayed spouses seem to believe that their hurt is so profound and deep that those who have had affairs, particularly those just out of the mire, can offer no logic. Or as one poster said, "in a fog." As one who was betrayed, I certainly understand where you are coming from but that view is wrong! Those views can offer much to us.
I am not excusing my wife's (nor anyone else's) affair; it is the ultimate betrayal of wedding vows. But as I remember, I also vowed to treat my wife as Christ would treat the church and I most assuredly have broken that vow. How can any of us believe that we alone have All the answers?
We stumble, we fall. We help one another up. we do not help by using epithets, pointing blame or distorting the view.please think before you speak
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 4,957
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 4,957 |
maybe even most, of what she has to say has some base in logic Argh! Not unless the replies I've seen on this thread are an abberation. Please stop calling it logic. It's getting painful. Mys
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
2B -- I know that your information was direct from Dr. Harley.
I found that disappointing to be honest with you. I was a betrayed wife. My husband kept that secret from me for almost 15 YEARS.
I cannot describe to you the sorrow and anger I (still to this day) feel about having my life stolen from me. I can never recover those years, the things I would have done differently if I had only had the TRUTH about my own life! I was allowed (by my WH) to make MAJOR life decisions and life altering choices on false information. My entire life would be different today.
My heart goes out to your OMW. She deserves so much better. And if we could only reach you, maybe you could be the one to give her that gift. Lexxy, I agree 100%. I think it is cruel and heartless to not tell her. But if you listened to the show you would have heard Dr Harley saying she SHOULD be told and that her H should be the one to do it so that 2B doesn't talk to the OM. He never said "only if your H agrees." [of course he would have to agree in order to make the call] ***** then emailed him and told him that her H was adamant that they not tell her. So what was Dr Harley to do? I am sure he figured there was no point in telling her to have a fight with her H about it. Instead he wanted to know why her H wasn't in recovery. I was much less disappointed when I actually heard the call myself and could see how badly 2BNormal spun the truth. I did tell Dr Harley that she came here and spun the truth and asked for a transcript. Hopefully, he has one he provide and I will just post it.
Last edited by Justuss; 03/17/06 12:32 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
maybe even most, of what she has to say has some base in logic Argh! Not unless the replies I've seen on this thread are an abberation. Please stop calling it logic. It's getting painful. Mys ok, call it a ham sandwich, will that make you feel better? Good grief!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 980
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 980 |
[
BTW, Dr. Harley supported my view of letting my husband handle the decision to expose or not expose to the OM's W. What ELSE did Dr Harley tell you, *****? I heard a replay of the show on Monday, and not only was your rendition of his comments very different from what he said, but you left out some very important advice that he gave you. Remember? Mel, his comments were to let my husband make the decision. This same response was received in an email reply from Dr. Harley. Yes, he gave other advice, but this was the answer to my question. No, they weren't. He agreed you had a moral obligation to notify this woman but wanted your H to do it rather than you. He said NOTHING about getting your h's agreement. I heard the call, *****. [I have emailed him asking for the transcript] What was the OTHER ADVICE he told you? You appear to be avoiding that. Why not tell the others what ELSE he told you? Mel, I have requested the transcripts as well because I DO want to hear exactly what was said and what I may have missed. When I listened to the program, I gathered what I could because it was live. I wish I would have know it was replayed. I wish you would have told me so that I could have listened to it again. I received an email from Dr. Harley yesterday stating that the transcripts to the program will not be available any time soon or maybe not at all. He suggested that I call into the show myself and ask the question again, and then record the program. The email reply from Dr. Harley stated that he was OK in letting my husband make the decision to inform the OM's wife.
Last edited by Justuss; 03/17/06 12:33 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
[
I think the above speaks volumes about ML's intentions when posting to WS/FWS on this board. SERIOUS FOGHORN with this one! She makes the TOP 5! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 980
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 980 |
MelodyLane,
Please change your posts where you posted my real name. That was uncalled for.
Thank you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
[
Mel, I have requested the transcripts as well because I DO want to hear exactly what was said and what I may have missed. When I listened to the program, I gathered what I could because it was live. I wish I would have know it was replayed. I wish you would have told me so that I could have listened to it again.
I received an email from Dr. Harley yesterday stating that the transcripts to the program will not be available any time soon or maybe not at all. He suggested that I call into the show myself and ask the question again, and then record the program.
The email reply from Dr. Harley stated that he was OK in letting my husband make the decision to inform the OM's wife. Honestly, 2BNoraml, what did you expect him to say when you told him your H REFUSED to call or allow anyone to call? Put a gun to his head? Dr. Harley was not likely to do that. But he did tell you something else very important that he was ADAMANT about. You never mention this. Why?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 980
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 980 |
I was much less disappointed when I actually heard the call myself and could see how badly 2BNormal spun the truth. I did tell Dr Harley that she came here and spun the truth and asked for a transcript. Hopefully, he has one he provide and I will just post it. I told Dr. Harley about your posts too and what you believe. And how you are so adament about exposure at all costs.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247 |
Thanks Mel.
I feel better.
I was very disappointed to think that Dr. Harley wouldn't wholeheartedly insist on this poor woman being told.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
[
I told Dr. Harley about your posts too and what you believe. And how you are so adament about exposure at all costs. He knows that I agree with him 100% and I told him as much.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 980
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 980 |
But he did tell you something else very important that he was ADAMANT about. You never mention this. Why? Because I am not exactly sure what you are referring to. He did say he always believes that the OP's spouse should know. I did state that in my original thread. He did say that I need to discuss this with my husband, which I did. He did say about getting help. He did say about making sure another affair does not happen and I believe he mentioned some ways to prevent that. As I said earlier, I requested the transcripts as well, because I didn't want to miss anything. I may have missed what you caught.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 1,607
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 1,607 |
Exposer to the world at large .......no. (unless the A won't end, that is) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> To the "other" BS.......you betch ya! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> As for 2Be relating a Position she neither agrees with, nor cares for ........I can ONLY Imagine the "spin" during that communication (in how she phrased it to the good Dr.)! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 980
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 980 |
[
I told Dr. Harley about your posts too and what you believe. And how you are so adament about exposure at all costs. He knows that I agree with him 100% and I told him as much. I did not hear Dr. Harley say exposure at ALL COSTS on the program. Yes, he was adament about exposing to the OP's spouse, but he also looked at my situation and gave me advice to talk it over with my H and that my H should make the call to the OM's W, if he decided to expose to her. He was adament about ME not calling their house so as not to risk contact with the OM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 1,607
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 1,607 |
from 2be Normal:
He did say he always believes that the OP's spouse should know. AT Last! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for Finally getting to the Bottom LINE! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Can we stop with the endless threads now?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
He told you that you should NEVER EVER be on the computer alone. Perhaps if your H is in the room with you, but otherwise, NO COMPUTER ever.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,355
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,355 |
[
I think the above speaks volumes about ML's intentions when posting to WS/FWS on this board. SERIOUS FOGHORN with this one! She makes the TOP 5! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Not fog, ML. Fact. Direct quote from you. Your post proves you know NOTHING about me. I've been repentant since day one, took responsibility for the A, have felt a sh!tload of guilt and remorse, have been committed to rebuilding, and have learned a lot about how to communicate with my H to keep this from ever happening again. I do feel badly for people like you whose goal in life seems to be to make others feel more miserable than they already do. That, BTW, is NOT part of the MB principles, and defies all logic. In fact mys was right, I take it back, there is very little logic in your posts. Only bitterness and utter disdain for anyone who dares to state an opinion different from your own. You are no better than any of the rest of us ML, sad part is you don't seem willing to acknowledge that.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 386
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 386 |
From Penalty Kill
sfjaj and committedtoher, I wish you both strength in your recovery. You too, 2bNormal.
My H's comment when I showed him this thread? "There she goes again, stirring the pot, missing the key ingredient: compassion".
As for ML's deliberate use of 2bnormal's name? Another in a series of low blows, designed for maximum effect. Absolutely pathetic.
ML, heartmending, myschae and gbh have your number.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 1,607
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 1,607 |
My oh my, Now that is interesting. 2Be, Your H there Now?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
[
I did not hear Dr. Harley say exposure at ALL COSTS on the program. Yes, he was adament about exposing to the OP's spouse, but he also looked at my situation and gave me advice to talk it over with my H and that my H should make the call to the OM's W, if he decided to expose to her. ummmmmmmmmmm no. He never said to leave the decision up to your H. That was what YOU wanted to do all along and that was your spin. He said have your H make the call because he didn't want you talkng to the OM. And naturally your H would have to agree if he was to make the call. Dr. Harley was quite clear and ADAMANT that your victim should be told.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
612
guests, and
97
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
