I wasn't really going to post to your earlier comment, but I just wanted to say that one of the quickest ways to chase someone off the board is to make sarcastic remarks when they are trying to make recovery and to right wrongs. I have a very thick skin and know I have erred, but your remark was not constructive. I only say this so that you do not make a similar mistake in the future and perhaps repel someone from making recovery

sfjaj -

Sorry that it bothered you. I was making the point that folks here need to know something about the person they are getting advice from.

For example, my marriage is not recovering - we are getting a divorce, and I've accepted that. I'm sure my advice is being filtered by my circumstance. People have the right to understand that.

I think it is great when the newbies here post. But I do think they should read and understand some of the ideas here.

I also think people who are still in contact with their lovers should work very hard on their own issues, before they start worrying about others.

Best of luck on your recovery.

believer - I can't adequately express my disappointment in the inexcusable comment you made on the other thread to sfjaj. It struck me as totally uncalled for to a FWS genuinely trying to recover.

Please go back there and answer my question to you. I sincerely hope that either I or you misunderstood something.

WAT

Threadjack.
Worthatry, I posted a SINCERE compliment to you on sfjaj's thread to 2BNormal.

You have been giving sfjaj such good counsel in your thread you started for her.

As I said, you are a GOOD GOOD man.

P.S. I am disappointed in Believer's reply also. VERY disappointed; not like her as she is normally kinder to everyone especially those trying to do what is right and to recover their marriages.

sfjaj - I'm sincerly happy that you are trying to right wrongs. I've been watching your story, and missed the post where you had told your husband that he has been raising the child of your lover for months. Last I knew you were kind of tossing a coin on whether to stay with him or the married OM.

Hey, that is more like our kind-hearted helpful Believer girl.

In case anyone missed this from 2BNormal, it sure blessed MY heart and makes me SO THANKFUL for my wonderful forgiving protecting husband.

From 2BNormal on the thread to her from sfjaj: "I would like to share one thing for all of you whose spouses did not try to shame or humiliate you further by exposing your affair needlessly. To have total forgiveness, you are to let the other person "save face". You don't further embarass and humiliate the person. My husband has so protected me and our marriage from humilation that I can never thank him enough. I don't deserve this as much as he certainly didn't deserve what I did to him, but I am ever thankful for it. I admire his strength and character for this as I do any spouse that has done the same."

sfjaj: Would you mind telling us how and when you told your husband about your affair and your OC, and what his reaction was?

Like believer, I missed that post, too. It was only mentioned in a line or two way down in the middle of someone else's thread.
Mulan

Mulan,
I think she posted about it this morning on the thread WAT started for her.

I think it was missed by a lot of us (I missed it as well) as the other thread kind of took over...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I looked through all of her posts just now, and STILL didn't see it. I think that is one reason folks are encouraged to stay on one thread.

This is the post I meant.....I think this is why Mulan asked, because the timelines is a bit unclear to many......since in this post jfj mensioned already being in NC, I don't believe she actually posted on the day she went to NC and exposed to BH, and that is what coused some confusion.....

BTW, sfj...don't mean to talk "behind your back" sort of....just trying to help to clarify.....

Daisy

tap, tap, tap

twiddles thumbs

waits patiently

no, I didn't post the same day. As you know, coming clean with my H was pretty difficult and I went into some seclusion for a few days...

WAT - You know I admire you above everyone that posts here. And I think the FWW's that post here are excellent in their comments - let me emphathize FORMER.

sfjaj's posts are all over the place, and she is giving advise that is AGAINST the MB principles. She posted on one of threads about how you shouldn't tell the BS - "for their own good". I kind of let that go, but have been checking out her posts.

The last ones I saw - around 3/2, she still was in contact with the married with kids OM, and she had not told her husband that the 7 month old baby was not his.

So I have to agree with Melody. Sorry.

Believer, I am just going to state this: I do not necessarily agree that all principles in MB work in EVERY situation. Perhaps at some point, I will change my mind. I think the principles are excellent and I am learning. My H and I are working through our grief, and I am trying to make amends for chaos I have caused in our lives. I did struggle with what to do as far as confessing intially. I am sure most WS go through similar struggles. I was bold enough to post while still going through those decisions. I did confess, actually, after receiving excellent, reality-based advice from WAT and others. At some point all FWS were lost and began their journey toward wholeness and morality. I would hope people can discuss the finer points of the plan and not be scorned because of it.

I guess the more I look at it, most of you have been posters here much longer than myself. I guess it might be better for all concerned if I don't post any more and just continue recovery on my own. Thanks to WAT, 2B, Tigger, and numerous others who helped confirm the right decision

By right decision, I mean the decision to confess the truth to my H so we can begin restoring our M

sfj....
keep posting....that is the only way the # posts will go up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> and it is one way to learn.......

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

sfjaj,

Actually leaving would NOT be better for all concerned. I surely will not be better for you. What you are going through here are some of the "growing" pains associated with being new here, coming here while still in the A, and now moving out of the A.

Trust me on this, you will be and are welcome here. AND your perspective on things will change. It takes time and patience to rebuild your marriage and for people here to understand all that is going on in your life.

That is why I asked the questions I did on your other thread. Getting acquainted takes time and you will look back on some of the posts her to you, in a far different light as time moves on. Mel, can seem hard to deal with and so can Believer, but these are two fine women and they are trying to harm you. They are just not going to sugar coat their feelings.

You will find that if you stay here, these two ladies will become some of your strongest supporters. Look at the number of posts. It is not because of their needs that the numbers are so high, but because they can and do help a lot of people. I think you will find they ARE interested in your situation, and they want very much for it to work out well.

Have a little patience sfjaj, and you see a great deal and learn a lot. That patience will also be needed with your H. I will say more about him once I truely hear the timeline and have a better feel as to where you are.

God Bless,

JL

Yes, please stay sfjaj. This morning I didn't realize all of the changes you have made lately. And feel free to post your feelings and your truth.

We need a whole lot more recovered FS's here. They are always sought for their opinions.

sfjaj:

Hey,
NO ONE agrees with EVERYONE Here all the time! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Just the nature of so many individuals on a board.

However,
IMO ....you'd be making a mistake to leave. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Face it,
we were ALL Newer at one time or another.

But you are sooo early on in your own journey that YOU need to have some guidance.

So perhaps where your going wrong is concentrating on posting to others, when you just might be a bit better served focusing on your own issues (at least in the short term).
Believe me, you've got Only Time to get into everyone else's issues. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Of course not saying you don't have the right to comment where you will ......just saying your Relationship and Marriage have precious little "extra" energy right now (to be fighting unnecessary battles).

Instead,
Save your time, energy, strength and focus for where its REALLY needed ....your own. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Feeling get hurt all the time........but don't run off .....that helps NO ONE! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />